"Nor he ain't eating twelve dollar dinners at the Ritz, neither," she reminds me, at which of course I shut up and she went on. "Now I dont believe being stingy to ourselves is really gonner help the war. You have strode in upon my department for once, Mary Gilligan, and I'm going to put you out! You don't know where to economize and I do. No more eating out, and a good sensible table at home, minus cream cakes," she says, "is what we do from now on!"

And with that she marches out leaving me flat as one of her own pan-cakes. Well, this was bad enough, but when Musette got after me as I was dressing to go for my five miles, I seen that my humbling for the day was not finished.

"That dress Madam bought yesterday," she began.

"You can have it!" I said, beating her to it, or so I thought.

"Thank you, I do not care for it," says Musette. "I was just remarking it is really not fit to wear again. Madam would of done better to pay a little more!"

Can you beat it? You can not! Two falls from one pride! Believe you me I took _some_ walk that afternoon, and if I had wore a speedomiter I bet it would have registered a lot over five miles. And while I was walking I kept getting madder and madder and more and more worked up over what boneheads people was and how was a person to economize nowadays and how on earth would I sell all them stamps by Sat.u.r.day night with a matinee in between and keep my promise to President Wilson? It begun to look like I was going to have to become one of them sidewalk pests. I got a real good picture of myself going up to the proud or pesky pa.s.ser-by, and getting turned down so often that my spirit was bent thinking of it.

But--believe you me--I made up my mind that if I had to hold up anybody to make them invest in the World's Soundest Securities or W.S.S. I would hold them up good and plenty and no disguise about it. I thought again about my revolver, the one which I had used it in the movies when I done "The Dancer's Downfall" for them and kept it for a souvenir. I was that wrought up over the situation that by the time I got home I had pretty near decided I'd take that fire-arm to the theatre and lock the doors and come down front center and shoot out one of the lights to show I meant it and then take the money right off the audience. The theatre being my native element it seemed only natural to pull the trick there, only being a lady the gun really did look a little rough only not more so than the public deserved.

V

WELL, anyways, I was certainly up against it with all them blanks still on my hands and no way in sight of getting rid of them. And just to make things nice and pleasant, what do I see when I come on the stage that night but Ruby Roselle and her pet lounge-lizzard which were sitting in a box. She certainly seems to go in for reptiles for pets. And no sooner did I get off after my eighth curtain call, than around she comes to my dressing room and hands me a check for her stamps and for the ones she had undertaken to sell and already had.

"I suppose yours is all sold too!" says Ruby. "You are so efficient, dearie!"

"Oh, mine are all right!" I snapped. "Or will be by this time to-morrow."

"Why, ain't they gone?" she cooed. And did I wish for my gun? I did!

"Ain't you give any of them cards out yet?" she says.

"No!" I says. "But I will--I'll commence with you, dear Miss Roselle," I says. "And here you are"--and I filled out the receipt cards which I had a few in my vanity case for emergencies, and give them to her. When she took them I noticed she had a awful funny look in her eye, but at the time it meant nothing to me. Alas! Would I had heeded it more--but no--solid ivory! Solid ivory! I pa.s.sed it up completely. And Ruby grabbed the cards, collected her new pet animal, and went away.

Well, my state of mind that night was distinctly poor, even after the nice little well-ballanced war-ration of hot chocolate and corn bread with brown sugar which Ma had for me and delicious as anything you ever ate if she did get the recipe out of a newspaper and they so unreliable nowadays. But no letter from Jim, and so after I had asked Ma if she thought it was right to wear black, I went to bed and fell into a exhausted sleep which lasted well on toward the box-office man's afternoon on, because Ma always lets me sleep late when I have to dance twice.

Well, anyways, I was so rushed getting to the theatre for the matinee that I hadn't no time to try any of that sidewalk stuff, only I did get a cheque from each of the other committee members and told Ma to send them receipt cards. And did I feel cheap? I _did!_ A flivver, that was what I had made. But so long as Jim was surely dead by now, I didn't care for myself. Only my promise to Mr. Wilson made a lump in my throat while doing my three hand-springs and the "Valse Superb," which shows how bad I felt. And what do you know, when I took my encore, there was Ruby Roselle again, down in front and all alone.

This got about the last b.u.t.t out of my goat and I sent an usher to get her, but Ruby had went before the usher had made up her mind to undertake the mission. I was just about wild all the way home, and the sight of Ma's face when I got there almost made me cry it was that sweet and friendly. Honest to Gawd when Ma has got her own way about anything she is just lovely to be with! And having got the kitchen back and the grandest dish of baked beans all full of mola.s.ses and salt pork for dinner, she was feeling fine and I was the same under her influence and even let her play "Sing Me to Sleep" with the loud pedal on Jim's souvenir afterwards and never said a word to her about it, though suffering while I listened. And then it was time to go back to the theatre and I took Musette and that whole box of gilt edged securities which seemed no good to n.o.body, but I took them, and a good yet bad thing I did, for on the way downtown I decided what to do, and when I got there, called the ushers and gave them instructions and a little something else by way of promoting kindly feelings. And then with beating heart I beat it for the dressing room and commenced rubbing on my make-up cream with trembling fingers.

Did you ever make one of them critical decisions which you knew in your heart you was actually going to carry it through and no camouflage, even if it killed you and it very likely to? Well, when I decided to make a speech right out in public I got that feeling--do you get me? And any Elk or other lodge member which attends annual banquets will know what I mean. Honest to Gawd I nearly missed my cue, and after I finally got on the stage the dance I did must of been either automatic or a inspiration and I don't know why they liked it out in front, but they did. All I personally myself could hear was "Ladies and Gentleman, I want to speak a word to you,"--You know! And hand-springs in between!

Well of course when I come out for my first encore I didn't have the wind to say nothing--But my eyes was as good as ever and there in a box was Ruby Roselle again!

Believe you me--that was a jolt and a half! Here she had come to give me the laugh I had no doubt, and somehow after the second call my wind was all of a sudden back good and strong, and with it came my courage. For I wouldn't of been downed by her, not for anything!

So stepping foreward in a modest manner I held up my hand and the house got quiet and listened. As I have said, the show was at the Spring Garden, and it's awful big and I had never knew how full of silence it could be until I heard the sound of my own voice all alone in it. But after a minute I got used to it, and so interested in trying to convince the folks, that I didn't care.

"Ladies and Gentlemen," I says. "This is going to be a plain, good old-fashioned hold-up! If you listen hard, maybe you'll hear the screams of the women and children, and the groans of the wounded pocket-books!

Far be it from me to do anything so unrefined as to actually use a gun on you," I says, "but I'm going to do the next thing to it. I'm going to sell eleven thousand dollars worth of W.S.S. right here and now, and you are going to buy them. I know all of you has probably been buying them all day and is sick of them, but I have personally promised President Wilson to do as much by to-night without fail and you must help me make good. And no matter how many you have bought," I says, "unless you have a thousand dollars worth you can spend another ten or so apiece. Now, as I say, I know this is a hold-up, because it is meant to be. And any public which can sit here in a theatre and feel anoyed at having to buy a few stamps when a million of our boys is over in far-away, sort of unreal France, giving their lives, had ought to have a machine gun turned on them from this stage instead of a line of talk! Probably this is the first time in the history of finances that it has been necessary to jolly a crowd into making a good investment. If I was selling stock in a fake gold mine," I says, "you would probably be climbing on the stage to get it! Now will everybody willing to take ten dollars worth kindly stand up?"

There was a few laughs, and a few people got up here and there, sort of shamefaced.

"Come on!" I says. "Come on--are you all cripples? You over there--only ten dollars--save it on next months grocery bill--all right--save it on your auto bill!"

A few more got up then, but not nearly enough and I caught sight of Goldringer in the wings by then and not having warned him what I was going to do, I could tell by his expression that I mustn't hold the stage too long or a militaristic system would right away be born in our theatre. So I got desperate.

"No more!" I called. "Oh, come on get up! Will I send for crutches, or are you only shy? Remember, I got that money promised! Only ten dollars each!"

But no more stirred. For a minute I thought my flivver was complete, and then I got a idea. I went over and beckoned to George, the orchestra leader, and shaking all over at my own nerve, I whispered to him.

George grinned and pa.s.sed along the whisper to his crew, and in another minute that audience was standing, every last one of them, and--believe you me--the Star Spangled Banner had never sounded so good to me before!

Well, anyways, my pep all come back and I jumped off the stage as I see the ushers couldn't possibly handle the orders alone, and wait or no wait, the way that audience took my hold-up was something grand, it was that good natured, although of course a Broadway crowd gets sort of hardened to having their money taken away from them roughly. They was lambs, and took cards so fast I couldn't have shuffled them good if it had been a game.

Well, anyways, when I finally got back to my dressing-room and the trained animals had come on at last--believe you me--I was all in, but not a card left, and not alone eleven thousand dollars but thirteen-fifty in actual cash! I didn't worry none about having too much as I never see a committee yet which couldn't use more money than it had ast for, the White Kittens always having a deficit. And then I just put the boodle away safe in my tin make-up box which I had emptied because it locked good, and took me and Musette and it home to Ma.

Well, that was about all for that, and I had a fine sleep that night after sending the President a wire telling him I had the money all right. And if only the censor had loosened up, I would have been perfectly happy, with all that cash in my little Burglar's Delight over the mantle-piece and a good real energy-making breakfast coming to me in the morning.

But alas for false security, as the poet says. No sooner had Ma and me ate breakfast next morning than in came Musette and says there are two gentlemen outside wants to see me. Well, it seems they wouldn't give their names so I says show them in for on account of Ma always making us dress in real clothes for breakfast Sundays, it was alright.

Well, in come two gentlemen then, and it was easy to see one was a cop.

Why he didn't have green whiskers or something I dont know because the one citizen you can always spot is a cop, and that tweed suit was no disguise, although he seemed to think so. I got a awful funny feeling in my stomach at this sight although there was nothing on my mind but my hair pins. The other was a gentleman and no disguise about him, and I sort of took to him right away and dropped my society-comedy manner which is such a good weapon of defense against strangers because I knew right away he would see through it on account of him being the real thing.

"Miss LaTour?" he says politely.

"Yes," I says, "what can I do for you?"

"Alias Mary Gilligan?" says the cop, which was right in character and hadn't ought to of got Ma's goat like it done.

"Alias nothing!" says Ma. "Gilligan is her right name and you can see my marriage certificate and the date is on it plain!"

"Better leave this to me for a moment, O'Rourke," says the nice gentleman, about Pa's age, he must have been. Then he turns to me while the cop took a back seat.

"Miss LaTour," the gent. began, "I am one of the local W.S.S.

committee--Pioneer Division--Pierson Langton is my name. And I have come to see you concerning your sale last night!"

Well--believe you me--the minute I heard his name I had him spotted! One of the F. F. V's of N.Y. and I had often seen his name in the paper with war-work and all.

"Do sit down, both!" I says real cordial. "I am so glad to see you! It's kind of you to come, because of course I was going to bring you the money the first thing in the morning! Just wait till I get my make-up box!"

And without giving him time to say another word I hurried out and got it, the cop watching me with his hand on his hip. When I come back and give Mr. Langton the box and key, he looked real surprised.

"Twenty-five thousand cash!" I says. "Would you mind counting it?" He give me one of the funniest looks I ever had handed out, but he done like I asked. Then he got up, box under one arm, and bowed, and sat down again.

"Miss LaTour," he said. "I think I win a bet with our friend O'Rourke, here! I was sure you were all right. Your reputation was on the face of it too valuable for such an open fraud. And your utter disingenuousness is the final proof!"

"Fraud! What do you mean?" I gasped.

"There's been a complaint about your selling W.S.S. without no authority!" says O'Rourke at this. "Entered last night by Miss Ruby Roselle. We got your cards here, that she handed in. But you ain't got no stamps! I dont know but what we ought to make a arrest, Mr. Langton!"

"I will be obliged to you if you will let the matter drop for the moment," says Mr. Langton. "This young lady acted in good faith, I am convinced. And now, Miss LaTour, perhaps you will tell us how this all came about?"

Well, did I tell him? I did! I never told anything readier. And then I took out the President's letter which I had it on me, and told how I had writ to him at once, partially because I couldn't read the other fellows name.

"I accept the reproof," said Mr. Langton. "I will get a rubber-stamp to-morrow!"