The experience

being deflowered is different for most people.

I heard that

it feels like one is being absolutely ripped apart.

And that there

is lots of blood.

But there are

some people that feel good from the start.

I wonder what

root of the big difference is.

I am not sure

about this type of knowledge. I have never been told of it directly, and I am

hesitant to ask someone directly. In the first place, I don’t have any friends.

Well, Prince Stefan is excluded in this case.

Such juicy

things are not written in books. (Zuben: Maybe not the ones you read)

For Volker to

be troubled, I guess it must be a very painful and tearful experience.

…I’m not

disgruntled…well, not so much.

I don’t want

to think about it, but I wonder if Volker’s reaction was from a past bitter

failure. He was defensive because he didn’t want to repeat it.

Maybe that was

why he wanted to confirm whether I was with Eugene the same way. Would it have

been better to have been? Is it better for Volker? But I’m glad I didn’t even

kiss Eugene! That is my honest thought.

Despite the

shameful thought that I would like to have Volker for my first time, it do

think it is embarra.s.sing to sit on his thighs, and the kissing and how he rubs

my b.r.e.a.s.t.s painfully.

Is this the

deep river between a man and a woman?

No no no no, I

should get a hold of myself. How hilarious for me to be burning with jealousy

about women in Volker’s past. I’m sure Volker is genuinely worried about me.

During the

conversation with General Bresslin, Volker was more concerned about me than

himself.

That is right.

Volker always thinks of me.

I want to

respond to that feeling.

I mean…I like

him!

I just want to

do it because I like him, I do!

Better than

hugs, I would like to experience a way to be connected to Volker more deeply

with Volker. More than a kiss! How did it feel to have his strong broad chest

against my bare skin? What would happen if he touches my body all over with his

big hands? (Zuben: Hohoho!)

My thoughts

are making me blush, is it unpleasant? (Zuben: Nah, you’re normal.)

It doesn’t

matter, I- I want to feel Volker with my whole body!

I thump the

table with my fist, and heard a voice saying ‘Wow!’

‘Oh pardon

me.’ I apologised to Prince Stefan.

Yes, I was

taking tea with Prince Stefan. (Zuben: and thinking about feeling Volker with

your whole body. Mult.i.tasking) After leaving General Bresslin, I rushed to the

appointed terrace in a hurry. I had kept the Prince waiting and I got scolded.

His belly was

already bloated with bitter tea when my sweets arrived.

I-I’m sorry I

offended Crown Prince. That being said, although he seems to be a cold person

at first sight, I’ve come to realise he was very tolerant once he has you in

his pocket.

I’m sorry,

your Highness, I’m kinda useless. Is this a kind of grace?

‘What were you

thinking; you had a pretty difficult expression?’ he asked. Stefan casually

shooed away his escort knights, thinking it would be a complicated tale. He took a

graceful bite of the apple pie I had brought, and there was a little frown

between his eyebrows, but he made a sound of appreciation.

It looked like

a common apple pie.

‘It is hard to

speak of it frankly,’ I reply. I also took a bite of the apple pie.

Wow,

delicious! It was a nice balance of sour and sweet with an aroma of cinnamon.

‘What the h.e.l.l

is that?’ Stefan replied as he finished his portion of apple pie and reached

for the cupcakes. Though, the little cupcakes seemed unsuitable for the

dignified Crown Prince, it was also very wonderful.

‘I was

thinking of Volker.’ I said. It wasn’t a lie, I was thinking about Volker, but

the content could be omitted. Stefan raised an eyebrow.

‘I understand

that it is about Brennan, but what is with the difficult expression?’

My smile

wobbled.

I’m dying here…

How should I say

this?

‘I was

wondering if Volker is really thinking of me.’

Well, that is

the sanitised version anyway. I can’t really tell him that I was in anguish

about doing it with Volker.

‘You idiot.

You don’t know how important you are to Brennan?’

Stefan reached

for another cupcake, different flavour this time. Ahh, Your Highness, if you

eat too much you won’t be able to have dinner. That being said, it would be

alright if he was going to exercise after.

‘Brennan

allowed me to have tea with you under conditions: Do not look at you directly

for over three seconds. Do not touch your hands. Do not touch you. Do not eat

your homemade sweets because they are his, and don’t fall in love with you. I

wonder why.’ (Zuben: If this was a melo, it would have been a foregone

conclusion)

Huh, what is

that?

‘It seems that

he doesn’t want you to meet other men. Brennan is very concerned about the

difference in your age. He is particularly anxious when you meet a man close in

age to you. He wonders if that person is more suited to you than he. But then

he also considers them to be maggots not worthy of you.’

I shuffled

closer to him.

‘I am also

anxious that there is a nice woman that suits him more, because I am too

childish and our status isn’t balanced. I haven’t had any physical

relations.h.i.+ps and I don’t know how to be in love.’ (Zuben: you’ve said it all

out now)

The Prince

moved the same distance away from me.

‘Brennan said

not to sit too close.’ He said, ‘Anyway, you guys have similar feelings, if you

could tell each other without using me as your go between, it would be fine.’

In short, do

not bother me with your complications.

He flattened

another cupcake.

Indeed, I am

troubling Crown Prince Stefan. Pardon me!

‘That being

said, Brennan is serious about you.’ He said with a little curl of his lip.

He was? I

tilted me head to one side.

Wasn’t Volker

always serious?

‘He makes you

sit on his lap like that in public, even though you’ve not touched the floor

yet. Well, do you best.’ (Zuben: I wasn’t sure how to edit this line: 「あんなに人前で膝に乗せたりするのに、まだ牀を共にしていないとはな。まあ、頑張れ」)

Ehhh!! Did I

possibly say out extra things?! (Zuben: Well…)

My face heated as I

blushed.

Oh forget it,

forget it.

Prince Stefan

gave a self satisfied laugh as he leaned back in his chair arm crossed. He

seemed pleased with his own advice. He wasn’t bossy, he’s great.

‘A man would

be happy to be seduced by the woman he loves.’

An invite from

me?!

But how? How

do I say that? In what situation?

‘That…isn’t

that if I can burn away the feeling of embarra.s.sment?’

‘Isn’t just

right that the cat is burnt off?’ he replied with a wicked grin. This person

looked very bad but why did he also look reliable at the same time?

I am the cat.

(Zuben: This cat that doesn’t actually mean a cat – stop haunting me!)

But, that’s

right.

There is no

need to wait for the man to ask, if you both like each other. Even the man

would be nervous and worried.

Alright, let’s

do it. (Zuben: Fist pump)

I will invite

him – I will hold out my hand.

Let’s have

that feeling with Volker.

Zuben: This

chapter was rather difficult, hope it makes sense to everyone.

35 But before

that…

Although I had

resolved my determination, I thought that it would be useless if I had no idea.

(Zuben: Not really)

Since I was

shy, I decided to ask the teacher least p.r.o.ne to embarra.s.sment.

I found Mother

writing a letter, she held her pen to her lips thinking. I waited patiently

till she was finished and we are by ourselves and asked her. She replied,

‘Well…it

hurts. Have you not done it yet?’

As expected,

Mother was a straight-forward person. It was a good idea to ask her.

‘Well, I’m not

married yet, is it alright to do it before I get married?!’ (Zuben: Your mother

is a weirdo, Freddie)

What about a

maiden’s modesty, society’s censure and such like?!

But Mother

just wriggled her eyebrows and gave me a look as if she was wondering why I had

said that. (Zuben: You got an innocent child)

Even if you

thought “Okay, I’ll do it!”, can you do it? There are other things to

consider like the circ.u.mstances of your partner and timing. I’m engaged to

someone I like, so I’m not going to say no.’

s.e.x before

marriage isn’t recommended, if I did it anyway, should I show it off or but on

an air of innocence?

My face got

hot.

Mother! What

kind of things are you telling your daughter?!

Mother looked

at me with narrowed eyes, but they still held a gentle expression. She suddenly

barked out in laughter,

‘Haha!’

Mother

beckoned me over to sit beside her; she caressed my hair as she said

mirthfully, ‘I was only joking. You’re really going to be a bride soon, when I

thought about it I was deeply impressed.’

It’s been a

while since she has done this, so it made me a bit fl.u.s.tered. That being said,

it was pleasant to have mother caress my hair, I closed my eyes and cuddled

closer to her.

‘Because you

grew up to be such a good girl by nature, I could relax. Thank you,’ Mother

said.

‘Such is not

so! It’s because I am Mother’s child…!’

Oh no! Now I

feel like I am about to cry! But why does it suddenly feel like the morning of

a parting? I have only come to ask for guidance about the first time and how to

avoid pain.

We ended up

facing each other solemnly after calming down with a cup of tea and a few biscuits.

Mother

regained her composure and looked at me with a bright gaze,

‘So what would

you like to ask?’ Mother asked. She was ready to listen to my questions.

I leaned

forward and asked, ‘Is there a good way or excuse to invite a man to bed?’

‘It depends on

timing and the partner. It is on occasion. Next question.’

‘How do I make

a man more attracted to me?’

‘I don’t know

because different people have different tastes. Next question.’

Hmm, did she

really want to answer my questions?

‘Em, I heard

that it hurts, but should I do to accept him?’

‘Well, trust

General Brennan. Open your heart and your crotch. If your mind isn’t ready,

your body won’t be ready. (Zuben: All is ready, she doesn’t know it yet) You

will become wet when you are caressed, and he will use his fingers to loosen

you up. It is not enough, he will use a balm. I have prepared the finest kind,

I will give it to you later. There is also a coating ointment that is very effective

as well. There is nothing special to say but do your best!’ Mother concluded a

little too spiritedly as she clenched her fist up.

Huh…what is

with the shout?!

Of course, I

trust Volker, but I don’t know about opening my mind and crotch. How to do…what

to do…other than securing perfumed oils for the time being!

Mother seemed

to have exhausted herself in that burst of fighting spirit collapsed against

the back rest of the settee, I leaned back beside her. I felt a bit breathless,

I got tired in such a short time!

‘You are

worried because he is physically different from you, but I am not worried. ‘

Nnn? I turned

my head to Mother.

‘In the end

you like him. Why get caught up in thinking it is impossible? You two will fit.

And you are in good shape, so you’ll be alright.’

Mother’s words

had no ground or support to back it, but it fell into my heart like a stone.

36 One Small

Question

With a vague

confidence in my chest, I returned to my room for the time being.

I wonder if

it is okay. I think for a moment and opened my closet.

I pulled open

my underwear drawer and pulled out its multicoloured contents. 

The first

thing I can imagine is wearing pure white underwear like a bride. But I’ve

heard that men like women to be s.e.xy, would it be better to be bewitching in

black? No, I don’t think it would suit me. A bride is dressed in white in the

first place. Did it signify being dyed in a man’s colour? (Zuben: why do these

j.a.panese women like this dyeing in people’s colour situation?)

Wow, would I

be dyed in Volker’s colour?!

It is what I

want. Will you dye me, Volker?  Fu ~oaa~a~aa! Just think about it makes me

what to faint. (Zuben: Enough of that carry on, Freddie)

But…

‘I should get

something fresh…’ I said to myself, ‘I can’t deny there should be feeling of

new beginnings.’

I’m sure

everyone would take the bride’s underwear for granted because the bride is

cure. But if I were to wear underwear especially for the wedding, I would wipe

away my worries about whether or not Volker would like it.

Do I have to

devise a plan to find his opinion? Would this involve going to the person or

going to a fas.h.i.+onable lingerie shop for research?

I wriggled

left to right as I groaned – ruminating.

‘Miss,’ I was

called. I turned to find Oliver standing over me.

‘Oliver,’ I

cried. I was surprised at my despondent tone of voice, but Oliver seemed to

have sensed I was troubled so, with a rise of an eyebrow, he went to close my

door.

‘Why have you

been groaning, Miss?’ he asked as he came closer. He didn’t make a sound when

he walked, he folded his legs and sat before me in front of the closet. He is

one corner of the top three that could not show weakness. (Zuben: Don’t ask me

what) But he is kind. The flaw in the jade was that he was too serious, could

be vindictive but he was ultimately reliable.

I will rely on

him for an answer,

‘Oliver, can I

ask you a question?’

As a talented

butler, he does look after me.

Alright, I

will take the plunge. Let’s go!

‘What kind of

underwear to men like?’

I saw

something I had never seen before.

‘It is

unsightly for the young Miss to ask a person of the opposite s.e.x this

question.’ He replied.

I thought it

would be best not to point out that Oliver’s cheeks were somewhat red.

‘It would be

unseemly to ask other people but I think it is okay to ask Oliver.’ I replied.

Because he was family. He had been with my family since before I was born. I

think of him as my other father without permission.

I could ask

Oliver things I couldn’t ask my father. So the weakness is tightly grasped.

(Zuben: Whose? Yours or Oliver’s?)

‘Please

consult Lady Pamela or Marie about such things,’ he replied as he rose. I

caught the hem of his jacket.

‘Please

Oliver, I want to know a man’s opinion.’

And I won’t

accept a reply about “individual preferences” either.

‘I would like

to know what your taste it.’

If it doesn’t

work with Oliver…then I would have to rely on Prince Stefan. I lowered my eyes

trying to look harmless and demure.

Sorry Oliver,

please be honest with your opinion.

He cleared his

throat and said very reluctantly, ‘In general, brides are seen to be pure and

innocent in their white dresses. They are supposed to see the wedding ceremony

as sacred, so following the same like of thought, the underwear chosen is

usually white I think.’

Well, I know

that part. That is general knowledge. I want more personal knowledge.

I make puppy

eyes and urge him on, ‘So what kind do you like?’

‘Er…em…white…lace.

It looks pure and beautiful on the skin.’

‘Lace…’

I see. I had

been convinced only girls like lace. Oliver left my room, ‘I shall take my

leave now, apologies young Miss.’

I don’t want

Oliver to be upset I put him on the spot, so I decided to apologise to him

later. But for some reason, it became difficult for me to see Oliver in the

mansion.

I wonder why?

Apologies for any typos...

♢ Chapters 37 to 39