Chapter Twenty-Five.

Healing Kim What would Dennis think? Was he up there turning his back on her too? After everything they shared, what would he think of the woman she was now? Who was she now? She was the woman who had given up on life and subsequently her children. Now she was nothing more than a drug addict. She hated herself. And from nowhere, her sister had walked through her door. Suddenly, there was hope. No matter how small, she clung to the feeling. She clung to the person who would love her unconditionally.

"I got you, Kim. I love you so much." Simone squeezed her tighter, kissing her cheek. "My G.o.d, you scared me so bad."

Kim wanted to hold on to her sister until her world stopped spinning. She wanted to close her eyes and start over. She wanted to rewind the hand of time all the way back to the day Dennis kissed her at the sink and told her he'd take her to the movies before walking out of her front door. What if she had told him to stay home? Where would her life be if Dennis hadn't died? But Dennis wasn't hers. Not anymore.

From over Simone's shoulder, Kim met the cold stare of her mother. All Diane had done since the nightmare began was weep at her bedside. Today, her mother had a stoic hard look to her face.

"Kitt?" Diane said, rising.

Simone didn't hesitate. She turned to their mother and hugged her, kissing her face and talking calmly to her. Kim watched them both from the bed. No one could handle Diane the way Simone did. No one. Diane softened immediately and nodded to her youngest daughter, agreeing to go and get something to eat. Simone put some money in her hand and sent her out of the door.

"You're good with her," Kim mumbled. She pushed up and sat back against her pillows.

Simone turned with her hands to her hips. Kim really saw her. She looked beautiful, except for the strange bandage on her thumb. "What's with the haircut?" Kim gave a nervous chuckle. "Thought Keith hated short hair?"

"I want the truth, Kim. When did this start? The pills, the abuse? How long have you been on them?"

The last thing she wanted to do was rehash her greatest sin. Kim closed her eyes. The wound from Mathew's rejection bled still. G.o.d help her. She couldn't sleep for thinking about him, and then Dennis and then Mathew again. Kim tried calling, but Mathew wasn't answering. His phone went straight to his voicemail. After what she put him and her babies through, she understood. Still acceptance didn't make his absence hurt any less. Nothing could make it hurt any less. "I need a favor," she said in a mournful voice. She cleared her throat, dispelling weakness. "I need your help."

"Favor? First you tell me why this. Why drugs after everything we've been through with Diane? When did this start?"

"Simone, please. This is important," Kim said.

Simone brought a chair over to her bedside. "What kind of favor?"

"If you help me get Mathew back, I'll do whatever you and the doctors say. I need you to go see him for me. Tell him that I need him. Tell him to come back to the hospital so we can talk."

"Stop."

Kim bit back her words. She squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head. Simone's hand covered hers as if she sensed her discomfort. "I spoke to him. He's the one that told me that you were on the pills. Before you...before everything happened."

"He was trying to help me. I love him," Kim said.

"Kim?"

"I do," she moaned, turning her face away. "I hurt him so bad. He'll never believe me. He'll think it's just the drugs talking. He'll think I only used him for the drugs. The truth is I love him. And it's different from Dennis. It's the only good in my life, besides my sons. "

"You're sick. Getting you well is what matters. You come first. That's what we focus on."

Kim nodded. She held her sister's hand and tried to focus. She told her heart that it didn't matter. Her babies needed her more. Still, she felt the way he looked at her when he left. The way he left. It was like losing Dennis all over again. "I can't do it without him. You don't know how hard it is to be alone. You have Keith."

When her sister didn't respond, she finally looked over. She couldn't see her eyes. Her hand slipped from Simone's and reached to touch her silky curls. "I do like the haircut. It's cute. It reminds me of how you were when we were girls, always trying to be a trendsetter and wearing the latest cuts. I've missed you."

"Then why didn't you tell me?" Simone asked with a voice choking on emotion.

"I couldn't. I couldn't tell anyone. It's n.o.body's fault but mine."

"I should have been here," Simone sniffed. When her head lifted, Kim was taken aback at how much pain and grief she saw in her sister's eyes. "I let Keith convince me to move when I knew you and the boys needed me after Dennis. If I had been here, we could have beat this together."

"Stop that. If you were here, I would have hid it from you just like I did with Anne. It's not your fault, sweetie, seriously."

"Then help me understand, Kim. You literally had to raise Mama and me when we were kids. You took care of us both after Daddy left. You hated Mama's weakness for alcohol. How could you do this? You knew the risks, your job and the boys. You knew and you did it anyway?"

Kim dropped her hand away and looked down to her lap. It was a fair question. One she refused to even consider when the abuse got worse. But now, she owed herself an answer. She had to face some truths.

"It wasn't like that," she mumbled. There she was lying again. She did it so often she couldn't tell the difference between her old lies and new ones. The truth was she did know. She took the cowardly way out, just like Diane. She learned how to hide and guard her secret with lessons her mother had taught her.

"I love you girl, but I'm so angry. You could have died!"

"You're right," Kim broke. She placed her hand over her eyes. She cried again, choking on her confession. "I guess I did know the risks. The first pill I took, I knew it wouldn't be the last. Part of me knew."

"Then why?"

Kim wiped her tears and gave a bitter chuckle. "I was in so much pain. It wasn't a matter of why, it was a matter of, why not?" She wiped the tears from her cheeks. "First the pain, then the emptiness. When it wasn't enough, I started snorting it because I knew how to get really numb and how to go blank. I blamed it on Dennis leaving me, but the truth is I was just weak."

"Kim."

"It still hurts so bad, Kitt, to love someone so much and lose him. I can't go through it again. I can't."

"So you just woke up one day and gave up? Decided that your sons didn't deserve a mother since they already lost a father? I can't believe that, Kim. That's not you. No matter how bad it hurt, you were never that selfish."

Kim shrugged. "Guess you don't know me. No one does."

She knew their shared childhood fears. How Diane would blackout and leave them to fend for themselves. They vowed to always be there for each other. Somehow, they lost their way. They were stronger when they were united. How could she forget that?

"It started when I had back problems from the epidural, remember?"

"I remember."

"I started on pain pills then, something to just get me through the day. Like I said, I was hurting so much, Simone. Dennis was dead, and the babies needed me all the time, and the bills. Dennis had taken on so much debt to get us that house, those cars, things, things, things. He thought because he didn't have a lot growing up that we needed material things. We needed him! If he hadn't been working extra hours, he wouldn't have been in that fire. The state is right. He took too many d.a.m.n risks! And he destroyed us. He died." She broke down. Simone rose, covering her again with a warm hug. "I hate him for dying on me. He promised me that we would be a family. That we would be together, and he died! He's dead, and he's never coming back and it's just me and that d.a.m.n house! And that d.a.m.n mortgage! And I wanted it to stop! I wanted my husband back. When I took the pills, it went away. I didn't want anything. And then I couldn't stop, because it felt good not to want anything."

"Shh, okay. It's okay."

"It's not! Don't you see? Oh G.o.d I don't know who I am anymore, I don't know what's real."

"Hey!" Simone touched her face. "You were lost. It happens to all of us. You chose drugs and I chose denial. We make mistakes, but that's not the end of it. We can fix this."

"No. My children have been abandoned because of me. There is no fixing the guilt I have over that."

"We have to fix you. Do you understand? You can't hide anymore," Simone said.

"That's correct. She can't hide anymore," Dr. Murphy said from behind Simone. Simone drew away and Kim got a good look at the doctor and another person she didn't know. Dr. Murphy had a clipboard pressed to her chest and a hard stare. She looked from Kim to Simone, then back to Kim again. "Nurse Jensen, we need to speak with you. Now."

"Who are you?" Simone asked.

"I'm the Chief Administrator of this hospital. This is Doctor Sophie Randall. She is from Sunnydale, our chosen rehabilitation facility through the Employee a.s.sistance Program."

"It's okay, Kitt. I know them."

"No, it's not." Simone turned back on them "She's not well. This will have to wait."

"Fine, then we will call the police and let them sort this out. I'm sure they'll have plenty of questions for you, Nurse Jensen." Murphy pushed her gla.s.ses up on her nose and gave a smug snort.

"Police? For what?" Simone demanded.

"Shall I tell her, Nurse Jensen?"

"Kitt, let me speak to them. Alone."

"I will not," Simone snapped. She pointed at Murphy when she spoke, wagging her finger. "You don't come in here on a patient and threaten them. I don't care if she does work here."

"Kitt, stop."

"Whatever you have to say you can say in front of me."

"Very well." Dr. Murphy walked over to the bed. She handed Kim the clipboard with papers attached. "Here is the paperwork. You know the drill. Sign them and you are admitted into EAP, effective immediately."

Kim looked at the board as if it were a nest of snakes. "I thought we could discuss this."

"Nurse Jensen," Director Randall stepped forward. "I've worked with you on these cases before. This is the hospital's way of supporting you during this difficult time, but it's strictly voluntary. You go into EAP immediately after discharge, or the hospital will press charges. And that is just the beginning."

"Sweet Jesus," Simone said, putting her hand to her forehead.

Kim stared down at the papers. She did know the drill. She feared this drill most of all. Her admission of guilt wouldn't clear her enough to keep her license or her job. It would only keep her out of jail. She hoped.

Randall crossed her arms. A tall sinewy woman with a long neck, her hair tucked into a chignon, she wore a pinstripe pantsuit. She towered over Kim. Her eyes held such contempt. "Your appearance before the board will be scheduled after you complete the program. It can be used to help aide in your defense."

"I'm going to lose my license, aren't I?" Kim sniffed.

Dr. Murphy stepped closer. "EAP is your only hope. And a slim shot at that. What you did could have you jailed and prosecuted. Your offenses range from treating patients while under the influence of narcotics, to stealing narcotics that were under your charge."

Kim closed her eyes, shaken by the comments. "Why are you giving me this chance?"

Murphy smirked. "Don't thank me. Dr. Donnelly is your champion. Though his fate is far worse since he admitted to knowing of your drug abuse. He's suspended. I doubt he'll be able to retain his medical license after this final offense. At least he was decent enough to leave Mercy and not fight us on it."

"What? No! No! He didn't do anything wrong! No!"

"Kim, calm down." Simone came to her side. Kim knocked her sister's hands away.

"Please, no! You can't do that to him. He was just helping me."

Murphy waved off her pleas. "He's guilty. He was here on a trial basis. Since he's been here, he's been violent, and an instigator to all the unrest in this hospital. He's lucky he isn't facing jail time with you."

"b.i.t.c.h!" Kim yelled at her.

Murphy stepped back, shocked.

"You f.u.c.king b.i.t.c.h! You don't know him! You f.u.c.king b.i.t.c.h!"

"Kim! Kim!" Simone turned on the doctor. "She'll go into EAP. She's not well. Please, just leave her alone."

"I am well! She's lying. She knows Mathew didn't do anything wrong. She's just the clean up woman. Her concern is burying all the f.u.c.ked up s.h.i.t in this hospital. Doctors who prescribe drugs to nurses so they can screw them. She turns a blind eye to that. But a doctor like Mathew, she wants to persecute. He's done nothing but make you do your d.a.m.n job! That's what this is about!"

"No, Kim!" Murphy hissed, dropping the formality. "This is about you using this place as your private drug spot. If I'm guilty of turning a blind eye to Dr. Patel, then what are you? You knew he was hara.s.sing these nurses and said nothing."

"No, I didn't!"

"You did know! You didn't care. You used Dr. Donnelly and tried to make him your accomplice. He was here because no other hospital would hire him. I gave him a shot. You cost him his second chance!"

Kim shook her head no as the truth of her actions sunk in. "Oh, G.o.d, what have I done?"

"Will you just leave? She'll sign your d.a.m.n papers, but go. We'll be in contact," Simone pleaded.

"I'm sorry. We can't do that," the other lady spoke. "In order for her to be accepted into Sunnydale, she has to go into the program today. Her release is this afternoon. She will leave with me immediately."

"No. No. No. I won't go! No! What about Mathew? I've got to see him, tell him, fix things."

"Kim, calm down." Simone whirled on the doctors "Get out."

"I said-" Director Randall started again.

"I get it. And she's not going anywhere, but d.a.m.n it do you have to attack her? Just get out! She'll sign the papers, but I need to talk to her first. Please!"

The women looked at each other, then nodded. "We'll deal with her release. I'll be back to collect her," Director Randall said. "Tonight."

"You can't let them take me, Kitt. My boys. Who will watch my boys? Mathew's in trouble. I need to speak to him. I have to go."

Simone pushed her back down on the bed, despite her efforts to rise. If she weren't so weak and heartsick, she would have put up a bigger fight.

"Look at me. You're in trouble, Kimmy. Focus! This isn't an option, okay? These people are serious, and you've got too much to lose. Either you go with them or they will press charges. Do you understand? They will investigate and prove you to be unfit. Then what? The state could be called in to take away your rights to your babies. Do you get that? d.a.m.n it!"

Kim broke. She dropped her head back. Tears slipped down her cheeks as she sucked in deep breaths, finding it hard to articulate a single thought or word. "I'm sorry."

"Oh, baby, I know, but you got to be smart. We both have to be smart now."

"I ruined everybody's life," Kim said.

"What matters is what you do now to get better. I got an idea." Simone wiped her tears. She turned to the nightstand and opened the drawer. Inside she found hospital stationary. "Write the letter. Say everything you need to say, and I promise you I will take it to him. Okay?"

"Hey, hey, hey! What-chu got her all worked up about? I could hear you in the hall. And why they got a security guard outside of the door?" Diane asked, carrying in a bag of takeout from Marbella's Diner.