"I've had more loot from a peasant hut!" Rike called out from back down the line.

"Christ bleeding! Don't start Little Rikey off," I said. "We're rich in the coin that counts the most, my brothers. We return laden in victory." There indeed was a currency I could spend at court. Everything is for sale at the right price. A king's favour, a succession, even a father's respect.

And that's another thing that made those returning miles longer than the going ones. Not only did I have to carry myself, my armour, my rations, but I had a new burden. It's hard to carry a weight of news with none to tell and days ahead before you can release it. Good news weighs just as heavy as bad. I could imagine myself back at court, boasting of my victory, rubbing noses in it, a certain stepmother's nose in particular. What would not paint itself on the canvas of my imagination was my father's reaction. I tried to see him shake his head in disbelief. I tried to see him smile and stand and put his hand on my shoulder. I tried to hear him thank me, praise me, call me son. But my eyes went blind and the words I heard were too faint and deep for distinction.

The brothers had little to say on the return journey, feeling the holes left in our ranks, haunted by the s.p.a.ce where the Nuban should be. Gog on the other hand bubbled over with energy, running ahead, chasing rabbits, asking question after question.

"Why is the roof blue, Brother Jorg?" he asked. He seemed to think the outside world was just a bigger cave. Some philosophers agree with him.

There were other changes too. The red marks on Gog's hide had shaded to a fiercer red, and the nightly campfires fascinated him. He would stare into the flames, entranced, edging closer moment by moment. Gorgoth discouraged the interest, flicking the child into the shadows, as if the attraction worried him.

The roads became more familiar, the inclines gentle, the fields rich. I walked the paths of my childhood, a golden time, easy days without care, scored by my mother's music and her song, with no sour note until my sixth year. My father had taught me the first of the hard lessons then, lessons in pain and loss and sacrifice. Gelleth had been the sum of that teaching. Victory without compromise, without mercy or hesitation. I would thank King Olidan for his instruction and tell him how his enemies had fared at my hands. And he would approve.

I thought of Katherine too, as we drew nearer. My idle moments filled with her image, with the moments I had spent close enough to touch her. I saw again how the light caught her, how it found the bones of her face, the softness of her lips.

We came footsore and road-weary to the heartlands of Ancrath, too deep in our own thoughts even to steal the horses that would ease the last of our journey. I had but to close my eyes and I would see the new sun rise over Gelleth, rise through Gelleth, and hear the screams of her ghosts.

We saw the Tall Castle's battlements from the Osten Ridge, with seven miles still before us to the gates. The sun descended in the west, crimson, racing us to the city.

"We'll be heroeth, Jorth?" Elban asked. He sounded uncertain as if all his years had yet to teach him that the end justifies the means.

"Heroes?" I shrugged. "We will be victors. And that's what counts."

We walked the last mile in dusk. The guards at the gates of the Low City had no questions for me. Perhaps they recognized their prince, or perhaps they read my look and some instinct for self preservation kicked in. We walked through unopposed.

"Brother Kent, why don't you lead the way to the Low Town and find the lads somewhere to drink? The Falling Angel, maybe." Sir Makin and I would go to court. The remainder of my brothers would find no welcome in the Tall Castle.

With Makin at my side I set off for the High City and at last we came to the castle itself. I put fatigue aside when we entered by the Triple Gate. We crossed the Lectern Courtyard in the deepest shadows, thrown by a failing sun.

By the time we pa.s.sed the table knights at Father's doors I had a spring in my step. I looked first for Sageous, seeking him at the King's side, then amongst the glitter of the crowd. I let the herald finish our introduction, and still I sought the heathen. I found Katherine beside the Queen, one hand on her sister's shoulder, hard eyes for poor Jorg. I let the silence stretch a moment longer.

"Where have you hidden your painted savage, Father-dear? I did so want to meet the old poisoner of dreams again."

I slid my gaze across the sea of faces one more time.

"Sageous's services to the Crown have taken him from our borders." Father held his face impa.s.sive, but I saw the quick glance exchanged between his queen and her sister.

"I'll be sure to look for his return." So, the heathen had run before me . . .

"I'm told that you limped back without the Forest Watch." Queen Sareth spoke from Father's side, her hands upon the greatness of her belly. "Are we to a.s.sume your losses were total?" A smile escaped the tight line of her mouth. An exceptionally pretty mouth, it has to be noted.

I spared her a small bow. A bow for my half-brother, struggling to claw his way from her womb. "Lady, there were losses among the Forest Watch, I cannot deny it."

Father inclined his head, as if the crown weighed heavy upon him. Pale eyes watched me from the shadow of his brow. "We will have an account of this rout."

"Lord Vincent de Gren . . ." I counted him off on my index finger.

An intake of breath hissed through the aristocracy.

"Even the Watch Master!" Queen Sareth struggled to her feet. "He has even lost the Watch Master! And this boy seeks our throne?"

"Lord Vincent de Gren," I resumed my count. "I had to push him over the Temus Falls. He vexed me. Coddin is the Watch Master now, low born but a sound fellow."

"Jed Willox." I counted a second finger. "Killed in a knife fight over a game of cards, two days' march past the Gelleth border."

"Mattus of Lee." I counted a third finger. "Apparently he urinated on a bear by mistake. It seems that the legendary woodcraft of the Forest Watch may be somewhat overstated. And . . . that's it."

I held the three fingers at arm's length above my head and turned left, then right, to survey my audience.

"The losses among my own picked men were similarly grievous, but in our defence you must consider that the razing of a castle defended by nine hundred Gellethian veterans is a dangerous undertaking. With two hundred and fifty lightly-armed forest rangers, there is a limit to what can be achieved without casualties."

"The coward never reached Castle Red!" The Queen pointed at me-as if anyone would mistake her target-and her voice became a shriek.

I smiled and held my peace. Women are apt to lose perspective when fat with child. I saw Katherine try to press Sareth back into her throne.

"I ordered you to a.s.sault the Castle Red." Father's words held no hint of anger, and carried all the more threat for it.

"Indeed." I advanced on the throne, leaving Sir Makin in my wake. "Bring me Gelleth, you said."

A yard separated us, no more, before the first palace guard thought to raise his crossbow. Father lifted a finger, and we paused, me and the guard sweating in his hauberk.

"Bring me Gelleth, you said. And you were good enough to grant me the Forest Watch to do it with."

I reached into the road-sack at my hip, ignoring the crossbows held on me, and the fingers ever tighter on their triggers.

"Here is Merl Gellethar, Lord of Gelleth, master of the Castle Red." I opened my hand and dust trickled through my fingers. "And here," I drew out a chunk of rock no bigger than a walnut. "Here is the largest stone that remains of the Castle Red."

I let the stone fall, dropped into silence. Neither dust nor stone were what I purported, of course, but the truth lay there on the throne-room floor. Merl Gellethar was dust on the wind, and his castle rubble.

"We killed them all. Every man in that fortress is dead." I looked to the Queen. "Every woman. Lady, scullion, drudge, and wh.o.r.e." My eyes fell to her belly. "Every child, every babe in cradle." I raised my voice. "Every horse and dog, every hawk and every dove. Each rat, and down to the last flea. Nothing lives there. Victory does not come in half measures."

Father lurched to his feet.

In one pace I stood almost nose to nose with him. I couldn't read what his eyes held, but the old fear had left me, as if it too had trickled from my hands.

"Give me my birthright." I kept all colour from the words, though my jaw ached from the strain of it. "Let me lead our armies, and I will take the Empire, and make it whole once more. Set aside the heathen. And his plans." I glanced toward the new queen at that.

I should have kept my eyes on him, should have remembered where I got my mean streak.

I felt a sharp pain under my heart. It made me bite off my sentence, nearly my tongue too. I tasted blood, hot and copper. One step back, two, staggering now. I saw the blade, exposed in Father's hand when I slipped from it.

Is this a dagger I see before me? The quotation bubbled up, and laughter too, breaking out of me, crimson with spittle. I wanted to speak, but for once words escaped me, leaking away with my life's blood.

The throne-room swam before me, its architecture no longer certain in the face of such betrayal. Every eye watched my retreat toward the great doors. Their stares lanced me, lords and ladies, Princess, Queen, and King. The legs that had borne me league upon league from Gelleth now turned traitor, as if each mile from the ruin of the Castle Red settled upon my shoulders and left me drunk with weariness.

He stabbed me!

There was a time when I loved my father. A time remembered, in dreams, or in rare waking moments, like the shadow of a high cloud crossing my mind. There's a laughing face from a year I no longer own, from a season when I was too young to see the distance between us. The face is bearded, fierce, but without threat.

Is this a dagger I see before me? My mouth wouldn't frame the joke. The laugh burst from me, and I fell, as if the knife had cut my strings.

For an eternity I lay before them, my cheek to the cold marble. I heard Makin roar. I heard the clatter as he went down beneath too many guards. The slow thud of a heartbeat filled me.

When I fell I saw the blackness of my father's hair, darker than night, with the faintest sheen of emerald like a magpie's wing.

"Take this away." He sounded weary. The slightest hint of human weakness at the last.

"Will he lie by his mother's tomb?" A new voice. The words drew out to fill an age, but somewhere in me they echoed and I saw their owner, Old Lord Nossar who bore us on his shoulders, Will and I, a lifetime ago. Old Nossar, come to carry me one last time. I heard the answer, too faint and deep for distinction. My eyes went blind. I felt the floor sc.r.a.pe against my cheek, and then no more.

38.

I swallowed darkness, and darkness swallowed me.

Without light, without the beat of a heart to count the time, you learn that eternity is nothing to fear. In fact, if they'd just leave you to it, an eternity alone in the dark can be a welcome alternative to the business of living.

Then the angel came.

The first glimmers felt like paper-cuts on my eyes. The illumination built from a distant pinpoint, splinters of light lodging in the back of my mind. A dawn came, and in an instant, or an age, darkness fled, leaving no hint of shadow to record its pa.s.sage.

"Jorg."

Her voice flowed through the octaves, an echo of every kind word and every promise fulfilled.

"h.e.l.lo." My voice sounded like a cracked reed. h.e.l.lo? But what do you say to heaven when you meet her? Two syllables, weakness and doubt underwriting both.

She opened her arms. "Come to me."

I crouched, naked on a floor too white for any shadow to dare. I could see the dirt on my limbs, like veins, and blood, blood from the wound that killed me, dried and black as sin.

"Come."

I tried to look at her. No point in her held constant. As if definition were a thing for mortals, a reduction that her essence would not allow. She wore pale, in shades. She had the eyes of everyone who ever cared. And wings-she had those too, but not in white and feathers, rather in the surety of flight. The potential of sky wrapped her. Sometimes her skin seemed to be clouds, moving one across the other. I looked away.

I crouched there, a knot of flesh and bone, with only dirt and old blood to define me beneath the scrutiny of her brilliance.

"Come to me." Arms open. A mother's arms, a lover's, father's, friend's.

I looked away, but she drew me still. I felt her breathing. I felt the promise of redemption. I had but to lift my eyes and she would forgive me.

"No."

Her surprise fluttered between us, a palpitation of the light. I felt tension in the muscles of my jaw, and the bitter taste of anger, hot at the back of my throat. Here at last were things familiar to me.

"Put aside your pain, Jorg. Let the blood of the Lamb wash your sins away." Nothing false in her. She stood transparent in her concern. The angel held her gifts in open hands, compa.s.sion, love . . . pity.

One gift too many. The old smile twisted on my lips. I stood, nice and slow, head bowed still. "The Lamb doesn't have enough blood for my sins. May as well hang a sheep for me as a lamb."

"No sin is too great to repent," she said. "There's no evil that cannot be put aside."

She meant it too. No lie could pa.s.s those lips. That truth, at least, was self-evident.

I met her eyes then, and the wash of her love, so deep and so without condition, nearly carried me away. I dug deep and fought her. I manufactured my smile once again, cursing myself for a slackjawed fool.

"I left few sins untasted." I took a step toward her. "I cursed . . . in church. I coveted my neighbour's ox. I stole it too, roasted it whole, and finished it off with gluttony, a deadly sin, the first of the Seven, learned at my mother's breast."

The hurt in her eyes hurt me, but I'd lived a life striking blows that cut two ways.

I moved around the angel, and my feet stained the floor, leaving bruises that faded in my wake.

"I coveted my neighbour's wife. And I had her. Murder too. Oh yes, murder and more murder. So few sins untasted . . . If I'd not died so young, I'm sure I'd have met you with a full list." Anger closed my jaw. Any tighter and my teeth would have exploded. "If I'd lived but five minutes longer, you could have put patricide at the head of the tally."

"It can be forgiven."

"I don't require your forgiveness." Veins of darkness reached across the floor, growing outward from where I stood.

"Let it go, Child." A warmth and a humour ran through her words, so strong it nearly carried me with it. Her eyes stood as windows to a world of things made whole. A place built of tomorrows. It could all be made right. I could taste it, smell it. If she weren't so sure of her success, she'd have had me, there and then.

I held to my anger, drank from my well of poison. These things are not good things, but at least they're mine.

"I could go with you, Lady. I could take what you offer. But who would I be then? Who would I be if I let go the wrongs that have shaped me?"

"You would be happy," she said.

"Someone else would be happy. A new Jorg, a Jorg without pride. I won't be anyone's puppy. Not yours, not even His."

The night crept back like mist rising from the mire.

"Pride is a sin too, Jorg. Deadliest of the Seven. You have to let it go." At last, a hint of challenge in her words. All I needed to give me strength.

"Have to?" Darkness swirled around us.

She held out her hands. The dark grew and her light quailed.

"Pride?" I said, my smile dancing now. "I am pride! Let the meek have their inheritance-I'd rather have eternity in shadows than divine bliss at the price you ask." It wasn't true, but to speak otherwise, to take her hand rather than to bite it, would leave nothing of me, nothing but pieces.

Glimmers held her now, glimmers against the velvet blackness. "Lucifer spoke thus. Pride took him from heaven, though he sat at G.o.d's right hand." Her voice grew faint, the hint of a whisper. "In the end pride is the only evil, the root of all sins."

"Pride is all I have."

I swallowed the night, and the night swallowed me.