"I killed him because Noel did a brave thing. Noel pushed Nathaniel out of the way of the shot. Noel who was one of the weakest of all of you guys, but he was brave when it counted, and he should have lived through that. He should have lived and gotten to be brave and get his master's degree and have a life. He was only twenty-four and now he's dead, and we can't even tell his parents that he died a hero, because we can't tell them the truth about what happened. They'll never know that he died brave, and he died well, and he died saving the man I love, and all I could do was walk across the room and shoot his killer in the face until he died, too." I was crying and didn't mean to. "I didn't kill Haven because it was the best thing for the city, or for the lions, Richard. I killed him because if Noel had to die, it was the least I could do for him. I killed Haven because he tried to kill Nathaniel, and that is not allowed. For that he had to die, because I looked into his eyes and knew that while he was alive, Nathaniel wasn't safe, and I'd do anything to keep him safe."

Jean-Claude held me tight, murmuring comforting words in French. Richard buried his face against my legs again and wrapped his arms around them. They held me close, and I let myself cry for Noel, and for Nathaniel, and for the knowledge that I'd killed one of my own lovers, killed him with the taste of his body still on my lips, the feel of him still like a memory inside me, and I'd looked him in the same eyes that had looked up at me in bed while we made love, and blown his face into so much meat and bones.

And in the end, that last was what made the crying build to screams.

CHAPTER 26

I FINALLY WENT to relieve Micah at Nathaniel's bedside. We had a series of rooms that had been made into hospital rooms so that when our people were hurt they didn't all have to go to the lycanthrope hospital that the wererats had set up years ago for the local shapeshifters. Human hospitals didn't always like treating lycanthropes. The room was smallish with a twin hospital bed, subdued lighting at the moment, but I knew that the brightest lights in the entire underground were in these rooms. It had been yet another remodeling project when we did everything else. Jean-Claude was really trying to make this our home. I missed windows.

I'd gotten my hysterics out of the way. I sat there holding the hand that wasn't attached to a freshly shot shoulder. Nathaniel smiled at me, and that was enough. I regretted having to kill Haven the way I did, but I couldn't regret him being dead. He'd shot Nathaniel. He'd meant to take that smile, those eyes, and the hand in mine away from me forever. No, I didn't regret Haven being dead. If Noel hadn't been dead, I think I'd have felt a lot better than I did about all of it.

"I'm sorry that you had to kill Haven," Nathaniel said.

I blinked and realized I wasn't sure what my face had been showing in the last few minutes. I smiled at him. "It's okay."

"No," he said, "it's not."

I shrugged, the spare shoulder rig a little tight. The old one was going to have to be repaired, again. At least I hadn't had it cut off me in an emergency room. "It is what it is."

"Do you want me to let you be all macho about this?" he asked.

I nodded. "Please. I had my breakdown earlier."

He squeezed my hand. "I'm sorry I wasn't there to help."

That made me smile again. "Jean-Claude and Richard handled me."

There was a soft knock at the door, and I didn't know who it was until Damian came through. I was still numb from Marmee Noir and the Lover of Death, and from everything else. I realized this was the most alone in my head and emotions I'd been in a very long time. I used to crave being separate; now it felt weird, as if a piece of me had gone AWOL.

Damian had changed into his favorite robe. It looked like a Victorian smoking jacket except it came down to his ankles. The robe's velvet had rubbed almost away at the elbows and other places. I'd never asked, but I was pretty certain that the robe wasn't a reproduction. He'd worn this robe for over a hundred years. It had become a comfort object for him, but I didn't begrudge it to him; I might be sleeping with a certain toy penguin if I ever got to sleep again.

His red hair was dry and shining over the dark of the robe. Straight hair dried so much faster than curly. He had a small covered tray. The rich scent of coffee was mixed in with other scents. I smelled mainly coffee but was pretty sure there was food underneath the cover. I fought not to frown. I so wasn't hungry.

"Don't give me that look," he said. "You have to eat."

"I so don't want food, Damian."

He walked to the little sliding table/tray by the bed and sat the food on it. He lifted the cover and the perfume of the coffee filled the room. I had to admit it smelled good. The tray was heaped with croissants, various cheeses, and fruit. It looked like enough food for all of us, if Damian could eat solid food. "Coffee, then," I said.

He shook his head. "Nathaniel is drawing on us to heal himself. If you want him to heal quickly, and with no scar, we need the energy to feed him. You and I will have to eat more so Nathaniel doesn't drain us." He put a croissant, a small piece of cheese, and some fruit on a little plate.

I slumped in the chair and fought not to scowl. Nathaniel squeezed my hand. It made me look at him. "I can try to stop taking so much energy from the two of you."

I shook my head. "No, that's one of the benefits of the triumvirate." I made myself sit up straight. "I want you healed as fast as possible. I'll eat, but I'd really like the coffee first."

Damian held the plate out to me. "One whole croissant, one piece of cheese, or two pieces of fruit and then you can have the coffee."

"Yes, Daddy," I said, frowning as I took the food.

"I could have brought sausage. Protein will help him heal the fastest and give us the most energy. I was nice, bringing something light."

The thought of meat made me vaguely ill. I took the food he offered a little more gratefully. "Thank you, Damian."

He frowned at me, almost suspicious. "You're welcome."

His expression made me laugh. "Don't look so suspicious. You're right and I'm admitting it."

He smiled, but his green eyes held just a hint of mistrust. "You don't usually give in this fast."

I glanced at Nathaniel and then at the food. "I just want everyone well, that's all." I picked up a strawberry and took a bite of it. It was juicy and sweet and so ripe that another day would have seen it too ripe. It tasted good enough that I knew I was a lot hungrier than I'd realized. Two strawberries and half a croissant later, I asked, "Can I have the coffee now, please?"

He smiled and handed me the cup. It was actually a big travel mug with penguins on it. The words around the penguins were Wake up and smell the coffee Wake up and smell the coffee. Micah had found it for me on one of his business trips. Everyone who could drink coffee had their travel mugs, or used the generic ones that matched the red and black plates. The kitchen was too far away from some of the rooms, so ways to keep hot things hot were important.

I sipped the coffee, closing my eyes so the smell and taste of it could have their way with me. I'd finally convinced everyone that good coffee was a necessity, not a luxury.

"That's better," Damian said. I heard sounds and opened my eyes to find he'd pulled up the room's second chair. His robe gaped a little, showing a lot of pale naked chest. He had that peaches-and-cream complexion of most redheads, but the complexion hadn't seen sunlight for hundreds of years. His skin was so white it almost seemed to glow against the dark of the robe.

"I've already taken blood again," he said. "Your job is to eat solid food, since I can't."

I nodded, sipping the coffee again, and went back to holding Nathaniel's hand. Damian reached out and laid a hand on Nathaniel's leg where it lay under the covers. The moment he touched him, it was as if the circuit completed. Power breathed over us, through us, so the warm rush of Nathaniel, the cool energy of Damian, and my own power that seemed to be a mixture of both just suddenly flooded over us like three different streams of water intermingling until I couldn't tell where one energy left off and the other began. My shoulder hurt, a lot. The pain was sharp and dull at the same time, and I knew that whatever the doctors had done to fix the wound had cost Nathaniel other pain.

Then it was gone, stopped. My shoulder was just a dull aching memory. I opened my eyes without realizing that I'd closed them. Damian was standing, not touching anyone. His taking his hand away had stopped it.

"You're our master, Anita; you have to get better at controlling this," he said from the far side of the room, as he rubbed his shoulder where Nathaniel's wound would have been.

"I'm sorry," I said. "It was like all the lights came on at once."

"I know bad things have happened, Anita. I'm sorry about Haven, and Noel, but you can't afford to retreat from your psychic abilities like this."

I stood up, ready to be angry. "I'm doing the best I can."

"We know that," Nathaniel said, voice low.

It made me look at him. Just seeing him hurt and lying there was enough to calm the anger. Nothing could be bad today. Nathaniel was alive, and he would heal. That alone made it a really good day.

"I'm sorry, Nathaniel." I looked at Damian. "I'm sorry, Damian." I shook my head. "I'm just tired, but I shouldn't be. We were pa.s.sed out for hours."

"Pa.s.sed out is not the same thing as sleeping, Anita. You're more than just tired," Damian said, and came back across the room, though he didn't try to touch either of us again.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"You need to eat more food and then sleep for a couple of hours."

I shook my head. "Last I checked we're trying to stay ahead of some of the most powerful vampires in the world. I don't have time for a nap."

"If you push yourself, not only will Nathaniel not heal as well, or as fast, but you'll begin to drain me, too. You can't do your usual, Anita. Not eating, not sleeping, just pushing."

Nathaniel gave a soft laugh.

I glared at him. "What?"

"It's just I've heard this conversation a lot over the last year. You'll argue, Damian or I will push, and you'll finally take care of yourself. Can't you, just this once, give in now?" He closed his eyes, and a look of pain crossed over his face. I remembered the pain I'd felt from that one big connection between us. I sighed and slumped back into the chair. I picked up the plate I'd put on the bedside table. "I'll finish my food, and then what do you want me to do?"

Damian and Nathaniel exchanged a look. Damian said, "Wow, I'm not used to you giving in this soon; I was just supposed to get you to eat and then ask the doctor what she wanted us to do next. You eat, and I'll be right back with doctor's instructions." He went for the door.

"Am I really that big a pain in the a.s.s?" I asked.

They spoke at the same time. Damian said, "Yes." Nathaniel said, "You can be."

"You know, the Vegas tigers should be on the ground by now," I said.

"They are," Damian said, "but Jean-Claude filled them in on what's been happening. They're calling the other tiger clans to try to get as many to St. Louis as quickly as possible. Get some rest for a couple of hours, before you have to start working with the tigers."

"What does that mean?" I asked, croissant in hand.

"It means I'll talk to the doctor and you don't have to worry about it right now. Eat, help Nathaniel get better, and stop being such a pain in the a.s.s." With that he left.

I thought of a lot of things to say, but they all sounded petty, so I ate my food and tried not to be a pain in the a.s.s. I think every man in my life, and most of the women, would say it wasn't one of my best things.

CHAPTER 27

DOCTOR'S ORDERS WERE to curl up next to Nathaniel and share energy with him while we slept. As doctor's orders went I'd had worse. Micah had lain next to him while I got my s.h.i.t together. Now it was my turn. We'd have shift changes of lycanthropes sleeping next to the wounded until they were healed. There was something about just the closeness of the beasts' different energy that sped healing for the shapeshifters. They usually put two shapeshifters per wounded, but we didn't have enough of them at the Circus to guard the building and put two apiece on Nathaniel and and Claudia, who was just down the hallway. I'd checked on her, but she'd been deeply asleep. I'd been a.s.sured she'd be fine and she already had her bunk buddy, so I did what I was told for a change. I stripped down and cuddled with Nathaniel. Claudia, who was just down the hallway. I'd checked on her, but she'd been deeply asleep. I'd been a.s.sured she'd be fine and she already had her bunk buddy, so I did what I was told for a change. I stripped down and cuddled with Nathaniel.

I let myself sink in against his side, one leg over his thigh so my thigh touched just the edge of his groin, not for s.e.x, but because it comforted us both. One arm went around his waist. The rest of me snuggled in against his body until we fit like two puzzle pieces shaped and molded to form the corner of the picture. It was a place to begin, so that the other pieces could fit in around us, and eventually if there were enough pieces the picture would be whole, and everything would be fine.

I drank in the smoothness of his skin, the sweet vanilla scent of him, but under it all was another sweet smell. Sweet copper pennies, blood, meat, his body opened up and hurt. I snuggled lower on his body to bury my face deeper against his skin until all I could smell was his skin, whole and sweet.

Nathaniel fell asleep first, and I lay in the darkened room feeling his body rise and fall under my arm. I listened to his soft breath as it deepened. He usually fell asleep before I did, but I fought sleep so I could feel him beside me just a few minutes longer. I knew how close I'd come to never having him beside me again. The thought made me wrap myself tighter around him, and eventually I slept beside him.

I was back in the living room staring down into Haven's blue eyes. I raised the gun and started to pull the trigger, but it wasn't Haven anymore, it was Jason. I had a moment to raise the gun ceilingward and not fire into his blue eyes, and then it was Haven again and he was shooting me.

I came awake gasping, and only Nathaniel's body beside me let me know it was just a dream, just a dream. I lay there with my pulse thudding on my tongue, chest painful with the beat of my own heart. I heard the door open softly, and my hand went under the pillow automatically for the gun I'd placed there, but it was Nicky, back in human form, and armed. Apparently he'd been on guard outside the door. He closed the door softly behind him and walked toward us. I started to take my hand out from under the pillow and then didn't. I liked the weight of the gun in my hand while the werelion walked toward me. Nicky was mine in a way that no one else was, mine to the point where there was almost not anything left of who he'd been, but I'd thought Haven had been tamed, too. Be a b.i.t.c.h to be wrong twice in the same day.

He held his hands out to his sides, showing that he was unarmed. Something about how I lay on the bed, or maybe even my hand under the pillow, had let him know I was spooked.

He whispered, "You cried out in your sleep. Are you all right?" He stayed where he was, hands still out.

I let out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding, and nodded.

"Can I come closer?"

I nodded again and tried to force myself to let go of the gun under the pillow. I circled my hand around it a little more firmly as he moved toward the bed. He smiled down at me and started to reach out to touch my arm.

I whispered, "Don't."

He stopped moving, frowning. "What's wrong?"

"Bad dreams."

"About me?"

"No."

"Then why can't I touch you?" he whispered. It was a good question. I thought about it and finally realized I had to stop being this spooked. I couldn't function like this. Either I trusted Nicky or I didn't. We'd never trusted Haven enough to put him on guard duty here, even if he'd have done it. In fact, Nicky was the only werelion we trusted that much. That had to change. Anyone we couldn't trust had to leave St. Louis. With that decision, a little tension eased.

Then there was the sound of church bells, melodious and sweet, but it would wake Nathaniel. Nicky got my cell phone off my piled clothes and handed it to me without being asked. I'd forgotten to turn off the ringer.

I took the phone from him, forcing myself to let go of the gun so I could prop myself up better. Was it a bad sign that I felt less secure without the gun actually in my hand? I felt Nathaniel shift behind me and knew the phone had woken him. I answered the phone without checking to see who it was, just wanting the noise to stop. "I'm here." And I knew it was more a snarl than a greeting.

"Blake, is that you?"

I didn't recognize the man's voice at first. "It's me. Who is this?"

"You f.u.c.k me and my people over that completely and you don't remember me. Perfect."

I had a moment to try and think. The clue was, he said me and my people me and my people. "Jacob?"

"Yeah."

Nicky looked down at me with his one eye and his spill of bangs halfway down his face. He was watching more intently now, like a cat that sees movement.

I tried to picture Nicky's tall ex-Rex. He had blond hair going gray around the edges, but the face and body that went with the hair were still muscular and firm. When you're a werelion Rex, you have to stay in shape. Besides, all the shapeshifters age slower than normal humans, something about shapeshifting repairing their cell structure. "What do you want?"

"You always this friendly on the phone?" he asked.

"Yeah, when I've just been woken up."

"It's daylight where you are." Which implied that where he was, it was night. Since he and his pride were international a.s.sa.s.sins and kidnappers, among other things, he could have been anywhere in the world.

"I work nights, Jacob. What do you want?"

"Maybe I don't want anything. Maybe I'll just hang up and let you take care of your own mess."