"Mary, Chai-chai and Mei-mei?" she asked hesitantly.

Nelly clasped her hand to her mouth, the motion, involuntary and clumsy. In all her dreams, she had pictured her children as they were when she left. She knew that after well-over twenty-five years, they would be adults. Yet in her mind, she held only an image of them as children, taller, bigger, yes, but nothing resembling the two adults standing before her. She could not recognise them. She turned to Mary.

"Mary? Is it you?" she asked again.

"Come, let's go and sit down. You are in shock." Mary smiled and, at that moment, Nelly saw, behind the wrinkles and shrunken outer-sh.e.l.l, the person who had helped her escape from her plight and who had looked after her children, her confidante, the woman who had been her previous husband's first wife. She took the hand extended to her and they went into the sitting room.

"This is your mother," said Mary to the man and woman beside her.

"Please, I have not come to claim them. I have lost all rights to call myself their mother," protested Nelly. "I just wanted to see them." She was shocked that Mary had spoken in that way. It was totally unexpected. When she had left all those years ago, she promised Mary that she would never come between her and the children and Mary had welcomed that promise.

Mary waved her hand dismissing Nelly's protest. "I have told them and I have explained everything. I made up my mind to do so after your friend, Jenny, called. I am getting old. I might not have much longer to live and I believe they have a right to know."

Nelly kept her gaze on the floor, apprehensive of the scorn and even hate that her children might show her. Her eyes were tightly shut, but this could not prevent the tears from oozing in a continuous trickle from their corners. She felt an arm around her shoulders, then, someone clasped her hand. She looked up at her two grown-up children, so different from what she had imagined but all that she had hoped and prayed for. "Forgive me," she asked.

"There is nothing to forgive," they replied in unison. "Mother, uh Mary, has explained everything."

"Please, you have to continue to call Mary, mother. Just call me sum, aunty." She lowered herself to the seat. She looked at Mary, seeking with her eyes, her permission. Mary nodded in encouragement and Nelly said, "Tell me about yourselves. Start from the very beginning. I want to know and share everything.

Nelly spent the night in Mary's house. The following day, she returned to Kuala Lumpur. In the short time she spent with her children and Mary, she learnt about all that happened after she left Singapore well over twenty-five years earlier. Several years after her departure, Woo Pik Soo, her husband and tormentor, had died of a ma.s.sive heart attack. Mary and the children were in Johor when the j.a.panese first started bombing Singapore and were able to escape the worst of the damage. After the war, the Woo's business flourished and both children excelled in school and eventually went on to study first at the University of Singapore and then later on in Australia.

It was clear to Nelly that both Chai-chai and Mei-mei were close to Mary and viewed her as their mother. They spoke without rancour because they understood how their birthmother, Nelly, needed to escape from the continuous beatings and abuse of their father. But she sensed in their tale that they did not miss her because in Mary they found the mother they had always believed they had. Nelly recalled her hurt when she first learnt that her children did not remember her. She could still recall that one occasion when she tried to make contact. They had looked at her without a flicker of recognition when she had gone to the school playground to see them. Over time the hurt had eased, replaced by an understanding and acceptance that the shift in affection and affiliation was inevitable. In fact she welcomed the outcome for their sake.

They had exchanged news late into the night until exhausted they went to bed. Nelly felt a renewed bond with her children. However, with a sharp twinge of guilt, she realised that this bond was not as strong as the one she shared with An Mei. It was at that point that she could see herself in Mary's place. I am to An Mei what Mary is to my own children. Yes, I will maintain contact with Chai-chai and Mei-mei, but I will still keep some distance to give Mary s.p.a.ce. She deserves it, she thought. The guilt that had plagued her for intruding into their lives after her abandonment of them seemed to dissipate after this decision. She sensed a real physical relief. They did not hate her. A serene smile crept over her face. Both children had pointedly asked her to stop calling them by their childhood nickname when in company.

"It would not do," said Mary "for you to call them by their childhood names. Professionally Chai-chai is Dr. Jeremy Woo and Mei-mei is Dr. Jane Woo. Jane is a medical doctor; Jeremy has a PhD in economics. They both adopted English names when they were studying abroad. They experienced such problems when they used their full Chinese names that eventually they gave in to the demands of their friends to have 'proper' names!"

"Jeremy, Jane," she whispered to herself, "hai ho tang, good sounding names."

"Where have you been?" An Mei asked the minute Nelly stepped from the train on to the platform in Kuala Lumpur. "Let me carry your holdall," she said taking the little grey bag from her aunt. "Why all that secrecy? Maan sook said that you turned up in the office and went out immediately leaving only a message for me. And what a message! 'I am going to Singapore and will be back shortly.' This is not like you. Why did you go? What is wrong? What happened?"

"What about a hug first?" replied Nelly, her face beaming with joy.

An Mei dropped the bag on the floor and hugged Nelly tight. "I missed you. I was so worried that father would call while you were away."

"Well," said Nelly, "it did worry me a bit, but I had to go. Let's get into the car and I'll tell you all about it."

Chapter 14.

An Mei wove her way between the chairs, desk and boxes of samples in the tiny office, arranging and re-arranging them. She could not settle down. She had tried calling Hussein but could not reach him and he had not called back. She could not bear the silence and felt herself wavering between the decisions open to her. What if he changed his mind under the pressure of his parents? Was he not there because he did not want to take her calls? Doubts crept into her mind. Then there was the phone call from her father asking how Nelly and she were getting on in the shops. He had not asked specifically about Hussein. He was, as Nelly had pointed out, pretending that nothing had happened. But the unspoken question was there. She felt it in every nuance, every question he asked. Nelly's sudden revelation on her return from Singapore added yet another dimension to her confusion - her aunt had a separate family of her own! How could that be? She could not bear sharing Nelly, even if it was with her own children.

Nevertheless her curiosity drove her to devour the photographs Nelly had bought back with a voracity that surprised even her. The young man, Jeremy, was tall and slim. His face had little of Nelly. She observed the strong chin, the determined mouth and the pair of steady eyes under thick eyebrows that spoke of strength and commitment. Involuntarily, she compared him to Hussein with his handsome brown face and charismatic charm. In Jane, she saw what Nelly might have been when she was young, with calm almond eyes, beautiful in their serenity and pale, pale skin. "She has such beautiful hair," she had complimented her aunt and was taken aback by the happiness and pride in Nelly's face. She felt a pang of jealousy and then remorse over her own selfishness.

Nelly watched her from the corner of the office. She had a stack of files in front of her and was going over the books and accounts. "Sit down or you will wear down the floor. I need you to help me out and learn this. You will take this over eventually."

"Are you going to tell father?" asked An Mei.

"You mean about my seeing Jeremy and Jane. Yes, but not right now. When I first met your father, I told him of my previous life. So, he knows about them."

"What should I do?" asked An Mei switching to her own immediate concerns. "Hussein is not returning my calls."

"Perhaps he does not know you called. When is he supposed to come to see you? Is he back on the East coast with his parents?"

"I believe so. I was so sure of what to do but now, after days of not hearing from him, I am confused once again. My resolve weakens each time I speak to father on the phone. I feel so guilty. I feel like I am cheating, lying to him."

"What you need is interesting work. With work, you will be able to focus your mind on something that has a beginning and an end. It leaves you less time to brood."

"Tell me Aunty Nelly. Am I right to come back to Kuala Lumpur to be with Hussein? Am I right to hurt my father with my selfishness, to involve you in this deception?"

"We've been through all these questions. There is never a clear right or wrong. But it is certainly wrong if Hussein is not prepared to commit himself. Then all the sacrifices you have made would be meaningless. You will have hurt your family for nothing. If that is the case, you should think of going back to Oxford before your father learns of our deception."

An Mei did not like being reminded that she might consider returning to Oxford. Her face changed from fretful to glum. She was so torn. When she was with Hussein, things seemed so much clearer, but away from him, one thought chased after another until she became completely muddled.

"Perhaps you need a more challenging job to keep your mind occupied," continued Nelly. "When I mentioned to Jeremy your interest in looking for work, he said that his bank's office in Kuala Lumpur is looking to recruit a banking executive. If selected, you will be trained. From what I understand from him, new recruits have to undergo rigorous training programmes. Then in the evenings, you could help me out with this," she said, pointing to the files of correspondence and accounts, "it would not be such a deception on my part because you will still be helping me out. I can say so with conviction to your father. You will also be too busy to fret like you are now." Nelly smiled to take the edge off her words. "Fretting is not going to get you anywhere. Perhaps, this will cheer you up. Jenny is back in Kuala Lumpur. She flew back yesterday. She was curious to know what happened at my meeting with my children and she has cut short her stay in Oxford. We are meeting her for dinner."

An Mei dressed with extra care that evening. She looked at the image in the mirror and for the first time in days, she smiled. The new hairstyle suited her. Nelly had sent her to the hairdresser, having failed to get her to settle down in the office. Her hair swung freely, a sheen of black descending to her bare shoulders. Nelly had given her a pair of gold and ruby stud earrings to wear with her simple white cotton shift, caught at the shoulders with two thin shoe string straps, and white high-heeled sandals. Her eyes shone with excitement. She had caught the sun and her skin glowed with health. Jenny had called again to say that she had managed to get hold of Hussein and had persuaded his parents to let him accompany her to a function. They were not in the East coast. They were in Kuala Lumpur because Hussein was being considered for a post in UMNO, the main Malay political party. An Mei could feel her heartbeat quickening. All thoughts and doubts as to why he had not called when he was in Kuala Lumpur temporarily left her mind.

Jenny gently nudged Hussein towards the sofa. She sat herself down. "We have time to talk before we meet up with An Mei and Nelly," she said looking up. "Do sit down," patting the seat adjacent to her. "It is such a strain to have you towering over me." She had collected Hussein from his family home and driven him to her house rather than the restaurant where they were to meet An Mei. "Now tell me everything."

He looked sheepish; he recalled the way he had answered her when she warned him of his parent's likely opposition. He had been rude, even insulting. He walked away from her and sat down on an armchair.

"You were right," he admitted, shrugging his shoulders, "my parents are dead set against our marriage. Father has conceded that I can continue seeing An Mei, but only if we are discreet and quiet about our relationship. At least for the moment, marriage will be out of the question unless I ignore my parents. This, however, would mean that I would have to sever my relationship with them and to tell you the truth, I am reluctant to do that."

Afraid, more likely, she thought to herself as she saw the nervous tick at the corner of his mouth. She was surprised at the change in him. The confident young man she knew in Oxford had all but disappeared.

Hussein pressed both his hands into his temple, ruffling his hair, feeling its unaccustomed shortness. He had cut his hair as his father had ordered. He could not bear to have Jenny staring and appraising him. He felt himself slipping away. The stranglehold of his familial ties had wiped out all the independence he had felt in England. The bravado he had shown to Jenny when he challenged her advice was long gone and in its place he could only offer excuses.

"I am so confused. They have packed each day with so much activity in the name of advancing my career that I have hardly any time to myself. I have not even been able to call An Mei," he confessed. "My parents are with me every single moment of the day. Can you help? Talk to them?"

"I would if I could, but I doubt they would pay much attention to me." Jenny paused, her brow etched with concern. "An Mei will be devastated. Have you told her the truth, that you cannot marry her? You have to. Otherwise, she will be deluded into staying and waiting for you."

"I tried to but she is convinced that, if I can find my own way and she hers, we will be able to marry once we are financially independent and that our parents would eventually reconcile themselves to the fact that we are in deeply in love."

"And you? Do you feel the same way?"

"I don't really know."

An Mei and Nelly were already seated at the table when Jenny and Hussein arrived. They made their way to the far corner of the dimly lit restaurant, threading carefully between the scatter of seats and tables around the central floor s.p.a.ce that had been kept clear for the evening's entertainment. Despite the return to normality, few of the tables were occupied. People were still wary of going out. A Malay folk dance group was promised as the night's attraction and already the drums and cymbals were laid out. A tinkling of chords sounded and suddenly, with a roll of drums, the dancers took to the floor. Lights flashed and as they flexed their bare feet and stamped to the music, jumping deftly between clapping bamboos, their anklet bells tinkled. Hussein seemed transfixed by the stylised gestures of the dancers, their brightly painted faces and elaborate hairstyles and costumes.

"Come, they are waiting for us," said Jenny impatiently, sensing his reluctance to move. She was determined that Hussein should tell An Mei the truth. Hussein's changed manner alarmed her. He was nothing more than a sh.e.l.l of the once dynamic young man at Oxford.

Hussein was even more nervous than he had been moments ago in Jenny's house. When they reached the table, all he could do was say h.e.l.lo to An Mei and Nelly. He looked at An Mei and then guiltily turned away to address Nelly. An Mei's face tugged at his heartstrings; he just could not bring himself to look her in the eye. He could not focus his thoughts; he fretted over Jenny's insistence that he should tell An Mei the truth. He smiled weakly. His eyes caught An Mei's briefly, and then, almost abruptly, he looked away again.

The smile on An Mei's face vanished. She was puzzled by his behaviour. The excitement and antic.i.p.ation that had led her to make such an effort with her appearance were extinguished as rapidly as they had arisen. Her shoulders sagged. Nelly, who was sitting next to her, could sense her changing emotions. She grasped An Mei's elbow, squeezing it gently to instil strength and give her support. She felt An Mei straighten herself imperceptibly.

"Let's order and get that out of the way," Jenny said, gesturing to the waitress to take the orders. "Then, we'll talk. Hussein wants to say something to you."

Hussein started. "Now?"

"Yes, now," answered Jenny, her voice firm and uncompromising.

Irritated by Jenny's insistence, his resentment at being manipulated by everyone surged. He felt betrayed by Jenny, when he thought she should help him out. "All right, I will, but not here. And not in front of everyone," he said, all traces of the uncertainty and guilt that had clouded his face earlier, gone. "Come An Mei, let us get out of here."

So saying he took her hand and, half dragging her to her feet, ushered her out of the restaurant without a backward glance at the two older ladies. Once they were outside in the courtyard, he turned to An Mei. His eyes that had been waxing and waning in guilt and confusion suddenly came into focus. And An Mei saw the decisive Hussein of old. Yet, something had changed. She could not place it and withdrew her hand from his tight grasp.

"I love you," he said in a rush. "I want you to share a life with me. Isn't it enough to be with me and to share in every aspect of my life? Is marriage so important that you would rather relinquish our being together for its sake? You will be my wife in every sense of the word, except officially. Wouldn't that be enough?"

The words poured out of him, the same words that his father had said to him day in and day out for the past week. He had insisted that Hussein could have An Mei as his soul mate so long as it was not official. "If she loves you," he had said, "that should suffice for her. If she loves you," he had repeated, "she would do this for you and she would understand. Test her." Gradually, Hussein's original views weakened. He felt that the only way he could have An Mei was to do as his father bade him. Jenny's insistence that he told An Mei the truth to set her free angered him. He wanted An Mei and the more he spoke the words of his father to her, the more convinced he became that this was the best way out of his dilemma. He had no doubt about his love for An Mei, but equally he was in no doubt that he would find it hard to make a life of his own without the support of his parents. And if they were to be actively against him, all chances of his making good in politics would be gone. To be part of the ruling political party was now within his grasp and already he could see himself rising in its ranks. To deal in politics in Oxford, surrounded by peers and teachers who hail independence of thought and freedom of speech, was entirely different from the real world of politics. It was, as his father and mother kept reminding him, not a question of how qualified you are, but how many strings could be manipulated to help you.

An Mei tried to pull away from him. He reached out to restrain her, accidentally catching her shift dress at the waist. There was a sound of tearing as the shoulder strap gave way under the strain of his tug and her pull.

"No!" she cried out, drawing the bodice of her shift closer to her. The sharp sound and her cry brought two waitresses running out to the courtyard. Already puzzled by the earlier commotion when Hussein unceremoniously marched An Mei out to the courtyard, they had been hovering by the door to follow what was happening.

"Can we help?" they asked looking at An Mei's distraught face, worried that the restaurant would become caught up in a dispute between the couple. They knew from recent events that what seemed like a quarrel between lovers could turn into an ugly fight when people of two different ethnic origins were involved.

Hussein turned to them in fury. "Go! This does not concern you. We are just having a discussion."

"No! Don't go," An Mei called to the two girls. Turning to Hussein, she said, "I have nothing more to say to you. You have changed. You were the one who persuaded me to come back to KL with you. I defied my parents for you and broke their hearts. I thought we had agreed that we should make our own way and marry and that we should then win over our parents into accepting our marriage. You have reneged on all we agreed. Go! If anyone is to go, it should be you." She turned, brushing his hand away from her and, holding her dress strap, began heading back into the restaurant.

Hussein ran after her. "So you don't love me enough. My father is right."

Tears of self-pity gleamed in his eyes. An Mei halted mid-stride. She brought her hand to his face, wiping his wet face with her palm and whispered, "It is you who do not love me sufficiently."

"Please don't say no. Think about it," he pleaded.

The anger in her was fast subsiding and pity grew in its place. He was not as strong as she had thought. She would have to be strong for the two of them. She realised that deep down she still felt Hussein was part of her.

"In England, people do not necessarily marry to be together. Can we not adopt this att.i.tude, so that we can be together at least? I love you," he pleaded.

"This is not England," she replied, but with each word her will weakened and when he put his arms around her and clasped her to him she felt her resolve losing ground.

"Let me think about it." Pushing him away, she walked back into the restaurant.

"No! No! Don't do it. I have some hope of persuading your father to accept the situation if you were to marry, but I have no hope at all if you just live together." Nelly was furious with Hussein and frustrated by An Mei's seeming inability to defend herself against him. She wanted to shake some sense into her. She wanted to take Hussein by the collar and slap him. Her voice, normally low and quiet, rose. She brought her fist down on the table like a cleaver.

Jenny, startled by Nelly's unaccustomed violence, stood up, toppling her seat behind her. "I am going to speak to Hussein. But please keep your voice down," she said before hurrying away to look for him.

Unheeding, Nelly continued, "What an insult! How could Hussein ask you to hang around, be here for him, while he offers you nothing in return? Think, An Mei, your father will not agree to this and he will disown you. You will break his heart. And what about your mother and me? We will be placed in an impossible situation. I cannot continue with this lie and keep you here for Hussein under such conditions. Will you risk losing your family for someone who does not even want to share his name with you?"

People turned in their direction, attracted by the loud voice. Waitresses flocked around the table, keen to hear what was being said. An Mei bowed her head with embarra.s.sment. "Please, can we leave?"

Once back in the house, An Mei ran up the stairs and into her bedroom. She bolted her door. Abandoning all attempts to hold on to her dress, she let go of the strap. The shift fell immediately to her ankles and she stepped out of it. Pulling the bedclothes off her bed, she draped them around her and went out onto the balcony. The night air was warm, but she shivered as it came into contact with her bare skin. She sank down on the floor, the tiles cold against her b.u.t.tocks. Cross-legged, she sat covered by the clothes she had gathered around her and inhaled deeply on the night air. A rich, almost over-powering perfume of Jasmine filled her lungs.

She sat there for a long time, upright, her face turned upward to the night sky, eyes closed, oblivious to the pounding on the door and Nelly's anguished voice asking her to come out and talk with her. The pounding ceased. There was a scuttle of footsteps as she went away. Then, she returned and she spoke again, but much softer this time, "I am sorry. I spoke too harshly. I've left a gla.s.s of water for you outside the door. I will be in my bedroom, when you are ready to talk. Yeong-yeong to yow tuk seong leong. All things can be discussed and solved."

An Mei heard her footsteps receding, and then all was quiet except for the sounds of the night. The humming of insects filled her ears, interspersed by the chik-chak calls of the geckoes. She dropped her head to the palm of her hand and wept, the hot tears seared through her skin.

"G.o.d, please help me. What shall I do?"

She sat still, her face wet with tears that just would not stop flowing. The darkness grew, lights faded as households went to sleep. Still she sat there. Hours pa.s.sed. Dawn broke. The first glimmer of sunlight peeped through the strata of clouds on the horizon, breaking into thin wavelengths of colour: orange, mahogany red against a background of clear bright blue. In the distance, a c.o.c.k crowed, dogs barked. Then imperceptibly, almost without notice, the cool dampness of the night air gave way to the growing heat of the sun. An Mei got up. Her legs could hardly bear her weight after the long hours of being twisted in a wedge under her body. She made her way to her bed, crawled into it and fell asleep.

Chapter 15.

An Mei opened the door of the study quietly and peeped into the room. Nelly was sprawled on an armchair; her head lolled to one side of the backrest. Her eyes were closed and her arms hung loosely on either side of the chair. The maid had warned An Mei that Nelly had been up the whole night waiting for her to come to speak to her. When morning came and there was still no sign of An Mei, Nelly had tried to break open An Mei's bedroom door. Failing that, she then tried positioning a ladder on the flowerbed below to climb up to the balcony to check on An Mei. Finally succ.u.mbing to the restraints of the cook, she had run from one room to the other like a mad woman, until, exhausted, she had fallen asleep on the armchair.

An Mei tiptoed to her aunt and knelt down beside her. She placed an arm around her aunt and laid her head on her knees. Nelly woke up and immediately clasped An Mei to her, bending her head to kiss An Mei's.

"I know what I should do," said An Mei. "I will keep myself occupied with work, as you suggested. I will stay on in KL, help you out in the evenings and get a job during the day. I need that to be independent. That way, we will fulfil our commitment to father. I won't be Hussein's mistress because that is essentially what he is offering me. Instead I will wait for him to find himself and change his mind about marriage. Until then, I will not be his."

"Dear girl, you are not proposing to wait for him forever, are you? You have a whole life before you."

"I am taking things one step at a time. I cannot give him up at this point. But, who knows, I might give him up with time. Until then, I will just wait."

Nelly drew An Mei to her feet and stood up. "I am sorry for all those harsh words. I know I was wrong to try to force you into my way of thinking. I was so angry with Hussein. I was so frightened for you. I have such hopes for you."

"I know. You are right. Malaysia is not England. I will not be able to start again to find a life partner here if I were to so freely and publicly give myself away. I am not sure that this might not be true even in England amongst the Chinese community. The Age of Aquarius has certainly not arrived in this country. I feel tainted, dirty. Perhaps in a few years' time, things might change. All I wish to do for the moment is to achieve something for myself."

"You are not tainted," protested Nelly. She lowered her gaze briefly, recalling her conversation with Mei Yin when she had voiced her fears about society's views on s.e.x before marriage. "You are right. Perhaps, time will solve things for us."