She threw blankets over everyone, Steve last. She watched him sleep for a minute, then reached out and gently twirled one of the waves in his hair around her finger. She missed him. They had been friends since freshman year when he made her laugh in English class. They lost their virginity to each other as sophomores, both reasoning it would be easier with a friend, someone you knew and trusted. No regrets there. Their first time was a laughable disaster, but they'd gotten better ever since. It was their game to see who could out thrill the other. There had been other guys, but no one as funny, or cool, or talented. Yeah, she loved him, just not enough to give up her future and stay here.

She knew it was wrong, but she couldn't resist. She slid between him and the back of the couch and lay down with her head pressed against his back. Cologne, he put on cologne for the big night. God damn he's cute. She wrapped her arm around his middle and soaked in the feel and smell of him as she fell asleep.

Joelle didn't say a word to Ben 'til they had dropped both Wayne and Laura off at their houses. On the ride to her house his brain went into automatic mode, formulating a counter attack to whatever argument she would have. But in the middle of his planned excuses and reasoning, he remembered that this was what he wanted, or needed. Maybe she would even break up with him. He switched gears and got ready to be in the wrong, the bad guy. It went completely against his grain, but he could do this if it meant he wouldn't have to break up with her and could have Carrie.

"You've changed, Ben." They were parked in her driveway, near the door, where anyone inside could see them. He looked straight ahead, waiting to take her anger or worse, hurt.

"Have you had sex with her?"

Well, that one caught him off guard. "You just told half the school that she's gay, now you ask if I've slept with her?"

"Well she looked gay, at least she did tonight. But I know what she and her friends are like."

"You do? You know them? You've talked to them?"

"Ben, I'm serious. This is serious. If you've sinned, you can be forgiven." Now he was really confused. Forgiven by her or God? Not that it mattered, because he didn't need to be forgiven by either. "I haven't slept with her. Like I said before she is a friend, a good friend."

"Did you sin in your heart? Is being around her causing lustful thoughts? I'm worried about you, Ben. You need to avoid her."

"Joelle, if I avoided girls who gave me lustful thoughts, I would have to avoid you." Her reaction was hard to read because there were so many emotions at once; shock, disgust, then interest. She was such a contradiction. "What? You ... lust me?"

"Yes, I have. But I didn't sin, because I didn't do anything about it, with you, or with any girl." "My mom told me that men have problems with lust; that they have more of the devil in them, and they have to fight harder to rid their thoughts of him. Come back to church with me, come to bible study with me. We can fight this together 'til we can get married."

That last word was the one he needed to remind him why he had to end things with Joelle. He wanted to be with Carrie, but he also didn't want to be married anytime soon. "Joelle, I'm just ... I'm not the guy for you."

"Yes you are," she countered quickly. "God sent you to me to be saved by His love ..." she hesitated, then said softly, "And mine."

This was not going where he needed it to go. He didn't want her telling him she loved him. Not now. She wasn't going to break up with him. He was going to have to be the bad guy.

He sucked in a deep breath and tried to be as kind as possible, because, although he didn't want to keep dating her, he didn't hate her or want to hurt her. "When I met you, all I saw was a really pretty, sweet girl who I wanted to spend time with, and, I couldn't believe you wanted to spend time with me. I knew you were religious, but I didn't realize how important that was to you. Now I know you better, and I know that I am not the guy for you. I'm Catholic, and I'm always going to be Catholic. Even if I don't go to church much, it matters to me."

Joelle opened her mouth to counter him. He held his hand up to stop her. "Just like your church is important to you; my army career is important to me. I have wanted to do this since I was a kid. I have years of training ahead of me when I get out of school."

"You can be married and in the army."

"But I don't want to be. I don't know when I will want to get married, but I know for sure it isn't when I'm 18."

"So we can wait till we are 19 or 20." Ben let his head fall back against the headrest. He closed his eyes and blew out another calming breath. She was so determined, so sure she was in the right. But he also just had a vision of four more years of frustrating make-out sessions followed by a commitment he wasn't ready to make. That drove his resolve to get her to understand.

"Joelle, please, find someone who is right for you. It's not me."

She held up her promise ring, "But it was you. What happened?"

The ring, he looked at it on her finger. Dumbest move he ever made. "It started with that ring, I guess," he looked over at the little sapphire and shook his head. "I shouldn't have given it to you. I just wanted to buy you a gift you would like and, Suzanne had one, and I really didn't think about what I was promising. I mean, we're in high school, marriage is the last thing on my mind." He shifted so he could look at her. She looked so lost and sad, which crushed him. He steeled his resolve. He could man up and do this. "I'm sorry, Joelle. I'm not converting and we're not getting married, so ... you need to go find the guy who also wants those things."

He knew she got the message because he could see her resolve die, then the tears started. It hurt to watch her cry, especially when he knew he was the one that caused it. Ben had no idea what to do. His instinct was to hold her, but that would probably give her the wrong idea. So he just sat and watched her and listened. He took his punishment and waited.

When she calmed down enough to talk she started to pull at the promise ring, working to get it off her finger.

"Don't. Keep it."

"But we're not promised anymore." "You don't want to keep it because it's a sapphire? You like sapphires." After he said it, he realized that this was one area where logic didn't count. The ring signified him, and she was ready to get rid of him.

He held out his hand, and she put the ring in his palm.

"I'm sorry." She nodded but didn't talk, just stared straight ahead. Ben took this as his cue to walk her to her door. When they got there he was at a complete loss for what to do. This was where he had always kissed her, and they had talked about the next time they would see each other.

Before she opened her front door Joelle asked, "Are you going to go out with her?"

Ben was as honest as he could be without hurting her. "I ... I care about her, a lot." She nodded like she understood. Her suspicions were confirmed, and she knew she had been right. That was all she needed to end it. She went inside.

Ben felt horrible on the ride home. He had broken up with Joelle, which he wanted to do, he reminded himself. Now he wasn't on a fast train to marriage and a lifetime of tension between his wife and his Catholic family. And he was free to spend time with Carrie ... who was exactly who he wanted to see right now. Sure he wanted to kiss her and touch her, but he also wanted to talk to her. He wanted to tell her all the stuff he was feeling right now because she would understand, and she would keep all his secrets, and she would make him laugh and feel better.

Her window was dark, and it was almost 1 a.m. She must be sleeping. He tossed a few rocks at the window, but she didn't wake up.

He was too keyed up to go to sleep. He needed to run. He could be alone and burn off this energy and the chill night air would feel great. For once, he didn't hang up his dress uniform. It bothered him, but the need to run was stronger. Maybe Joelle was right, he had changed. He was an emotional mess right now, something he had not been in a long time.

As he ran through his neighborhood, then two others, then around the park and back, he thought about Joelle a little, but Carrie more. She did make him more emotional. He felt more for her than he ever did for Joelle. He felt so protective of her. She had a soft side that she hid really well, but he had seen it. She trusted him enough to show him.

He pictured her in her tux. Damn she turned him on, and made him laugh. He wanted to see her now, and try to get her jacket off and ... he had to shut that thought down or he would be keyed up again.

When he finished running it was 2 a.m., and he was exhausted. He hung his Class A's in his closet before he took a quick shower. As tired as he was, he was stalling, hoping he might see a light on in her room if she got home late. He checked her window one more time; still dark. He would just have to wait to talk to her tomorrow.

Chapter 20.

Ben heard MG drop Carrie off before noon the next day. He was in the basement repairing a VCR when he heard the car door shut in the Gould's driveway. He was able to work for another 5 minutes before he could no longer fight the urge to go talk to her.

Lana met him at the back door, "Ben, how nice to see you. What can I do for you?" Why did it never occur to her that he was here to see Carrie?

"I came over to talk to Carrie." "Oh, well," she paused as if she was trying to process the foreign idea. "She's in her room. I'll get her for you." Lana opened the door wider. "Come on in."

She crossed the kitchen and called upstairs to Carrie. Ben stayed in the doorway between the mudroom and kitchen.

"Did you have a nice time at prom?"

"Yes ma'am." "I saw you leaving with your girlfriend. That was a beautiful dress she had on." She timed the statement perfectly so Carrie could hear from the foot of the stairs.

"Yes, ma'am."

Carrie smirked behind her mom's back, letting him know she was not going to let her mom's comment affect her. "Hey, what's up?"

"Do you have a minute? I want to talk to you." "Sure, come on up," Carrie led the way to her bedroom. When they reached the top of the stairs Lana shouted from below, "Keep the door open."