Following up on guilt-ridden or compliant responsibilities can be quite costly, painful, and inconvenient. The lesson you need to learn is not to promise too much before you have done your spiritual and emotional calculations.

Step #11: Mature Boundaries-Value-Driven Goal Setting

Ben placed his pen down on the desk and looked over at his wife, Jan, satisfied. They had just spent a day together reviewing the last year and planning for the next one. This annual tradition had been developed over the past several years. It was a way for them to feel that their lives had some direction, some purpose.

Before they had begun setting goals together, life had been chaotic. Ben had been controlling and impulsive. They hadn't been able to save much money because of his spending habits. Though she was good with money, Jan had been compliant and nonconfrontive. So the more Ben spent, the more she withdrew and busied herself outside the house in volunteer missions.

Finally, after a great deal boundary work with a marriage therapist, Jan began setting limits on Ben's out-of-control behavior. She became more honest, less blaming, and much less resentful. Ben, in his turn, began developing more of a sense of responsibility toward the family. He even felt more tender toward his wife-even after she nailed him to the wall several times about his irresponsibility!

Ben smiled. "Honey," he said to her, "this last year has been a one-hundred-eighty degree change from the one before. We saved some money. We achieved some financial goals. We're more honest with each other. We like each other better. And you're not running off helping every committee in town who needs a volunteer!"

Jan responded, "Well, I don't need to anymore. I've got what I want here, with you, the kids, our church support group, and the ministries we work in. Tell you what. Let's plan what we want to do-with ourselves, with the Lord, with our money, and with our friends-and make next year even better!"

Ben and Jan were reaping the fruit of years of work. Their maturing boundary-setting abilities were paying off in all sorts of ways. After all, the ultimate goal of learning boundaries is to free us up to protect, nurture, and develop the lives G.o.d has given us stewardship over. Setting boundaries is mature, proactive, initiative-taking. It's being in control of our lives.

Individuals with mature boundaries aren't frantic, in a hurry, or out of control. They have a direction in their lives, a steady moving toward their personal goals. They plan ahead.

The reward for their wise boundaries is the joy of desires fulfilled in life. Their investments in the years G.o.d has given pay off for them. It's a lot like Paul reflected at the end of his life: The time has come for my departure. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. (2 Tim. 4:6a7) But does life interrupt the process of the person with mature boundaries? Won't there be trials, complications, and people wanting me on their track and not G.o.d's? Absolutely. The days truly are evil. There will be all sorts of resistances to our boundaries and goals.

But the person with mature limits understands that, makes room for that, allows for that. And he or she knows that, should it be needed, a no is waiting inside the heart-ready to use. Not for an attack. Not to punish another. But to protect and develop the time, talents, and treasures that G.o.d has allocated to us during our threescore and ten years on this planet (Ps. 90:10).

16.

A Day in a Life with Boundaries

Remember Sherrie from chapter one? She stumbled through the day in a haphazard, out-of-control fashion. Imagine, now, that Sherrie has read this book. She's decided to restructure her life within the clear boundaries we've outlined. Her day is now characterized by freedom, self-control, and intimacy. Let's take a peek in on her life with boundaries:

6:00 a.m.

The alarm sounded. Sherrie reached over and turned it off. I'll bet I can do without this alarm, she thought to herself. I've been awake for five minutes already. Getting seven or eight hours of sleep had long been a fantasy of Sherrie's-one which she'd always felt was unrealistic with a family.

Yet, it had begun to happen. The kids went to bed earlier now that she and Walt had begun setting better time limits with them. She and Walt even got a few minutes to relax together before bed.

The sleep goal didn't come without its price, however. Like the other night when Sherrie's mother had once again made her unexpected surprise visit. This time, she showed up at a time when Sherrie had to work on a science fair project with her son, Todd.

It had been one of the hardest things Sherrie ever had to say. "Mom, I want to visit with you. But this is a really bad time. I'm helping Todd finish up his solar system project, and he needs my full attention. You could come in and watch if you'd like, or I could call you tomorrow and plan a time for us to get together."

Sherrie's mother hadn't reacted well. The martyr syndrome had kicked in full force: "It's just as I've always known, Dear. Who'd want to spend time with a lonely old lady? Well, I'll just go home and be by myself. Like every other night."

At one time Sherrie would have folded under such a masterful onslaught of the "guilties." But Sherrie had, after lots of practice with her support group, decided how to handle her mom's unexpected visits. And she didn't feel so guilty anymore. Mom would be fine the next morning-and Sherrie would have had a good evening.

6:45 a.m.

Sherrie slipped into her new dress. It fit perfectly-two sizes smaller than she had worn a few months ago. Thanks, G.o.d for my new self-boundaries, she prayed. Her diet and exercise program had finally worked, not because she learned any new secrets about food and working out, but because she saw taking care of herself not as selfishness, but stewardship. She'd stopped feeling guilty about taking the time away from other things to work on her body. Getting in shape made her a better wife, mom, and friend. And she liked herself better.

7:15 a.m.

Amy and Todd were finished with breakfast and were taking their plates to the sink to rinse them and place them into the dishwasher. Sharing household tasks had become a comfortable habit for all members of the family. Sure, the kids and Walt had resisted, but then Sherrie stopped preparing breakfast until she got help with cleaning up. A miracle had happened with the kids and Walt. A light had gone on inside, saying, "If I don't work, I don't eat."

Even more satisfying was watching the kids get to their school rides on time, with a couple of minutes to spare. Beds made. Homework done. Lunches packed. Incredible.

Of course, the path to that place had been rocky. In the beginning, Sherrie had called the carpool parents and told them to wait a maximum of sixty seconds for her kids, then leave for school. And they did. When Amy and Todd missed their ride, they had accused Sherrie of betraying and humiliating them. "You just don't care about our feelings!" Tough words for a loving mother trying to learn boundaries.

Yet, with a fervent prayer life and a good support group, Sherrie held to her boundaries. After a few days of having to walk and being several hours late to school, the kids had begun setting their own alarms.

7:30 a.m.

Sherrie put her makeup on in front of her dresser. She was still not used to this after all those years of applying eyeliner in the car's rearview mirror. But she enjoyed the peacefulness-and left for work with a few minutes to spare.

8:45 a.m.

Walking into the conference room of McAllister Enterprises where she worked as a fashion consultant supervisor (the promotion had been for "leadership effectiveness"), Sherrie glanced at her watch. The meeting was about to start-with herself as chairperson.

Glancing around the room she noted that three key people weren't here yet. She made a note to chat with those colleagues. Maybe they were having boundary problems she could a.s.sist them with.

Sherrie smiled. She remembered the days-not too long ago-when she would have been grateful for someone at work to help her with the same problems. Thank you, G.o.d, for a church that teaches a biblical view of boundaries, she prayed. And began the meeting. On time.

11:59 a.m.

Sherrie's extension rang. She picked it up: "Sherrie Phillips," she said, waiting for the answer.

"Sherrie, thank goodness you're there! I don't know what I'd have done if you'd been at lunch!"

There was no mistaking that voice. It belonged to Lois Thompson. It was unusual for Lois to call these days. She didn't call much at all since Sherrie had begun addressing the imbalances in the relationship. She had confronted Lois over coffee: "Lois, it seems as though you always want to talk to me when you're hurting. And that's fine. But when I'm struggling, you're either unavailable, distracted, or uninterested."

Lois had protested that this wasn't at all true. "I'm a true friend, Sherrie," she said.

"I guess we'll find out. I need to know if our friendship is based on what I do for you-or on true friendship. And I want you to be aware of some boundaries I'm setting with us. First, I won't always be able to drop everything for you, Lois. I love you, but I simply can't take that kind of responsibility for your pain. And second, there will be times when I'm really hurting-and I'm going to call you and ask for support. I actually don't know if you know me and my pain at all. So we both need to find out."

Over the next few months, Sherrie had found out a great deal about this friendship. She found out that when she couldn't console Lois during her chronic emergencies, Lois would withdraw, hurt. She found out that when Lois was doing all right, she would ignore Sherrie. Lois never called just to see how Sherrie was doing. And she found out that when Sherrie herself called Lois with problems, Lois could only talk about herself.

It was sad to find out that a childhood connection had never really flourished into a mutual attachment. Lois simply couldn't come out of her self-centeredness enough to want to understand Sherrie's world.

But back to the phone call. Sherrie answered, "Lois. I'm glad you called. But I'm out the door. Can I call you back later?"

"But I need to talk to you now," came the sullen response.

"Lois, call back if you want to. Here are some better times."

They said their good-bys and hung up. Maybe Lois would call back, maybe not. More likely Lois's other friends were all busy, and Sherrie's name had come up next on the call list. Well, I'm sad that Lois isn't happy with me, Sherrie thought to herself. But people probably weren't too happy with Jesus when he withdrew from them to be with his Father. Trying to take responsibility for Lois's feelings was trying to own something G.o.d never gave me. With that thought, she went to lunch.

4:00 p.m.

Sherrie's afternoon pa.s.sed fairly uneventfully. She was on the way out of the office when her a.s.sistant, Jeff Moreland, flagged her down.

Without stopping her pace, Sherrie said to him, "Hi, Jeff-can you leave me a message? I need to be on the road in thirty seconds." Frustrated, Jeff left to write the message.

What a shift in the last few months. For Sherrie's boss to be her a.s.sistant wasn't something she had expected. Yet, when she had begun setting limits in her job and not covering Jeff's bases for him, Jeff's productivity had dropped dramatically. Jeff's irresponsibility and lack of follow-through emerged. His own superiors had, for the first time, become aware that he was the problem.

They had discovered that Sherrie was the driving force behind the design department. She was the one who made things happen. While Jeff took credit for all the work, he let her do it while he talked to friends on the phone all day.

Sherrie's boundaries had done their job: they had exposed his irresponsibility. They had clarified where the actual hole in the wall was. And Jeff had begun changing.

At first, he had been angry and hurt. He'd threatened to leave. But finally things had settled down a bit. And Jeff had actually begun being more punctual. He'd buckled down. The demotion had woken him up-let him see that he'd been riding on the coattails of others.

Sherrie and Jeff still had their problems. He had a hard time hearing no from her. And it was difficult for Sherrie to tolerate the resentment. But there was no way she'd trade problems with the Sherrie who'd had no boundaries.

4:30 p.m.

The session with Todd's fourth-grade teacher went well. For one thing, Walt had attended with Sherrie. Knowing he was supportive made a lot of difference. But more important, the hard boundary work that Sherrie and Walt were doing at home with Todd was beginning to pay off.

"Mrs. Phillips," said the teacher, "I'll admit, I took Todd with some reservations after consulting with Mrs. Russell, his third-grade teacher. But there is a significant improvement in your son's ability to respond to limits."

Walt and Sherrie smiled at each other. "Believe me," Walt said, "there was no magic formula. Todd hated doing homework, minding us, and taking responsibility for household ch.o.r.es. But consistent praise and consequences seem to have helped."