"You think think?" My heart was pounding.

"Don't have a heart attack." Karla laughed. "Gosh, you need to unwind a little bit, Jesse. I think maybe you work too much."

Karla wasn't pretending to be tough-she was was tough. She was a hothead, sure, but her pugnacity was tempered with enough maturity and smarts that it came off as impressive more than anything else. tough. She was a hothead, sure, but her pugnacity was tempered with enough maturity and smarts that it came off as impressive more than anything else. Together, Together, I thought secretly, I thought secretly, we make a pretty great package we make a pretty great package.

Glenn had remained a friend over the years. One afternoon, he approached me with a proposition.

"Jesse," he said, "how about you come back to work for me for a while?"

"What's the gig?"

"Just a U.S. tour. Simple as can be. What do you say? Are you there?"

"Oh, why not?" I said, shrugging. "You guys suck pretty bad these days, but I suppose I could do a few shows just for old time's sake."

Danzig had been steadily gaining in popularity, and by the early nineties, they'd begun to play larger arenas. Instead of working clubs with two thousand or three thousand kids, now they were playing in ten-thousand-seat arenas, and as usual kicking huge mountains of a.s.s. The crowds were harder to control at big shows, though, and more security was necessary. Arenas had to hire their own team of guys-locals who didn't necessarily have experience or any sympathy with the punk scene itself. own team of guys-locals who didn't necessarily have experience or any sympathy with the punk scene itself.

One night in Orlando, Florida, I had a very bad feeling that something was going to go wrong. All of the security looked like meathead ex-football players, which kind of made me hate them right off the bat. Then I saw that they were being really aggressive to the kids who were slam dancing and crowd surfing. Whenever a kid got up on someone's shoulders, they'd pounce on him and wrestle him to the ground.

"a.s.sholes," I mumbled to myself. The fans were just expending some energy. If they tried to touch the band, well, then that was one thing. But crowd surfing? That was part of what they paid for.

"Tell your children not to hold my hand," Glenn screamed. Glenn screamed.

I stood there stewing, but then the music punched into me, making my hair stand on end. I had been doing this for several years, but it still thrilled me to be on stage, watching the barricade pulse, feeling the manic energy of thousands of punk elbows and knees flying.

"Tell your children not to understand!" he cried. he cried.

Just then, I saw a very tiny kid get up on someone's shoulders in the first row. He looked like a little twelve-year-old punker, with a shaved head and maroon lace-up Doc Marten's that were about three sizes too big for him-a little mutt of a kid. He was tossed backward and started to surf the crowd. They pa.s.sed him from hand to hand. He looked surprised and ecstatic. I grinned. He was having his time.

"Hey, get the f.u.c.k f.u.c.k down from there!" down from there!"

Out of nowhere, a beefy security guard came stomping toward him, salivating-this kid was easy meat. The guard pushed three kids out of his way, and then seized the little twelve-year-old by the scruff of the neck and slammed him down to the ground.

I watched it happen, and again it p.i.s.sed me off. Let the kids mosh. That's the whole point. Let the kids mosh. That's the whole point. After a minute, I realized something After a minute, I realized something was wrong. The runt wasn't getting up. He had been down there too long. Immediately, I jumped down from the stage into the crowd. It was an eight-foot drop. My boots. .h.i.t the floor hard, stinging. was wrong. The runt wasn't getting up. He had been down there too long. Immediately, I jumped down from the stage into the crowd. It was an eight-foot drop. My boots. .h.i.t the floor hard, stinging.

"Move! Get out of the way, now now!"

I pushed everyone away from the spot where he had landed. They cleared.

And there, on the ground, lay the small punk, completely motionless.

I picked him up in my arms. He weighed almost nothing. I felt some kind of convulsing in his chest.

"Wake up, kid," I said. There was no response. "Come on on!"

He gave no acknowledgment that he'd heard me, though. Scared, I hefted him up and placed him on stage. I jumped back up, and, picking him up, I ran through the side doors to get us into the fresh air.

"Please, kid," I said, crying. "Hey, wake up, man. Don't die on us, okay?"

At that moment, I felt him go completely limp in my arms.

8.

I was just so devastated. I had never felt anyone die in my arms before. He was such a skinny little kid, tiny. More than anything, he was so incredibly young. young.

"It never should have happened," I said hoa.r.s.ely that night on the phone with Karla. I tried to express the grief that was overwhelming me. "They didn't have to pull him down like that."

"I'm really sorry, Jesse," she said. Her voice was soft. "I'm so sorry that happened."

"The worst worst case should have been to take that kid and throw him out of the show, you know?" I choked. case should have been to take that kid and throw him out of the show, you know?" I choked.

"Yes," Karla said.

"He's listening to his favorite band, crowd surfing, going nuts-and then suddenly, he's outside, listening to the show. That'd be enough of a lesson, wouldn't it?" I sniffed. "Instead, they broke his neck and he's f.u.c.king dead. dead."

Karla was quiet for a moment. "Is there any way you could change things?"

"Meatheads rule this job. I can try to tell them to use less force. But I don't know if they're gonna listen."

"Jesse, you are so gentle," Karla said. "You look like such a big, tough guy. But you're just this little gentle guy inside. Aren't you?"

"Yeah, right," I grumbled. "Whatever."

"Hey, wait a second," Karla said, seriously. "I love love that about you. You understand that, right?" that about you. You understand that, right?"

I didn't say anything.

"I love you, you, Jesse." Jesse."

I didn't respond. Just listened to the hum of the phone. "I better go," I said, finally.

"I said, said, I love you," Karla repeated. She waited. "Got anything to say to that?" I love you," Karla repeated. She waited. "Got anything to say to that?"

From that day on, I made sure that if I was going to work, part of my job would include training the arena security on the day of the gig.

"These kids are going to mosh," I told everyone. "They're going to look like they're killing each other. But they aren't. aren't. If anyone's fighting for real, drawing blood, or actually posing a real threat, just grab them and escort them out, and shut the door behind them." If anyone's fighting for real, drawing blood, or actually posing a real threat, just grab them and escort them out, and shut the door behind them."

I was greeted by nods and affable shrugs.

"Do not injure injure anyone," I said. anyone," I said.

But it's tough to change the way aggressive men operate. Aging jocks with pale-yellow security jackets and thick beer bellies continued to break punk heads all across Ann Arbor, Boston, and New York City. I probably even broke a few myself. Bit by bit, I felt myself growing disgusted by the entire enterprise.

"I'm thinking about turning in my stripes," I confessed to Eerie Von, Danzig's ba.s.sist.

"Yeah," he said.

"You're not surprised?" I asked.

"Jesse," he said, "you are way too smart for this."

"Ah, shut up."

Eerie shrugged. "I don't see you being sixty years old and still knocking people on their heads." He took a long pull at his beer, and stared at me incredulously. "Do you?"

With Eerie and Glenn's encouragement, I segued into tour management. Now, instead of being in the front lines, I was handling the day-in and day-out needs for the bands. I was accountable for an exhausting litany of tasks, including but not limited to: checking the musicians into their hotel rooms, getting their keys, producing a reliable itinerary, schmoozing the front desk, standing up to the concert promoters, and making sure there was Jim Beam and not Jack Daniel's in the dressing rooms-or Gummy Bears and not Jujubes.

This is totally f.u.c.king absurd, I realized in no time at all. Rock stars were very talented at what they did, to be sure, but they were also coddled little children who were generally used to getting their own way. I was not very good at coddling. It was not part of my skill set. I realized in no time at all. Rock stars were very talented at what they did, to be sure, but they were also coddled little children who were generally used to getting their own way. I was not very good at coddling. It was not part of my skill set.

I was pretty d.a.m.n proficient at collecting the money, though. Concert promoters, notorious for lying about the gate, often put their heads together with sleazy tour managers to stiff the record companies and skim great profits off the top. I was a record company's dream-no concert promoter in the world was going to swindle me. I looked way too scary. At the end of the week, I'd fly out to the record executives with a big briefcase full of cash, feeling like a Mafia don.

But the thrill of transporting someone else's hundred-dollar bills was fleeting. I wasn't quite dumb enough to think there was a future in what I was doing.

Then one day Eerie came to me, looking low.

"Jess," he said glumly, "you're going to have to book Chuck a flight back home."

"Why's that?"

"Dimwit, man. He's dead."

Chuck Biscuit's little brother had died of a heroin overdose. Dimwit had been a one-of-a-kinder, a great talent with a huge personality, not to mention the guy who'd hooked me up with touring in the first place. He was one of the most brutal drummers punk had ever seen, but he wasn't invincible. The lifestyle had kicked his a.s.s, and I saw it as a sign.

What finally pushed me over the edge, though, wasn't the death and drugs surrounding me. Instead, it was a simple videotape.

I was working for White Zombie at the time. We were all sitting on a tour bus, headed into Detroit, when Rob Zombie leaned over to me and said, "Jesse, you like bikes, right?"

"Yes, Rob," I said patiently. Rob knew I liked bikes. Everybody who knew me at that time understood it was all I could stand to talk about with any kind of interest. He was just giving me the needle. "Yes I do."

"Then you'll get a huge huge kick out of this." And he flipped on the kick out of this." And he flipped on the Easyriders Easyriders tape. tape.

Easyriders Video Magazine-not to be confused with the famous Peter Fonda movie of similar name-was a cheesy promotional vehicle that focused on the bearded dudes and jean-shorted chicks who inhabited the bike world. This particular episode featured some geriatric biker who apparently had done security for the Grateful Dead for about twenty-five years.

"This right here's my baby baby!" said the roadie proudly, thumbing toward a decrepit Harley panhead that leaned next to a brick building, a ramshackle police-service sidecar attached clumsily to the old machine.

I squinted distrustfully at the television screen, inspecting that roadie more closely. A dirty red bandanna wrapped around his head. Beard stubble sprouted from his chin and cheeks, grizzled and irregular. head. Beard stubble sprouted from his chin and cheeks, grizzled and irregular.

s.h.i.t, I thought to myself. I thought to myself. Is that going to be . . . me? Is that going to be . . . me?

Outside my window, Midwest scenery whipped by. I envisioned myself twenty years from now, with cracked teeth and flabby arms, going out on midnight runs for the band: Jess! Pick us up some speed, would ya, man? Haw haw haw! Roadies rule! Jess! Pick us up some speed, would ya, man? Haw haw haw! Roadies rule!

I knew I had to get out. And fast.

That night, Rob and I were s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g around backstage before the show, and he started teasing me again.

"For a big, rugged f.u.c.ker, you sure are a big softy, softy," Rob said. "Aren't you? I mean, tour manager? Booking rooms, are you serious?"

"I don't have to bust heads to be a man, man, Rob," I said gently. Rob," I said gently.

"Scared of the crowd." He shook his head sadly. "Man, I never thought I'd see the day!"

"Unlike your typical rock star," I said, "I was not born with a tiny dingle."

"Beg your pardon?"

"All I mean to say is that I have a normal-sized p.e.n.i.s. Unlike your typical singer for White Zombie, I don't feel the need to continually a.s.sert my masculinity in public."

"Oh bulls.h.i.t bulls.h.i.t!" Rob laughed. "You've gone soft, Jesse. Man, you would not even stage dive stage dive now, given the chance. You old woman!" now, given the chance. You old woman!"

"I'd stage dive," I countered.

"You would not."

"Absolutely. It'd be fun."

"Really?" Rob said wickedly. "How about tonight?" Rob said wickedly. "How about tonight?"

"How high is the stage?"

"Fifteen feet." He laughed. "Big drop! But I mean, if that's too high, you could wait until our gig this spring at the La Jolla Senior Center."

"f.u.c.k you," I said. "Tonight's the night."

"When I go into 'I Am Legend,'" Rob said, "that's your cue. You dive right into the crowd and start surfing. That work for you?"

"I'm Jesse James," I reminded him. "Original head-buster. In some circles, I am still 'the man.'"

"You are so not doing this," Rob said, laughing.

I watched the whole show excitedly, like it was my first. When White Zombie finally thrashed the opening chords to "I Am Legend," I took a running start. My big steel-toed boots smashed hard onto the boards of the stage. At the last possible moment, I pushed off the steel lip, and, jumping as high as I could, soared directly over the crowd like a huge, ugly eagle.

Detroit f.u.c.kers aren't stupid, though. The crowd parted like split s.h.i.t, and I smashed directly down onto the concrete floor. I dislocated my elbow, shattered my radial head, broke my thumb, my nose, and my cheeks.

"Christ," I mumbled weakly. "Can somebody call a doctor?"

The band wailed on unrelentingly. Some punk's boot came down smashing on my busted thumb, shooting waves of awful pain. A knee slammed into my back, and for a moment, I lost consciousness. I was twenty-four years old, and I was done with this s.h.i.t.