What a disaster this was! The essay had not been intended for the general public and especially not for his father. "It's a long article, Papa. Didn't you read it, sir? I explain a scientific theory in it ."

His father stared at him with an impatient, glinting look. "Is this what they claim is science nowadays?" al-Sayyid Ahmad asked himself. "G.o.d's curse on science and scientists."

"What do you say about this theory? I noticed some strange phrases that seem to imply that man is descended from animals, or something along those lines. Is this true?"

Kamal had recently struggled violently with his soul, his beliefs, and his Lord, exhausting his spirit and body. Today he had to contend with his father. In the first battle he had felt tortured and feverish, but this time he was even more frightened and alarmed. G.o.d might delay punishment, but his father's practice was to mete out retribution immediately.

"That's what the theory states."

Al-Sayyid Ahmad's voice rose as he asked in dismay, "And Adam, the father of mankind, whom G.o.d created from clay, blowing His spirit into him what does this scientific theory say about him?"

Kamal had repeatedly asked himself this same question, finding it just as dismaying as his father did. The night he had worried about it, he had not been able to get any sleep. He had thrashed about in bed wondering about Adam, the Creator, and the Qur'an. If he had said it once he had said ten times: "Either the Qur'an is totally true, or it's not the Qur'an". Now he thought, "You're attacking me because you don't know how I've suffered. If I hadn't already grown accustomed to torture, I would have died that night."

In a faint voice he replied, "Darwin, the author of this theory, did not mention our master Adam ."

The man yelled angrily, "Then Darwin's certainly an atheist trapped by Satan's snares. If man's origin was an ape or any other animal, Adam was not the father of mankind. This is nothing but blatant atheism. It's an outrageous attack on the exalted status of G.o.d. I know Coptic Christians and Jews in the Goldsmiths Bazaar. They believe in Adam. All religions believe in Adam. What sect does this Darwin belong to? He's an atheist, his words are blasphemous, and reporting his theory's a reckless act. Tell me: Ishe one of your professors at the college?"

"How ridiculous this comment would seem if my heart were free to laugh," Kamal mused. "But it's crammed with the pains of disappointed love, doubt, and dying belief. The dreadful encounter of religion and science has scorched you. But how can an intelligent person set his mind against science?"

In a humble voice, Kamal said, "Darwin was an English scientist who lived a long time ago."

At this point, the mother's voice piped up shakily: "G.o.d's curse on all the English."

They turned to look at her briefly and found that she had put down her needle and the clothes in order to follow their conversation. They soon forgot her, and the father said, "Tell me: Do you study this theory in school?"

Kaiml grabbed for this safety rope suddenly thrown to him. Hiding behind a lie, he said, "Yes."

"That's strange! Will you eventually teach this theory to your pupils?"

"Certainly not! I'll teach literature, and there's no connection between that and scientific theories."

Al-Sayyid Ahmad struck his hands together. At that moment he wished he had as much control over science as he did over his family. He yelled furiously, "Then why do they teach it to you? Is the goal to turn you into atheists?"

Kamd protested, "G.o.d forbid that it should have any influence on our religious beliefs."

His father studied him suspiciously and said, "But your essay spreads atheism."

Kama! replied gingerly, "I ask G.o.d's forgiveness. I'm explaining the theory so the reader will be familiar with it, not so he'll believe it. It's out of the question that an atheistic notion should influence the heart of a Believer."

"Couldn't you find some other subject besides this criminal theory to write about?"

Why had he written this article? He had hesitated a long time before sending it to the journal. He must have wanted to announce the demise of his religious beliefs. His faith had held firm over the past two years even when buffeted by gales coming from two of the great poets and skeptics of Islam: Abu al-Ala al-Ma'arri and Umar al-Khayyam. But then science's iron fist had destroyed it once and for all.

"At least I'm not an atheist," Kamal told himself. "I still believe in G.o.d. But religion?

Where's religion?

It's gone! I lost it, just as I lost the head of the holy martyr al-Husayn when I was told it's not in his tomb in Cairo and I've lost A'ida and my self-confidence too."

Then in a sorrowful voice he said, "Maybe I made a mistake. My excuse is that I was studying the theory."

"That's no excuse. You must correct your error."

What a good man his father was wanting to get Kamal to attack science in order to defend a legend. He really had suffered a lot, but he would not open hisheart again to legends and superst.i.tions now that he had cleansed it of them.

"I've experienced enough torment and deception," Kamal reflected. "From now on I won't be taken in by fantasies. Light's light. Our father Adam! He wasn't my father. Let my father be an ape, if that's what truth wants. It's better than being one of countless descendants of Adam. If I really were descended from a prophet like Adam, reality wouldn't have made such a fool of me."

"How can I correct my error?"

Al-Sayyid Ahmad said with equal measures of simplicity and sharpness, "You can rely on a fact that's beyond doubt: G.o.d created Adam from dust, and Adam's the father of mankind. This fact is mentioned in the Qur'an. Just explain the erroneous aspects of the theory. That'll be easy for you. If it isn't, what's the use of your education?"

Here the mother's voice said, "What could be easier than showing the error of someone who contradicts the word of G.o.d the Merciful? Tell this English atheist that Adam was the father of mankind. Your grandfather was blessed by knowing the Book of G.o.d by heart. It's up to you to follow his example. I'm delighted that you wish to be a scholar like him."

Al-Sayyid Ahmad's displeasure was apparent in his expression. He scolded her, "What do you understand about the Book of G.o.d or scholarship? Spare us his grandfather and pay attention to what you're doing."

She said shyly, "Sir, I want him to be a scholar like his grandfather, illuminating the world with G.o.d's light."

Her husband shouted angrily, "And here he's begun to spread darkness."

The woman replied apprehensively, "G.o.d forbid, sir. Perhaps you didn't understand."

Al-Sayyid Ahmad glared at her harshly. He had relaxed his grip on them, and what had been the result? Here was Kamal disseminating the theory that man's origin was an ape. Amina was arguing with him and suggesting he did not understand. He yelled at his wife, "Let me speak! Don't interrupt me. Don't interfere in things you can't comprehend. Pay attention to your work. May G.o.d strike you down."

Turning to Kamal with a frowning face, he said, "Tell me: Will you do what I said?"

"You're living with a censor who's more relentless than any afflicting free thought elsewhere in the world," Kamal told himself "But you love him as much as you fear him. Your heart will never allow you to harm him. Swallow the pain, for you've chosen a life of disputation."

"How can I answer this theory? If I limit my debate to citing Qur'an references, I won't be adding anything new. Everyone knows them as well as I do and believes them. To discuss it scientifically is a matter for specialists in that area."

"So why did you write about something outside your area?"

Taken at face value, this objection was valid. Unfortunately Kamal lacked the courage to tell his father that he believed in the theory as scientific truth and for this reason had felt he could rely on it to create a general philosophy for existence reaching far beyond science. Al-Sayyid Ahmad considered his silence an admission of error and so felt even more resentful and sad. To be misled on a topic like this was an extremely grave matter with serious consequences, but it was a field where al-Sayyid Ahmad co aid exercise no authority. He felt that his hands were as tied with this young freethinker as they had been previously with Yasin when he had escaped from paternal custody. Washe to share the experience of other fathers in these strange times? He had heard incredible things about the younger generation. Some schoolboys were smoking. Others openly questioned their teachers' integrity. Still others had rebelled against their fathers. His own prestige had not been diminished, but what had his long history of resolute and stern guidance achieved? Yasin was stumbling and practically doomed. Here was Kamal arguing, debating, and attempting to slip from his grasp.

"Listen carefully to me. I don't want to be harsh with you, for you're polite and obedient. On this subject, I can only offer you my advice. You should remember that no one who has neglected my advice has prospered". Then after a brief silence he continued: "Yasin's an example for you of what I'm saying, and I once advised your late brother not to throw himself to destruction. Had he lived, he would be a distinguished man today."

At this point the mother said in a voice like a moan, "The English killed him. When they're not killing people, they're spreading atheism."

Al-Sayyid Ahmad went on with his remarks: "If you find things in your lessons that contradict religion and are forced to memorize them to succeed in the examination, don't believe them. And it's equally important not to publish them in the papers. Otherwise you'll bear the responsibility. Let your stance with regard to English science be the same as yours toward their occupation of Egypt. Do not admit the legality of either, even when imposed on us by force."

The shy, gentle voice interposed once more: "From now on, dedicate your life to exposing the lies of this science and spreading the light of G.o.d."

Al-Sayyid Ahmad shouted at her, "I've said enough without any need for your views."

She returned to her work, while her husband stared at her in a threatening way until sure she would be quiet. Then he looked at Kamal and asked, "Understand?"

"Most certainly," Kamal answered in a voice that inspired confidence.

From that time on, if he wanted to write he would have to publish in al-Siyasa. Because of its political affiliation it would never fall into the hands of a Wafdist. And he secretly promised his mother he would consecrate his life to spreading G.o.d's light. Were not light and truth identical? Certainly! By freeing himself from religion he would be nearer to G.o.d than he was when he believed. For what was true religion except science? It was the key to the secrets of existence and to everything really exalted. If the prophets were sent back today, they would surely choose science as their divine message. Thus Kamal would awake from the dream of legends to confront the naked truth, leaving behind him this storm in which ignorance had fought to the death. It would be a dividing point between his past, dominated by legend, and his future, dedicated to light. In this manner the paths leading to G.o.d would open before him paths of learning, benevolence, and beauty. He would say goodbye to the past with its deceitful dreams, false hopes, and profound pains.

105.

HE CAREFULLY considered everything his eyes could soak up as he approached the Shaddad mansion. Once inside its groundshe redoubled the attention with which he scrutinized his surroundings. He understood that this visit would be his last chance to enjoy the house, its inhabitants, and the memories it held for him. What else could he think, since Husayn had finally won his father's approval to travel to France? With keen eyes and emotionshe observed the side path leading to the garden and the window overlooking the path. He could almost see her elegant and graceful figure casting him a beautiful look, one as meaningless as the twinkling of a star. It was a tender greeting addressed to no one in particular like the song of a bulbul so enthralled by its own happiness that it is oblivious to its audience. Next came the magnificent view of the garden, which stretched from the back of the tiouse to the long wall bordering the desert. Scattered through it were trellises of jasmine, clumps of palms, and rosebushes. Finally there was the gazebo, where he had experienced the twin intoxications of love and friendship. He recalled the English proverb "Don't put all your eggs in one basket," and smiled sadly. Although he had memorized it long before, he had found ii: unconvincing then. Whether through carelessness, stupidity, or predestined decree, he had invested his whole heart in this one house, partly in love and partly in friendship. He had lost his love, and now his friend was packing for a trip abroad. In the future be would find himself without a lover or a friend.

Whai: could console him for the loss of this view, which was imprinted in his breast and attached to hisheart? It had become familiar and sympathetic, as a whole and in its individual parts the mansion, the garden, and the desert. The names A'ida and Husayn Shaddad had been etched in his memory in similar fashion. How could he be deprived of this sight or content himself with glimpsing it from afar, like any other pa.s.serby? He was so infatuated with the house that once he had jokingly accused himself of idolatry.

Husayn Shaddad and Isma'il Latif were sitting opposite each other at the table, on which was placed the customary water pitcher with three gla.s.ses. As usual in summer, each wore a shirt with an open collar and white pants. They looked up at him with their contrasting faces. Husayn's was handsome and radiant. Isma'il's had sharp features and penetrating eyes. Kamal approached them in his white suit, holding his fez as the ta.s.sel swung to and fro. They shook hands, and he sat down with his back to the house a house that had previously turned its back on him.

Laughing naughtily, Isma'il immediately told Kamal, "It's up to us to find a new place to meet from now on."

Kamal smiled wanly. How happy Isma'il was with his sarcasm, which had never been racked by pain. He and Fuad al-Hamzawi were all Kamal had left. They were friends who would keep hisheart company but never blend with it. He would rush to them to escape his loneliness. His only choice was to accept his destiny with good grace.

"We'll have to meet in the coffeehouses or streets, since Husayn's decided to leave us."

Husayn shook hishead with the sorrow of a person who has won a coveted objective and is trying to humor friends by appearing sad about a separation that means little to him. He said, "I'll leave Egypt with regret in my heart over my separation from you. Friendship's a sacred emotion I cherish with all my heart. A friend's a partner who's a reflection of yourself. He echoes your sentiments and thoughts. It doesn't matter if we differ in many respects so long as our essential characteristics are the same. I'll never forget this friendship, and we'll keep writing each other until we meet again."

A pretty speech was the only consolation offered a wounded heart that was being forsaken as if Kamal had not suffered enough at the hands of Husayn's sister. "Is this how you abandon me, leaving me without any real friends?" Kamal wondered. "Tomorrow the forsaken friend will be slain by a mocking thirst for spiritual companionship."

He asked dejectedly, "When will we meet again? I haven't forgotten your keen desire to be a perpetual tourist. Who will guarantee your departure won't be permanent?"

Isma'il agreed. "My heart tells me the sparrow won't fly back into the cage."

Husayn laughed briefly but in a way that revealed his delight. He answered, "I wasn't able to win my father's consent to travel until I promised to continue my legal studies. But I don't know how long I'll be able to keep that promise. There's no great affection between me and the law. Besides, I imagine I won't have much patience with systematic instruction. I only want things I love. My heart's torn between various different forms of knowledge. No one college deals with all of them, as I've told you time and again. I wish to attend lectures on philosophy of art as well as others on poetry and fiction. I want to tour the museums and recital halls, fall in love, and have a good time. What college or faculty offers all these opportunities? Then there's another fact you both know. It's that I'd rather hear than read. I want someone else to do the explaining while I listen. Then I'll dash off my senses at their most perceptive and my mind alert - to mountainsides, seash.o.r.es, bars, cafes, and dance halls. You'll be receiving a series of reports from me on all these unique experiences."

Husayn seemed to be describing the paradise Kamal had ceased believing in. But Husayn's was a negative paradise, full of taking without any giving. Kamal had aspired to a more positive one. Once this rosy life embraced Husayn to her comely bosom, it was absurd to think he would ever long for his old home.

Isma'il expressed some of Kamal's concerns when he told Husayn, "You won't return. Farewell, Husayn! We have approximately the same dream. Leaving aside the philosophy of art, museums, poetry, mountain slopes, and so forth, we could be a single person. I remind you one final time that you'll never return to us."

Kamal cast Husayn a questioning glance, as if to see what he thought about Isma'il's words.

Their friend said, "No, I'll return frequently. Egypt will be on my extensive itinerary so I can see my family and friends". Then he told Kamal, "I'll be waiting for you to visit Europe with such anxious antic.i.p.ation that I can almost feel it already."

Who could say? Perhaps Kamal's lie would turn out to be the truth. Alaybe he would traverse those distant realms. No matter what happened, hisheart told him that Husayn would return one day and that this profound friendship would not end. Hisheart sincerely believed this, just as it had believed love could not be plucked from the heart, roots and all alas.

He entreated his friend, "Travel and do whatever you want, but come back to Egypt to reside here. Then you can leave for trips when you feel like it."

Isma'il added his support to this idea: "If you're really a decent fellow, you'll accept this obvious solution, which reconciles your wishes with ours."

Bowing hishead as if convinced, Husayn said, "My travels will eventually lead me to this solution, I believe."

As Kamal listened to Husayn, he gazed at his friend, especially at the black eyes that resembled Aida's and the gestures, which were both grand and gracious. Husayn's diaphanous spirit was almost a visible and tangible presence for Karnal. If this dear friend disappeared, what would remain of the blessing of friendship and the memory of love that friendship through which Kamal had learned Platonic affection and relaxed happiness and the love that had inspired in him feelings of heavenly joy and h.e.l.lish torment?

Referring to each of them in turn, Husayn continued: "When I return to Egypt you'll be an accountant in the Ministry of Finance and you'll be a teacher. It's quite possible I'll find you're fathers. What an amazing idea!"

Isma'il asked laughingly, "Can you imagine us as government employees? Try to picture Kamal as a teacher!" Then he told Kamal, "You'll have to put on a lot of weight before you stand in front of your pupils. You'll find the next generation's a bunch of demons. Compared with them we were angels. Although a dedicated supporter of the Wafd Party, you'll find yourself forced by the government to punish students who strike in support of the Wafd."

Isma'il's observation forced Kamal away from the train of thought absorbing him. He found himself wondering how he could face pupils with his notorioushead and nose. He felt resentful and bitter, imagining on the basis of the behavior of odd-looking teachershe had known - that he would treat his pupils harshly in order to protect himself from their mischief. But he also wondered whether he would be able to be as strict with others as he was with himself.

He ventured, "I don't think I'll always be a teacher."

There was a dreamy look in Husayn's eyes as he said, "You'll go from teaching into journalism, I suspect. Isn't that so?"

Kamal found himself thinking about the future. He thought again of the all-inclusive book he had often dreamt of writing. But what was left of the original subject matter? He no longer considered the prophets to have been prophets. Heaven and h.e.l.l did not exis:. The study of man was merely a branch of animal science. He would have to search for a new topic. Speaking impulsively again, he said, "If I could, I'd start a magazine someday to promote modern thought."

Isma'il admonished him, "No, politics is what sells publications, [f you want, you can devote a column on the back page to thought. There's room in this country for a new Wafdist satirical writer."

Husayn laughed out loud and said, "Our friend doesn't seem to be very positive about politics. His family's already made a big enough sacrifice for the nation. But thought's a wide-open field for him". Then he told Kamal, "What you mentioned is certainly possible for you___Your rebellion against religion was a sudden leap I didn't expect."

This observation cheered Kamal, for it sanctioned his rebellion and his pride. Blushing, he said, "How beautiful it would be if man could devote his life to truth, goodness, and beauty."

Isma'il whistled three times, once for each of these qualities. Then he said sarcastically, "Listen and take note!"

But Husayn said seriously, "I'm like you, but I'm satisfied with knowledge and enjoyment."

Enthusiastically and sincerely Kamal replied, "The matter's more exalted than that. It's a struggle toward truth aiming at the good of mankind as a whole. In my opinion, life would be meaningless without that."

Isma'il struck his hands together in a way that reminded Kamal of his father and said, "Then life necessarily has no meaning. How you've worn yourself out and suffered to free yourself from religion . I haven't tired myself like that, because religion never interested me. Do you suppose I'm a born philosopher? [t's enough for me to live a life that doesn't need to be explained, ['m instinctively drawn to what you achieve only after a bitter struggle. G.o.d forgive me, you haven't achieved it yet, for you still even after renouncing religion - believe in truth, goodness, and beauty. You wish to dedicate your life to them. Isn't this what religion requests? How can you claim to reject a principle when you believe in everything derived from it?"

"Pay no attention to this gentle mockery," Kamal advised himself. But why should the valueshe believed in always seem to be the object of ridicule? "Suppose you had to choose between Ai'da and a righteous life. Which would you choose?

But when I think of her, A'ida's always identified with what's most exemplary."

Feeling the silence had lasted too long, Husayn answered for Kamal: "The Believer derives his love for these values from religion, while the free man loves them for themselves."

"O Lord, when will I see you again?" Kamal asked himself.

Isma'il laughed in a manner that revealed his thoughts were shifting to a new direction. He asked Kamal, "Tell me: Don't you still pray? Do you intend to fast as usual during Ramadan?"

"My invocations for her were the most enjoyable parts of my prayers," Kamal mused. "My evenings in this mansion were the happiest moments of Ramadan for me."

"I no longer pray. I won't fast."

"Will you tell people you're not?"

Laughing, Kamal said, "No."

"You prefer to be a hypocrite?"

He answered resentfully, "There's no need to hurt people I love."

Isma'il asked sarcastically, "If you're this softhearted, how do you think you'll ever be able to confront society with unpopular views?"