You done yet, r.e.t.a.r.d?

DAVE:.

f.u.c.k ou.

RUSS:.

Jesus. Someone take his phone away.

DAVE:.

f.u.c.k you.

Dwayne Devero couldn't remember a single week that had gone as well as the first week of playoffs. Sure, the police were visiting his office and watching him coach, but still ... All of his accounts were paying on time. Several paid early. And Estelle continued to amaze him at home (and at the office) with her perky, playful att.i.tude and untethered s.e.xual energy.

The next two games the Tigers played that week both ended up being incredible. Both had been close, but the boys never gave up. They pulled off solid wins each time.

The Tigers continued to grow as a team. Under Dwayne's reign, kids who had never shown an ounce of ability were stepping up and delivering. Outfielders were hitting their cutoffs. Players were backing up plays. They were keeping the ball in front of them, letting nothing get past. The batting lineup began to deliver from top to bottom. Quality base hits were coming out of kids who had never made contact. They had confidence for the first time ever.

But Steve Winwood was losing it. He had become an increasingly paranoid nervous wreck. The other coaches could hardly stand to talk to him.

Detective Loffland had been to every playoff game thus far-gathering intelligence and trying to find anything that would help him solve the recent disappearances and murders of the local elite. This drove Steve absolutely nuts. He was certain the detective would storm onto the field at any time and throw them all in cuffs.

That didn't happen, though. And because it continued not to happen, Russ Paisley became more and more emboldened. He had increased his cocaine and LSD intake considerably. He bragged about waking up naked with a female midget wrestling team, a support group of blind s.e.x addicts, and his favorite, a tribe of Native Americans who filled him with peyote, painted him blue, and pierced his nose.

Dr. Tommy Johnson, however, appeared to not notice Russ and Steve's journey toward opposite ends of the spectrum. He and Kelly had been inviting Jade over nearly every night after Russ pa.s.sed out. Dr. Tom experimented constantly with the latest and greatest b.o.n.e.r pills to the point that he was getting maybe an hour or two of sleep per night. Jedi s.e.x had taken over his life.

Dwayne carefully watched each of them as they evolved. None of them appeared to be handling their newfound powers the way he had hoped. Balance was something that Dwayne felt must exist in the life of the Urban Caped Crusader Ninja Grandmaster Jedi. There had to be joy. There had to be justice. There had to be true love. There had to be a life worth getting b.l.o.o.d.y and fighting for. There had to be a code. And there had to be the willpower to abide by that code.

And above all ... there had to be baseball.

As they entered the final week of the playoffs, Dwayne felt that he should gather the crew for a round of golf to discuss how the Jedi Alliance should proceed.

DWAYNE:.

Golf anyone?

TOMMY:.

I've had an erection for three days straight. If that doesn't bother you, I'm in. I probably won't even need clubs.

STEVE:.

It won't do me any good to fight you. I might as well just agree to it. I think we need to talk about the cops too. I can't sleep. I know they're watching.

RUSS:.

Holy f.u.c.kb.a.l.l.s, man! What f.u.c.king time is it? OH JESUS! I think I'm in a tree house or something! I took SO MUCH acid last night! I think I f.u.c.ked a squirrel!

DWAYNE:.

Okay then. 8:30 at the club.

RUSS:.

s.h.i.t! I'm painted blue again! The Indians are back!

TOMMY:.

Native Americans, Russ. Show some respect.

Russ climbed down from the tree house and attempted to get his bearings. He gathered that he was two blocks away from his house. He sprinted all the way home, bright blue and totally nude, clutching his phone in his hand as he ran. The morning jogging group from the neighborhood seemed almost disappointed that he outpaced them when he pa.s.sed them rounding the corner to his street. He arrived at his home to find that a teepee had been constructed in his front yard, and Jade's Jeep was missing. He hopped back on the text chain.

RUSS:.

Has anyone see Jade?

TOMMY:.

*ahem*

RUSS:.

WTF, TOMMY?! I swear to G.o.d I'm cracking a f.u.c.king 3-wood over your head today! I don't care what Jade does with Kelly, but if you get up in there I'm TOTALLY having s.e.x with your wife!

TOMMY:.

Good one, Russ. You're a quivering little fatbody with hair plugs and a tiny p.e.n.i.s. She'd laugh herself unconscious.