"Don't worry about it."

She pressed the power button on the monitor to turn it off and sighed. "Like my fancy radio system?"

"That's pretty high tech."

"Tony figured out that I always have it with me. Now he uses it to track me down."

"Tony?"

"He's my maintenance guy ... er, kid. He comes over after school to fix, or break, stuff for me."

The picture of her life was starting to come into focus. "Where are Nick's parents? Don't they run this place?" Grace finished her cereal and started to rub at her ear again. Carrie pressed her cheek to the baby's forehead, "Yeah, you're still a little hot. Let's get you some pink stuff." She gave Grace a dose of liquid pain reliever and avoided answering Ben's question. He noticed.

They hardly got a chance to say ten words to each other in the next two hours. The kids needed to be changed and watched, there was a constant stream of people at the door, asking questions, and a guest arrived to check in. Ben followed her around and tried to help as much as he could, but there was little he could do. He felt useless and frustrated.

She was warming up some food for the babies in the microwave while they watched TV when he finally cornered her.

"So, where are Nick's parents? I'd like to meet them." He was trying a round-about approach to get some answers. She had her back to him when she answered, "On vacation." She placed the bowls of food and sippy cups on the table and announced dinner. Gracie was asleep on the couch, but little Ben came over and climbed in his own highchair so Carrie could push him close to the table. "His mom has pretty severe depression. They thought the trip might be good for her."

Ben tried to hide his anger, but he didn't do a very good job. "And they left you here to run their place, alone?" Carrie sighed and walked past him to the refrigerator, "It's not their place, it's mine." She looked up at her son, "and theirs."

She opened the refrigerator and bent to look for something inside while she let Ben process that information. When she placed the package of sliced ham on the counter, she added, "They gave it to Nick and me as a wedding gift." She grabbed a loaf of bread from a drawer. "Would you like a ham sandwich? It doesn't look like I've got a whole lot else that you might want to eat."

Ben rubbed his forehead and ran his hand through his hair. He stood up and started to pace, then he noticed Carrie opening the bread bag. "Let me do that. You sit down." She moved away from the bread, but she didn't sit down. Instead she started putting things away, toys, cereal boxes, etc. Ben made a ham sandwich. "Here," he still couldn't get the anger out of his voice.

She turned and looked at him, "What?" Carrie could feel his judgment coming off of him in waves. "Say it."

He shook his head. She was about to start yelling at him, but she looked at her son and brought her volume down, but not her anger. "Don't you dare show up here and judge my life. If you don't like what you see then leave." She turned and walked toward the living room, "I didn't invite you here in the first place."

He took a deep breath and made himself a sandwich, which he left on the counter when he followed her into the living room. "I'm sorry. It's just ... fuck, how long have they been gone?"

Her reply was clipped, "About a month."

He shook his head again, "When are they coming back?" "What the hell does it matter to you?" She was seething mad, so she opened the sliding glass door and stepped out into the cool air of the early fall night. Ben followed her.

"It's killing me to see you like this."

"Like what, Ben?" She glared at him, daring him to say she looked like crap.

"Overworked, without any help." Carrie looked out over the lake and wrapped her arms around herself. "Yeah, well," her voice was quieter now, "thanks. I'll do something about it tomorrow."

He looked past her sarcasm because he recognized it as her wall. She was protecting herself and probably damn smart to do so. She was right. He had no right to drop into her life and point out everything that was wrong, then leave again. "I have another two weeks of leave. Would you please let me help, do what I can?"

She softened and gave him a small smile, "No. I won't let you spend your leave working around here. You should go, travel, visit some friends."

He chuckled, "I've been traveling for years, and you're the only friend I want to see. I'm asking nicely. Please let me help out, just for the time I'm here."

She shook her head. "You're a masochist. You know that, right?"

He laughed and nodded. That left the uncomfortable question of where he would sleep. He wanted nothing more than to touch her and hold her, but they were far from that intimacy right now. "Is there an empty cabin I could use? Maybe number 12? I don't need a ceiling fan."

Carrie smirked at his humor. It crossed her mind briefly that he wasn't trying to sleep with her, then she took another look at him and remembered what she looked like the last time she passed a mirror, and that she hadn't showered in at least 3 or 4 days.

Little Ben yelled from the kitchen. Ben had no idea what he said, but Carrie seemed to know. She went inside to get him down from his high chair, then cleaned up the mess on the table and floor from his dinner. She had just finished when Grace woke and started crying, rubbing her ear again. Carrie fed her, gave her more medicine and rocked her to sleep. Her ham sandwich was still untouched, sitting on the table where Ben had left it, when she fell asleep on the couch.

Chapter 34.

For Ben's two-week, Callahan's Fish Camp mission, he decided that taking care of Carrie was priority number one. She needed to rest, and eat, while he was there so she would be stronger by the time he left.

After a few days of constantly being around them, the twins let Ben hold them and feed them. He figured out that they had a rotating menu of five or six items that he could give them anytime, and they would be happy. He also found the kiddie channel and figured out their nap schedule. With that intel he was able to give Carrie time to sleep, grocery shop, and take showers (that one was really for both of them.) Within a week she was already looking healthier.

He also spent time following Tony around, helping him, and asking him questions. The picture he was putting together was not pretty, at all. The entire place had been patched and jerry-rigged since the day it was built. From talking to Tony, and Margaret, the maid, and the people in town he met when he went shopping for supplies, the Callahan's were fun, party people, but they never took great care of the place.

Ben was making his own red book on each cabin and building. He wasn't sure why. The list of repairs needed on each was so long, he and Tony, and the entire 201st Battalion together couldn't get it all done in two weeks. A year, maybe.

Once Carrie was feeling better, he invited her and her baby monitor to come have a beer with him on the deck of his cabin one night. They were back to being friends again, but he was interested in more. He didn't want to push her, especially if she was still grieving Nick.

He told Carrie about Theresa and how they ended badly right after 9/11, hoping it would open the door for her to talk about Nick.He also wanted to share that part of his life with

her, and he hadn't felt like he should bring it up in a letter.

When he asked her about Nick, Carrie looked out over the lake, "It's like he's still here."

Ben followed her gaze and took a swig of beer and nodded, "I bet." "It doesn't feel like my resort. Don't know if it ever will. It's their resort or his resort. It's my kids' resort. I'm just taking care of it for them."

That made Ben cringe. Did she know it was in such bad shape? He needed to talk to her about it, but now was not the time. He wanted to focus on Nick.

"Do you still love him?" Ah, Ben. Always direct . Carrie shook her head and drank some beer as she thought about how to answer. "I ..." she stopped. "We were in a really bad place when he died." She picked at the label on her beer bottle, lost in her memory. "Both of us were completely overwhelmed. We went from this young couple to married parents, who owned a business, in like two months. Then the twins were born and ..." She shook her head, like she didn't want to say it, "It's not like it was their fault, but they were more overwhelming. We hardly ever talked, and when we did we usually yelled at each other. He left ... we had a huge fight, the day of their 1st birthday. He was on his way back here, he wanted to talk, for us to make up and try to be better ..." She looked at Ben, stressing her point, "We're stuck in that limbo. We never made up, never finished our fight so we could make up." She rearranged herself in her chair. "So, short answer long, I can't say I love him. It all feels incomplete, like I never really got to know him."

That gave them both a lot to think about, so they sat and listened to the sounds of the night for a while. Ben broke the silence, "The entire time I was in Afghanistan, I didn't mind being there. In fact, I felt like I was doing a good job, making a difference. I missed home, but I wanted to be there, everyday ... except one. The day I got the letter from my mom letting me know about Nick. That was the only day I hated being there. I wanted to be here, for you, more than anything in the world. That was the day I understood AWOL." He turned toward her. "I still felt connected to you. It was like I could feel how much you needed me, from thousands of miles away." He shook his head in frustration, wondering if he was making any sense.

"Look, I know I'm more than a few days late, but will

you let me hold you, now?" His eyes were pleading. He reached one hand out to her, taking a huge chance that she would keep her wall up and say no.

But she didn't say no. She got up and moved over to his lap. Her voice shook a little with emotion, "You are, without a doubt, the biggest masochist. Do you also throw yourself on hand grenades for fun?"

She was making jokes, keeping it light to bury her emotions, but she was close to him, it was progress. She let him hold her close for a few minutes, but she wouldn't or couldn't relax. She sat up straight and took another swig of beer.

"You do realize how ridiculous we look together now?" She said, leaning away and looking at him.

"We do? Why?" Carrie giggled, "Um, well, let's see ... here," she gestured to Ben, "We have the blonde Adonis, with a bod full of tan muscles and an amazing brain to match. And here," she pointed to herself with her beer bottle, "We have Mommy, with her double-wide stroller, food hanging in her hair, large diaper bag and, oh, post baby pooch." She pushed in on the small soft spot between her hips.

"Wrong." She raised her eyebrows, challenging him, "Right." He could have pointed to himself with his beer bottle hand, but he used his left so she would be pushed up against him. "Here, is a soldier, who, like thousands of other soldiers, is supposed to work out as part of his job, and is given time, lots of time, to do that. Here is a guy who still has cowlicks in his hair that make him look like a grown up Dennis the Menace, and who, without you, is about as much fun to be around as watching grass grow."

She laughed. Ben unconsciously pulled her close and kissed her hair. "Now here, here we have ..." he leaned her back and looked at her, "Here we have the girl I love, and have since she introduced me to kissing. And I, who am always right, know is beautiful, even if she can't seem to see it. As for your pooch," he put his hand over her belly, and she recoiled, "All I can tell you is that it's soft, and female. For more than a year, almost all I've seen is hard, sweaty, smelly-ass men. Every soft curve on your body looks great to me."

Carrie smirked, but settled into him more. Ben's voice got quieter, "Here is a woman who I thought was brave for letting me love her before I left for basic, but now I see she is one of the bravest, strongest people I've ever met. And remember where I work." He played with her hair as her head rested against his shoulder. "Those babies make you even more beautiful, the way you care for them. It's like love just pours out of you ... for them, for Nick's parents ... for this place."

He wanted to add, 'for me', because he was dying to have her love him again, with her heart and her body. But that was too much to ask for right now.

His hand drifted from her belly to her ribs, coming very close to the underside of her breast. She shifted around like she was getting uncomfortable on his lap. He questioned her with his eyes.

"Ben, I ... haven't had sex, hell, except for the babies, I haven't been touched in," she looked up at the sky to calculate, "Over two years. I can't sit here with you, like this, and not ..." He could see it in her eyes, she was feeling a lot of things, but the main one was horny.