"Bateman, Bateman, Bateman, Bateman, " Hamlin is droning.

"I'm here. Shut the fuck up."

"Are we still procrastinating?" McDermott asks. "Don't procrastinate."

"I've decided I'd rather play golf," I say. "I haven't been golfing in a long time."

"Fuck golf, Batsman," Hamlin says. "We have a nine o'clock reservation at Kaktus"

"And a reservation to cancel at 1500 in, um, let's see... twenty minutes ago, Batsman," McDermott says. a reservation to cancel at 1500 in, um, let's see... twenty minutes ago, Batsman," McDermott says.

"Oh shit, Craig. Cancel Cancel them them now now," I say tiredly.

"God, I hate golf," Hamlin says, shuddering.

"You cancel them," McDermott says, laughing. cancel them," McDermott says, laughing.

"What name are they under?" I ask, not laughing, my voice rising.

After a pause, McDermott says "Carruthers" softly.

Hamlin and I burst out laughing.

"Really?" I ask.

"We couldn't get into Zeus Bar," Hamlin says. "So it's Kaktus."

"Hip," I say dejectedly. "I guess."

"Cheer up." Hamlin chortles.

My call waiting buzzes again and before I can even decide whether to take it or not, Hamlin makes up my mind for me. "Now if you guys don't want to go to Kaktus"

"Wait, my call waiting," I say. "Hold on."

Jeanette is in tears. "What aren't you capable of?" she asks, sobbing. "Just tell me what you are not not capable of." capable of."

"Baby. Jeanette," I say soothingly. "Listen, please. We'll be at Zeus Bar at ten. Okay?"

"Patrick, please," she begs. "I'm okay. I just want to talk"

"I'll see you at nine or ten, whenever," I say. "I've gotta go. Hamlin and McDermott are on the other line."

"Okay." She sniffs, composing herself, clearing her throat. "I'll see you there. I'm really sor"

I click back onto the other line. McDermott is the only one left.

"He got off," McDermott says. "He'll see us at nine."

"Great," I murmur. "I feel settled."

"Who was that?"

"Jeanette," I say.

I hear a faint click, then another one.

"Was that yours or mine?" McDermott asks.

"Yours," I say, "I think."

"Hold on."

I wait, impatiently pacing the length of the kitchen. McDermott clicks back on.

"It's Van Patten," he says. "I'm putting him on threeway."

Four more clicks.

"Hey Bateman," Van Patten cries out. "Buddy."

"Mr. Manhattan," I say. "I'm acknowledging you."

"Hey, what's the correct way to wear a cummerbund?" he asks.

"I already answered that twice today," I warn.

The two of them start talking about whether or not Van Patten can get to Kaktus by nine and I've stopped concentrating on the voices coming through the cordless phone and started watching instead, with growing interest, the rat I've bought I still have the mutant one that emerged from the toilet in its new glass cage, heave what's left of its acidridden body halfway across the elaborate Habitrail system that sits on the kitchen table, where it attempts to drink from the water holder that I filled with poisoned Evian this morning. The scene seems too pitiful to me or not pitiful enough. I can't decide. A callwaiting noise takes me out of my mindless delirium and I tell Van Patten and McDermott to please hold.

I click off, then pause before saying, "You have reached the home of Patrick Bateman. Please leave a message after"

"Oh for god's sake, Patrick, grow up up," Evelyn moans. "Just stop stop it. Why do you insist on doing that? Do you really think you're going to get away with it?" it. Why do you insist on doing that? Do you really think you're going to get away with it?"

"With what?" I ask innocently. "Protecting myself?"

"With torturing me," she pouts.

"Honey," I say.

"Yes?" she sniffs.

"You don't know what torture is. You don't know what you're talking about," I tell her. "You really don't know what you're talking about."

"I don't want to talk about it," she says. "It's over. Now, what are you doing for dinner tonight?" Her voice softens. "I was thinking maybe dinner at TDK at, oh, say ninish?"

"I'm eating at the Harvard Club by myself by myself tonight," I say. tonight," I say.

"Oh don't be silly," Evelyn says. "I know you're having dinner at Kaktus with Hamlin and McDermott."

"How do you know that that?" I ask, not caring if I've been caught in a lie. "Anyway, it's Zeus Bar, not Kaktus."

"Because I just talked to Cindy," she says.

"I thought Cindy was going to this plant or tree this bush benefit," I say.

"Oh no, no, no," Evelyn says. "That's next next week. Do you want to go?" week. Do you want to go?"

"Hold on," I say.

I get back on the line with Craig and Van Patten.

"Bateman?" Van Patten asks. "What the fuck fuck are you doing?" are you doing?"

"How the hell does Cindy know we're having dinner at Kaktus?" I demand.

"Hamlin told her?" McDermott guesses. "I don't know."

"Because now Evelyn Evelyn knows," I say. knows," I say.

"When the fuck fuck is Wolfgang Puck going to open a restaurant in this goddamn city?" Van Patten asks us. is Wolfgang Puck going to open a restaurant in this goddamn city?" Van Patten asks us.

"Is Van Patten on his third sixpack of Fosters or is he still, like, working on his first?" I ask McDermott.

"The question you're asking, Patrick," McDermott begins, "is, should we exclude the women or not? Right?"

"Something is turning into nothing very quickly," I warn. "That's all I'm saying."

"Should you invite Evelyn?" McDermott asks. "Is this what you want to know?"

"No, we should not not," I stress.

"Well, hey, I wanted to bring Elizabeth," Van Patten says timidly (mocktimidly?).

"No," I say. "No women."

"What's wrong with Elizabeth?" Van Patten asks.

"Yeah?" McDermott follows.

"She's an idiot. No, she's intelligent. I can't tell. Don't invite her," I say.

After a pause I hear Van Patten say, "I sense weirdness starting."

"Well, if not Elizabeth, what about Sylvia josephs?" McDermott suggests.

"Nah, too old to fuck," Van Patten says.

"Oh Christ," McDermott says. "She's twentythree."

"Twentyeight," I correct.

"Really?" a concerned McDermott asks, after pausing.

"Yes" I say. "Really."

McDermott's left saying "Oh."

"Shit, I just forgot," I say, slapping my hand to my forehead "I invited Jeanette."

"Now that is one babe I would not mind, ahem, inviting inviting," Van Patten says lewdly.

"Why does a nice young babe like Jeanette put up with you?" McDermott asks. "Why does does she put up with you, Bateman?" she put up with you, Bateman?"

"I keep her in cashmere. A great deal of cashmere," I murmur, and then, "I've got to call her and tell her not to come."

"Aren't you forgetting something?" McDermott asks me.

"What?" I'm lost in thought.

"Is, like, Evelyn still on the other line?"

"Oh shit," I exclaim. "Hold on."

"Why am I even bothering with this?" I hear McDermott ask himself, sighing.

"Bring Evelyn," Van Patten cries out. "She's a babe too! Tell her to meet us at Zeus Bar at ninethirty!"

"Okay, okay," I shout before clicking back to the other line.

"I do not appreciate this, Patrick," Evelyn is saying.

"How about meeting us at Zeus Bar at ninethirty?" I suggest.

"Can I bring Stash and Vanden?" she asks coyly.

"Is she the one with a tattoo?" I ask back, coyly.

"No," she sighs. "No tattoo."

"Bypass, bypass."

"Oh Pat Patrick," she whines.

"Look, you were lucky you were even invited, so just..." My voice trails off.

Silence, during which I don't feel bad.

"Come on, just meet us there," I say. "I'm sorry."