Take a computer cla.s.s. Don't try to weasel your way out of it. Look at the local community college course schedule or any continuing education outlet and sign up. No matter how little you think you'll be dealing with computers, you need to get your skills updated. A lot has changed in five or ten years. There are Internet search engines and e-mail, new software and technologies.

One employer said that she has nothing against women who have taken time off, but she'd more readily hire a recent college graduate than a woman who's been out of work for years because the graduate would have up-to-date skills.

"Technology changes so quickly that a woman who's out of work has to take cla.s.ses to stay marketable," she said.

To figure out what cla.s.ses will be the best use of your time she recommends reading trade journals and calling human resources personnel at companies you'd eventually like to work for and asking them what they're looking for. For example, she's looking for people who have taken a cla.s.s in a new digital technology. She's sifted through hundreds of resumes and found only five with a relevant cla.s.s listed on them. Those are the people she hired.

Susannah went to college before personal computers were all the rage. When she worked as vice president of a bank her a.s.sistant did all the typing. Yeah, we're all jealous of that.

She wasn't familiar with word processing programs. She didn't know how to type well-she did the hunt-and-peck thing. She wasn't real clear about the Internet. Truth be told, she's still grappling with her e-mail. She doesn't know how to send a message to two people at once. She recently learned how to do attachments, but is a little shaky.

She is a perfect example of someone who has to take a computer cla.s.s. When she wants to go back to work, she'll need to know how to do all these things but she's adamant that she won't. She insisted to us that she knew everything that a job would require. So we put her to the test. We asked her to show us how to access LexisNexis, a fee-based Internet law library. She stared at us blankly and timidly sat down at her computer. She puttered around for a few minutes. She clicked and was able to access the Internet.

"I've heard of LexisNexis before. Are you sure it's on the Internet?" she asked.

She proved our point.

Another woman is an elementary school teacher who went back to work recently. She was shocked that there were computers in the cla.s.sroom and she was expected to know how to navigate them. She had a steep learning curve and pulled quite a few all-nighters to get up to speed. Her nine year old was her teacher. Even with all her work, the six year olds in her cla.s.s, who were basically born into computer use, were more computer literate.

If you really don't want to take a cla.s.s, you probably can rely on your children to give you a tutorial. They are so tech savvy. At minimum, you need to know how to:

* use word-processing programs* put together Power Points* have a rudimentary understanding of Excel* access search engines on the Internet* send and receive e-mails* attach doc.u.ments and other files to e-mails* access Web sites, including news-and work-related ones YOUR NETWORK.

Once you are on your way to being ready for employment, start asking around. Advertise to everyone you know that you're thinking about going back to work. By advertise, we don't mean do a hard sell, we mean bring it up casually in conversations. Doing that leads to discussion and referrals to other people who may be helpful to you.

Identify other women you know who have gone back to work or are successful. Ask them to lunch and pick their brains about the best way for you to go about finding a job. Find out what they did.

Still friendly with your old boss or coworkers? Schedule lunch. Give them your spiel. Spell out what you're looking for without asking for a job. Never put your contacts on the spot. During the lunch, you should ask about trends in your field. The knowledge will help you later during interviews.

Don't expect anything to happen right way. You're laying the groundwork. Something may pop up in a couple weeks or months. What you're doing is spreading out karma and there's no telling when good things will come back at you but they will. Be patient.

ReSUMe.

Your resume is going to need lots of work. We say keep the dates off your resume because dates draw the focus to how long you haven't been working instead of to your achievements. Of course, if they ask you tell them how long you have been out of the workforce and why you felt it was important to stay home, don't be ashamed of it. We're just saying there's no reason to broadcast it or make it the focus of your application. Also, keep the dates off your degrees and a.s.sociation memberships. Why should they know how old you are? We don't know about you, but we find as we age that information is for our eyes only.

"I'd like to know there was a reason they weren't working instead of the possibility that they didn't feel like it," one vice president of human resources at a technology firm said.

She went on to say that gaps in resumes are more acceptable now than they were a few years ago. Because of repeated downturns in the technology sector, for example, a lot of people have gaps in their work histories.

There's one place you should definitely use numbers. If you were in charge of a $2 million fund drive, put that on your resume. If you were responsible for doing the financials for, say, the ballet, put that down as well as the amount of the budget.

List all your volunteer work.

If you renovated your house and basically served as general contractor (and you probably did), put that down. It shows organizational and management skills.

If there's a big gap in your resume, include strong professional and character references. This shows that you've kept in contact with your former boss and coworkers and have been active in your community.

Update the language in your resume. Have a friend look at it. Let your sister take a gander at it. Print it out and read it out loud. You're more likely to catch mistakes this way.

Another good option is to seek career counseling. You can often get counseling for no cost through the YMCA and government agencies. These programs typically include career a.s.sessment, resume writing, and interview skills.

Private coaching can also be good for those who have no idea what they want to do next professionally. Private coaching can be expensive. It's also more intensive. Coaches give you personality tests and perform in-depth interviews to figure out where your skill sets and interests lie.

INTERVIEWS.

Prep for the interview by going to your local department store or mall. Look at the window displays to get an idea of what professional women are wearing nowadays.

Don't make the mistake Monica did. She hadn't been in a law office in three years when a relative asked her for help with a lawsuit. She agreed and enlisted a law school friend in the suit. The friend arranged a meeting with her and the relative in his downtown law office to discuss the case.

The day of the meeting she stood in front of her closet for a half an hour debating what to wear. She could wear a suit or dress pants and a blouse or a skirt. She was clueless about what would be appropriate. What does one wear to the office nowadays?

She was going to be late if she didn't choose something soon. She decided better to be overdressed than under so she settled on a nice blue suit with a strand of pearls.

As she waited in the lobby of the law firm a sense of dread came over her as she watched people walk in and out of the building. No one was wearing a suit. Her friend was wearing khakis and a blue striped b.u.t.ton down shirt.

He looked Monica up and down and smiled.

"You're dressed up," he said.

Monica did have a clue that law offices had gotten more casual since she decided to stay home but she thought the casualness was more of a Friday thing. This was Wednesday.

Go on as many interviews as possible. They give you an opportunity to learn more current terms and language, which you can then pepper your conversation with on the next interview. You can also put the terms in your resume, which makes it look more relevant.

When the interviewer asks you to tell him something about yourself, don't start with "I have two children." It sounds like that's what defines you and that's your priority in life. It may be true, but that's not what he wants to hear. It's better if you answer that question with all the other things you do. Then, if he asks you what you do in your spare time, you can mention your children.

During the interview, you should ask questions that will give you an idea how family friendly the employer is. Ask what they would expect you to do if your daughter is home sick with the chicken pox and you have a 10:00 A.M. presentation for clients. If they say they don't know, they've never had to deal with that before, we say run. Their answer shows that discussions of family issues aren't encouraged in the workplace.

If they say they'd expect you to come in, run. You know they're not going to be supportive. At least they were honest.

If they say they have arrangements with a day care that allows sick children or they have a babysitting service, you know you've found the right place. Ditto if they say they'd expect you to stay home with your sick child.

Be clear about what you need flexibility on. Do you want to be homeroom mom, which may mean being late some mornings? Do you want to pick your daughter up from dance cla.s.s in the afternoons? Employers feel better with specifics rather than a blanket request for flexibility.

You need to ask questions regarding the juggling of your children and work even at the most family-friendly businesses because your manager is the one who chooses to recognize or ignore those policies. Your manager sets the tone of your working life so figure out where she's coming from.

Karen Hughes learned the importance of support in the workplace when she took an afternoon off work to go on a school field trip with her son. A staffer couldn't locate her to okay a press release and he told then Governor Bush that everything was done in the release except they couldn't locate Karen for the final approval. Bush replied, "That's what cell phones are for, call her."

His response validated Karen's choice to spend the afternoon with her son and kept her in the loop. That's the kind of support we all want.

GETTING IN THE DOOR.

This is where your pride can't get in the way. You may have to take a job that is lower in skill, responsibility, and pay than the one you left. People who were your employees may now be your bosses. The horror!

Well, guess what, there are trade-offs when you take years off. All those people who stayed in the workforce when you left have been doing things, progressing. We know we wish they were in suspended animation all those years, but they weren't.

You should look at small companies. They typically value nontraditional skills or skills gained outside of the workplace more than bigger corporations.

Temp agencies are your friend. Oftentimes you'll get placed in a company that ends up hiring you. If nothing else, it's a good way to log current experience and start to feel comfortable in the workplace again.

Also check out the Occupational Outlook Handbook Occupational Outlook Handbook from the Labor Department's Bureau of Labor Statistics. It lists salary ranges and organizations for several professions. The Web site address is from the Labor Department's Bureau of Labor Statistics. It lists salary ranges and organizations for several professions. The Web site address is www.bls.gov/oco/home.htm.

Pat Harrison, president of the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, says get your foot in the door anywhere that treats you well. If you have talent and prove yourself capable, you'll rise. Pat hired one woman as a receptionist. She was obviously overqualified but she hadn't worked for a while. She said she was just interested in getting out of the house and loved answering phones and greeting people. Pat believed her.

The woman was very capable and within weeks started taking on other responsibilities. Pat kept telling her, your job is to answer phones and greet people; that's it. The woman continued to excel and a few months later Pat promoted her. She had no choice, the woman was the best candidate.

As long as you like your employer and know she's open to advancing you it doesn't matter what level you start a job at because you'll end up somewhere else quickly.

DON'T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER In your search for a new job, you will meet lots of naysayers. They will take one look at your resume and tell you you're toast in the nicest possible terms. Others may not be so respectful of your feelings. They may flat out tell you that you're wasting your time. If you believe every negative word sent your way in your job search, you are bound to get discouraged and quit.

Perseverance is the key. Accept advice in your job search, but don't accept anyone's discouraging words as final, no matter how authoritative they may appear to be.

Nancy didn't. In 1993, Nancy left a job at IBM to stay home with her children and run her own business. Despite her best efforts, the business never took off and by 2004 she was out looking for a job that offered a steady paycheck.

To get the job search going, Nancy met with a headhunter. She figured someone with experience in finding people jobs and who had a solid list of employers looking for qualified people was a surefire way for her to get the best job possible quickly.

She put together her resume, highlighting her IBM experience and also hitting the high points she'd experienced in her own business. She handed the headhunter her resume and waited for him to tick off the list of jobs she might like to pursue. He glanced at her resume and then hit her with a verbal two by four. "With this resume," he said, "you'll be lucky to find a job making $30,000 a year."

His opinion was that Nancy's lack of a W-2 the preceding ten years would be a big negative to prospective employers. He threw her a bone, however, by promising to do his best to help find her something provided she understood that her prospects for finding anything worthwhile were slim.

Instead of being discouraged, she was strangely hopeful. Years before she had landed her IBM job despite the odds. At her college campus, IBM advertised the position for an MBA. Nancy didn't have one, but she had the natural ability to sell. She snagged an interview, wowed the recruiters, and landed the job. Nancy thought something similar could happen this time around.

The headhunter sent her on an interview. When Nancy walked into the lobby she found a male applicant waiting for his interview at the exact same time. Both had been sent by the same headhunter. She called the headhunter. He apologized profusely for his mistake. Nancy had her suspicions. Rather than make a scene, however, she elected to take the high road and offered to be interviewed second.

The job was for a company that automates and outsources human resources. The ideal candidate for the position needed to successfully sell the company's services to new businesses. Nancy knew she could sell anyone under the table.

The company was interested in her after the first interview but she had to endure four more interviews stretched out over three months before they offered her the job.

"I really had to persevere. Interviewing has changed a lot in the last twenty years," she said.

Once the headhunter realized Nancy was a serious contender for the job he started working hard for her, no more double interviews. Nancy is part of the company's marketing team and she is able to do much of her work from home.

DON'T BE AFRAID TO QUIT If it's not working, don't torture yourself. Quit.

We all want to try to salvage a bad situation. Our instinct is to blame ourselves and tough it out. That's good for a few weeks, but if it's really not working we have to cut the cord.

Cynthia is a well-respected editor. At the height of her career as news a.s.signment editor, she quit. She took ten years off from the workforce. A friend finally lured her back. She was executive editor of one of the best papers in the country and she wanted Cynthia to head the science section. It was a dream job. The budget was generous. She was able to send one reporter to Antarctica for a story. Another went to South America.

Six months into the job, her friend was unceremoniously fired. The new executive editor wasn't so generous and didn't have much faith in Cynthia. He questioned every story she proposed for the section and cut her budget in half.

Cynthia quit. We're told we should stay in a job for a year no matter how bad it is because if we don't, we'll look like we're job hopping. But that's not true. If you have good reasons to quit, other employers will understand.

A week after Cynthia quit, she found another job at a magazine. That quickly deteriorated. She said most of the staff didn't have children and didn't understand her need to leave work at 5:30 P.M. most days. She quit after a month.

She found another job shortly after that was a good fit.

Her story flouts conventional wisdom and proves that you should remain true to your desire to balance work and family. Don't stay miserable in a miserable job. There's always a way out.

Before Karen Hughes became President Bush's right hand woman she was struggling with finding the balance between work and family. She was climbing up the career ladder when Phil Gramm's office hired her. It was a great step. Working for a U.S. senator is a high profile position. She didn't last a month. She quit after her supervisor asked her to bring in a note from the doctor's office to prove that she had brought her child to the doctor. Imagine asking your child's doctor to write a note for you as well as your kid.

Karen is proof that things have a way of working out. In her next job with the Halcyon Group she split her time between home and office. Halcyon offered her the position with that flexibility because they knew having the right person was more important than having any person in the office from nine to five.

She was lured away from that job by the Texas Republican Party. They allowed her to work full time from home.

When she went to work for George Bush during his campaign for governor, she had to go back into the office. But during his presidential campaign, he permitted her to take her teenage son with her for five months on the road. She homeschooled him.

Karen says don't be afraid to ask for what you want on the front end. If you don't get it, you probably shouldn't take the job because it's unlikely to be a satisfying experience.

USING A HOBBY OR INTEREST AS A SPRINGBOARD BACK TO WORK.

Do you enjoy creating handmade jewelry for friends or putting up yard signs for a political campaign? Sometimes you can turn a hobby or interest into a paying job.

Sascha used politics as a springboard back into work. Sascha quit her job at a high profile law firm and stayed home with her son for seven years. Once he started school, she got a little restless and started attending local Democratic Party meetings. When an opening for district judge came up, Sascha talked to party officials about backing her to run. They agreed. Within a year of getting involved, she was fund raising and shaking hands. She narrowly lost the election. She was disappointed and exhausted, but the race raised her profile. The U.S. Attorney's Office called her and offered her a job. She took it.

"Working on a campaign gets you out there," Sascha says. "It put me in front of people I hadn't seen in years, which got me back on their radar when they were hiring."

Sascha works nine to five-unusual at most law firms. She says she's at the bottom rung of the U.S. Attorney's Office, but she doesn't mind. Maybe it's because she's older or maybe having a child has given her perspective, but she says she's not in a rush to prove herself. She's happy putting her mind to work. Though she does admit that she is contemplating another run for office.

Karen Hughes found politics to be much more accepting of nontraditional schedules and career paths than other professions. She was lured to work for the Republican Party of Texas when her future boss told her she could work from home. She could make her own hours as long as she got the job done. When she was a television reporter at a Dallas station, the job was a little more rigid. They required her to show up to the office every day and stay late. "I know there are jobs where people have to be in the office, but if it's not necessary then employers should be and I think are becoming more flexible about where and when employees get the job done," Karen said.

DEALING WITH A BEAN UP THE NOSE.

So you're back at work. Things are different. You have kids at home who get sick and need you in emergency situations. You have a lot to prove to yourself, your boss, and your coworkers about whether or not you're up for the job. You feel like people are constantly evaluating what you put first, work or family. You feel guilty whenever you have to take a call from home or your child's school. How do you find the middle ground?

Debbie, who founded Flex-Time Lawyers, was in the middle of taking a deposition when her son's preschool called. During the arts and crafts portion of the day, her son had stuck a bean up his nose. When the teacher told him to blow out, he inhaled. The bean was lodged in his sinus pa.s.sage. He needed a visit to the doctor p.r.o.nto.

Debbie was huddled in the corner of the conference room on her cell phone saying significant things like bean, doctor, and preschool that her client and opposing counsel could hear. She could feel the back of her neck start to sweat. She hung up, apologized profusely, and said they'd have to reschedule the deposition. She ran out of the room beet red and perspiring.

At law offices, gossip about an embarra.s.sing family emergency travels faster than news of who made partner. When Debbie arrived at work the next day, she could tell by the eruption of chatter as she pa.s.sed that everyone in the office knew about her situation the day before. What to do? She felt humiliated and her future at the firm flashed before her eyes.

She decided to have a sense of humor about her situation and laugh it off. She made a lot of jokes with coworkers about it and there was plenty of opportunity to talk about the incident. By the time she walked into the office the following day, the story had morphed into her son getting stung by a bee and going into shock. Just about everybody found an excuse to drop by her office and check on her. "It was amazing. As soon as I joked and talked about it with someone, they'd have a story just like it. It was a great ice breaker," she said.

She said even a couple of the male partners at the firm also had stories about rushing out of a meeting to attend to a sick or injured child. It actually was one of those things that made Debbie stand out in a good way. She proved that she could deal well with a difficult situation.

BACK TO WORK HAZING.

Another part of returning to work is the hazing you'll receive. For the first few months, you'll be low man on the totem pole. It doesn't matter if you're overqualified for the job and really in a lot of ways you're doing them a favor. What matters is they think you're beneath them because you haven't put the time in.

Rachel has a master's degree in science. She got a job as a teacher's aide because she needed to get out of the house and have more adult contact. Her first week on the job a teacher whose cla.s.s she wasn't a.s.signed to asked her to do something. Rachel said, "No problem, write the request down and put it in my box. I'll get to it later." The teacher was incensed. She thought Rachel was being rude and insubordinate. She told the princ.i.p.al and lodged a written complaint against Rachel, who didn't know anything about it until a couple months later when the princ.i.p.al rea.s.signed her to work in another, less desirable cla.s.sroom because of her problems with authority. Tread extra carefully until you understand the office politics.

Briana was a medical resident when she gave birth to her son. She took a few weeks off and then was back on the job. She worked twelve-hour shifts. Sometimes she had to stay overnight because she was on call. She was breast-feeding. Needless to say, she had to pump a few times during her shift. She tried to put a sign on the resident locker room when she was pumping so no one would come in. One of the other residents rebelled. He refused to honor her request. He complained to the chief resident. The chief resident told Briana she couldn't breast pump in the locker room because it infringed on others' rights. He told her she could use the janitor's closet if she needed to "do that sort of thing." She complained. The other residents complained. Her bosses thought she was a troublemaker and decided not to offer her a position when she completed her training.

"Residents will eat their young to get a job offer. They knew they were knocking me out of the running by making a big deal over the pumping," she said.

Unlike the backstabbing pa.s.sive-aggressive coworkers we've discussed, the resident in this case was directly aggressive. There will be times you'll find no knives in your back because you're under an all-out frontal a.s.sault. How can you deal with this?