And grins.

Dr. Gideon Box.

I'VE HANDCUFFED A beautiful waitress to a chain link fence behind a family-style restaurant in Western Kentucky. She's offered me twenty seconds worth of kissing and breast-fondling. Above her clothes.

But there's nothing on earth stopping me from reaching up under her dress, pulling down her panties, and taking her right here in front of the dumpster.

She knows it.

I know it.

Nothing to stop me except my promise.

"You're wastin' time," Trudy says.

I detect a slight waver in her voice. She knows this could go south on her in a hurry. Knows I've got the key in my pocket. Knows I could take her right here, run to my car, and get the h.e.l.l out of town. She knows I could be thirty miles away before someone finds a tool to cut the cuffs off her.

She starts counting slowly.

"One, two, threea"

"Don't be nervous," I say. "I was just admiring the view."

"Four, fivea"

I move in for the kiss. She closes her eyes, puckers her lips.

I kiss her.

Then stop for a moment to look at her angelic face.

She says, "Six, sevena"

But she's breathing heavily.

I kiss her again. She parts her lips slightly, accepts my tongue. Instead of pulling back like most women who kiss me, she murmurs and probes my mouth with her tongue.

I can't believe she's really getting into it like this. What I'm saying, women pretend. With me, it's a routine occurrence. That's because in the real world, women only have s.e.x with me after being softened up with cash, or worn down by liquor or drugs. Women can fake s.e.x. They can pretend they love it, pretend you're the greatest lover they've ever had, you'll never know the difference.

But women can't fake a kiss.

It's too intimate.

Hookers know this. That's why they'd rather give a b.l.o.w. .j.o.b than a tongue kiss.

Trudy's not faking it.

Her motor's running.

I put my hands on her b.o.o.bs.

She gasps.

I come up for air.

In a very shaky voice, she says, eight, nine, ten, elevena"

I'm cupping her b.r.e.a.s.t.s.

Through her clothes, of course, but I'm getting plenty of action.

She's right about her "good points." Her nipples are hard enough to poke holes in the vinyl seats of Alice T's dining room.

"Twelve, thirteen, fourteena"

I kiss her some more, feel her up some more.

She moans.

When I come up for air, she says, "Fifteen, sixteen, seventeena"

I step back, but keep my hands on her b.o.o.bs.

"What's wrong?" she says.

I want more. Much more.

She knows it.

"Eighteena" she says.

I sigh. "You are absolutely adorable."

She smiles.

"Nineteena"

I move in for one last kissa aAnd wake up in the center of an old, empty barn, tied to a chair.

Two feet in front of me is another chair.

That one's occupied by Scooter Bing, Deputy Sheriff.

FOUR BATTERY-POWERED camping lanterns have been strategically placed to provide more light than I would have expected them to yield. Two are on the floor, six feet on either side of us, and the other two are perched atop the stall doors.

My head hurts like h.e.l.l. If my arms were free, I'd feel to see if the lump goes out or in. The answer to that question would help me calculate my odds of surviving the night.

a.s.suming Scooter Bing doesn't plan to kill me.

"Nice watch," he says.

"Thanks. What did you hit me with?"

"I'll ask the questions, if you don't mind," Scooter says.

He's a ma.s.sive man. Built like a pro guard or tackle, gone to seed. He's almost certainly wearing the largest cop uniform that can be purchased, but it's clear he's outgrown it. His belly's so big he can't tuck his shirt in.

"How do you even wipe your a.s.s?" I say.

"With doctors."

"Funny."

"You think?"

The old horse barn we're in is empty, save for the chairs and some old boards and paint cans. There's some trash scattered about, sc.r.a.ps of newspaper, a rag or two, and remnants of ancient hay. A moldy cardboard box near my feet appears to have held nails at one time. Not far beyond, a mouse carca.s.s, like Beethoven, is decomposing.

"Nice office," I say. "Or is this your police station?"

"Interrogation room."

"What about an attorney?"

"You got one?"

"I do. And I'd like to call him."

"Would that make you feel better?"

"Yes, of course."

"Then go ahead."

"You've got my cell phone."

"So, call loudly."

I scream for help a few times at the top of my lungs. Then give up.

"Feel better?" Scooter says.

"Yeah. Thanks. What happens now?"

"Normally I'd hang you."

"What's stopping you?"

"I want to hear your side of things."

"And then?"

"And then I'll hang you."

"You got a rope?"

"Trunk of my car."

"You know how to tie a noose?"

"Nope. You?"

"Nope," I say, mocking him. Then add, "Since neither of us can tie a noose, whaddya say we skip the hanging part."

He smiles. "Don't need to know how to tie a proper noose."

"Why's that?"

"It's a seasoned rope."

"I UNDERSTAND HOW you stole my handcuffs," he says. "How'd you steal the key?"

"Is that your only question?"

"I've got others."