12.

There are two kinds of chefs in this world. Those who disturb the universe with their cooking, and those who do not dare to do so. I am of the last kind. I try to make myself invisible. Don't get me wrong. Great satisfaction comes to me watching people praise my dishes. And yet . . . Food that draws attention to itself is not my idea of perfection.

'Bad' cooking, of course, draws attention, but so do dishes that are technically considered 'good'. The 'best' preparation is the one that transports people elsewhere, far away from the table.

Chef Kishen dazzled dazzled the table. I, on the other hand, transport people to the table. I, on the other hand, transport people to dazzling dazzling places. But I have never been able to cook like him. His touch was precise. As if music. He appraised fruits, vegetables, meats, with astonishment, and grasped them with humility, with reverence, very carefully as if they were the most fragile objects in the world. Before cooking he would ask: Fish, what would you like to become? Basil, where did you lose your heart? Lemon: It is not places. But I have never been able to cook like him. His touch was precise. As if music. He appraised fruits, vegetables, meats, with astonishment, and grasped them with humility, with reverence, very carefully as if they were the most fragile objects in the world. Before cooking he would ask: Fish, what would you like to become? Basil, where did you lose your heart? Lemon: It is not who who you touch, but you touch, but how how you touch. Learn from big elaichi. There, there. Karayla, meri jaan, why are you so prudish? . . . Cinnamon was 'hot', c.u.min 'cold', nutmeg caused good erections. Exactly: 32 kinds of tarkas. 'Garlic is a woman, Kip. Avocado, a man. Coconut, a hijra . . . Chilies are South American. Coffee, Arabian. "Curry powder" is a British invention. There is no such thing as you touch. Learn from big elaichi. There, there. Karayla, meri jaan, why are you so prudish? . . . Cinnamon was 'hot', c.u.min 'cold', nutmeg caused good erections. Exactly: 32 kinds of tarkas. 'Garlic is a woman, Kip. Avocado, a man. Coconut, a hijra . . . Chilies are South American. Coffee, Arabian. "Curry powder" is a British invention. There is no such thing as Indian Indian food, Kip. But there are food, Kip. But there are Indian methods Indian methods (Punjabi-Kashmiri-Tamil-Goan-Bengali-Hyderabadi). Allow a dialogue between (Punjabi-Kashmiri-Tamil-Goan-Bengali-Hyderabadi). Allow a dialogue between our our methods and the ingredients from the rest of the world. j.a.pan, Italy, Afghanistan. Make something new. Channa goes well with artichokes. Rajmah with brie and parsley. Don't get stuck inside nationalities.' I would watch the movement of his hands for hours on end. Once the materials stripped themselves bare, Chef mixed them with all that he remembered, and all that he had forgotten. Sometimes he would contradict himself, and that was the toughest thing to master in the kitchen. methods and the ingredients from the rest of the world. j.a.pan, Italy, Afghanistan. Make something new. Channa goes well with artichokes. Rajmah with brie and parsley. Don't get stuck inside nationalities.' I would watch the movement of his hands for hours on end. Once the materials stripped themselves bare, Chef mixed them with all that he remembered, and all that he had forgotten. Sometimes he would contradict himself, and that was the toughest thing to master in the kitchen.

The day I discovered I had cancer something happened to my hands. They looked exactly the same, the same shape, but I tore a chapatti a little differently, and I picked up fruits from the bowl differently, gazed at them a little longer than I used to. Even the gla.s.s of water didn't get lifted the usual way. It appeared as if time had expanded and was distorting into patterns I didn't know. I felt the heat of a spoon, its coldness. I became that coldness.

Before he left by bus to the glacier, Kishen asked me to take care care of the nurse in the hospital. How was I to take of the nurse in the hospital. How was I to take care care of her? She had already said no to my advances, and I felt humiliated. But our next meeting was inevitable. Eight days after Chef's departure I noticed a dense fog building up outside. Standing by the window, peeling an onion, I felt an immense need to see her. It was as if a garden had grown inside me.I ordered my a.s.sistant to take over, and walked down the hill to the hospital. of her? She had already said no to my advances, and I felt humiliated. But our next meeting was inevitable. Eight days after Chef's departure I noticed a dense fog building up outside. Standing by the window, peeling an onion, I felt an immense need to see her. It was as if a garden had grown inside me.I ordered my a.s.sistant to take over, and walked down the hill to the hospital.

Once it was a mosque and the hospital now had a green dome. It was a modest but magical-looking place. When I arrived she was busy in the ward, and asked me to wait outside in the hall.

There I waited half an hour, my gaze fixed on the floor. The black and white square tiles looked freshly mopped, not a single particle of dust on them. At last she emerged. Along came the smell of penicillin and talc.u.m powder. Afternoon, I said. She seized my arm. A current pa.s.sed through me.

'Can you visit me this evening?'

'Your home?' I asked.

She nodded.

'Right now I am in a hurry,' she said.

There was a small mole on the left side of her nose as if a seed of black cardamom. I felt like touching the mole, but there was no time. A patient cried sister, sister sister, sister. The nurse consulted her wrist.w.a.tch. Well, she said. Later, I said, and we began walking in opposite directions.

The Rogan Josh I prepared that day was one of my best. My a.s.sistant asked many questions about origins origins and and authenticity authenticity and I found myself responding like Chef Kishen. Major, this tastes of heaven, he said. Good, I said. Now you take your break. Watching him disappear through the kitchen door I thought of a boat I had seen in the Dal Lake it was called and I found myself responding like Chef Kishen. Major, this tastes of heaven, he said. Good, I said. Now you take your break. Watching him disappear through the kitchen door I thought of a boat I had seen in the Dal Lake it was called heevan heevan. The painter had misspelled 'heaven' as 'heevan' and for a brief second I felt as if G.o.d had misspelled my fate in more or less the same way. I have a great talent to ruin things when they start shaping up. But that day, when the fog lifted, I was on top of the world, and dark thoughts could not win the tug of war. General Sahib was not supposed to eat at home in the evening. He was to dine at the Alpha Officers' Mess with commissioned officers and their wives. It was my day off. I was ready to transfer the lamb to the tiffin-carrier when Sahib's ADC made an entry, parting the curtains.

'Kip, who are you cooking the Rogan Josh for?'

'Oh,' I said cautiously, 'for tomorrow, sir.'

'Sahib prefers fresh food.'

'My mistake, sir. It will not happen again.'

Then he was unusually nice to me.

'Sahib often praises your preparations. The subzi you made a few days ago was most karari, and piyaz with fish tikka were exemplary. Shabash! Well done!' he said, and patted me on the back.

'Thank you, sir.'

'Also,' he said, 'I am very impressed you are bringing knowledge from other officers' kitchens to Gen Sahib's residence.'

'Thank you, sir.'

He was the first officer (and dancer) to have stepped in the kitchen, ever, in my presence. His rank was that of a captain.

'Kip,' he said, 'this evening the General would like to reward you and other staff members, too, for all the good work and for maintaining highest standards.'

'Sir.'

'Before the function begins this evening in the Officers' Mess, General k.u.mar will have rum with the entire staff on the lawns of the Mess.'

'Rum, sir?'

'Everyone must attend. Seventeen-twenty hours, sharp. Understand?'

'Yes, sir.'

'Now make me a quick nimbu-pani.'

Rum with the General on the lawns of the Officers' Mess was a rare honor for us, the staff members. I was doubly excited. But this new development cut into the time I could spend at the nurse's quarter. I did not want to hurry her. I did not want to talk about work at all, or brag about the rare honor I was about to receive from Sahib.

Evening came and I polished my shoes and took longer than usual to tie my turban in front of the mirror. I wore my blue shirt and black pants and felt slightly uncomfortable because the clothes were just like new. She lived not far from the Dal Lake. On the way to her house I kept thinking about how my body felt in my clothes. I kept delaying. At the side of the lake, I looked at the water, the waves, and for a brief moment sat on a rock and when I turned I noticed a man fishing. Salaam, he said, and I recall my response was extremely slow.

'What fish are you looking for?'

'Trout,' he said.

It occurred to me that he had been sitting there for a long time. There were no fish in his bucket. Not far from him I saw half-open blue irises and I plucked one. I had forgotten to bring along a proper gift, other than Rogan Josh and garlic naan in the tiffin carrier.

I stood before her door. The curtain was made of beads. When she appeared I did not know how to greet, so I simply apologized for being late. Then she also apologized. She too had been late. For a moment, she said, I thought you came here, and not finding me in, you left. It is not cool cool to be late, she said. to be late, she said.

Inside, she grabbed my arm again. Sorry, she said. I am not going to offer you tea or snacks, but there is something 'you must know.'

'Please don't tell it right away,' I said. 'I already know what you are trying to say.'

She installed my flower in the vase.

Something made me wipe the crumb of bread from her kameez. Kishen treats you just like his son, she said. I nodded. It is true, I said. I agree whole-heartedly. Do you know he keeps a journal?

'Yes,' she said. 'He mentioned it to me once.'

'Not everyone knows.'

'Did you ever read it?' she asked in Hindi.

'No, but two days before he left Chef woke me up in the middle of the night. He was scribbling something. What is your best experience with food, Kip? His voice was very disturbed. I rubbed my eyes. Why wake me up at this insane hour? Tell me, he said. First you tell, I insisted. The best meal I ever had was at a dhaba in Amritsar. Me too, I lied. I don't know why I lied. The dhaba food was not even half as good as the dal-roti at the Golden Temple. His gaze settled on me for a long time before it turned absolutely cold and he started jotting again in the journal and I went back to sleep. In my dream I saw a plate and a bowl, both made out of miniature fig leaves. The leaves were st.i.tched together with toothpicks.'

Telling her about the dream made me feel better. But her mind was elsewhere. She kept looking at the vase on the table. The dots on the vase were almost the same size as her mole. 'I want to tell you something,' she said.

'Later,' I said. 'Gen Sahib is going to honor me this evening in the Officers' Mess. How proud Kishen will be when he gets to hear it! Often I hear an echo of his voice: Cook without fear of failure, Kip. But, you must never fail.'

'I do not know how to tell you this, but I must,' she said. 'I know Kishen has not shared this with you, and that is why I must. We are not married, but we are like husband and wife.'

'You are like what?'

'Husband and wife, you know what I mean?'

'Yes, yes,' I said.

'That is why,' she said, 'it is not good when I see you giving me that look. I have sensed it in your eyes many times and I would like to tell you that it is not right.'

'I am sorry,' I said.

'No, I am sorry,' she said, 'and I have no tea to offer you.'

I did not know whether to stay or leave.

From her window that huge ma.s.s of snow and ice was faintly visible on the distant mountains, and I took a few steps to the window and looked at that thing for a long time.

What is a thing called a glacier glacier? I asked myself. Layer over layer of ice. Snow from hundreds of years ago. Peel this one and then peel that one. Endless, limitless, thankless work. It cuts one's fingers. Endless, limitless, thankless work. The glacier deceived people, it didn't even reveal its actual size or intentions or the number of layers. No, it was not. The glacier was not a thing of beauty. It was one big white onion. It brought tears to one's eyes. Useless tears, I say to myself. The saddest thing about those tears was that they were absolutely useless.

She tapped on my shoulder, and when I turned she hugged me, and said: Now go.

I left the Rogan Josh next to the vase on the table. Under the table there were three miniature battle tanks. They glared at me. I'd not noticed them earlier. Centurions: manufactured in England. Now go, she insisted. Without a proper namaste I stepped out towards the Officers' Block. It was getting dark and chilly and I pa.s.sed lots of jeeps and black cars parked on both sides of the road. I made it exactly twenty minutes before rum at the Alpha Officers' Mess.

The Mess was bright both inside and outside. The lawn was lit up with floodlights. The flowers that lined the lawn were red and yellow and purple, and they were the size of footb.a.l.l.s. We lined up outside on the lawn. The gardener Agha, the water carrier, the sweeper, the orderlies the entire staff that worked at Sahib's residence.

There were two empty chairs on the lawn, and behind those chairs the little girl Rubiya appeared: 'Daddy, the men are here!'

But as soon as she said that the girl ran away as if afraid of us.

Then all of a sudden I heard confident footsteps pounding on the pebbled path. General Sahib stepped out in his dashing civilian clothes, wearing an impressive tie. He walked up close to the line, shaking our hands one by one.

'Stand at ease,' said the colonel of the regiment.

It was the second time I stood next to General Sahib face to face, and I did not know how to conduct myself in front of him. I stood to attention the way my father used to in the photos. The General looked at me with piercing eyes.

'The army is proud of your father.'

'Sir.'

He patted my back.

'You know, Kirpal, Major Iqbal did all the work and I got the baton.'

I did not know what to make of it.

Then the General laughed.

I still recall the fine cut of his dark blue jacket and the red and blue regimental tie. Sahib was around forty-nine then, that day we had rum, and he did not change much as long as I knew him. I remember he had a large collection of ties. The width of his ties changed according to the fashion of the year. Narrow. Broad. Narrow again. His neck was long and his face sharp and clean-shaven.

'We are impressed by your exemplary work,' he said.

'Thank you, sir.'

'The colonel has recommended you for a promotion, Kirpal.'

'Sir.'

'Now you are only one rank short of an officer.'

'Thank you, sir.'

'Let us drink to that.'

We clinked our rum gla.s.ses. I looked at General Sahib in the eye.

'You are very handsome, my boy,' said the General.

'Thank you, sir.'

'Beautiful. Just like a woman, sir,' said the ADC from far away.

'Are you happy?' said the General.

'Sir, is it possible to go on a three-day casual leave, sir?'

'When?'

'First week of July, sir.'

'Delhi?'

'No, sir. Glacier, sir.'

'I understand, Kirpal. Your father . . .'

Then he turned to the colonel: 'Send Kip on some duty to the glacier. Is there a vehicle going?'

'I will look into that, sir. But, for now the situation is unstable.'

The General turned and saw Colonel Chowdhry's wife enter the Officers' Mess. The other officers' wives were already inside the dance hall, waiting. Particles of talc.u.m powder kept floating towards us on the lawn. The light in that room was faint and weak and before the colonel's wife stepped inside she smiled at me from a distance.

'What is going on?' exclaimed the General. 'Pakistan is inside, and is inside, and India India is outside! This is unfair!' is outside! This is unfair!'

The officers laughed. Loud music could be heard.

'Very unfair, sir. The gentlemen are outside, and the ladies are inside.'

'Unfair,' repeated the General.

'Start the party, sir?'