'Does he bite?'

'No, honey, he can't bite. He's like a . . . like a doll, I suppose.'

'Why is his bell ringing?'

'He's glad we're here. He's glad we made it.'

I saw her want to be happy, and then I saw her realizing that Mattie wasn't here to be happy with. I saw the idea that Mattie would never be here to be happy with glimmer in her mind . . . and felt her push it away. Over our heads something huge crashed down on the roof, the lights flickered, and Ki began to weep again.

'No, honey,' I said, and began to walk with her. 'No, honey, no, Ki, don't. Don't, honey, don't.'

'I want my mommy! I want my Mattie! I want my Mattie!'

I walked her the way I think you're supposed to walk babies who have colic. She understood too much for a three-year-old, and her suffering was consequently more terrible than any three-year-old should have to bear. So I held her in my arms and walked her, her shorts damp with urine and rainwater under my hands, her arms fever-hot around my neck, her cheeks slathered with snot and tears, her hair a soaked clump from our brief dash through the downpour, her breath acetone, her toy a strangulated black clump that sent dirty water trickling over her knuckles. I walked her. Back and forth we went through Sara's living room, back and forth through dim light thrown by the overhead and one lamp. Generator light is never quite steady, never quite still - it seems to breathe and sigh. Back and forth through the ceaseless low chiming of Bunter's bell, like music from that world we sometimes touch but never really see. Back and forth beneath the sound of the storm. I think I sang to her and I know I touched her with my mind and we went deeper and deeper into that zone together. Above us the clouds ran and the rain pelted, dousing the fires the lightning had started in the woods. The house groaned and the air eddied with gusts coming in through the broken kitchen window, but through it all there was a feeling of rueful safety. A feeling of coming home.

At last her tears began to taper off. She lay with her cheek and the weight of her heavy head on my shoulder, and when we pa.s.sed the lakeside windows I could see her eyes looking out into the silver-dark storm, wide and unblinking. Carrying her was a tall man with thinning hair. I realized I could see the dining-room table right through us. Our reflections are ghosts already Our reflections are ghosts already, I thought.

'Ki? Can you eat something?'

'Not hung'y.'

'Can you drink a gla.s.s of milk?'

'No, cocoa. I cold.'

'Yes, of course you are. And I have cocoa.'

I tried to put her down and she held on with panicky tightness, scrambling against me with her plump little thighs. I hoisted her back up again, this time settling her against my hip, and she subsided.

'Who's here?' she asked. She had begun to shiver. 'Who's here 'sides us?'

'I don't know.'

'There's a boy,' she said. 'I saw him there.' She pointed Strickland toward the sliding gla.s.s door which gave on the deck (all the chairs out there had been overturned and thrown into the corners; one of the set was missing, apparently blown right over the rail). 'He was black like on that funny show me and Mattie watch. There are other black people, too. A lady in a big hat. A man in blue pants. The rest are hard to see. But they watch. They watch us. Don't you see them?'

'They can't hurt us.'

'Are you sure? Are you, are you?'

I didn't answer.

I found a box of Swiss Miss hiding behind the flour cannister, tore open one of the packets, and dumped it into a cup. Thunder exploded overhead. Ki jumped in my arms and let out a long, miserable wail. I hugged her, kissed her cheek.

'Don't put me down, Mike, I scared.'

'I won't put you down. You're my good girl.'

'I scared of the boy and the blue-pants man and the lady. I think it's the lady who wore Mattie's dress. Are they ghosties?'

'Yes.'

'Are they bad, like the men who chased us at the fair? Are they?'

'I don't really know, Ki, and that's the truth.'

'But we'll find out.'

'Huh?'

'That's what you thought. "But we'll find out. "'

'Yes,' I said. 'I guess that's what I was thinking. Something like that.'

I took her down to the master bedroom while the water heated in the kettle, thinking there had to be something something left of Jo's I could pop her into, but all of the drawers in Jo's bureau were empty. So was her side of the closet. I stood Ki on the big double bed where I had not so much as taken a nap since coming back, took off her clothes, carried her into the bathroom, and wrapped her in a bathtowel. She hugged it around herself, shaking and blue-lipped. I used another one to dry her hair as best I could. During all of this, she never let go of the stuffed dog, which was now beginning to bleed stuffing from its seams. left of Jo's I could pop her into, but all of the drawers in Jo's bureau were empty. So was her side of the closet. I stood Ki on the big double bed where I had not so much as taken a nap since coming back, took off her clothes, carried her into the bathroom, and wrapped her in a bathtowel. She hugged it around herself, shaking and blue-lipped. I used another one to dry her hair as best I could. During all of this, she never let go of the stuffed dog, which was now beginning to bleed stuffing from its seams.

I opened the medicine cabinet, pawed through it, and found what I was looking for on the top shelf: the Benadryl Jo had kept around for her ragweed allergy. I thought of checking the expiration date on the bottom of the box, then almost laughed out loud. What difference did that that make? I stood Ki on the closed toilet seat and let her hold on around my neck while I stripped the childproof backing from four of the little pink-and-white caplets. Then I rinsed out the tooth-gla.s.s and filled it with cold water. While I was doing this I saw movement in the bathroom mirror, which reflected the doorway and the master bedroom beyond. I told myself that I was only seeing the shadows of windblown trees. I offered the caplets to Ki. She reached for them, then hesitated. make? I stood Ki on the closed toilet seat and let her hold on around my neck while I stripped the childproof backing from four of the little pink-and-white caplets. Then I rinsed out the tooth-gla.s.s and filled it with cold water. While I was doing this I saw movement in the bathroom mirror, which reflected the doorway and the master bedroom beyond. I told myself that I was only seeing the shadows of windblown trees. I offered the caplets to Ki. She reached for them, then hesitated.

'Go on,' I said. 'It's medicine.'

'What kind?' she asked. Her small hand was still poised over the little cl.u.s.ter of caplets.

'Sadness medicine,' I said. 'Can you swallow pills, Ki?'

'Sure. I taught myself when I was two.'

She hesitated a moment longer - looking at me and looking into into me, I think, ascertaining that I was telling her something I really believed. What she saw or felt must have satisfied her, because she took the caplets and put them in her mouth, one after another. She swallowed them with little birdie-sips from the gla.s.s, then said: 'I still feel sad, Mike.' me, I think, ascertaining that I was telling her something I really believed. What she saw or felt must have satisfied her, because she took the caplets and put them in her mouth, one after another. She swallowed them with little birdie-sips from the gla.s.s, then said: 'I still feel sad, Mike.'

'It takes awhile for them to work.'

I rummaged in my shirt drawer and found an old Harley-Davidson tee that had shrunk. It was still miles too big for her, but when I tied a knot in one side it made a kind of sarong that kept slipping off one of her shoulders. It was almost cute.

I carry a comb in my back pocket. I took it out and combed her hair back from her forehead and her temples. She was starting to look put together again, but there was still something missing. Something that was connected in my mind with Royce Merrill. That was crazy, though . . . wasn't it?

'Mike? What cane? What cane are you thinking about it?'

Then it came to me. 'A candy cane,' I said. 'The kind with stripes.' From my pocket I took the two white ribbons. Their red edges looked almost raw in the uncertain light. 'Like these.' I tied her hair back in two little ponytails. Now she had her ribbons; she had her black dog; the sunflowers had relocated a few feet north, but they were there. Everything was more or less the way it was supposed to be.

Thunder blasted, somewhere close a tree fell, and the lights went out. After five seconds of dark-gray shadows, they came on again. I carried Ki back to the kitchen, and when we pa.s.sed the cellar door, something laughed behind it. I heard it; Ki did, too. I could see it in her eyes.

'Take care of me,' she said. 'Take care of me cause I'm just a little guy. You promised.'

'I will.'

'I love you, Mike.'

'I love you, too, Ki.'

The kettle was huffing. I filled the cup to the halfway mark with hot water, then topped it up with milk, cooling it off and making it richer. I took Kyra over to the couch. As we pa.s.sed the dining-room table I glanced at the IBM typewriter and at the ma.n.u.script with the cross-word-puzzle book lying on top of it. Those things looked vaguely foolish and somehow sad, like gadgets that never worked very well and now do not work at all.

Lightning lit up the entire sky, scouring the room with purple light. In that glare the laboring trees looked like screaming fingers, and as the light raced across the sliding gla.s.s door to the deck I saw a woman standing behind us, by the woodstove. She was indeed wearing a straw hat, with a brim the size of a cartwheel.

'What do you mean, the river is almost in the sea?' Ki asked.

I sat down and handed her the cup. 'Drink that up.'

'Why did the men hurt my mommy? Didn't they want her to have a good time?'

'I guess not,' I said. I began to cry. I held her on my lap, wiping away the tears with the backs of my hands.

'You should have taken some sad-pills, too,' Ki said. She held out her cocoa. Her hair ribbons, which I had tied in big sloppy bows, bobbed. 'Here. Drink some.'

I drank some. From the north end of the house came another grinding, crackling crash. The low rumble of the generator stuttered and the house went gray again. Shadows raced across Ki's small face.

'Hold on,' I told her. 'Try not to be scared. Maybe the lights will come back.' A moment later they did, although now I could hear a hoa.r.s.e, uneven note in the gennie's roar and the flicker of the lights was much more noticeable.

'Tell me a story,' she said. 'Tell me about Cinderbell.'

'Cinderella.'

'Yeah, her.'

'All right, but storyguys get paid.' I pursed my lips and made sipping sounds.

She held the cup out. The cocoa was sweet and good. The sensation of being watched was heavy and not sweet at all, but let them watch. Let them watch while they could.

'There was this pretty girl named Cinderella - '

'Once upon a time! That's how it starts! That's how they all start!'

'That's right, I forgot. Once upon a time there was this pretty girl named Cinderella, who had two mean stepsisters. Their names were . . . do you remember?'

'Tammy Faye and Vanna.'

'Yeah, the Queens of Hairspray. And they made Cinderella do all the really unpleasant ch.o.r.es, like sweeping out the fireplace and cleaning up the dogp.o.o.p in the back yard. Now it just so happened that the noted rock band Oasis was going to play a gig at the palace, and although all the girls had been invited . . . '

I got as far as the part about the fairy G.o.dmother catching the mice and turning them into a Mercedes limousine before the Benadryl took effect. It really was a medicine for sadness; when I looked down, Ki was fast asleep in the crook of my arm with her cocoa cup listing radically to port. I plucked it from her fingers and put it on the coffee-table, then brushed her drying hair off her forehead.

'Ki?'

Nothing. She'd gone to the land of Noddy-Blinky. It probably helped that her afternoon nap had ended almost before it got started.

I picked her up and carried her down to the north bedroom, her feet bouncing limply in the air and the hem of the Harley shirt flipping around her knees. I put her on the bed and pulled the duvet up to her chin. Thunder boomed like artillery fire, but she didn't even stir. Exhaustion, grief, Benadryl . . . they had taken her deep, taken her beyond ghosts and sorrow, and that was good. I bent over and kissed her cheek, which had finally begun to cool. 'I'll take care of you,' I said. 'I promised, and I will.'

As if hearing me, Ki turned on her side, put the hand holding Strickland under her jaw, and made a soft sighing sound. Her lashes were dark soot against her cheeks, in startling contrast to her light hair. Looking at her I felt myself swept by love, shaken by it the way one is shaken by a sickness.

Take care of me, I'm just a little guy. Take care of me, I'm just a little guy.

'I will, Ki-bird,' I said.

I went into the bathroom and began filling the tub, as I had once filled it in my sleep. She would sleep through it all if I could get enough warm water before the generator quit entirely. I wished I had a bath-toy to give her in case she did wake up, something like Wilhelm the Spouting Whale, but she'd have her dog, and she probably wouldn't wake up, anyway. No freezing baptism under a handpump for Kyra. I was not cruel, and I was not crazy.

I had only disposable razors in the medicine cabinet, no good for the other job ahead of me. Not efficient enough. But one of the kitchen steak knives would do. If I filled the washbasin with water that was really hot, I wouldn't even feel it. A letter T T on each arm, the top bar drawn across the wrists - on each arm, the top bar drawn across the wrists - For a moment I came out of the zone. A voice - my own speaking as some combination of Jo and Mattie - screamed: What are you thinking about? Oh Mike, what in G.o.d's name are you thinking about? What are you thinking about? Oh Mike, what in G.o.d's name are you thinking about?

Then the thunder boomed, the lights flickered, and the rain began to pour down again, driven by the wind. I went back into that place where everything was clear, my course indisputable. Let it all end - the sorrow, the hurt, the fear. I didn't want to think anymore about how Mattie had danced with her toes on the Frisbee as if it were a spotlight. I didn't want to be there when Kyra woke up, didn't want to see the misery fill her eyes. I didn't want to get through the night ahead, the day that was coming beyond it, or the day that was coming after that. They were all cars on the same old mystery train. Life was a sickness. I was going to give her a nice warm bath and cure her of it. I raised my arms. In the medicine cabinet mirror a murky figure - a Shape - raised its own in a kind of jocular greeting. It was me. It had been me all along, and that was all right. That was just fine. Then the thunder boomed, the lights flickered, and the rain began to pour down again, driven by the wind. I went back into that place where everything was clear, my course indisputable. Let it all end - the sorrow, the hurt, the fear. I didn't want to think anymore about how Mattie had danced with her toes on the Frisbee as if it were a spotlight. I didn't want to be there when Kyra woke up, didn't want to see the misery fill her eyes. I didn't want to get through the night ahead, the day that was coming beyond it, or the day that was coming after that. They were all cars on the same old mystery train. Life was a sickness. I was going to give her a nice warm bath and cure her of it. I raised my arms. In the medicine cabinet mirror a murky figure - a Shape - raised its own in a kind of jocular greeting. It was me. It had been me all along, and that was all right. That was just fine.

I dropped to one knee and checked the water. It was coming in nice and warm. Good. Even if the generator quit now, it would be fine. The tub was an old one, a deep one. As I walked down to the kitchen to get the knife, I thought about climbing in with her after I had finished cutting my wrists in the hotter water of the basin. No, I decided. It might be misinterpreted by the people who would come here later on, people with nasty minds and nastier a.s.sumptions. The ones who'd come when the storm was over and the trees across the road cleared away. No, after her bath I would dry her and put her back in bed with Strickland in her hand. I'd sit across the room from her, in the rocking chair by the bedroom windows. I would spread some towels in my lap to keep as much of the blood off my pants as I could, and eventually I would go to sleep, too.

Bunter's bell was still ringing. Much louder now. It was getting on my nerves, and if it kept on that way it might even wake the baby. I decided to pull it down and silence it for good. I crossed the room, and as I did a strong gust of air blew past me. It wasn't a draft from the broken kitchen window; this was that warm subway-air again. It blew the Tough Stuff Tough Stuff crossword book onto the floor, but the paperweight on the ma.n.u.script kept the loose pages from following. As I looked in that direction, Bunter's bell fell silent. crossword book onto the floor, but the paperweight on the ma.n.u.script kept the loose pages from following. As I looked in that direction, Bunter's bell fell silent.

A voice sighed across the dim room. Words I couldn't make out. And what did they matter? What did one more manifestation - one more blast of hot air from the Great Beyond - matter?

Thunder rolled and the sigh came again. This time, as the generator died and the lights went out, plunging the room into gray shadow, I got one word in the clear: Nineteen.

I turned on my heels, making a nearly complete circle. I finished up looking across the shadowy room at the ma.n.u.script of My Childhood Friend My Childhood Friend. Suddenly the light broke. Understanding arrived.

Not the crossword book. Not the phone book, either.

My My book. My ma.n.u.script. book. My ma.n.u.script.

I crossed to it, vaguely aware that the water had stopped running into the tub in the north-wing bathroom. When the generator died, the pump had quit. That was all right, it would be plenty deep enough already. And warm. I would give Kyra her bath, but first there was something I had to do. I had to go down nineteen, and after that I just might have to go down ninety-two. And I could. I had completed just over a hundred and twenty pages of ma.n.u.script, so I could. I grabbed the battery-powered lantern from the top of the cabinet where I still kept several hundred actual vinyl records, clicked it on, and set it on the table. It cast a white circle of radiance on the ma.n.u.script - in the gloom of that afternoon it was as bright as a spotlight.

On page nineteen of My Childhood Friend My Childhood Friend, Tiffi Taylor - the call-girl who had re-invented herself as Regina Whiting - was sitting in her studio with Andy Drake, reliving the day that John Sanborn (the alias under which John Shackleford had been getting by) saved her three-year-old daughter, Karen. This is the pa.s.sage I read as the thunder boomed and the rain slashed against the sliding door giving on the deck:

FRIEND, by Noonan/Pg. 19

over that way, I was sure of it,' she said, 'but when I couldn't see her anywhere, I went to when I couldn't see her anywhere, I went tolook in the hot tub.' She lit a cigarette. 'What Isaw made me feel like screaming, Andy - Karen wasunderwater. All that was out was her hand . . . thenails were turning purple. After that . . . I guess Idived in, but I don't remember; I was zoned out.Everything from then on is like a dream where stuffruns together in your mind. The yard-guy - Sanborn -shoved me aside and dived. His foot hit me in thethroat and I couldn't swallow for a week. He yankedup on Karen's arm. I thought he'd pull it off herd.a.m.n shoulder, but he got her. He got her.'In the gloom, Drake saw she was weeping. 'G.o.d.Oh G.o.d, I thought she was dead. I was sure she was.'

I knew at once, but laid my steno pad along the left margin of the ma.n.u.script so I could see it better. Reading down, as you'd read a vertical crossword-puzzle answer, the first letter of each line spelled the message which had been there almost since I began the book: