'The Men that fought at Minden'

A Song of Instruction

The men that fought at Minden, they was rookies in their time-- So was them that fought at Waterloo!

All the 'ole command, yuss, from Minden to Maiwand, They was once dam' sweeps like you!

Then do not be discouraged, 'Eaven is your 'elper, We'll learn you not to forget; An' you mustn't swear an' curse, or you'll only catch it worse, For we'll make you soldiers yet!

The men that fought at Minden, they 'ad stocks beneath their chins, Six inch 'igh an' more; But fatigue it was their pride, and they would not be denied To clean the cook-'ouse floor.

The men that fought at Minden, they had anarchistic bombs Served to 'em by name of 'and-grenades; But they got it in the eye (same as you will by-an'-by) When they clubbed their field-parades.

The men that fought at Minden, they 'ad b.u.t.tons up an' down, Two-an'-twenty dozen of 'em told; But they didn't grouse an' shirk at an hour's extry work, They kept 'em bright as gold.

The men that fought at Minden, they was armed with musketoons, Also, they was drilled by 'alberdiers; I don't know what they were, but the sergeants took good care They washed be'ind their ears.

The men that fought at Minden, they 'ad ever cash in 'and Which they did not bank nor save, But spent it gay an' free on their betters--such as me-- For the good advice I gave.

The men that fought at Minden, they was civil--yuss, they was-- Never didn't talk o' rights an' wrongs, But they got it with the toe (same as you will get it--so!)-- For interrupting songs.

The men that fought at Minden, they was several other things Which I don't remember clear; But that's the reason why, now the six-year men are dry, The rooks will stand the beer!

Then do not be discouraged, 'Eaven is your 'elper, We'll learn you not to forget; An' you mustn't swear an' curse, or you'll only catch it worse, For we'll make you soldiers yet!

Soldiers yet, if you've got it in you-- All for the sake of the Core; Soldiers yet, if we 'ave to skin you-- Run an' get the beer, Johnny Raw--Johnny Raw!

Ho! run an' get the beer, Johnny Raw!

Cholera Camp

We've got the cholerer in camp--it's worse than forty fights; We're dyin' in the wilderness the same as Isrulites; It's before us, an' be'ind us, an' we cannot get away, An' the doctor's just reported we've ten more to-day!

Oh, strike your camp an' go, the Bugle's callin', The Rains are fallin'-- The dead are bushed an' stoned to keep 'em safe below; The Band's a-doin' all she knows to cheer us; The Chaplain's gone and prayed to Gawd to 'ear us-- To 'ear us-- O Lord, for it's a-killin' of us so!

Since August, when it started, it's been stickin' to our tail, Though they've 'ad us out by marches an' they've 'ad us back by rail; But it runs as fast as troop-trains, and we cannot get away; An' the sick-list to the Colonel makes ten more to-day.

There ain't no fun in women nor there ain't no bite to drink; It's much too wet for shootin', we can only march and think; An' at evenin', down the nullahs, we can 'ear the jackals say, "Get up, you rotten beggars, you've ten more to-day!"

'Twould make a monkey cough to see our way o' doin' things-- Lieutenants takin' companies an' captains takin' wings, An' Lances actin' Sergeants--eight file to obey-- For we've lots o' quick promotion on ten deaths a day!

Our Colonel's white an' twitterly--'e gets no sleep nor food, But mucks about in 'orspital where nothing does no good.

'E sends us 'eaps o' comforts, all bought from 'is pay-- But there aren't much comfort 'andy on ten deaths a day.

Our Chaplain's got a banjo, an' a skinny mule 'e rides, An' the stuff 'e says an' sings us, Lord, it makes us split our sides!

With 'is black coat-tails a-bobbin' to Ta-ra-ra Boom-der-ay!

'E's the proper kind o' padre for ten deaths a day.

An' Father Victor 'elps 'im with our Roman Catholicks-- He knows an 'eap of Irish songs an' rummy conjurin' tricks; An' the two they works together when it comes to play or pray; So we keep the ball a-rollin' on ten deaths a day.

We've got the cholerer in camp--we've got it 'ot an' sweet; It ain't no Christmas dinner, but it's 'elped an' we must eat.

We've gone beyond the funkin', 'cause we've found it doesn't pay, An' we're rockin' round the Districk on ten deaths a day!

Then strike your camp an' go, the Rains are fallin', The Bugle's callin'!

The dead are bushed an' stoned to keep 'em safe below!

An' them that do not like it they can lump it, An' them that cannot stand it they can jump it; We've got to die somewhere--some way--some'ow-- We might as well begin to do it now!

Then, Number One, let down the tent-pole slow, Knock out the pegs an' 'old the corners--so!

Fold in the flies, furl up the ropes, an' stow!

Oh, strike--oh, strike your camp an' go!

(Gawd 'elp us!)

The Ladies

I've taken my fun where I've found it; I've rogued an' I've ranged in my time; I've 'ad my pickin' o' sweet'earts, An' four o' the lot was prime.

One was an 'arf-caste widow, One was a woman at Prome, One was the wife of a jemadar-sais, An' one is a girl at 'ome.

Now I aren't no 'and with the ladies, For, takin' 'em all along, You never can say till you've tried 'em, An' then you are like to be wrong.

There's times when you'll think that you mightn't, There's times when you'll know that you might; But the things you will learn from the Yellow an' Brown, They'll 'elp you a lot with the White!

I was a young un at 'Oogli, Shy as a girl to begin; Aggie de Castrer she made me, An' Aggie was clever as sin; Older than me, but my first un-- More like a mother she were-- Showed me the way to promotion an' pay, An' I learned about women from 'er!

Then I was ordered to Burma, Actin' in charge o' Bazar, An' I got me a tiddy live 'eathen Through buyin' supplies off 'er pa.

Funny an' yellow an' faithful-- Doll in a teacup she were, But we lived on the square, like a true-married pair, An' I learned about women from 'er!

Then we was shifted to Neemuch (Or I might ha' been keepin' 'er now), An' I took with a shiny she-devil, The wife of a n.i.g.g.e.r at Mhow; 'Taught me the gipsy-folks' bolee; Kind o' volcano she were, For she knifed me one night 'cause I wished she was white, And I learned about women from 'er!

Then I come 'ome in the trooper, 'Long of a kid o' sixteen-- Girl from a convent at Meerut, The straightest I ever 'ave seen.

Love at first sight was 'er trouble, She didn't know what it were; An' I wouldn't do such, 'cause I liked 'er too much, But--I learned about women from 'er!

I've taken my fun where I've found it, An' now I must pay for my fun, For the more you 'ave known o' the others The less will you settle to one; An' the end of it's sittin' and thinkin', An' dreamin' h.e.l.l-fires to see; So be warned by my lot (which I know you will not), An' learn about women from me!

What did the Colonel's Lady think?

n.o.body never knew.

Somebody asked the Sergeant's wife, An' she told 'em true!

When you get to a man in the case, They're like as a row of pins-- For the Colonel's Lady an' Judy O'Grady Are sisters under their skins!

Bill 'Awkins

"'As anybody seen Bill 'Awkins?"