I tried to explain what had happened as he regarded me suspiciously. "C'mon, drive you up there," he finally said, his eyes hard and commanding as he led me to his car. Feeling an absolute fool, I sat on the front seat beside him, and didn't know what to say.

"I was just going to check on your grandpa myself," he said in way of explanation the minute he gunned his motor and shot forward.

"He's not your responsibility!" I cried out like a child, my voice gone strange and thick.

"I'd do the same thing for anyone all alone up there at his age."

Silence thicker than fog came between Logan and me. The trees along the roadside were lashed unmercifully by the winds, before the hail pelted down and Logan was forced to the side of the highway to wait until the worst was over. That took about ten minutes, and during that time neither of us spoke.

Once more Logan drove his car toward a familiar dirt road that would branch out any second. Fastening my eyes on the road ahead, I tried to control my trembling.

Long ago I had considered Winnerrow's one and only hotel superbly grand; now I knew it was seedy. But still it was far better than the shack he was driving me to! I felt like crying. I wanted a comfortable bed, clean sheets and nice blankets, and heat to drive this sudden chill from my bones. And now I'd have only the cabin with its outhouse, and the inadequate heat of Ole Smokey. I felt a tragic sense of loss as civilization was left behind in Winnerrow.

Instead of crying, I lit into Logan.

"And so you play the good Samaritan to my grandfather, do you? I suppose you just need someone in your life you can pity and demonstrate your generosity to."

He flicked me another of his scornful glances, and I looked at him long enough to see there wasn't a spark of the love that was once in his eyes. It hurt to know that my best friend had turned into a worst enemy, the kind of enemy who would kill me with hard glances and cruel words; the knives he'd save for others to throw.

I pressed back hard against the seat and slid as far from him as possible, vowing to myself not to look at him again, though in the dark, I couldn't see him very well anyway. Something was going wrong with my vision. Unreality had me squeezed in a tight fist. That ache in my bones had spread to my chest, behind my eyes, and my face burned as well as hurt. Moving became more difficult.

"I drive your grandfather to Winnerrow when he wants to go," Logan said stiffly, flicking me a glance. "He comes up often from Georgia and Florida to check on his cabin."

"He said Skeeter Burl would drive him home . . ."

"Skeeter Burl did drive him a few times to and from church, but he was killed in a hunting accident about two months ago."

Why would Grandpa tell me a lie? Unless he'd lost touch with reality and had forgotten. And of course, Grandpa had forgotten reality the day his Annie died .

Logan fell into another prolonged silence, as did I. The world had lost a mean man when Skeeter Burl departed, even if he had favored Grandpa with a ride or two.

Using all the shortcuts it was seven miles from Winnerrow to our cabin. This road made it three times that distance. My fuzzy mind tried to sort out clues. "Why aren't you in Boston? Doesn't your school start in late August?"

"Why aren't you?"

"I'm planning to fly back to Boston tomorrow afternoon . . ." I said vaguely.

"If the rain stops," he said flatly.

The rain came down in torrents. I'd never seen such rain except in early spring. This was the kind of strong driving rain that turned small creeks and springs into tiger rivers that tore down bridges and uprooted trees, and flooded the banks. Sometimes in the w.i.l.l.i.e.s it had rained for a week, and more, and when it was over, lakes of water had kept us from going anywhere, even to school.

And Troy was expecting me to return late tomorrow. I'd have to call him as soon as I got back to Winnerrow. Another few miles pa.s.sed. "How are your parents?" I asked.

"Fine," he answered shortly, discouraging me from asking more.

"I'm glad to hear that."

At this point he turned off the main highway, and now the road turned into hardly more than a dirt path full of deep ruts flooded with water. The rain still sluiced down, slashing at the windshield, at the windows on my side. Logan switched off the wipers, and leaned forward to peer ahead. I'd never seen Logan look so hard before, so unaccommodating. Then he moved suddenly, seizing hold of my left hand, and for seconds he stared at the huge diamond on my ring finger. "I see," he said, dropping my hand as if he never wanted to touch me again.

I clamped my lips together, sealed my mind, and tried to think of something but the way Our Jane and Keith had rejected me. That horrible sense of loss clung to me like old rotting moss.

Paying strict attention to the road, Logan said nothing more, and it was with relief that he turned into the s.p.a.ce that represented the yard of the mountain cabin I'd not expected to see again.

This time I came to the cabin where I'd been born, with Boston perspective, my sensibilities trained now to appreciate beauty and fine construction; my taste cultivated with an eye for the best that life had to offer. So I sat, ready to feel appalled and disgusted; ready to wonder how anyone could want to go back . . back to that! I could see it all in my mind's eye, the listing, ramshackled shack with the sagging front porch, the old wood gone silvery and streaked with stains from the tin roof. The dirt yard grown over with weeds and brambles, though the puddles of rainwater would conceal the worst, and I wouldn't look toward the outhouse and worry about how Grandpa managed to shuffle himself back and forth. I had to see the Reverend in the morning. Then I had to return to Troy.

Logan was parking the car, and I had to look, had to face up to the horror of Grandpa out here, alone in the rain, half-protected by a leaky roof, with the ghost of his wife on a night when the wind was blowing, and that always made the cabin so drafty.

I sat staring, barely giving credence to what I saw. The listing cabin was gone!

In its place was a strong-looking, well-made log cabin, the kind city men called "hunting lodges."

Surprise almost had me paralyzed. "How?" I asked. "Who?"

Logan gripped the wheel hard, as if to keep from shaking sense into me. Nor did he look my way as we sat on in the parked car. And inside the cabin lights shone. Electricity! I was trapped in disbelief, feeling this was a dream.

"From the way I've heard it, your grandpa was unhappy living in Georgia where it is flat and stifling hot," explained Logan, "and he didn't know anyone there. He missed the hills. He missed Winnerrow. And from what Tom wrote me, you sent him hundreds of dollars last October to pay for a few of his 'critters' and that got him going. He wanted to go back to where he could see his Annie. And he had that money you mailed him, so he came back. Tom has contributed his share of money, too, he works night and day. The old cabin was torn down, and this one was put up. It didn't take but twelve weeks, and still it is a very nice cabin inside. Don't you want to go in and see? Or are you planning to leave the old man alone with the ghost who shares his home?"

How could I tell Logan it wouldn't make any difference if I stayed or went, Grandpa would still live with his beloved ghost, no matter what. But I couldn't say it. Instead I stared at the two-story cabin. Even from the outside I could tell it was nice inside. There were two sets of triple windows across the front that had to allow lots of sunshine to flood inside. I remembered the two small rooms that had always been dim and smoky, with never enough light or fresh air. What a difference six windows could make!

And I did want to see the inside, of course I did. But I was feeling peculiar, quivering one second from chills, flushed and hot the next. My joints began to ache more severely; even my stomach felt rebellious.

I opened the pa.s.senger door of the car and said, "I can walk back to town, Logan, tomorrow morning. You don't have to wait for me."

I slammed the door, uncomfortable with old times now that I'd adjusted to new times, and running against the cold rain, I entered the log cabin. To my astonishment the cabin, which had seemed small on the outside, had a large living room where Grandpa was on his hands and knees, busy fiddling with the logs he hoped to burn in the stone fireplace that reached the ceiling and spread across one entire side of the room. There were fine, heavy bra.s.s andirons, a handsome firescreen, and a heavy grate, and even before a match was lit, the house was already warm. Pulled close to the hearth, situated on a large braided rug such as Granny had once made from old nylon stockings given to her by the church bazaar ladies, were the two old rockers that Granny and Grandpa had used on the porch of the old cabin. And in the winter they had been brought inside. They were the only articles of furniture left from the original cabin.

Two chairs that looked old, faded, worn, and yet they touched me as none of the new furniture did.

"Annie . . . didn't I tell ya she were here?" said Grandpa excitedly, reaching to lay his gnarled hand on the arm of the best rocker where his wife used to sit. "She's come t'stay, Annie. Our Heaven girl, come t'take kerr of us in our time of need."

Oh, dear G.o.d, I couldn't stay!

Troy was waiting for me!

Logan had followed me into the house and watched me from the door. I tried to pull myself together and fight whatever it was that was making me feel ill. I rambled around the four downstairs rooms that were paneled with wood. In the kitchen I gazed with wonder on the bright modern electric appliances. There was a double stainless steel sink, and beside it a dishwasher! Folding doors revealed a laundry room with a washer and dryer! A large double-door refrigerator! More cabinets than even Kitty'd had in her kitchen. Country curtains at the windows, blue gingham with a row of yellow daisies to trim the hem, and white cotton b.a.l.l.s fringed the edges. A round table was spread with a matching gingham tablecloth. The tile on the floor was bright blue, the cushions tied to the chairs, sunny yellow. I'd never seen such a pretty and homey-looking kitchen.

Why, it was the kind e kitchen I used to dream about when I was a child. Tears stung my eyes as I reached to caress the smooth wood of the cabinets, when once we'd had only one open shelf on which to stack our pitifully few dishes. And nails had supported our few pots and pans. I was sobbing openly now, seeing all the conveniences that Sarah and Granny would have enjoyed, to say nothing of the rest of us. And like the hillbilly kid I used to be, I turned on the hot and cold water spigots and held my hand under . . instant water here in the mountains? I flipped on electric switches. I shook my head. A dream, that was all. Another dream.

Wandering onward, awed, I found a small dinette with a wide bay window that would overlook in daytime a spectacular view of the valley but for the trees. My dream to cut down some of the trees so the city lights of Winnerrow would sparkle the night like fireflies in the summers. I could see nothing but rain on this night.

A small hallway beyond the dinette led to a downstairs bath and an adjoining bedroom that had to be Grandpa's. I saw his "critters" placed neatly on open shelves with mirrors behind them, and small hidden lights dramatized the array of tiny animals and freakish but clever mountain folk.

On Grandpa's big bra.s.s bed (not the old one) was one of Granny's best handmade quilts. There was a night table with a lamp, two lounge chairs, a bureau, a chest. I turned in circles, wandered back to the kitchen, and in the center of the floor I began to really wail.

"Why are you crying?" asked Logan from behind me, his voice soft and strange, "I thought you might like it now. Or have you grown so used to huge mansions that a cozy cabin in the mountains seems too poor?"

"It's pretty, and I do like it," I said, trying to hold back my tears.

"Please stop crying," he said in a hoa.r.s.e voice. "You haven't seen it all. There are rooms upstairs. Save a few tears for those." And catching hold of my elbow, he drew me forward even as I searched in my handbag for tissues. I dabbed at my tears, then blew my nose. "Your grandfather has some trouble with steps . . . not that he can't climb them, he just thinks there shouldn't be any stairs in his home."

Someone had thought of everything. But I was tired, sick feeling, needing to lie down, and I tried to pull away. Logan grew forceful, almost shoving me up the stairs. "Isn't this the kind of cabin you always wished for when you were a kid growing up and feeling cheated of everything nice? Well, here it is, so look! And if it comes too late for you to appreciate all the trouble it took to make it this way, I'm sorry . . . but you look around and you see it and appreciate it now, if you never see it again!"

Two medium-sized bedrooms were up there, and a large double bath.

Logan leaned against the closet door. "From what Tom has written me, your father has put money in this place, too. Perhaps one day your pa is planning on bringing his family here."

Something deep in his voice made me turn to meet his eyes, and this time I really saw him. He wore casual clothes as if he didn't go to church anymore on Sundays. Apparently he hadn't shaved today, and the stubble there made him seem different, older, less handsome and perfect.

"I'm ready to go now." I headed for the stairs. "It's a very nice house, and I'm glad Grandpa has a nice place to stay, with plenty of food in the pantry."

He didn't reply this time, only followed me downstairs where I said goodbye to Grandpa and kissed his gaunt, pale cheek.

"Good night, Grandpa, good night, Granny. I'll be coming back to see you again tomorrow. After I've taken care of a few things."

Grandpa nodded absently as his eyes went stark and his fingers began to work nervously at the fringe of the shawl he'd thrown about his shoulders. Granny's shawl!

"Been good t'see ya, chile Heaven, real good t'see ya."

He wasn't going to plead. "You take care, Grandpa, you hear?" I said in the country way that came readily back. "Is there anything you need, or anything I can bring you from town?"

"Got everythin' now," Grandpa mumbled, looking around with his rheumy eyes. "Lady comes from town an' fixes our meals. Every day she does that. Annie says that's nice of her, but Annie could cook fer us if she could see betta."

I touched the arm of Granny's chair, worn slick and shiny from the clutch of her hands. Leaning, I pretended to kiss her cheek, and that made Grandpa's eyes shine.

On the porch I stumbled twice. The wind and rain seemed an animal, wild to destroy. The cold was so stunning it stole my breath, and the rain blinded me. Logan grabbed quickly to keep me from falling down the stairs.

He shouted something in my ears. The wind howled louder than his voice. On the steps I sagged, my knees giving way. When Logan had me in his arms, carrying me back to the cabin.

Eighteen Deliver unto Me .

TIME PLAYED TRICKS ON ME. I SAW AN OLD WOMAN who reminded me of Granny. She bathed me, and fed me, and all the time she talked about how lucky it was that her home was only a skip and a jump away, now that the bridges were down and a doctor couldn't come from the village. I saw Logan time and time again, when I woke up in the daylight, when I woke up in the darkness, always he was there. In my delirium I saw Troy's face as he repeatedly called my name. "Come back, come back," he kept saying. "Save me, save me, save me."

And the torrential rains kept pouring down, down, making me think even when my eyes were open and I was more or less rational, that I was caught somewhere in purgatory, not heaven, but almost h.e.l.l. Then came that stark day when my mind wasn't smeared with fever, and the room around me came into focus, and I was stunned to be where I was. I lay on a big bed in the upstairs bedroom of that rebuilt mountain shack, weak and wan, realizing I had just pulled through the worst illness of my life. I had been luckier health-wise than Our Jane; seldom had anything forced me to spend even one day in bed.

To lie helpless and too weak even to lift my hand or turn my head was a totally unnerving experience. So unnerving I closed my eyes and fell into sleep again. The next time I awakened in the night, hazily to see Logan hovering above me. He needed a shave; he looked tired and worried, and more than a little hara.s.sed. Later on when the sun was up, I awakened to find him washing my face, and humiliated, I tried to shove his ministering hands away.

"No," I tried to whisper, but I broke out into paroxysms of coughs that stole even my whispers.

"I'm sorry; but Sh.e.l.lie Burl slipped and sprained her ankle and can't come today. You'll have to make do with me," Logan said in a deep, gruff voice, his expression solemn.

Appalled, I could only stare at him. "But I need to go to the bathroom," I whispered, embarra.s.sment flushing my face. "Please get Grandpa so I can lean on him."

"Your grandfather can't climb the stairs without wheezing, and he has all he can do to stay upright himself." And without further ado, Logan tenderly helped me from the bed. My head reeled so I would have fallen without his arms about me, and step by slow step, supporting me as if I were a small child, he a.s.sisted me into the bathroom. I clung to a towel bar until he closed the door, and then I fell upon the commode almost in a dead faint.

I learned all about humility during the next few days when Logan had to a.s.sist me to and from the bathroom. I learned how to swallow my pride and tolerate the way he had to give me a sponge bath as modestly as possible, keeping all but the skin he was cleansing under a flannel sheet. Sometimes 1 childishly whimpered and cried and tried to fight him off again, but the effort of doing that would cause me such fatigue I could only submit. Then I realized the fruitlessness of my resistance. I needed his caring and nursing. And from that time on, I lay without moaning and complaining.

In my fevered delirium I knew I'd called for Troy. I pleaded time and again with Logan to telephone him and explain why I hadn't returned to keep our wedding plans. I'd see Logan nod, hear him say something to a.s.sure me he was trying to contact Troy. But I didn't believe him. I never believed him. When I could find the strength I slapped at his hands when he tried to spoon medicine into my mouth. Twice I crawled out of the bed in frail, failing efforts to telephone Troy myself--only to stand and find myself so weak I crumpled almost immediately to the floor, forcing Logan to spring up from his pallet near the foot of my bed so he could pick me up and carry me back to my bed.

"Why can't you trust me?" he asked when he thought me asleep, his voice tender, his hands gentle as he smoothed back the damp fringe of hair from my forehead. "I saw you with that Cal Dennison and wanted to shove him through the wall. I saw you once with that Troy you keep calling for, and I hated him. I've been a fool, Heaven, a d.a.m.ned fool, and now I've lost you. But why is it you always have to go elsewhere to find what I was so willing to give? You never gave me the chance to be more than a friend.

You held me off, resisted my kisses, and my efforts to be your lover."

My lids parted to see him sitting on the side of my bed, his head bowed wearily. "I know now I was a fool to have been so considerate--for you love me. I know you love me!"

"Troy," I moaned softly, seeing Logan hazily, with Troy standing in the shadows behind him, his face in darkness. "I have to save Troy . . ."

He turned from me then, his head lifting before he murmured, "Go back to sleep and stop fretting over that man. He'll be all right. You've talked a lot about him, and I know this, people in real life don't die from love."

"But . . . but you don't know Troy . . . don't know him . . not as I do."

Logan whipped around, his patience on a leash. "Heaven, please! You can't recover if you don't stop resisting what I try to do for you. I'm not a doctor, but I do know a considerable amount about medications. I am trying to do my best for you. A few weeks ago I brought your grandpa a good supply of cold medicine, never suspecting it would be you who'd be the one most needing. All the roads to town are flooded. It's been raining for five solid days. I can't drive out of the yard because the dirt roads are so rutted and flooded. Three times I've had to dig my car out of mud up to the hubcaps."

I submitted to his ministrations, not knowing what else to do. Nightmarish dreams took me to Troy. He was always riding on a horse away from me, and when I called, he rode even faster. Into the night, into the dark, I chased after him.

Into my hazy vision Grandpa drifted several times, his breath coming in short gasps and wheezes, his wizened old face hovering anxiously over me, his hands reaching to brush back my long damp hair with weak fingers. "Yer lookin peaked, Heaven chile. Real peaked. Annie's gonna fix ya up somethin' healin' . . . her herbal tea. An she's made ya some soup. Ya eat it now . . ."

Finally the day came when my fever stopped. My thoughts cleared. For the first time I fully realized the horror of my situation. I was in the w.i.l.l.i.e.s again, back where the cabin used to stand. Far from Troy who had to be frantic with worry.

I stared weakly at Logan as he took clean sheets from the small linen closet in the dressing area, and striding my way, he smiled. His beard made him seem older, and he looked exceedingly tired.

As a young child I'd often hoped to be sick just to test Pa and find out if he'd care for me as lovingly as once I'd seen him care for f.a.n.n.y. But of course he wouldn't have bothered himself even to hand me a gla.s.s of water.

"Go away!" I sobbed, when Logan handed me another capsule, another gla.s.s of water. "It's embarra.s.sing what you've done!" I cringed from the touch of his hands. "Why didn't you telephone for a nurse after Mrs. Burl hurt her ankle? You had no right to do what you did!"

Like a deaf and mute man he was heedless of what I said. He rolled me over, draped the mattress under me with a flannel sheet before he disappeared to come back with a basin of warm water, and several towels, plus a washcloth and a dish with soap. I clutched the covers, bringing them high under my chin. "No!"

He dipped the washcloth into the water, soaped it, then handed it to me. "Wash your own face then. The phone lines were the first thing to go. That was the evening we arrived. I just heard the weather report on a battery radio. The rain is due to let up tonight. It will take a few days for the roads to drain of water, and by that time you should be well enough to travel."

I seized the washcloth from his hands, then glared at him until he left the room. He slammed the door shut behind him, and with ruthless determination, I scrubbed at my skin. I put on a fresh sleep shirt, one of the many that I had mailed to Grandpa, this time without Logan's help.

On this day I made myself eat when Logan carried in a tray with soup and sandwiches. He would not meet my eyes, nor would I meet his.

"The roads . . . ?" I managed to ask, just as he was carrying the tray out of the door.

"Clearing. The sun is out. The linemen will soon be restoring electricity and telephone service. Once I can bring in a nurse for you, I'll leave. I'm sure that will make you very happy. You'll never have to see me again."

"You're pitying me now, aren't you?" I shouted with what frail strength I had. "You can like me now that I'm sick and needing, but you can't like me at all when I'm not needing. I don't need your kind of compa.s.sion and pity, Logan Stonewall! I'm engaged to one of the most wonderful men in the world.

I'll never be poor again! And I love him, love him so much I'm hurting inside because I'm not with him instead of you!"

There, I'd said it, in the cruelest way possible. He stood, caught in a random beam of weak sunlight, his face gone very pale before he whirled around to stalk out of the door.

I cried when he was gone. Cried for the longest time. Cried for all that used to be, and all the dreams left unfulfilled. But it was all right. I had Troy. He didn't pity me. He loved me, needed me, would die without me.

That afternoon I forced myself to walk to the bathroom alone. I took a bath in the tub. I shampooed my hair. In a day or two I'd leave this place and never return.

My strength took longer to return than I'd expected. Just as it took the roads longer to clear of flood water than Logan predicted, and he didn't leave the minute the mud began to dry. He patiently waited downstairs, until one day the mailman appeared and told him that all the roads down to Winnerrow were pa.s.sable now, if he didn't mind digging in the mud now and then. Around four that day, while Logan sprawled on the living room sofa and dozed, I was able to negotiate the stairs alone, and in the kitchen I helped prepare a simple meal. Grandpa seemed very contented. Logan said nothing at all when I called him to the kitchen table, though I felt his eyes following my every movement.

I was still weak, pale, and trembling when Logan let me out in front of Winnerrow's only hotel, and in another rented room I changed into fresh clothes before I made my long-distance call to Troy. Troy didn't answer the telephone in his cottage. I grew nervous and faint waiting for him to respond. I hung up and dialed another number. This time one of the servants at Farthinggale Manor answered.