"According to you, that would be true of any woman."

"Touche. All people are unique, but some are more unique than others.

You'll never find another woman like Troth."

He knew that, but it didn't mean that he had the right to keep her. "You asked what Troth wants. What do you want, Dom?"

"Fifty more years of what I have now," his brother said promptly. "Meriel, my children and someday grandchildren, the knowledge that what I do as a landowner and magistrate makes a real difference to the people of Warfield and Shropshire. I'm a country squire at heart, Kyle. You'll need more to hold your attention, but politics should do the trick nicely. A chance for you to do the right thing on a larger scale."

His brother understood him well-sitting in the House of Lords and helping to shape the destiny of his homeland was one part of his inheritance that he'd always looked forward to. "Remember how I promised you Bradshaw Manor if you'd take my place with my mad fiancee?"

"It's not something I'd forget, since your crack-brained scheme changed my life."

"I intended to give you Bradshaw anyhow. I'd always planned on that, since it was the only piece of property I owned outright."

Dominic's brows arched. "When we were boys I a.s.sumed that you'd sign over a middling-size estate someday, but we were at loggerheads for so long I decided you'd changed your mind. But if you did intend to give me Bradshaw Manor, why the devil didn't you do it sooner instead of leaving me bored in London for years?"

Kyle smiled faintly. "I kept hoping you'd use your freedom to do something interesting, like travel to China."

Dominic laughed. "That was your dream, not mine. Amazing to think how many years I envied you for being born first. But I was the lucky one, wasn't I? I grew up without the constant pressure you had to endure."

Wrexham had closely monitored his heir's studies and behavior, personally wielding the whip when Kyle didn't live up to the earl's standards. It had been difficult, yet Kyle had borne the pain stoically. He'd also taken pride in the fact that sometimes he'd been able to deflect his father's ire from Dominic. As the elder, he'd considered that his duty, and he'd always done his duty.

Dominic said thoughtfully, "I've sometimes wondered-if I'd been born first, would I be you and you'd be me? I mean, would I have been the responsible twin, while you were the rebellious one? Or are the differences between us so innate that our temperaments would be the same even if we'd been born in reverse order?"

"d.a.m.ned if I know, Dom. And trying to work that out will undoubtedly give me a headache tonight."

"Any headaches you have will be from brandy." Dominic got to his feet, smothering a yawn. "Which is putting me to sleep. I'll see you in the morning."

"Thanks for coming," Kyle said quietly.

Dominic briefly rested a hand on Kyle's shoulder. "You can also think yourself into a headache wondering about Troth. Perhaps it would be simplest just to ask yourself if you're better off with her, or without her."

After his brother left, Kyle set aside his brandy, no longer interested in drinking himself into oblivion. Dominic's last question was no help. Though Kyle might be better off with Troth than without her, the reverse was not true.

What had his first year or so with Constancia been like? There had been erotic intoxication, of course, and not only because he'd been a virgin and she was a courtesan exquisitely skilled in pleasing men. Their lovemaking had always contained a powerful emotional element that went beyond the intense physical pleasure, though it had taken him a decade to recognize how deeply he had loved her.

Dominic was right that he shouldn't compare his mature love for Constancia with the turbulent feelings he had for Troth. With Constancia, there had been a deep sense of peace and belonging. Though he desired Troth as he'd never thought he could desire a woman again, the foundation of the relationship wasn't peace, but a raw neediness that he hated to acknowledge because it might destroy them both. He would come to despise himself for his weakness, while she would despise him for clinging to her so desperately. That did not fit any sane definition of love.

But if he was too much a coward to explore the possibilities with Troth now, he'd never forgive himself.

More than that, he wanted her-wanted her more than he'd ever wanted anything or anyone in his life. Winning her would not be easy; it might not even be possible.

The haze of illness and depression that had paralyzed him had finally lifted. Perhaps he was not so needy, not so desperate, that he would inevitably drive Troth away.

There was only one way to find out.

Chapter 38.

Melrose The Scottish border country "I've come home, Father." Troth laughed aloud as the wind caught her cloak, whipping it out like a dark banner as she explored the ruins of Dryburgh Abbey. She felt deep satisfaction at fulfilling the promise she had made on her father's grave.

The abbey was one of the childhood haunts he'd described to her, and she could almost feel him beside her. Repeated battles between Scots and English had turned the religious foundation into roofless, battered buildings where grazing sheep trimmed the gra.s.s to velvety elegance. The setting made her feel like the heroine of one of the Gothic romances she'd read at Warfield.

Somewhere in the ruins, there should be a villain waiting to a.s.sault the innocent maiden. At the last minute, just before the villain could have his evil way with her, the hero would appear and prove his love in manly combat. Of course, Troth was no innocent maiden, and she was quite capable of overcoming any villains without aid, but being rescued by a handsome, adoring hero certainly had romantic appeal.

She paused respectfully at the grave of Sir Walter Scott, who'd lived nearby and been buried here the year before. Her father had known the writer as a boy. During the winter she'd devoured Scott's dashing historical tales of Scottish love and adventure. Scott had chosen a pleasant place to rest his bones for eternity, though today it seemed devoid of either villains or heroes.

Or was it? Through an empty window she caught a glimpse of a dark-clothed male figure exploring the ruins. The fellow rather reminded her of Kyle, but many men had done that on her trip north. She was haunted by the ghost of a man who wasn't dead.

If he were here, what role would he play, villain or hero? Smiling at her fancies, she reversed course to avoid the stranger, preferring solitude. She didn't need company. For now, it was enough to be in Scotland. There had been the usual curious stares at her odd appearance, but Scots had a deep natural courtesy, and most became downright friendly after they heard her accent.

Deciding to look at the river that ran behind the abbey, she left the church -and almost jumped out of her skin when she found herself on the verge of colliding with the other sightseer. Dear G.o.ds, it was Kyle!

She stared, heart pounding. "My lord?"

He fell back a step. "In person. Sorry. I didn't mean to startle you." Getting a grip on her imagination, she said coolly, "Have you come to retrieve your carriage? "

"I've come to see you." His intent gaze was disquieting.

"How did you find me?"

"It's not hard to track a coach with a crest on the doors, especially since you once mentioned that your father's family lived near Melrose. As to finding you here, the owner of the inn where you're staying said you were walking to the abbey, so I thought I'd follow the path here myself. It's a good hike."

"But why?" she said helplessly.

"To talk to you." He scanned the ruins. "Are you ready to return to Melrose, or do you wish to spend longer here?"

"I've seen enough for today." It would be impossible to resume sight-seeing now that Kyle had appeared.

He offered his arm, and she automatically accepted, unable to prevent herself from enjoying his company. After they'd walked a stretch of path in silence, he said, "Your Scottish accent is already stronger. Is the country living up to your expectations?"

"It is indeed." She raised her head, feeling the fresh breeze on her face. "In a triumph of breeding over upbringing, I love the cool air and the ever-changing skies. It's like... like coming home. The shadows and light and hills are exactly as I dreamed. I feel as if I must have lived here in other lifetimes."

"Perhaps you have."

"Some Buddhism has definitely rubbed off on you."

"I think it has. Certainly some places call to our hearts. It was like that for me when I saw my folio of Chinese prints; I felt that China was part of me, and that I'd never be happy unless I visited there."

"Your pa.s.sion had the advantage of making you less narrow-minded than most men of your cla.s.s." She glanced at him, remembering their journey to Hoshan. "Did you want to stay in China?"

"If I'd had the choice, I'd have become a China trader like your father, spending most of my time in Macao and Canton," he said thoughtfully. "However, since my responsibilities are in Britain, I'm reasonably content now that I've had my visit."

"If you've learned how to be content, the last year hasn't been wasted. When I met you, the word 'restless' is what came to mind."

His gaze became intent again. "The last year has definitely not been wasted, difficult though it was at times."

Wanting to avoid deep discussions, she lifted her skirts and hopped a puddle left from an earlier shower. "It's odd that this part of Scotland is called the Lowlands when it's hillier than much of England."

"True, but these hills are modest compared to the Highlands, where my mother was born." He looked toward the misty north. "In theory, England and Scotland are one nation now, but I doubt that will ever be wholly true."

"My father would have agreed with you." She glanced away from him, wondering why Dominic was merely handsome while Kyle, who looked just like him, made her knees go weak.

"Have you found any members of his family yet?"

Her fingers tightened on his arm. "I know he had a brother named James Montgomery, but when I asked the innkeeper at the Auld Bruce Inn, he said there were five men of that name in the district. I don't know if I want to inquire further. Perhaps I'll stay in Melrose for another day or two, then go on to Edinburgh."

"If you like, I can help find the right man, and go with you to call on him."

Uncomfortable with how clearly he saw her fears, she reverted to her earlier question. "Give me a better reason for why you're here, Kyle. To make us both miserable again?"

"I hope not." He hesitated. "I... I suppose I've come to court you."

She stared at him in astonishment. "You want to court me?"

"Better late than never." He smiled wryly. "About twelve hours after you left, Dominic appeared and essentially told me I was a d.a.m.ned fool where you're concerned. He's undoubtedly right."

Her heart constricted. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"I still don't know if I'm capable of ever being the kind of husband you deserve," Kyle said with painful honesty. "But I don't want to throw away what's between us if there is a chance there could be more."

"It may be too late for that." She bowed her head, wanting to weep. She loved him, had loved him almost from the beginning, but she no longer believed they might have a future together. Why did he have to come and confuse everything just when she had finally recognized the path she must follow?

Though it was too soon for conclusive proof, she felt in her bones that they had conceived a child together when they had made love among the apple blossoms. She felt different in ways she had no words for. She was even willing to guess that the child would be male, because she sensed a glow of yang energy deep inside her.

The prospect filled her with joy, but also made her realize that she didn't want a child of hers to be raised at Dornleigh with a grandfather who despised his mixed blood, and a father who had taken such pains to avoid impregnating his mistress. Her child would be raised with love and acceptance, even if she had to return to Macao to find that.

"Are you sure it's too late? We've never had any normal time together, Troth. You were pretending to be a man, or we were making an illegal journey, or I was confused and convinced the gentlemanly thing to do was send you away. Wouldn't it be nice to simply enjoy each other's company without any complications, and see what might come of it?"

"I cannot imagine things being simple between us."

"We can start by not being lovers." His mouth softened into a faint smile.

"A proper courtship isn't supposed to include a bed."

"I'm not sure if I can be with you and not think about beds."

His gaze went over her with scorching intensity. "Isn't that a good reason to try courting and see where it might lead?"

Nervously she tugged her cloak tighter. "What's the point of trying, Kyle? I don't belong in your world. I never will. That would be true even if your father approved of me, which he certainly doesn't. How can you find happiness if you disobey his wishes?"

"In Britain, children don't obey their fathers anywhere near as often as they do in China. Besides, Wrexham said before he left for London that part-Chinese grandchildren were better than none from me at all, which is the alternative."

"This is approval?" she said scathingly.

"For him, yes." Kyle took her hand and resumed walking, detouring around two placidly grazing sheep. "Wrexham might not be the ideal father-in-law, and your life has been so far outside his experience that you unnerve him in ways that go beyond your Chinese blood. But if we choose to become properly married, I guarantee he will accept you into the family, and defend you against the king himself if necessary. As for my brother and sister-well, they already consider you a Renbourne. It will go hard on me if I let you get away."

"That's all very well, but I'm not convinced."

"Convincing takes time, which is why courtship was invented." His hand tightened around hers. "Give me until the handfast ends, Troth. If a year and a day after we pledged ourselves in Feng-tang we decide we have no future, we can part gracefully, and without regrets."

She bit her lip. If she really was pregnant, she owed it to her unborn child not to refuse this last attempt to build a true marriage. "Very well. Until the handfast ends."

He turned her toward him and lifted her chin to give her a slow, sweet kiss in which pa.s.sion was deliberately banked. His lips were warm and achingly familiar.

Though part of her yearned to lean into his warm, well-loved body, even more she wanted the simplicity he was offering. But it was far too late for that.

He stepped back, his breathing quickened. "Thank you, Troth. I'll do my best to be better company in the next weeks than I've been in the last."

"That wouldn't be hard."

"Too true. I've been such a confused bore for the last month that I could barely stand my own company. No wonder you left." He took her arm and resumed walking. "About your father's family. Visiting them might be a risk, but clearly you're a risk taker, Troth Montgomery. Shall I make some inquiries?"

She took a deep breath. "Find them for me, Kyle. It's time I met the only blood kin I have."

Though they didn't belong together forever, she might as well take advantage of his presence to help her face the terrors of family.

Luckily the Auld Bruce Inn was large enough to have a private parlor where Kyle and Troth could dine together, since they were both guests there. She brought her kitten down from her room for company, or possibly as a chaperon, since Pearl Blossom liked to sit on laps, which tended to make one think twice before succ.u.mbing to pa.s.sion.

Kyle approved-he needed all of the second thoughts available, since he had a nearly overwhelming desire to take Troth in his arms. Which would not be good, given her p.r.i.c.kly wariness. He must move slowly and carefully with her, winning her friendship and trust again, or he would lose this last opportunity she had granted.

After they returned from the abbey, he'd gone in search of information about her father's family, but he waited until the meal was finished before giving her his news. "I talked to the local minister, and I think I've located your uncle."

Troth's fingers tensed on her teacup. "Are you sure?"

"Certain. There may be five James Montgomerys, but only one had a brother named Hugh who went to China to make his fortune. After leaving Scotland he returned only twice, the last time more than twenty years ago, but he hasn't been forgotten. It wasn't hard to find the right James Montgomery."

Troth leaned forward. "What else did you learn about my uncle?"

"Like his father before him, he's a schoolteacher."

"Yes! I'd forgotten that, but I remember Papa talking about how his father and brother were teachers." She sipped her tea, eyes distant. "I suppose that was why Papa was so keen on my education. He taught me European subjects himself, and made sure I had good tutors for Chinese language and literature and history."

"Scots have always had a pa.s.sion for education. My mother was one of the best-read and best-informed women I've ever known. Rather like you."

Troth dropped her gaze and petted her cat. "Is my uncle nearby?"

"He lives in a cottage just outside of Melrose with his family. Easy walking distance." Kyle swirled the wine in his gla.s.s, praying that an educated man would welcome his exotic niece even if her birth was irregular by British standards.

And if Montgomery rejected her, Kyle would... would...

He wasn't sure what he would do. But it was a pity that dueling was illegal.