Ownership

If you know where the property lines are, you can look up who owns the land. In physical property, we say that Sam or Susie "owns" the land and the things on the land.

In relationships, ownership is also very important. If I know where the boundaries are in our relationship, I know who "owns" things such as feelings, att.i.tudes, and behaviors as well. I know to whom they "belong." And if there is a problem with one of those, I know to whom the problem belongs as well. A relationship like marriage requires each partner to have a sense of ownership of himself or herself.

I (Dr. Cloud) witnessed this lack of ownership in a couple recently. Caroline and Joe came in for marriage counseling saying that they could not stop arguing with one another. When I asked her what the arguments were about, Caroline replied, "He is just so angry all the time. He gets so mad at me that it really hurts; he is so mean sometimes."

I turned to Joe and asked, "Why do you get so mad?"

Without having to think for a second, he replied, "Because she always tries to control me and my life."

Sensing that this could become a game of Ping-Pong, I looked to the other side of the table and asked Caroline, "Why do you try to control him?"

Again, in a millisecond, she replied, "Because he is so into his own things that I can't get his time or attention." Each of them blamed their own behavior on the other person.

Sensing that they might see the humor in what they were doing if I continued, I asked, "Why do you not pay attention to her?"

"Because she is so nagging and controlling-I just have to get away from her," he instantly shot back.

Trying one last time to have someone take ownership for his or her own behavior, I asked her why she nags. Without missing a beat, she answered, "Because he won't do anything I want."

I wanted them to see my head moving back and forth whenever I asked the question "Why do you . . . ?" The answer given was always something about the other person. The ball of ownership was. .h.i.t back over the net each time it landed in one of their courts. Neither one ever took personal ownership of his or her behavior. In their minds, their behavior was literally "caused" by the other person.

I longed for Joe to say, for example, "I get angry at her because I'm too immature to respond to her more helpfully. I'm deeply sorry for that and need some help. I want to be able to love her correctly no matter what her behavior is. Can you help me?" This response would be music to a counselor's ears. But, with this couple, we were a long way from the symphony.

I felt as if I were in the bleachers in the Garden of Eden when G.o.d confronted Adam after he had sinned (see Genesis 3:1a13). Adam had chosen to disobey G.o.d's command not to eat of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. There was no doubt about it, Adam had done it. When G.o.d asked what had happened, he got the same lack of ownership we saw with Caroline and Joe.

"Who told you that you were naked?" G.o.d asked. "Have you eaten from the tree I commanded you not to eat from?"

"The woman you put here with me-she gave me some fruit from the tree," Adam said, "and I ate it." Adam blamed his behavior on his wife. Just like Joe; just like all of us. "I did because of you." And G.o.d ran into the same problem with Eve. When he asked her about her behavior, look what happened: "What is this you have done?" G.o.d asked.

"The serpent deceived me, and I ate," Eve replied. Eve's behavior and disobedience get explained away on account of the serpent. "If it weren't for the serpent. . . ."

In essence, Caroline and Joe, like Adam and Eve, and like you and me, were saying, "If it were not for you, I would be a more loving, responsible person."

So the first way in which clarifying boundaries helps us is to know where one person ends and the other begins. What is the problem, and where is it? Is it in you, or is it in me? Once we know the boundaries, we know who should be owning whichever problem we are wrestling with. For example, Joe was not taking ownership of his feelings, and Caroline, of her behavior. This issue of "ownership" is vital to any relationship, especially marriage.

Responsibility

Boundaries help us to determine who is responsible for what. If we understand who owns what, we then know who must take responsibility for it. If I could get Joe to see that his reactions were his problem and not Caroline's, then I could help him to take responsibility for changing his reactions. As long as he blamed Caroline for his reactions, then she had to change for his reactions to change. In his mind, if she were not so controlling, for example, he would not be so angry.

If we can discover who is responsible for what, we have an opportunity for change. If we can see that the problem is our problem and that we are responsible for it, then we are in the driver's seat of change. For the first time, we are empowered. When Caroline got a sense that she was responsible for the misery she thought Joe was causing, she was empowered to change that helpless, powerless feeling of misery, no matter what Joe was doing. Once she began to take responsibility for her reactions to Joe, she could work on changing them. For example, she learned not to let his anger affect her and to respond to him more directly. She also learned to stop nagging him to do things, and instead to ask him to do something and give him choices.

Responsibility also involves action. If something is going to happen, it's going to happen because we take action. We need to change some att.i.tudes, or behaviors, or reactions, or choices. We must actively partic.i.p.ate in the resolution of whatever relational problem we might have, even if it is not our fault.

Once Joe saw that his anger was his problem and not Caroline's, he took responsibility for it. He learned he was not going to be "not angry" because Caroline changed. He was going to be "not angry" because he grew and responded differently to what she did. He learned what Proverbs teaches us-that a lack of boundaries and anger go hand in hand: "Like a city that is broken into and without walls is a man who has no control over his spirit" (Proverbs 25:28 NASB). He learned not to react, but to think through his choices, to find where his anger and feelings of being threatened by her were coming from. Many other new things became part of his growth, but they all began with boundaries, with clarifying what he had to take responsibility for.

Each spouse must take responsibility for the following things: Feelings Att.i.tudes Behaviors Choices Limits Desires Thoughts Values Talents Love Responsibility tells us we are the ones who must work through our feelings and learn how to feel differently. Our att.i.tudes-not those of our spouse-cause us to feel distressed and powerless. How we behave and react is part of the problem, and we have to change these patterns. We allow ourselves to get pushed beyond certain limits and then become resentful or powerless. We do not turn desires into accomplished goals, or we do not deal with our sick desires.

Responsibility empowers us to have a good life. To give Adam and Eve the responsibility G.o.d gave them was to empower them to have the life all of us desire-one filled with love, wonderful surroundings, and lots of opportunities to use our abilities and talents. He gave them the ability and the opportunity to make the life they chose. When they did not choose in a life-giving way, they also bore the responsibility for that choice as well, just as we do.

But the good news of boundaries is that G.o.d's plan of responsibility has not changed. We are not at the mercy of our spouse's behavior or problems. Each spouse can act both to avoid being a victim of the other spouse's problems and, better yet, to change the marriage relationship itself. Later in this book we will show you how to change your marriage for the better, even if your spouse is not interested in changing. But the process always begins with taking responsibility for your own part in the problem.

Freedom

"His irresponsibility is making my life miserable," Jen began. She then went on to tell me a terrible story of how her husband had successfully avoided adulthood for many years at her expense. She had suffered greatly at the hands of his behavior, both financially and s.e.xually.

As I listened, though, I could see that her deep sense of hopelessness kept her in prison. I could see countless ways she could be free from her husband's patterns of behavior. She could make numerous choices to help both herself and the relationship. But the sad thing was that she could not see the same choices that were so clear to me.

"Why don't you stop paying for his mistakes and bailing him out? Why do you keep rescuing him from the messes he gets himself into?" I asked.

"What are you talking about?" Jen asked, alternating between m.u.f.fled sobs and a scornful expression. "There's nothing I can do. This is the way he is, and I just have to live with it."

I could not tell if she was sad about what she perceived as a hopeless case or angry with me for suggesting she had choices.

As we talked further, I discovered an underlying problem that kept Jen from making such choices. She did not experience herself as a free agent. It never occurred to her that she had the freedom to respond, to make choices, to limit the ways his behavior affected her. She felt that she was a victim of whatever he did or did not do.

This was the same problem troubling Joe and causing him to react so severely to Caroline. She would attempt to control him, and he would experience her attempts as actually controlling him. In reality, Caroline had no control over Joe whatsoever, and had he understood that, he would not have been so reactive to her. He did not see himself as a free agent.

G.o.d designed the entire creation for freedom. We were not meant to be enslaved by each other; we were meant to love each other freely. G.o.d designed us to have freedom of choice as we responded to life, to other people, to G.o.d, and to ourselves. But when we turned from G.o.d, we lost our freedom. We became enslaved to sin, to self-centeredness, to other people, to guilt, and to a whole host of other dynamics.

Boundaries help us to realize our freedom once again. Listen to the way that Paul tells the Galatians to set boundaries against any type of control and become free: "It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery" (Galatians 5:1 NASB). Jen felt herself enslaved by her husband's patterns of behavior and did not see the choices available to her. Joe saw himself as subject to Caroline's nagging attempts to control him. But G.o.d tells us to not be subject to any kind of enslaving control at all.

When someone realizes the freedom he or she has from a spouse or anyone else, many options open up. Boundaries help us to know just where someone's control begins and ends. As with the property lines above, so it is with relationships. Just as your next-door neighbor can't force you to paint your house purple, neither can any other human being make you do anything. It violates the basic law of freedom G.o.d established in the universe. For love to work, each spouse has to realize his or her freedom. And boundaries help define the freedom we have and the freedom we do not have.

Marriage is not slavery. It is based on a love relationship deeply rooted in freedom. Each partner is free from the other and therefore free to love the other. Where there is control, or perception of control, there is not love. Love only exists where there is freedom.

The Triangle of Boundaries

Three realities have existed since the beginning of time: Freedom Responsibility Love G.o.d created us free. He gave us responsibility for our freedom. And as responsible free agents, we are told to love him and each other. This emphasis runs throughout the whole Bible. When we do these three things-live free, take responsibility for our own freedom, and love G.o.d and each other-then life, including marriage, can be an Eden experience.

Something incredible happens as these three ingredients of relationship work together. As love grows, spouses become more free from the things that enslave: self-centeredness, sinful patterns, past hurts, and other self-imposed limitations. Then, they gain a greater and greater sense of self-control and responsibility. As they act more responsibly, they become more loving. And then the cycle begins all over again. As love grows, so does freedom, leading to more responsibility, and to more love.

This is why a couple who has been married for fifty or more years can say that the marriage gets better and better as time goes on. They become more free to be themselves as a result of being loved, and the love relationship deepens.

One woman said it this way: "Before I married Tom, I was so caught up in my own insecurities and fears to really even know who I was. I have been so blessed by the way he loved me. When I was afraid or irresponsible in the early years, he was patient, not reactive. He was strong enough to love me and require more of me at the same time. He did not let me get away with being like I was, but he never punished me for how I was, either. I had to begin to take responsibility for working through my barriers to love. I could not blame him for my faults. As he loved me more and more, I was able to change and let go of the ways that I was."

The really neat thing was that as I talked to this woman's husband, he said basically the same thing. Both had become a catalyst for growth for the other and for the relationship as well.

In this description we can see the three legs of the triangle. The spouses were free to not react to the other, they each took responsibility for their own issues, and they loved the other person even when he or she did not deserve it. She worked on her insecurities and changed them. And as they were both free from the other, they gave love to each other freely. And that love continued to transform and produce growth.

Remember, where there is no freedom, there is slavery, and where there is slavery, there will be rebellion. Also, where there is no responsibility, there is bondage. Where we do not take ownership and do what we are supposed to do with our own stuff, we will be stuck at a certain level of relationship, and we will not be able to go deeper.

Love can only exist where freedom and responsibility are operating. Love creates more freedom that leads to more responsibility, which leads to more and more ability to love.

Protection

The last aspect of boundaries that makes love grow is protection. Think of your house for a moment. You probably have some protection around your property somewhere. Some of you have a fence with a locked gate, for example, to protect your property from trespa.s.sers. Some people, if they were able, would come in and steal things that matter to you. As Jesus said, "Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces" (Matthew 7:6). You need to be careful and to protect yourself from evil.

Some of you do not have a fence, but you lock your doors instead. However you do it, you have a protective boundary available when needed to keep "bad guys" out. But your locked gate or door is not a wall, either. You need to be able to be open the gate or door when you want to invite "good guys" onto your property or into the house. In other words, boundaries need to be permeable. They need to keep the bad out and allow the good in.

As it is with your house, so it is with your soul. You need protective boundaries that you can put up when evil is present and can let down when the danger is over.

Regina had had enough. Married to Lee for nineteen years, she had tried to be loving until it had almost killed her emotionally. Lee had a long-standing problem with alcohol and also with anger. Sometimes the two problems would come together and make life unbearable for her. In addition, he would pick at her in an emotionally devastating way with biting, sarcastic remarks. "Nice dress-didn't they have it in your size?" was the kind of thing he would say. He would not help her with the kids either, seeing it as the "wife's job."

She was an adapting, loving person who had always tried to avoid conflict and to win people over with love. When people were mean, she would become nicer and try to love them more. The problem with Lee was that her love only gave him more and more permission to be unloving himself. His drinking and other behaviors continued to get more and more p.r.o.nounced, and she finally could not take it anymore.

She discovered that it was not good to be the silent sufferer. Some people at her church encouraged her to speak up to Lee about how his problems affected her. She took some courses on a.s.sertiveness and began to confront him.

Sadly, Lee did not listen. Sometimes he ignored her confrontations, at other times he apologized without changing, and at still other times he grew angry and defensive. But at no time did he take her words to heart, see how he was hurting her, and change.

Regina finally gave Lee a choice to own his problem and take responsibility for it, or to move out. She would no longer allow his drinking and anger to affect her and the children. She would take protective steps to "guard the good" and not let evil destroy it.

At first he did not believe her, but she stood her ground. Finally, he moved out. Had he not done so, she might have moved out herself or gone to court. But, seeing for the first time that his behavior had consequences, Lee took his problem seriously. He obtained some help and turned his life around. He and Regina were reconciled a year and a half later, and their marriage was saved.

Regina was happy that they were back together and that the marriage was doing well. This was a fruit of the protective stance she had so painfully taken. She had set some limits and boundaries to protect herself, her children, and ultimately her marriage from a destructive cycle.

Self-Control

There is a lot of misunderstanding about boundaries. Some people are against boundaries because they see them as selfish; other people actually use them to be selfish. Both are wrong. Boundaries are basically about self-control.

A client once said to me, "I set some boundaries on my husband. I told him that he could not talk to me that way anymore. And it did not work. What do I do now?"

"What you have done is not boundaries at all," I replied.

"What do you mean?"

"It was your feeble attempt at controlling your husband, and that never works." I went on to explain that boundaries are not something you "set on" another person. Boundaries are about yourself.

My client could not say to her husband, "You can't speak to me that way." This demand is unenforceable. But she could say what she would or would not do if he spoke to her that way again. She could set a boundary "on herself." She could say, "If you speak to me that way, I will walk out of the room." This threat is totally enforceable because it has to do with her. She would be setting a boundary with the only person she could control: herself.

When you build a fence around your yard, you do not build it to figure out the boundaries of your neighbor's yard so that you can dictate to him how he is to behave. You build it around your own yard so that you can maintain control of what happens to your own property. Personal boundaries do the same. If someone trespa.s.ses your personal boundaries in some way, you can take control of yourself and not allow yourself to be controlled, or hurt, anymore. This is self-control.

And ultimately, self-control serves love, not selfishness. We hope that when you take control of yourself, you will love better and more purposefully and intentionally so that you and your spouse can have the intimacy you desire.

Examples of Boundaries

In the physical world, many boundaries define property and protect it. Fences surround homes. Homes are built in gated communities. Most homes have doors and locks. In the old days, people even had moats with alligators.

In the immaterial world of souls and relationships, boundaries are different. You would look funny with a moat around your heart, and the alligators would require a lot of maintenance. So G.o.d has equipped us with special boundaries for the interpersonal realm. Let's look at some.

Words The most basic boundary is language. Your words help define you. They tell the other person who you are, what you believe, what you want, and what you don't. Here are some examples of words being used as boundaries: No, I don't want to do that.

No, I won't partic.i.p.ate in that.