"Don't you?" He rubbed his thumb lightly over her mouth. "Laura, love, can you say you didn't look at Jonathan this mornin' and wish the two of you was anyplace but there with me? Tell me you didn't, and I'll never bring any of this up again."

Laura couldn't tell him that because it would be a lie.

"Tell me it don't scare the sand out of you to think about bein' left alone. You know I'd never choose for it to happen, that I'd never leave you willingly, but it could happen, just the same."

It was an undeniable truth, and for the life of her, Laura could think of absolutely nothing she might say to change it. She shifted her gaze to Jonathan. Deke was right. They both had to think of the baby, of what might be best for him. Jonathan's life had nearly been ended that morning. The same might happen again. Such a thing would probably never occur in Boston.

"I reckon I've made my point," he said softly.

A panicky feeling welled within Laura, very like the one she had felt this morning when the barrel of Deke's Colt pressed against her temple. She looked up, silently pleading. "I don't know if I can leave you."

He lifted her face, his gaze trailing slowly over her features. His mouth quivered slightly at the corners, and he caught his bottom lip between his teeth. After a moment, he swallowed and managed to grin, but a suspicious sheen had gathered at the corners of his eyes.

"You can do whatever you got to," he said with certainty. "You lovin' Jonathan like you do, puttin' him before yourself, that's one of the things I've always admired about you. I ain't got a question in my mind that you'll do what's best for him now."

"Oh, Deke, that isn't fair."

"Life ain't fair, honey. And in some places, it's rougher than in others. Colorado's one of 'em." He took his hat off and pinched the creases in its crown, his expression thoughtful. "If I could see where life here would be betterfor you and the baby..." He flexed his shoulders and sighed. "If I could even weigh things out and see that Colorado could come close, I'd hogtie you and never let you leave. You gotta know that. But the fact is that Boston's got a heap more to offer, safety and security at the top of the list. I don't even know if Jonathan could get proper schoolin' here." He glanced up, his eyes twinkling yet unmistakably sad. "It'd be a hell of a note if he growed up to be like me. In Boston he can learn to be a real fancy gentleman. He'll have a home like I could never give him. Nice clothes. The best schools. You and me both have gotta think about all them things and feel certain sure raisin' him here, where he won't have 'em, is what's right for him."

"Yes," Laura said thinly. That one word was so difficult to push up her throat that she felt exhausted after uttering it and rested her head against the pillow, weary in a way she had never been, drained in a way she hadn't thought possible.

"I ain't sayin' I want you to go to Boston and never look back," he told her huskily. "I think there's things here in Colorado that's real fine, too. Fancy clothes ain't everything. Growin' up here can be a real fun time for a boy, and I think I could do real good by Jonathan in lots of ways. But not in the ways you growed up thinkin' was important." He paused for a moment. "I guess what I'm askin' is for you to take a good, hard look inside yourself, Laura. Not at how you feel or how you think I feel, but at what you want for your baby."

"That's a tall order."

"Yep."

"You don't know my father. Once I'm back under his thumb, I may not be allowed a choice, let alone a chance to contact you if I want to come back here."

Deke smiled at that. "Now, that there's a problem I think I took care of. Your daddy and me just had us a real long talk, and he understands real clear that you're gonna be doin' your own decidin' from here on out."

"My father? Here?" she asked incredulously.

After her initial amazement had passed, Deke filled her in on all that had transpired while she slept.

"Anyhow," he finished, "he's agreed to my terms. If you go back with him, he won't be arrangin' no marriage with Becker. He'll be content just to have you and his grandson with him, and that's how it should be. He's also agreed that he won't give you trouble if you decide to come back here to Colorado. If he does, all you gotta do is send me a telegraph or a letter, and I'll hightail it to Boston."

"You dictated terms to my father?" she whispered. "How on earth did you"

"I just told him a story I know about acorns," Deke said with a chuckle. "After that, he was real accommodatin'."

Laura couldn't share his confidence. "Deke, you have to understand that my father isn't a man who always keeps his word. What he agrees to now and what he does later may be two different things. He might not allow me to contact you once we're safely away from here."

"He understands that I'm gonna expect letters from you real regular. If I don't get 'em, I'll know somethin' is wrong."

"He might stand over me while I write to you."

At that, he chuckled again. "I thought of that. The way I see it, we need us a trick up our sleeves to make sure you can let me know if somethin' has gone wrong. I was thinkin' on a special wordone just you and me know about. In every letter, you can be sure to use that word at least once to let me know things is all okay. If you write me a letter and don't use that word, I'll know things has gone sour."

Laura grinned. "I think maybe you understand my father better than I gave you credit for. What special word would we use?"

"Your favorite one," he said silkily. "Despicable. I promise to start learnin' how to spell it tomorrow."

Laura giggled. Then she grew serious. It was one thing to discuss leaving him. It would be quite another to actually do it. They gazed into each other's eyes for several endless seconds, communicating in a way only lovers can. Laura knew this was as difficult for him as it was for her.

"For Jonathan," he whispered.

She finally nodded. "And how long a time must I think things over?"

He smoothed her hair, then curled his hand over her nape, his fingertips lightly caressing. "Until the dust settles," he replied. "However long that takes." His eyes warmed on hers. "If you decide halfway home that you're absolutely sure Colorado is where you wanna raise that boy, stop wherever you are and wire me for money. I'll come into town real regular and check at the telegraph office."

Laura shifted her attention to Jonathan. She studied his precious profile for a moment, feeling overwhelmed by the decisions Deke was asking her to make. Her son's future, everything he might one day be, rested entirely in her hands, and no matter how she might try to rationalize it, she feared that, in the end, the advantages Boston had to offer would far outweigh those in Colorado.

"Hey."

She glanced up to find Deke smiling at her. Smiling through tears. Upon seeing them, she threw herself into his arms and clung to him with all her might, not at all sure she would be able to let him go.

"Oh, Deke. I can't do this!"

He pressed his face against the curve of her neck and began to rub her back, comforting her, as he had always done. Laura sobbed when he started to pat her. Those wonderful thumps from his big hands. How would she live without them?

"We got somethin' special, you and me," he whispered shakily. "The kind of feelin' some folks never find. If it turns out that you stay in Boston, if it turns out that you and me can't never see each other again, we'll always have that feelin'. You know what I'm sayin'?"

Laura did know, and that was the heartbreak of it. To love him so much, and to know he loved her as well. Their time together had been so short, and now he was saying it might have to last them a lifetime.

When he finally drew away, Laura let him go. As if by mutual consent, they both turned their gazes to Jonathan. Deke braced a hand on the bed to lean over him and press a farewell kiss to his forehead.

"He's turnin' out to be a real fine-lookin' boy," he said softly.

Laura agreed with a murmur. As Deke straightened, she whispered, "You're not leaving right now, are you?"

He pushed up from the bed and picked up his hat. "I still got some things to do before I call it a night." He snapped his fingers at Chief. "And you and your daddy got a lot of catchin' up to do."

Because he avoided looking into her eyes, Laura sensed he didn't intend to come back. She felt as if a cold metal band were tightening around her chest. "Is this it? Good-bye, just like that?"

"I ain't never gonna tell you good-bye, Boston. Sayin' the words would break my heart. So I just ain't gonna say 'em."

"I don't even know where your ranch is. You can't just"

"Hell, it's easy to find." He hooked a thumb toward the window. "Head north about five miles till you hit a wagon road. Cut left onto it and go westish until your wadin' ankle-deep in cow shit." His eyes took on a mischievous glint. "If you hit the Rockies, you'll know you've gone too far."

Because she was perilously close to tears, Laura took her cue from him and said lightly, "Westish? Can you name me a direction without an ish stuck on the end, Mr. Sheridan?"

He strode to the door. As he opened it, he paused to look back at her. "Hell, Boston, with directions like that, how lost can you possibly get?"

With that, he and Chief stepped out of the room. And out of her life. Laura sat there, staring at the closed door, for a very long while, feeling as though he had ripped the very heart out of her.

"Pretty damned lost," she whispered.

And then she wept.

Chapter 28.

The remainder of that night and the following day became a blur in Laura's mind. With his usual assertiveness, her father took control, ordering her and Jonathan traveling wardrobes from the local dressmaker's, purchasing trunks and all the necessities to fill them, toiletries, brushes, and wardrobe accessories. Money was no object. Laura had forgotten how it felt to name anything she wanted or needed and have it be hers.

Things. So many things that she had once taken for granted. Eating at the nicest restaurant in town. Expensive perfume. Silk against her skin. Not having to do any sort of work, and knowing she would never have to again. It was a seductive thought.

Toward late afternoon, she stood at the hotel room window, gazing down at the Denver street below. She watched people as they passed by, mothers with children, married couples. It seemed to her they were all conversing with one another. Seeing those people made her feel incredibly lonely. During all the rush to prepare for the return trip to Boston, her father had said very little to her. Hello, darling. Empty words, coming from him, and she had yearned to hear Deke say "darlin'" in that lazy way he had. It's good to see you again. Was her father truly glad to see her? Laura wasn't certain, and that made her feel empty.

Not that she had expected anything more. How else was she to feel without Deke? He had become the most important person in her world. And now he was gone. It was amazing how attached one could grow to another person in five short weeks. She knew the feeling was mutual. If I make love to you, Boston, and then I lose youwell, I ain't sure I could stand it. The evening he had said that to her, things had seemed so simple. She had been so certain that their future was decided.

The click of a revolver hammer had changed, all that.

Don't think about him, she ordered herself. Her feelings weren't what she had to consider. If that were the case, she wouldn't be here now, for she knew where she wanted to be. What she had to think of was Jonathan's welfare, not just about the sort of life her father could provide for him, but his safety and wellbeing. Wherever she decided to raise Jonathan, she had to know it was the very best place. Deke had to know that as well.

Pressing her hand against her waist, Laura was acutely conscious of the fine fabric of her new dress against her palm. Turning from the window, she settled her gaze on Jonathan. He looked adorable in the little suit her father had bought him. Checkered wool in ocher tones, with buff-colored gaiters and tiny little high-top shoes. A far cry from animal hides and moss. He looked like a wizened little old man.

Moving toward him, Laura managed a smile. He was awake and pumping his hands and feet, his dark blue eyes fastened curiously on the ceiling. Laura looked up and saw nothing fascinating. But, then, everything was new to Jonathan. Deke claimed the nicest thing about babies was that they made adults look at the world through their eyes.

"Hello, there," she said softly, and sat beside her son on the mattress. "Jonathan? What do you see up there?"

At the sound of her voice, he turned to look at her and smiled. At just that moment, the hotel room door opened, and her father stepped in. Laura threw him an excited grin. "Daddy, he just smiled at me!"

"Hm." Her father stepped to the dresser and sifted through some papers he had laid there, not so much as glancing at the baby.

"Daddy, didn't you hear me? Jonathan smiled. He's never done that before. Not a real smile, anyway. Oh, I wish Deke could have seen him. He was always calling me over to look, convinced he was smiling, but"

Laura broke off as her father whirled to look at her. "Deke, Deke, Deke!" he snapped. "I am heartily sick of hearing that man's name, and if you would refrain from saying it, I would be much appreciative."

Laura swallowed. "He's a very nice man, Daddy."

"Nice? Nice! He is, without question, the most uncouth individual I've ever had the misfortune of meeting."

"Daddy, if not for Deke, Jonathan and I might be dead."

"Yes, well." He sighed and fluttered the paper. "For that, I'm grateful to him. But gratitude doesn't blind me to the sort of man he is, Laura. Definitely not a proper father for Jonathan, that's for certain, and I believe you've made a very wise decision, returning to Boston. God forbid that my grandson should have grown up patterning himself after that fellow. The mere thought makes me shudder."

Not a proper father? Deke had said almost the same thing last night, that it would be a terrible thing if Jonathan grew up to be like him. Her throat tightened, and tears burned under her eyelids. As she recalled, she had been so upset, she hadn't argued with him on that point, and she should have. If Jonathan grew up to be half the man Deke Sheridan was, Laura would be pleased.

In her mind's eye, she pictured Deke. His twinkling gaze, his lopsided grin, the way he threw his dark head back when he laughed. Then she remembered other things, his tenderness, his big, clumsy hands, the way it felt when he held her, the expression that always softened his features when he looked at Jonathan. Deke. He had shielded her and the baby with his own body. Laura wasn't certain her father would have done the same.

She studied her father now, comparing him to Deke, finding him lacking. He could give Jonathan so many things. But could he give him the right things? Would he listen when her son needed to talk? Would he hug him when he needed affection? Would he spend time with him, or would he always be too busy and distracted, as he was now.

"Daddy...?" Laura stood and walked slowly across the room. "Daddy?"

He was studying the paper again. "I do believe I've found an error here," he muttered.

Laura sighed. "Must we dine with Sheldon tonight?"

"I don't know, dear. We'll see."

We'll see. His pat answer. A safe answer. No matter what she might ask, he could safely make that reply without paying attention. Daddy, may I jump out the attic window? We'll see. Laura couldn't count the times he had said that to her over the years. We'll see...

Feeling frustrated, she took a calming breath. Deke wanted her to take this time, to weigh things carefully, to make her decision with her head instead of her heart. If she constantly found fault with her father, she wouldn't be giving Boston and a life there with him a very fair chance.

She decided to try again.

"Daddy, I thought it might be nice if just the three of us spent some time together. Just you and me, with Jonathan. Wouldn't that be pleasant? We've had so little time today. I'd enjoy getting a chance to talk with you."

He graced her with a glance. "Oh? What about?"

"I, um..." Laura shrugged. "I don't know. About things. The last two years with Tristan. About my ... I'm feeling kind of lonely, Daddy. And a little scared."

He looked up again, studying her over the rims of his spectacles. "Scared?"

"Yes. I want to be certain I'm doing the right thing."

He looked irritated at that. "Don't be a goose, Laura. Of course you are. And how can you be lonely? I'm here. Jonathan's here." Even as he finished speaking, his voice was trailing off, as was his attention.

"But, Daddy, you don't talk to me."

He quirked an eyebrow. "I'm talking to you right now."

He called this talking? Laura looked deeply into his eyes. It was frightening, the coldness she saw there. Certainly no love. It was as though her father looked through her instead of at her. She imagined Jonathan, ten years from now, looking into those cold eyes, seeing no love. Laura knew how that felt. As a child, it had been her sole endeavor to please her father, to make him proud of her. She had never succeeded in doing either.

Deke was proud of her. His voice echoed in her mind. Reload! She wanted to weep at the memory. To be shoulder to shoulder with a man like Deke Sheridan, to know he trusted her to do her part. It had been the greatest of compliments, and she would carry that prideful feeling inside her always. Her father didn't understand that. The people in his life were part of the fancy trappings, possessions he took for granted.

Was that what she truly wanted for Jonathan?

Stop it, Laura. Make the best of this. "Wouldn't you like to hear about what's happened to me these last two years, Daddy?"

"Actually, darling, I believe the less we speak of Tristan, the better." He flashed her one of those quick smiles that never warmed his expression. "Why don't you play with the baby for a few more minutes? Let me finish up here, and then we'll talk for a bit, if you'd like."

Resigned, Laura returned to the bed. Upon seeing her, Jonathan dimpled his cheek again. "Daddy, he did it again. Looked right at me and smiled, I swear. Come and see. Hurry, before he starts fussing because he's hungry."