Message Jones Message JonesIf skirt is indeed sick, please look into howmany days sick leave skirt has taken in previoustwelvemonth. Spasmodic nature of recentskirt attendance suggests malingeringCleave

Just sending back:

Message Cleave Message CleaveSkirt is demonstrably neither sick norabscent. Appalled by management'sblatently sizist att.i.tude to skirt.Obsessive interest in skirt suggestsmanagement sick rather than skirt. Jones Jones

Hmm. Think will cross last bit out as contains mild accusation of s.e.xual hara.s.sment whereas v. much enjoying being s.e.xually hara.s.sed by Daniel Cleaver.

Aaargh Aaargh. Perpetua just walked past and started reading over shoulder. Just managed to press Alt Screen in nick of time but big mistake as merely put CV back up on screen.

'Do let me know when you've finished reading, won't you?' said Perpetua, with a nasty smirk. 'I'd hate to feel you were being underused.' underused.'

The second she was safely back on the phone - 'I mean frankly, Mr Birkett, what is the point in putting three to four bedrooms when it is going to be obvious the second we appear that bedroom four is an airing cupboard?' - I got back to work. This is what I am about to send.

Message CleaveSkirt is demonstrably neither sick norabscent. Appalled by management'sblatently sizist att.i.tude to skirt.Considering appeal to industrial tribunal,tabloids, etc.Jones.

Oh dear. This was return message.

Message JonesMessage JonesAbsent, Jones, not abscent. Blatantly, not Absent, Jones, not abscent. Blatantly, notBlatently. Please attempt to acquire atleast perfunctory grasp of spelling. Thoughby no means trying to suggest language fixedrather than constantly adapting, fluctuatingtool of communication (cf Hoenigswald)computer spell check might help.Cleave

Was just feeling crestfallen when Daniel walked past with Simon from Marketing and shot a very s.e.xy look at my skirt with one eyebrow raised. Love the lovely computer messaging. Must work on spelling, though. After all, have degree in English.

Friday 6 January

5.45 p.m. Could not be more joyous. Computer messaging re: presence or otherwise of skirt continued obsessively all afternoon. Cannot imagine respected boss did stroke of work. Weird scenario with Perpetua (penultimate boss), since knew I was messaging and v. angry, but fact that was messaging ultimate boss gave self conflicting feelings of loyalty - distinctly un-level playing field where anyone with ounce of sense would say ultimate boss should hold sway. Could not be more joyous. Computer messaging re: presence or otherwise of skirt continued obsessively all afternoon. Cannot imagine respected boss did stroke of work. Weird scenario with Perpetua (penultimate boss), since knew I was messaging and v. angry, but fact that was messaging ultimate boss gave self conflicting feelings of loyalty - distinctly un-level playing field where anyone with ounce of sense would say ultimate boss should hold sway.

Last message read:

Message Jones Message JonesWish to send bouquet to ailing skirt overweekend. Please supply home contact no asapas cannot, for obvious reasons, rely ongiven spelling of 'Jones' to search in file.Cleave

Yesssss! Yessssss' Daniel Cleaver wants my phone no. Am marvellous. Am irresistible s.e.x G.o.ddess. Hurrah!

Sunday 8 January

9st 2(v. b.l.o.o.d.y g. but what is point?), b.l.o.o.d.y g. but what is point?), alcohol units alcohol units 2 2 (excellent), cigarettes 7, calories 3100 (poor). (excellent), cigarettes 7, calories 3100 (poor).

2 p.m. Oh G.o.d, why am I so unattractive? Cannot believe I convinced myself I was keeping the entire weekend free to work when in fact I was on permanent date-with-Daniel standby. Hideous, wasted two days glaring psychopathically at the phone, and eating things. Why hasn't he ring? Why? What's wrong with me? Why ask for my phone number if he wasn't going to ring, and if he was going to ring surely he would & it over the weekend? Must centre myself more. Will ask Jude about appropriate self-help book, possible Eastern-religion-based. Oh G.o.d, why am I so unattractive? Cannot believe I convinced myself I was keeping the entire weekend free to work when in fact I was on permanent date-with-Daniel standby. Hideous, wasted two days glaring psychopathically at the phone, and eating things. Why hasn't he ring? Why? What's wrong with me? Why ask for my phone number if he wasn't going to ring, and if he was going to ring surely he would & it over the weekend? Must centre myself more. Will ask Jude about appropriate self-help book, possible Eastern-religion-based.

8 p.m. Phone call alert, which turned out to be just Tom, asking if there was any telephonic progress. Tom, who has taken, unflatteringly, to calling himself a hag-f.a.g, has been sweetly supportive about the Daniel crisis. Tom has a theory that h.o.m.os.e.xuals and single women in their thirties have natural bonding: both being accustomed to disappointing their parents and being treated as freaks by society. He indulged me while I obsessed to him about my unattractiveness crisis - precipitated, as I told him, first by b.l.o.o.d.y Mark Darcy then by b.l.o.o.d.y Daniel at which point he said, I must say not particularly helpfully, 'Mark Darcy? But isn't he that famous lawyer - the human-rights guy?' Phone call alert, which turned out to be just Tom, asking if there was any telephonic progress. Tom, who has taken, unflatteringly, to calling himself a hag-f.a.g, has been sweetly supportive about the Daniel crisis. Tom has a theory that h.o.m.os.e.xuals and single women in their thirties have natural bonding: both being accustomed to disappointing their parents and being treated as freaks by society. He indulged me while I obsessed to him about my unattractiveness crisis - precipitated, as I told him, first by b.l.o.o.d.y Mark Darcy then by b.l.o.o.d.y Daniel at which point he said, I must say not particularly helpfully, 'Mark Darcy? But isn't he that famous lawyer - the human-rights guy?'

Hmmm. Well, anyway. What about my human right not to have to wander round with fearsome unattractiveness hang-up?

11 p.m. It is far too late for Daniel to ring. V. sad and traumatized. It is far too late for Daniel to ring. V. sad and traumatized.

Monday 9 January

9st 2,alcohol units 4, cigarettes cigarettes 29, calories 29, calories 770 770 (v.g. (v.g. but at what price?). but at what price?).

Nightmare day in office. Watched the door for Daniel all morning: nothing. By 11.45 a.m. I was seriously alarmed. Should I raise an alert?

Then Perpetua suddenly bellowed into the phone: 'Daniel? He's gone to a meeting in Croydon, He'll be in tomorrow.' She banged the phone down and said, 'G.o.d, all these b.l.o.o.d.y girls ringing him up.'

Panic stricken, I reached for the Silk Cut. Which girls? What? Somehow I made it through the day, got home, and in a moment of insanity left a message on Daniel's answerphone, saying (oh no, I can't believe I did this), 'Hi, it's Jones here. I was just wondering how you are and if you wanted to meet for the skirt-health summit, like you said.'

The second I put the phone down I realized it was an emergency and rang Tom, who calmly said leave it to him: if he made several calls to the machine he could find the code which would let him play back and erase the message. Eventually he thought he'd cracked it, but unfortunately Daniel then answered the phone. Instead of saying, 'Sorry, wrong number,' Tom hung up. So now Daniel not only has the insane message but will think it's me who's rung his answerphone fourteen times this evening and then, when I did get hold of him, banged the phone down.

Tuesday 10 January

9st 1, alcohol units 2, cigarettes 6, calories 998 (excellent, v.g. perfect saint-style person).

Slunk into the office crippled with embarra.s.sment about the message. I had resolved totally to detach myself from Daniel but then he appeared looking unnervingly s.e.xy and started making everyone laugh so that I went all to pieces.

Suddenly, Message Pending flashed up on the top of my computer screen.

Message JonesThanks for your phone call. Cleave. Cleave.

My heart sank. That phone call was suggesting a date. Who replies by saying 'thanks' and leaves it at that unless they but after a little thought, I sent back:

Message CleavePlease shut up. I am very busy andimportant.Jones.

And after a few minutes more, he replied.

Message Jones Message JonesSorry to interrupt, Jones, pressure must be h.e.l.lish. Over and out.PS. I like your t.i.ts in that top.Cleave

. . . And we were off. Frantic messaging continued all week, culminating in him suggesting a date for Sunday night and me dizzyingly, euphorically, accepting. Sometimes I look around the office as we all tap away and wonder if anyone is doing any work at all.

(Is it just me or is Sunday a bizarre night for a first date? All wrong, like Sat.u.r.day morning or Monday at 2 p.m.)

Sunday 15 January

9st (excellent), alcohol units 0, cigarettes 29 (v.v. bad, esp. in 2 hours), caloriess 3879 (repulsive), negative thoughts 942(approx. based on av. per minute), minutes spent counting negative thoughts 127 (approx.).

6 p.m. Completely exhausted by entire day of date-preparation. Being a woman is worse than being a farmer there is so much harvesting and crop spraying to be done: legs to be waxed, underarms shaved, eyebrows plucked, feet pumiced, skin exfoliated and moisturized, spots cleansed, roots dyed, eyelashes tinted, nails filed, cellulite ma.s.saged, stomach muscles exercised. The whole performance is so highly tuned you only need to neglect it for a few days for the whole thing to go to seed. Sometimes I wonder what I would be like if left to revert to nature - with a full beard and handlebar moustache on each shin, Dennis Healey eyebrows, face a graveyard of dead skin cells, spots erupting, long curly fingernails like Struwelpeter, blind as bat and stupid runt of species as no contact lenses, flabby body flobbering around. Ugh, ugh. Is it any wonder girls have no confidence? Completely exhausted by entire day of date-preparation. Being a woman is worse than being a farmer there is so much harvesting and crop spraying to be done: legs to be waxed, underarms shaved, eyebrows plucked, feet pumiced, skin exfoliated and moisturized, spots cleansed, roots dyed, eyelashes tinted, nails filed, cellulite ma.s.saged, stomach muscles exercised. The whole performance is so highly tuned you only need to neglect it for a few days for the whole thing to go to seed. Sometimes I wonder what I would be like if left to revert to nature - with a full beard and handlebar moustache on each shin, Dennis Healey eyebrows, face a graveyard of dead skin cells, spots erupting, long curly fingernails like Struwelpeter, blind as bat and stupid runt of species as no contact lenses, flabby body flobbering around. Ugh, ugh. Is it any wonder girls have no confidence?

7 p.m. Cannot believe this has happened. On the way to the bathroom, to complete final farming touches, I noticed the answerphone light was flashing: Daniel. Cannot believe this has happened. On the way to the bathroom, to complete final farming touches, I noticed the answerphone light was flashing: Daniel.

'Look, Jones. I'm really sorry. I think I'm going to have give tonight a miss. I've got a presentation at ten in the morning and a pile of forty-five spreadsheets to get through,'

Cannot believe it. Am stood up. Entire waste of whole day's b.l.o.o.d.y effort and hydroelectric body-generated power. However, one must not live one's life through men but must be complete in oneself as a woman of substance.

9 p.m. Still, he is in top-level job. Maybe be didn't want to ruin first date with underlying work-panic. Still, he is in top-level job. Maybe be didn't want to ruin first date with underlying work-panic.

11 p.m. Humph Humph. He might have b.l.o.o.d.y well rung again, though. Is probably out with someone thinner. He might have b.l.o.o.d.y well rung again, though. Is probably out with someone thinner.

5 a.m. What s wrong with me? I'm completely alone. Hate Daniel Cleaver. Am going to have nothing more to do with him. Am going to get weighed. What s wrong with me? I'm completely alone. Hate Daniel Cleaver. Am going to have nothing more to do with him. Am going to get weighed.