Volume 6, Chapter 4: "Means of Survival" Part 9

I went down the stairs and joined up with Horikita and Kushida.

Yoohoo-

Although she looks like the usual Kushida, its impossible to know the true feelings hidden beneath her expression.

Im at a loss, Kushida-san. Your insight and ability to act on it are amazing.

Thank you, but dont think of me like that. I simply regularly observe a lot of people.

Why did you call for Ayanokji-kun? I thought that our conversation was already over. If you have any issues with the fact that I told him something, just say it to me.

I have nothing to complain about. Its just that I thought Id explain things to you face to face. I was wondering if I could add another condition to our bet.

Condition?

If I beat your score, I also want Ayanokji-kun to drop out.

Kushida really proposed it. I had been thinking about this possibility since the topic of betting first came up.

Its impossible for me to agree with that idea.

As far as Im concerned, if there are people who know about my past, I would like to make them disappear all at once. Even if Horikita-san leaves the school, if Ayanokji-kun stays, the seed of my troubles will also stay.

Maybe so, but this is my personal bet, so I cannot afford to get Ayanokji-kun involved. If one of the conditions is to add him, its a pity, but I wont go through with this bet.

Horikita seemed to have prepared an answer for this and withdrew her request before I could answer.

This is why she never told me about the bet. She wanted to avoid behaving in a way that would make me an accomplice.

Well, thats a pity. I could have killed two birds with one stone and saved myself the effort.

So, Im also one of your targets for expulsion.

Although I had already noticed this, It was still very disappointing.

Ahahaha, you dont have to be regretful. Its not Ayanokji-kuns fault, its only unfortunate that youve learned of my true nature.

Its not a problem as long as he doesnt tell anyone, so doesnt that get rid of the issue?

If that could solve the problem, you wouldnt have made this bet, would you?

As expected, you really are essential to Class D.

Kushida is very observant of other people, so its only natural that Horikita would recognize and desire such talent.

Youve changed, Horikita-san. You werent the kind of person who would say that before.

If I always have disputes with others, I wont be able to climb to the upper classes. It would be a vicious cycle that lasts forever.

Have they ever been this straight with each other before?

Theyre usually seriously hostile to each other, but this was the first time where they could understand each other. Its a pretty sad string of events.

If they hadnt come from the same middle school, Kushida definitely would have obediently helped Horikita. If that had happened, Kushida would be able to influence the students that Hirata and Karuizawa wouldnt be able to, and Class D likely would have been united earlier on in the year.

The bet, I can take part in it, right? Of course, Ill bet that Horikita will win.

Wait a second. What are you saying, Ayanokji-kun? This is between the two of us; it has nothing to do with you.

Its true that thats how it started out, but as a result of all this, Ive gotten involved. Theres also the fact that I was eavesdropping on your conversation, thats not irrelevant, right?

Horikita seemed to want to avoid more responsibility, but I took the liberty of explaining that this was a good opportunity. Even if Horikita won the bet and was temporarily excluded from Kushidas attacks, there was no way to say for certain that Kushida wouldnt just turn around and focus her energy on me.

That being the case, it will be easier to figure everything out here and now.

Id be happy if you could do that.

But I also have a condition if Im going to become part of the bet.

Hmm?

I want you to tell me the details of the Middle School Incident thats compelling you to get the two of us expelled.

I pushed into a topic that Horikita would never enter.

Thats-

I didnt hold back with Kushida. It doesnt matter even if she becomes upset.

I'm the victim of a bet. I can naturally keep my edge by claiming my rights.

I have the right to ask for this. I dont know any of the details, but youre hostile to me and want me to be expelled from the school. You can understand that I cant accept that, right? Youre acting on the premise that Horikita knows the details of the incident, right? In that case, it wouldnt be any different for you to just explain it now. As long as you win the bet, both Horikita and I will drop out, and you dont have anything to worry about.

Im not interested in her past.

Even if youre not interested, I am. I cant accept that my school life is being endangered on Kushidas whim.

I obstruct Horikitas statement, who was trying not to pry into her past.

I cant deny the fact Ayanokji-kun has become completely involved. If Horikita-san hadnt explained everything in detail, I would have expected for you to find this unreasonable. But, you wont be able to turn back if I tell you, you know?

Havent I already come to a place where theres no turning back? Or are you willing to spare me if I say I dont know anything or havent heard the details? Can you affirm that you wont regard me as an enemy?

In her mind, Kushida has already marked me as an enemy. I have become a target of her treatment.

We don't have to wait for her to answer. Her reply is obvious.

No way.

In that case, tell me why its worthwhile for me to bet on this.

Horikita probably doesnt understand why Im doing this. She probably thinks that it doesnt matter, and I shouldnt join the bet and risk dropping out. She didnt say a word in front of Kushida, but her gaze did. Im sorry, but I cant listen to your request, because Ive got the rare opportunity to expose Kushida Kikys past.

Ayanokji-kun, is there anything that youre good at that you cant risk losing to anyone?

Im only as capable as anyone else, a jack-of-all-trades but master of none. If I had to choose something I excel at, I guess I run a little fast.

Then I wonder if you can understand. Dont you think that the best moment is when you feel the value of yourself that others cant have? Its like scoring the highest on a test or getting first place in a race, you get the limelight. Arent there those moments where someone gives you a look that says: so powerful, so cool, so cute?

Of course I know that. People are creatures who desire to be praised. No one hates being praised or respected by friends or family, and working hard to be praised is a justifiable motive. This is commonly known as the desire for approval, which is a basic and indispensable part of human society.

I think Im probably more dependent on that kind of thing than the average person. I really want to show off. I cant help that I want to stand out; want to be praised. When these feelings are finally validated, I truly feel how valuable I am, and how wonderful it is to be me. But I know my limits. I know that no matter how hard I try, I cant be number one in schoolwork or sports. Being in second or third place cant possibly satisfy my desire, so I thought: Then Ill do something that no one else can imitate. I found that I can become number one as long as Im more gentle and more intimate than anyone else.

So this is the source of Kushidas gentleness? However, If someone doesnt have two-faces, they give a better impression than someone who brags about being a good person. Theyre more honest than a liar who pretends to be a gentle person.

Of course, what Kushida does is not as simple as shes saying. Because even if you want to be gentle, you cant just get along with everyone.

Thanks to this, I was able to become popular. Someone whos liked by both boys and girls. I was relied on, and I felt the pleasure of being trusted. Elementary and middle school were fun

Isnt it painful to keep doing things you dont want to do? If it were me, I think my heart wouldnt be able to keep up, and end up breaking down.

Its understandable that she would ask this. Kushida has been constantly doing things that are often impossible to do.

Its painful. Of course Im suffering. Every day I accumulate so much stress that I feel like Im going to go bald. Ive pulled out my hair and vomited all because of the anxiety. But I cant let anyone see this side of me in order to maintain my gentle side. So Ive endured and endured and constantly endured. But my heart has reached its limit. It was impossible to let it continue accumulating.

I can speculate that Kushidas anxiety has been constantly under tremendous pressure.

However, how has she been able to sustain this until now?

My blog was where I supported my heart; it was the only place where I could confide about this pressure. Of course, It was all written anonymously, but it had all of the facts. I poured all of my usual stress out there, and I finally started to feel at ease. Thanks to my blog, I was able to sustain myself. I felt truly happy receiving words of encouragement from a third party who I didnt even know But one day, my blog was accidentally discovered by a classmate. Even though I had changed the names of the characters, it was impossible not to notice that the content was based on real events. It was inevitable that ended up hated for all of the bad-mouthing I had done to all of my classmates.

Thats how the incident started, right?

By the next day the content of the blog had spread to the whole class, and I was severely criticized by everyone. Up until that point, I had been a huge help to everyone, but as a result of this, everyones attitude toward me suddenly changed. Its selfish, right? The boy who said he liked me hit me on the shoulder. It made sense, I had written on my blog that I was sick of his constant confessions and wanted him to die. A girl who I had comforted after she was dumped by her boyfriend kicked my desk because I had written about why she was dumped and made fun of her. To put it simply, I felt that I was in danger. More than thirty students had all marked me as their enemy.

It was a battle that she could never win. I could only see Kushida being kicked out of the class.

How did you get through that situation? By violence, or with lies?

This was the mystery that Horikita and I had talked about before and couldnt come to a conclusion over.

I didnt use lies or violence. I just preached the truth and exposed the secrets of all of my classmates. Things like who someone hates, or who someone thinks is disgusting. I exposed the truths that I didnt even write on my blog.

We really didnt know. Truth is a weapon that can be acquired through the accumulation of trust. Its an option that doesnt exist for either Horikita or myself. Its strength feels small, but its a powerful double-edged sword that can be used at the cost of losing trust.

At this point, most of the hatred towards me was redirected towards others. The boys started fighting each other, the girls were pulling each others hair and knocking each other over. The classroom was a mess. It was all truly amazing.

ILLUSTRATION: https://imgur.com/a/lC5ulZY

This is the truth of the incident

The class became inoperable because of the disruption that I had caused. Of course, I was scolded by the school, but all I did was write anonymously on my blog. Besides, I was just telling the truth to my classmates, so the school was unsure of how to issue any punishment.

She spoke quietly, but every word carried unspeakable weight.

Now, unlike back in middle school, I dont know much about the others in Class D. Despite this, I still have the truth to make a few people fall apart. This is my only weapon right now.

This was a threat. She means that if we tell anyone, we have to be aware of the consequences.

All she would need to do is use the truth, and she could cause a rift in Class D which had just begun to unite together. If this happened, the progressive atmosphere in the class would probably disappear.

It was a mistake to use the Internet as an outlet to vent my own stress. So many unknown people will see what you write, and it will remain there forever. So I quit blogging. These days I manage my stress by spilling it out when Im alone.

She was talking about the other side of Kushida that I had seen before. It was that time when she had been spitting out insults.

Do you want to remain as you are right now?

This is what makes my life worthwhile. I love being respected and noticed by everyone. When Im told secrets that are only confessed to me, I feel something beyond my wildest imaginations.

To know the anxiety, suffering, shame, or hope that others keep within their own hearts.

This was Kushidas forbidden fruit.

Its a dull past, right? But for me, its everything.

The smile on Kushidas face disappeared. Having now revealed her past, we became her true enemies. From now on, she would pursue victory without the slightest bit of sympathy.

Do not forget, if I win in mathematics, both Horikita-san and Ayanokji-kun will voluntarily drop out.

Yes. Ill keep my promise.

Kushida seemed satisfied with this, so she left to go back to the dorms.

Horikita, is it really alright to make this bet with Kushida? She was involved with Ryen. In order words, depending on the negotiation situation, she can get the questions and answers directly from Class C.

If you knew that, why did you take part in the bet? Isnt it because you believe I wont lose?

Yeah.

I didnt believe in her. I just had my own ideas before I took part in the bet.

Although you said that she might get the answers from Ryen-kun, will that really be the case? I dont think I have to worry about that.

What do you mean?

As long as she gets the answers, Kushidas victory is all but assured. That means that Ill be guaranteed to drop out. However, do you think that Ryen-kun will want for me to drop out?

Its hard to say.

He had tried to frame Horikita, but he didnt try to get her to drop out of school. Its hard to say, but it seems like he is pretty passionate about getting Horikita to admit defeat. He shouldnt find this form of victory to be very ideal. Besides, he still doesnt know the truth about me. Would he rule out the key figure working behind Horikita?

But what if she lies to get the answers? She might say that she wants to raise her personal score and keep the bet hidden.

Ryen-kun should be able to see through it. If Kushida wants the answers to the math problems, logically, hed look for a reason for it, right?

Well, sure.

But even so, theres no absolute guarantee. She might successfully deceive Ryen.

Although I would like for her to consider it, it would be hard on Horikita to be that demanding.

This is a dangerous bet with no absolute guarantee.

Thats always the case, no matter what kind of exam it is. Its easier if you sacrifice yourself.

For Horikita, it should have been unexpected for me to join in on the bet.

However, it seems that this is how Horikita had planned on dealing with Kushida.

She made it credible by bringing in the former student council president as a witness, and she promised to drop out of school on her own accord while promising not to tell anyone about her past.

Theres no way out from here. If youre going to do this bet, you absolutely have to win.

Its only natural.

Thus, the battle where Horikita bet her future at the school begins.

(Chapter 4 End)