"That's bada.s.s, man," Dwayne said. "Pretty big change in performance levels between a street racer and a limo, though, I'd a.s.sume."

Uzi smiled confidently. "It's always the driver, sir. It's rarely the car. You'd s.h.i.t a brick if I showed you what I can do with this thing. Oh, dammit. Pardon my language, sir."

Dwayne definitely liked this kid. "I'm looking forward to it," he said to Uzi. "And don't worry about the language. I'm guessing the group you're driving tonight is going to be a lot different than the groups you normally drive. We're going to get along just fine. I'll go ahead and warn you about Russ, though. He'll be the short, fat, hairy guy with the stripper wife. I'm going to tip you really well at the end of the evening ... but I'll tip you a lot more if you don't take any s.h.i.t from him."

"Understood, sir."

"I'm not sir. I'm Dwayne, and it's good to meet you, Uzi. Please excuse all of the drugs in your limo tonight. We'll pa.s.s the joints your way too. And don't roll that window divider up. You're one of us now."

Uzi nodded.

They arrived at Tommy's house. Tommy and Kelly Johnson came through their front door looking like the epitome of American success. Tommy was dressed in a slender-cut black Prada suit, a thin black Tom Ford tie, and Gucci shoes. Kelly looked stunning in a dark blue low-cut Vera w.a.n.g dress that was cut high up the side to show off her gorgeous legs. Her Jimmy Choo heels made her calves look carved from stone.

Uzi held open the limo door for the dashing pair. Dwayne and Estelle poured a gla.s.s of wine for Kelly and a tall Scotch for Tommy.

The two couples managed to knock back a couple of drinks on the way to Russ's house. They knew they'd need to be loosened up to deal with him. They had no idea what to expect from Jade. She was half their age, had lived in a trailer her whole life until her marriage to Russ, and had been an exotic dancer since she was fifteen years old.

Russ had always been a loose cannon. He had simply become looser since the alliance formed. It concerned Dwayne. He'd have to keep an eye on him.

The limo pulled up to Russ's monstrosity of a home. Parked out front were Russ's red Ferrari, Jade's bright yellow lifted Jeep, and a fifteen-year-old tan Buick. The front door opened, and out walked Russ and Jade. Russ wore a bright blue custom-made three-piece velvet suit, a light grey silk shirt, and a silver tie. He tied the outfit together with light blue patent leather shoes. Jade was wearing an almost uncomfortably tight, tiny, sheer white dress. Her nipple rings and bright red thong were visible through it from across the yard.

"Oh, sweet baby Jesus," Kelly said under her breath.

"Well? What do you think?" Russ asked. "Jade picked it out. She wanted me to dress young."

"Great choice, Jade," Dwayne said, offering a thumbs-up. "He looks amazing."

"Pardon me, sir," Uzi jumped in. "For the record, I'm young, and young people don't dress like that ... unless they're in the NFL, maybe."

Russ glared at Uzi. "Who the f.u.c.k invited the Chinese midget?" Russ asked.

"I'm Korean, for the record. Name's Uzi. What's yours? DJ Jazzy Russ? MC Velvet?"

Russ looked at Tommy and Dwayne, who were doing everything they could to keep a straight face. Dwayne handed a joint to Uzi.

"Jesus, guys," Russ said. "I really f.u.c.king like this kid. Jade, get your sweet a.s.s in the limo. Uzi, spark that joint up and let's get this party started."

Jade flashed her underwear to everyone in the vehicle several times while getting comfortable. She finally settled in next to Kelly. "I've never been with a black woman before," she whispered in Kelly's ear.

Kelly wasn't sure that she'd heard Jade correctly and smiled politely.

"Hey, Russ, what's up with the Buick in your driveway?" Dwayne inquired.

"That belonged to Rosie, the sweet old freak that spent the night last night, G.o.d rest her soul," he said back.

"Oh my G.o.d, you guys," Jade jumped into the conversation. "You should've seen the stuff she did with Russ! I mean, she was really old, but she was really limber too! She could put her good leg all the way behind her head!"

Estelle and Kelly looked confused. Tommy looked nauseous.

"Did anyone else know she spent the night at your place?" Dwayne asked.

"No way, bro," Russ said. "Jade picked her up at the drug store. She followed Jade home. That old broad was just looking for a party. She even let Jade wax her."

"It was crazy!" Jade laughed. "She was so stretchy!"

"That's awesome, Jade," Dwayne said flatly. "What about the car, Russ?"

"Dave's coming back for it."

"Cool."

Russ pulled a pill bottle out and dumped a few pills in his hand. "Anybody want some really pure ecstasy?"

Russ popped one in his mouth, and then set one in Jade's hand. Everyone else pa.s.sed, except for Uzi, who reached his arm to the back. Russ dropped a pill in his hand.

Dwayne handed Russ a gla.s.s of Scotch and Estelle handed Jade a gla.s.s of red wine. Jade politely accepted the wine, and made a request to stop and get beer on the way. Uzi had gotten the joint going strong. He pa.s.sed it back through the window to Tommy, who gladly toked away before pa.s.sing it to the others. Russ dug around in his jacket pocket again, and this time he pulled out a small mirror, a straw, and tiny ziplock bag full of c.o.ke. He dumped the c.o.ke on the mirror, carved out a few lines, snorted two of them, and pa.s.sed it to Jade. Jade blew two lines also.

"WOOOOOHOOOOO!" she yelled. "Who's next?"

Dwayne, Estelle, Tommy, and Kelly all pa.s.sed. Uzi reached his arm back again. She placed the mirror and straw in his hand. Five loud "snorts" came echoing from the front of the limo, and then he pa.s.sed the blow back to Jade.

"Okay, dudes, we're at the other guy's house now," Uzi called out from the front.

He pulled into Steve's driveway and threw the limo in park. Dwayne had texted them to be ready when they left Russ's house, so the front door opened immediately upon their arrival.

Steve stepped out, trying way too hard to be a hipster. He wore a tight, fitted dark brown pinstripe suit with tapered pants that drew attention to how underweight he actually was. A skinny argyle tie, square spectacles on his humongous beak, and platform shoes finished off the outfit. He looked like an ad exec for NPR.

Judith followed in an unfortunately formfitting floral dress. Her legs had never looked so large. She was trying something new with a short hairdo and had it spiked out in all directions.

"Christ," Russ mumbled to the others. "It looks like a G.o.dd.a.m.n wildebeest got tangled in the drapes and electrocuted. Holy b.a.l.l.s, that's hideous."

"Come on, Russ," Jade said. "Not everyone can look as delicious as Kelly." Jade placed her hand on Kelly's thigh and winked at her while licking her lips.

Kelly looked across to Tommy. The expression in her eyes was a plea for help.

Tommy mouthed the words "I'm in" back to Kelly. He held up three fingers and nodded his head. Kelly frowned back at him.

Uzi opened the limo door for Steve and Judith. Judith froze when a thick cloud of pot smoke came billowing out.

"Is that pot smoke, guys?" she called disapprovingly into the limo.

"Yup!" Russ answered. "But if pot's not your thing, I've got blow, acid, and ecstasy. So slide that welfare-recipient-loving social worker a.s.s of yours on in here, Judith. Let's party."

Judith reluctantly climbed in.

"Well, we're all here now," Russ said. "Let's get the champagne flowing!"

Russ poured the bubbly into two gla.s.ses. No one noticed when he dropped an ecstasy pill into each gla.s.s. "Steve and Judith," Russ announced, "you two are first with the champagne."

Gla.s.ses were filled for the rest of the pa.s.sengers, and of course, the driver. All nine raised their champagne flutes and clinked them together.

"Champagne for my real friends," Dwayne toasted, his gla.s.ses still held high. "And real pain for my sham friends."

Dwayne asked Uzi to make a few laps around downtown Fort Worth before dropping the crew off at the "Helping Hands for the Homeless" benefit, which was being held in the ballroom of the historic Grand Marquis hotel. He wanted to make sure they had killed at least two of the bottles of Scotch and ten or so joints.

Everyone in the vehicle had become high as f.u.c.k, whether they actually smoked the joints or not. Judith and Steve had begun to seem exceedingly friendly due to the ecstasy they were unaware they'd consumed. Russ managed to pop two hits of acid while no one was looking. Uzi had the stereo volume all the way up.

The Jedi Alliance arrived at the benefit easily an hour after it had kicked off. The limo hopped halfway up the curb as Uzi screeched it to a halt by the valet stand. The valets dove out of the way so as not to be killed. Jade stood halfway out of the sunroof with her arms raised high, banging her head to Guns N' Roses, with pot smoke pouring out around her like special effects from a heavy metal video. When the valets opened the limo door, Judith, who had been leaning against it, fell out backward, doing a back somersault onto the sidewalk. And no one was laughing about it harder than Judith. She was snorting, in tears, wheezing, just laying on her back and flashing her large underwear in the middle of the sidewalk. Everyone finally came stumbling out after her, trying to catch their breath, still laughing hysterically.

Dwayne held Estelle back as the other six entered the hotel. He pulled her in closely, and they put their arms around each other like the true lovebirds they'd become.

"Are you ready for this, babe?" he asked her with genuine concern.

"Ready for what, hot stuff?" she replied.

"Well, we both know what's coming here. We both know who most of these people are deep down. We've been playing on their side of the field for a while. It's all changed now, though. You know how these women turn on people. You know they'll be talking. That's what s.h.i.tty, rotten souls do. They sit around and talk. They'll be friendly. They'll say hi. They'll chat for a while. But when you walk away-"

"I know, sweetie. Happiness drives them crazy. The idea that I don't care if they approve of me really eats at them. I'm not one of them anymore. And I've never been happier. Ever. I'm your Princess Leia. I'm your Catwoman. I'm in love. I wear it as a badge of honor that I no longer fit in with those catty, unhappy b.i.t.c.hes."

Estelle gave Dwayne a big squeeze.

"Okay, babe, I just wanted to make sure. And so you know, Batman is going to fight a ton of crime in your panties tonight."

"That sounds fun, babe, but I'm not wearing any panties."

She leaned up and gave Dwayne a quick nibble on his bottom lip, offered a s.e.xy glance into his eyes, and walked off toward the door. Dwayne followed close behind, slightly aroused, with the full knowledge that at some point during the fundraiser he'd be pushing her into a secluded s.p.a.ce somewhere and ravaging her.

Estelle and Dwayne joined the rest of the group at the bar. Jade had ordered everyone a round of b.u.t.tery nipple shots. Before they navigated the crowd toward their table, Jade made sure to hand a shot personally to Kelly. "Do you like b.u.t.tery nipples, Kelly?" Jade asked. "Because I have some b.u.t.ter back at my place."

The buffet was top-notch. The most respected chefs from South Africa, Italy, and Chile had been flown in on private planes to prepare rare cuisine from around the world. The dishes being served, the fundraiser's website bragged, averaged over $1000 per plate, while the wine being offered cost $500 per gla.s.s, and the brandy hung in at around $350 per shot.

Next to the buffet was an elaborate water bar. The water was 100 percent unfiltered, made from melted ice taken from the summit of Mount Everest. An elite team of native Himalayan Sherpas had made several trips up to gather the ice using specially designed containment packs. They carried it down in small portions to the base camp, where they were met by hikers who would transport the delicacy to a jet in town. The Sherpas who actually gathered the ice were serving as water bartenders, explaining the process through interpreters.

The entire Mount Everest water operation took more than two years and cost $3.6 million. Russ and Dwayne stopped for a gla.s.s on the way to their table, and both agreed on the taste. It tasted exactly like water.

On their table, bidding badges were positioned between every second plate. These would be used during the after-dinner auction, which boasted expensive jewelry, exotic pets, fine purses, and luxurious vacations. All would be bid upon to raise money for the homeless.

The table, sponsored by Dwayne's landscaping company, couldn't have been better placed to ensure an exciting evening. Pastor Jim Harper and his wife, Janice, sat at the table behind Dwayne, which was sponsored by the Westside Church of Jesus. The table to the left was sponsored by Honeycut Land and Cattle, where Estelle's Bible-study partner Linda Honeycut was seated. To the right was Ed Snyder, the replacement coach for the late T-Bone Sprinkle. Eric Schimmy, who was now thankfully current on his landscaping bill, was a guest at Ed Snyder's table. White Oil, owned by Brenda White's family, had sponsored the table across from Dwayne. Brenda had been another of Estelle's fellow biblical scholars.

And at yet another nearby table sat Holly Dale, the widow of Ricky Dale. His furniture stores had purchased a sponsorship table before Ricky met his violent end, and Holly had come with friends to honor him. Pete Rearden's wife, Selena, was in attendance with Holly. Their guests wore black armbands in remembrance of the fallen.

A variety of other social climbers and baseball coaches could be seen mingling throughout the room, greeting each other while dripping with faux sincerity. Dwayne and Estelle knew they were in for a big night.

In fact, it appeared that all four couples were in for a big night-with Steve and Judith being no exception. The ecstasy that Russ slipped them had apparently kicked in big time. They excused themselves from the table shortly after sitting down and made their way to the dance floor, getting down like they'd never gotten down before. Their intense, energetic disco fever was interrupted periodically by pa.s.sionate make-out sessions. One session became so lascivious that while Steve grabbed two fists full of a.s.s, Judith jammed her hand down the front of Steve's pants. They disappeared a short time later for a half an hour. When they returned, Judith had gra.s.s stains on her back and Steve was missing a shoe.

Dwayne sensed that the members of his table were setting off alarms in the heads of the other social circles. He could see them turning away conspicuously when he looked their way, obviously deep into gossip about his wife, his friends, and himself.

After dinner, Russ, Dwayne, and Tommy excused themselves from their seats to stretch their legs, smoke a joint or two, and sample some dessert. The three of them were s.h.i.tfaced. Russ appeared less hammered due to the startling amount of cocaine and LSD in his system. Steve didn't join them. He and Judith continued to have the time of their lives.

The three Jedi headed to the back of the ballroom, to the parking garage door. It seemed the parking garage was the best place to smoke some buds. On the way, they pa.s.sed Ed Snyder and a couple of other baseball coaches.

"I can't f.u.c.king believe I lost to those guys and their f.u.c.king r.e.t.a.r.ded kids," Ed whined to Chip Conner and Reese Pepper, fellow baseball coaches.

Dwayne and the guys slowed down. He looked at Russ and Tommy in a way that said, "We'll pretend we didn't hear that," and continued walking.

"I feel bad for their kids," Chip Conner added. "I wouldn't mind getting some a.s.s from their wives, though."

"From what I understand, that would be pretty easy," Reese Pepper cracked.

The Jedi Alliance were very familiar with Chip Conner and Reese Pepper. They had coached at Jenny Field for years. Chip had been a very compet.i.tive coach. His teams typically did well. He was a big guy, maybe 6'2", with an athletic build and a blond flattop haircut. He also had a mustache. Dwayne hated mustaches.

Reese, unlike Chip, was very much a daddy baseball coach. He was a smaller guy, about 5'9", and carried around about fifty extra pounds. Reese had a manicured goatee. Dwayne hated goatees.

Like Ed Snyder, both Chip Conner and Reese Pepper were obnoxious jacka.s.ses. And both were set to play Dwayne's team the following week in the playoffs.

Dwayne, Russ, and Tommy all stopped walking once the comments had been made about their wives. The three of them turned and approached Ed, Chip, and Reese.

"Hey, Russ," Dwayne said, stepping close to Chip. "I read this article recently called 'The Three Ps of Mustaches.' It basically said that 100 percent of guys with mustaches were either policemen, p.o.r.n stars, or pedophiles. Which category do you think our buddy Chip here falls into?"

Russ didn't answer. He was silent for a few moments. Finally, Tommy swatted Russ on the shoulder.

"What? Oh, f.u.c.k, man. I'm sorry," Russ finally answered. "I'm tripping my b.a.l.l.s off right now. I don't understand anything you're saying. Just tell me when to hit one of them."

"He's gotta be a pedophile, Dwayne," Tommy stepped in. "He's not a cop. He owns p.a.w.nshops or something, I can't remember. It's some line of work where stupid people find success."

"Yeah, I kinda figured him for a pedophile too, Doc," Dwayne replied, getting an inch from Chip's nose.

"I guess he could be a p.o.r.n star though, Dwayne," Tommy said while moving closer to Reese. "If it's gay p.o.r.n you're talking about. I bet he loves getting it on with his little buddy Reese."

Russ followed Dwayne and Tommy's lead and inched closer to Ed Snyder.

"I can't f.u.c.king understand anything right now, guys," Russ said. "It's all garbled, like the teachers in the Charlie Brown cartoons. And my arms feel a lot longer for some reason. And my clothes are melting. And my shoes keep yelling at me. f.u.c.k, I miss my cat. Jesus. Please let me know when to hit this guy."

Chip and Dwayne sized each other up. The others waited to see what would happen with them to determine what course of action to take next.

"You need to think long and hard about what you do next, Dwayne," Chip snarled. "I'm about to f.u.c.k you up."

Dwayne smiled. "I think it might be time to take this conversation out to the parking garage, fellas," Dwayne said. "Tommy, Russ, ... you ready to take out the trash?"

"h.e.l.l, yeah," Tommy replied.