When he was 17 years old, almost 18, s.h.i.+n Kim got into a car accident. It was a hit and run.

Jogging early in the morning was his habit. That day was especially foggy, but he didn't think much about it. s.h.i.+n realized his mistake much later. He regretted not being more careful.

It was a car he had never seen before. He couldn't remember the license plate either. He fell facefirst into a puddle after he was. .h.i.t and watched blankly as it turned red with his own blood.

s.h.i.+n remembered a single stream of blood rolling down his cheek. It felt so strange. It was warmer than he expected, so s.h.i.+n closed his eyes. At the time, he didn't feel pain. He couldn't breathe, so he scratched the ground with his fingernails. Every time he breathed, he felt his lung being stabbed.

When he opened his eyes, he saw his parents looking very pale.

s.h.i.+n entered in and out of consciousness. Some days, he became awake enough to hear others talking around him. Things felt real and dreamlike at the same time. He wondered if this whole situation was just a big nightmare.

Where was he? What time was it? What date? s.h.i.+n tried to open his eyes, but they refused to listen.

Then suddenly, he was able to see, even with his eyes closed. So many colors became visible to him. He had never experienced something like this before, so s.h.i.+n thought that perhaps he was dreaming.

"Here he is."

s.h.i.+n heard someone announcing their arrival. He could also hear the curtains dancing nearby. And then… s.h.i.+n saw the black hair. And the person with such pale face… As pale as the hospital curtain that was dead-white. That person was looking down at him.

After a long stare, the boy grabbed a chair and sat next to s.h.i.+n's bed. His face… s.h.i.+n didn't recognize him.

"…"

s.h.i.+n's breath was shallow. He couldn't see the boy's face clearly, so s.h.i.+n tried to open his eyes wider. But then, the boy covered s.h.i.+n's eyes with his hand.

His hand was trembling.

The boy whispered, "I think I might die."

Drop, drop.

Something fell onto s.h.i.+n's hand drop by drop. Instantly, s.h.i.+n knew they were tears. The boy looked so cold and indifferent, yet his tears were burning hot.

Was he still dreaming?

The boy looked so faint and fragile that s.h.i.+n thought he might disappear.

s.h.i.+n asked, "Why are you crying?"

s.h.i.+n pushed away his hand to look at the boy with wet eyes. The boy seemed to nod very subtly. Strangely, the boy's face didn't look clear to s.h.i.+n, but he could still feel the boy's eyes distinctively.

s.h.i.+n asked, "Who are you?"

Well, he tried to ask, but no voice came out of his mouth. His lung was damaged badly and the doctor told him not to talk at all. s.h.i.+n ended up mouthing the words, and the boy just stared.

Did he understand what s.h.i.+n asked? s.h.i.+n tried to move his hand, but the boy stopped him by holding it down.

"…"

s.h.i.+n saw the boy's eyes welling up with tears again. Soon, they rolled down his cheeks. The boy looked like he rarely cried. The tears continued to roll down, but the boy didn't wipe them away. He just let them be.

The boy looked like he was filled with sadness. A lot of it seemed to be for s.h.i.+n, but the boy also seemed to have innate sorrow inside of him. Then suddenly, s.h.i.+n saw his wrists. s.h.i.+n was still very confused, unable to form the words clearly, but he still was able to ask what he wanted.

"You are alive? You lived?"

The bandaged wrists. The boy's eyes widened in surprise.

The boy's eyes changed. He looked happy that s.h.i.+n recognized him, but also still sad. Happiness surrounded by underlying grief. So many different colors…

When s.h.i.+n tried to reach out to him again, the boy stopped him with his own hand. His hands still seemed to be trembling.

"Don't try to talk."

The boy's fingers were long and pretty. His hand was unusually small, making his fingers look longer than they were. The boy seemed so thin that s.h.i.+n felt bad about it. s.h.i.+n tried to hold onto the boy's hand because he suddenly felt the need to comfort the boy.

The boy looked down, his hands still shaking.

The boy whispered, "Don't be in pain… Don't be sick…"

"…"

"It's all my fault."

"…"

"I'm sorry, s.h.i.+n."

The boy cried but s.h.i.+n still couldn't understand the meaning of his tears. When s.h.i.+n squeezed the boy's hand, s.h.i.+n could hear the boy's heartbeat. The boy's eyes widened as if he could also feel s.h.i.+n's heartbeat as well. And just like that, they were confirming… life. That they were both alive.

When s.h.i.+n blinked, it was all over. He was again alone. It seemed like time had stopped again around him. He was living in between the strange dreams again.

***

s.h.i.+n was driving with Woojin next to him. s.h.i.+n smiled and said to him, "Your lip might bleed."

They were on their way to go to dinner.

After lunch, Woojin texted s.h.i.+n.

-I checked your message too late. Do you want to have dinner together instead?

Woojin didn't ask s.h.i.+n where he had been during lunch. Woojin didn't believe he had the right to ask such questions. He was unsure and unconfident of his position in this relations.h.i.+p.

Woojin looked down, and noticing this, s.h.i.+n lifted Woojin's chin with his finger. Woojin's skin seemed cold.

s.h.i.+n said to him, "You have been looking down a lot lately."

"…"

"Your lips are bleeding now. Turn towards me."

Woojin's heart sang loudly. s.h.i.+n carefully dabbed Woojin's dry lips and smiled like a child. s.h.i.+n was looking at him with a pleasant smile, yet Woojin felt a strange tension.

s.h.i.+n mumbled, "It must hurt."

"…"

"You ok, Uppercla.s.sman… Jin?"

Suddenly, Woojin slapped s.h.i.+n's hand away. The light changed from red to green, so s.h.i.+n began to drive again as if nothing happened. s.h.i.+n's heart, however, began to beat violently.

"W-what did you say?"

"What's wrong, Uppercla.s.sman Woojin? Oh, does it sound awkward? Calling you that?"

"…"

"I just tried it. Maybe I should call you Hyung?"

s.h.i.+n's lips were smiling, but his eyes weren't. Woojin began to panic, wondering if he heard s.h.i.+n wrong.

Woojin couldn't look at s.h.i.+n anymore. He looked out the window and bit his lips again. His mouth was filled with the metallic taste again.

s.h.i.+n said to him, "After dinner…"

"…"

"I have something I want to ask you."

"…"

"Will you answer me? Tell me what I want to know?"

Bit and pieces of memories crashed down onto Woojin. His wrists fell like they were burning. He became breathless.

Woojin grabbed his left chest and began to pant. s.h.i.+n frowned and parked the car on a nearby empty spot.

"a.s.sistant Manager Woojin!"

"W-wait… Ahh…"

s.h.i.+n awkwardly tried to cover Woojin's mouth, but Woojin refused, "Not… that… Just… give me… a moment…"

Woojin reached out and hugged s.h.i.+n's neck. He buried his face onto s.h.i.+n's shoulder as he was shaking.

s.h.i.+n said anxiously, "L-let's go to the hospital, Woojin."

"…."

Woojin's face looked panicked. His eyes darkened and welled up. Woojin bit his lips and continued to bury his face into s.h.i.+n's shoulder. He panted breathlessly.

This was one of the milder panic attacks Woojin experienced, but he held onto s.h.i.+n desperately. He wanted s.h.i.+n to worry about him.

How selfish and horrible could he be?

With shaking hands, Woojin held s.h.i.+n's face. Woojin remembered the blood… All the blood... He remembered his b.l.o.o.d.y hands from the swimming pool.

s.h.i.+n asked, "are you in pain?"

Hearing s.h.i.+n's voice helped. Woojin shook his head and took a slow deep breath. He wasn't having a seizure, which was a good thing. But secretly, Woojin wanted it to turn into a seizure…. Because then… Maybe… s.h.i.+n would care more about him.

"…"

Woojin didn't answer. The one who was in pain was not him.

It was s.h.i.+n.

s.h.i.+n mumbled, "I'm sorry… I'm so sorry, Woojin."

"…"

Woojin continued to breathe shakily. Why was he sorry? It was Woojin who ruined s.h.i.+n, so why?

It was Woojin who destroyed s.h.i.+n's life…

s.h.i.+n hugged Woojin tightly and murmured, "Please be ok. Don't get sick."

But… It was Woojin who caused s.h.i.+n so much pain.