And you can either keep your flowerbeds or your male dog intact.

If you have a terrier or other natural tunneler, however, diversion is probably the best tactic. To wit: To wit: Give your dog her own personal digging pit. Give your dog her own personal digging pit.

Pick out a corner, loosen the soil and/or add sand, and set up barriers-not high enough to prevent access, but clear enough to provide boundaries. Then lure your dog to the area by burying toys, food, or whatever treasure you think she would want to unearth. If your pup doesn't have an especially strong sniffer, let her watch the process. It might take a bit of time to establish your garden's dog patch, but eventually you'll create a gardening companion who's not Shiva the destroyer.

And don't forget to replenish the dirt and underground goodies now and then to maintain the desirability of this bit of doggie real estate.

CHAPTER 10.

LOOSE ENDS-AND ENDINGS

90. AM I USING MY DOG AS A SUBSt.i.tUTE FOR MY KIDS WHO LEFT FOR COLLEGE?.

Yes. And why do you think this is a problem?

When did your children last take long walks with you, listen to you without interrupting to ask for money, and fail to criticize your clothing choices?

With a dog, your unconditional love will be requited.107 Only the very unlucky would have their dogs run away and their adult children return home to live with them.

Your relationship with your dog might even improve your relationship with any irritating, overly demanding offspring. When you see said ingrates, just keep referring positively to Leona Helmsley, who willed $12 million108 to her Maltese, Trouble, while leaving two of her four grandchildren bupkus. Your own relatives should get the hint-and if they don't, they're too thick to be fiscally responsible and will doubtless squander your hard-earned money. to her Maltese, Trouble, while leaving two of her four grandchildren bupkus. Your own relatives should get the hint-and if they don't, they're too thick to be fiscally responsible and will doubtless squander your hard-earned money.

And at least you can say you've been there, done that as far as producing progeny is concerned. Some people worry that getting a dog is a subst.i.tute for having children. To them I say the world is greatly overpopulated. You're helping to conserve the earth's limited resources. And if you rescued and spayed or neutered your dog, you earned double the good karma points. (If, on the other hand, you supported a puppy mill, points will be deducted. I'm not sure how many; the universe rarely speaks to me in specifics.) And there are those who fear they've gotten a dog to avoid relationships with other people entirely. No worries. Human and canine bonds are far from mutually exclusive. Unless your pup tries to bite everyone he comes into contact with-in which case a lot more training is in order-a dog usually serves as a social lubricant.

That said, human relationships tend to be overrated. And at least with a dog, you're bound to get more fresh air and exercise than you would if you were parked at your computer buying power tools for your Second Life avatar.

91. WHAT SHOULD I SAY TO PEOPLE WHO CRITICIZE ME FOR SPENDING TOO MUCH ON MY DOG?.

It's one of life's oddities. Few people would question your purchase of a flat-screen TV or of a new car-unless you couldn't afford it, in which case, under the guise of concern, your friends and family members would discuss your spendthrift ways behind your back. But many will feel free to second-guess the amount you spend on a living creature who gives you great joy (and doesn't question your purchases, unless you've bought the wrong type of dog food).

Responses to their criticism might include: Questioning some of their recent purchases for their children/significant others, noting that your dog is smarter and more grateful (not recommended, but fun to contemplate).Inquiring how much they spent on their shoes/jacket/ last restaurant dinner-anything that might be expensive-and asking if the money wouldn't be better directed toward [fill in the name of a charity or political cause]. If your interlocutors are not given to costly or frivolous purchases and do give money to [fill in the name of a charity or political cause], you can inquire how much they've given to animal welfare lately. (Don't worry; if animal welfare was one of their causes, they never would have questioned your canine-directed expenditures.) But this brings up a valid issue of priorities. You might consider donating some money to dogs in need109 instead of buying yours a new collar; dogs don't much care what they wear. If you're flush enough to do both, more power to you. instead of buying yours a new collar; dogs don't much care what they wear. If you're flush enough to do both, more power to you.110 Then again, it's really none of my business-which is the best answer (in reverse) you can give anyone who questions your spending habits. Then again, it's really none of my business-which is the best answer (in reverse) you can give anyone who questions your spending habits.

92. I'D LIKE TO BRING MY DOG TO WORK. HOW CAN I FIND A DOG-FRIENDLY JOB?

I included this question in my book outline before the economy began tanking, and-given the current difficulty of finding work, period-thought about subst.i.tuting something else. Then it occurred to me that the dog/job question was still very relevant. Involuntarily becoming a freelancer, independent contractor, or plain old unemployed person allows you to spend more time with your dog-a perk that inspired many a boom-time decision to telecommute, whether publicly acknowledged or not.111

And the dog-friendly workplace is not just a bark in the dark; it's likely to be around for a long time. Nearly one in five businesses-most of them smaller or nontraditional (like Google)-allow dogs on the premises, a policy that has little to do with benevolence. Studies show that welcoming pets112 increases productivity and reduces absenteeism. Some 66 percent of respondents to a increases productivity and reduces absenteeism. Some 66 percent of respondents to a Dogster.com survey said they would work longer hours if they had their dogs with them; 49 percent said they would switch jobs if they could take their dog to work; 32 percent said they'd take a pay cut to work with their dogs; and 70 percent considered a dog-friendly workplace an important employee benefit. survey said they would work longer hours if they had their dogs with them; 49 percent said they would switch jobs if they could take their dog to work; 32 percent said they'd take a pay cut to work with their dogs; and 70 percent considered a dog-friendly workplace an important employee benefit.

Thus, in lieu of cash bonuses, paid health care, and other more conventional perks that workers became accustomed to in the pretanked economy, welcoming dogs is an inexpensive way for employers to show their love. If you run a business and want to attract canine-keen talent, get hold of Dogs at Work Dogs at Work by Liz Palika and Jennifer Fearing. Published by the Humane Society of the United States, this book not only lays out convincing arguments for the advantages of enacting dog-friendly policies but also provides step-by-step advice on how to do so effectively. by Liz Palika and Jennifer Fearing. Published by the Humane Society of the United States, this book not only lays out convincing arguments for the advantages of enacting dog-friendly policies but also provides step-by-step advice on how to do so effectively.

For employees, the benefits of a dog-friendly workplace are greater than just being able to hang out with your pup; you'll also have an in with upper management. Companies usually put out the animal welcome mat because the CEOs want their own dogs around. Legally, employers can't avoid hiring people with dog allergies, phobias, and plain old dislikes (go figure), and their canine concerns have to be addressed. Such people might even have useful skills. But employees who can praise the boss's pooch with genuine enthusiasm,113 or recommend the latest healthy kibble, have a definite advantage. or recommend the latest healthy kibble, have a definite advantage.

Jobs for those who don't want to suffer dog separation anxiety continue to be listed on DogFriendly.com (find the "workplace" area) as well as on such standard sites as (find the "workplace" area) as well as on such standard sites as simplyhired.com and and monster.com. No bites? Commercial real estate is going for a song. This might be the perfect time for you to start your own pooch-friendly enterprise with other top talent that's been let off a company's leash.

93. I'D LIKE TO PUT MY DOG TO WORK. HOW DO I GO ABOUT DOING THAT?

As with the previous question, the economic downturn gave this a different slant than I had originally intended. I meant to address only canine volunteer work such as visiting old age homes or helping kids read.114 But a November 2008 segment of Animal Planet's But a November 2008 segment of Animal Planet's Dogs 101 Dogs 101 has turned out to be very timely. It featured a Beagle named Tracer who is gain-fully employed sniffing out bedbug infestations. Tracer and his pal Ace, a Beagle-Husky mix, help Mike Tache, the owner of American K-9 Investigators Pest Control, earn up to $200 an hour. has turned out to be very timely. It featured a Beagle named Tracer who is gain-fully employed sniffing out bedbug infestations. Tracer and his pal Ace, a Beagle-Husky mix, help Mike Tache, the owner of American K-9 Investigators Pest Control, earn up to $200 an hour.

Perhaps your dog also does something marketable. And, no, being cute doesn't count-except for dog actors and models, but their ability to take direction is far more important.

If your dog specializes in restrained friendliness, however, she might very well be suited for a nonprofit position. When it comes to visiting hospitals and other public service jobs, temperament is far more important than good looks or even talent. Although Frankie is cute as all get out, for example, and extremely bright, he doesn't cozy up to strangers-or friends, for that matter. Several have mentioned feeling rejected by Frankie's failure to welcome them, no matter how many times they've been to my house. Imagine the effect on a sick person of a small-dog shunning.

To find out if your dog is suited for a healing profession, click on the "Activities" and then "Therapy" section of DogPlay. com. The website not only lists many local and national organizations that can help evaluate your dog and find him a job if he pa.s.ses muster, but also clears up the confusion surrounding the use of such terms as "visiting dog," "therapy dog," and "animal-a.s.sisted activity" (these generally refer to volunteer programs geared toward groups) and "animal a.s.sisted therapy" (most often used for professional programs tailored to individuals).

94. DO ALL DOGS GET GRUMPY WHEN THEY GET OLD?.

That question makes me me grumpy, and I'm not even that old. It's not age that makes geriatric dogs-and people-irritable but, rather, untreated pain and undiagnosed ailments. Your pup might have arthritis, for example, or hearing problems that you're not aware of. And now that modern veterinary science is helping dogs live longer, a version of Alzheimer's called canine cognitive dysfunction (CCD, or sometimes CDS for cognitive dysfunction syndrome) has become more common. CCD causes disorientation in dogs, just as Alzheimer's does in humans. grumpy, and I'm not even that old. It's not age that makes geriatric dogs-and people-irritable but, rather, untreated pain and undiagnosed ailments. Your pup might have arthritis, for example, or hearing problems that you're not aware of. And now that modern veterinary science is helping dogs live longer, a version of Alzheimer's called canine cognitive dysfunction (CCD, or sometimes CDS for cognitive dysfunction syndrome) has become more common. CCD causes disorientation in dogs, just as Alzheimer's does in humans.

So if your dog isn't her usual cheerful, goofy self, get her to the vet to see what's wrong. Whether or not there's a cure, you can make her life easier after you know what you're dealing with. If your dog has hearing loss, for example, you can move into her line of vision when you need to get her attention; if she has CCD, you can refrain from rearranging the furniture and thus further confusing her. And veterinary pain management has also advanced in recent years-including the recognition that alternative treatments like acupuncture may be better for older dogs on a long-term basis than harsh medicines.

See also the following question about dietary and exercise changes.

95. SHOULD I CHANGE MY DOG'S DIET AND CUT BACK ON HER EXERCISE WHEN SHE GETS OLDER?

It depends; you're as likely to want to cut back on your dog's diet and change her exercise as vice versa. And "older" is as much of a relative term for dogs as it is for humans (ask any baby boomer). Whereas large breeds start being offered seats on public transportation at age 6 or so, smaller ones don't begin reminiscing about the good old days until they're around 10 or 11. And some dogs don't conform to ageist stereotypes: they continue to eat and exercise with much the same gusto as they did when they were pups. The following, then, are just general guidelines.

DIET.

When your dog's metabolism begins to slow, he'll need to cut calories or eat less to stay trim. Extra weight puts a strain on the joints-especially painful if arthritis is involved-and often interferes with proper organ function.

Older pooches need a good balance of protein and fat in their diet, but don't require as much of either as they did when they were burning up the dog run. The key to fooling your dog into thinking she's full is fiber-also a useful antidote for that common geriatric ailment, constipation. Many older dogs can continue to eat their regular food, just less of it-perhaps with pumpkin added for low fat/high fiber bulk.

Some canine seniors have the opposite problem: they lose interest in food. It's not always easy to figure out why. Your dog may be avoiding his kibble because the pieces are too large for her to chew comfortably any more, or because, with her sense of smell diminished, she's begun finding the cuisine incredibly bland. You'll need to experiment. Try a smaller size kibble, for example, or soak the one you've been using in low-salt meat broth. Or switch from kibble to an entirely different type of food, such as canned, freeze-dried, or home-cooked; this last may be especially beneficial if your dog is having gastrointestinal problems and needs easy-to-digest fare such as chicken and rice. See Chapter 4 for suggestions about getting the nutritional balance right.

EXERCISE.

Let your dog set the pace when it comes to cutting back (or not) on workouts, although not to the point of allowing him to over- or under-do it. Dogs can sometimes push themselves too hard, especially in extreme weather, or take retirement a bit too seriously. Neither approach benefits their physical or mental health.

A change, rather than reduction, in exercise might be a good idea. You could try easier-on-the-joint activities such as swimming, for example (only an option if your dog doesn't dislike full-body immersion as much as Frankie does). And if you need to cut back on a standard play routine, consider allowing your dog to think she's as agile as ever by not throwing the ball as far as you used to.115 Mental exercise is also essential to maintaining a puppyish demeanor. A much-cited Beagle study-well, much cited in neurobiology circles, and not to be confused with the studies Charles Darwin conducted while aboard the H.M.S. Beagle H.M.S. Beagle-demonstrated that aging dogs who received mental stimulation, along with antioxidant-enriched diets, appeared friskier and smarter than the nonstimulated, nonsupplemented control group after two years. So keep up the training, play dates, educational toys, New York Times New York Times crossword puzzles ... whatever challenges your dog. crossword puzzles ... whatever challenges your dog.

96. WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO ME AND I CAN'T TAKE CARE OF MY DOG?

In some ways, this situation is harder to deal with than the usual order of things, i.e., your dog departing the world before you do. For one thing, you're forced to consider the future of your poor bereft pup whom no one will ever love as much as you do. For another, you have to contemplate your own incapacitation and demise. Perhaps worst of all, you'll need to complete a great deal of legal paperwork. So have a beer or three, wallow for a bit-and then get off your b.u.t.t. Your dog will be far more bereft if she ends up at the pound because you didn't arrange for her care.

Among the contingencies to consider: being downed for a few days or weeks; being laid up for an indefinite period of time; and being put out of commission permanently. With children, the urgency of ensuring a smooth handover to a designated guardian is always recognized. That's not the case with dogs, considered property in the eyes of the law. But your dog can't wait in a safety deposit box for a will to be probated-and you can't a.s.sume that, because your good pal Dave has always liked your pup, he'll be pleased to take permanent custody. The first order of business, then, is to remove the elements of delay and surprise from any arrangements you make.

In the following sections, I've outlined some possible scenarios and solutions. The comprehensive "Providing for Your Pet's Future Without You" section of the Humane Society's website (hsus.org/petsinwills) goes into greater detail. But it's essential that you find an attorney-preferably one with a dog-who knows the laws regarding pet dispensation in your state (see also the following question).

One way to streamline the process of reaching your emergency contacts is PetLifeline, a service offered by PetsMobility (petsmobility.com) for about $40 a year. You give the company detailed information about how to locate your dog's designated guardian, and in turn receive cards and key tags with the company's number. PetLifeline's services include not only locating a guardian and ensuring that he or she actually retrieves your dog but also following up in a week or so to see how your dog (and you) are doing. Thus anyone who is busy rescuing you or grieving over you only has to make a single phone call-and has no excuse for ignoring your dog because a caretaker couldn't easily be found.

SHORT-TERM.

Making an arrangement for a temporary guardian for your dog shouldn't be too difficult. It can be done informally, although not without forethought. A key concern is making your wishes known if you're unable to talk. If you don't want to use a formal service like PetLifeline, keep a typed-or at least legible-card in your wallet and car noting the existence of your dog and providing contact information for your designated emergency caretaker(s).

Of course, it's essential to find friends or relatives-plural, because you need a contingency caretaker in case the primary is unavailable-who like dogs in general and yours in particular. 116 116 Make sure the people you choose agree to take on the responsibility, and then give them keys to your house, instructions about the care and feeding of your dog, and contact information for your vet. Make sure the people you choose agree to take on the responsibility, and then give them keys to your house, instructions about the care and feeding of your dog, and contact information for your vet.

You can also specify a professional arrangement, such as having your dog brought over to the place where you board him when you go on vacation. Frankie's diabetes and his dislike of leaving his domain rule out a caretaker who doesn't know how to give injections-as well as a stay away from home. Therefore, along with my keys, I gave two trusted friends a list of the reliable, insulin-savvy dogsitters I've used in the past.

LONG-TERM OR PERMANENT.

Two rules to ensure that your dog will be cared for in case of your long-time distraction or demise: put it in writing and put your money where your mouth is. The best of intentions can't prevent informal arrangements, even those promising remuneration, from falling apart. In contrast, a will or trust that clarifies a caretaker's responsibilities and specifies compensation is harder to wiggle out of.

Of course, there are no guarantees of compliance if circ.u.mstances change, so keep in close touch with your designated guardian. My best friend, Clare, agreed long ago to take Frankie in if anything should happen to me, but after he was diagnosed with diabetes I asked her again. She a.s.sured me that nothing had changed, and I believe her. It doesn't hurt that Clare is the executor of my estate and therefore will be in charge of my money, and that, although she is the most lapsed Catholic I know, she's aware that she will go to h.e.l.l if Frankie should be made unhappy.117 97. HOW CAN I LEARN ABOUT OTHER LEGAL ISSUES SURROUNDING MY DOG?.

Ah, yes-your dog bites, or gets bitten; you want custody of your pup when you and your spouse split; or you think your neighbor should fix the hole on his side of the fence so your dog can't escape ... A good place to start learning about your rights-or lack thereof-is Every Dog's Legal Guide Every Dog's Legal Guide by Mary Randolph. After you get a general sense of what's covered by the legal system, and how, log on to by Mary Randolph. After you get a general sense of what's covered by the legal system, and how, log on to animallaw.com. There you can search your state's statutes-or lack thereof-on specific issues. Animallaw.com also offers useful links to other sites that focus on animal legalities. also offers useful links to other sites that focus on animal legalities.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't use an attorney if you want to go to court. In fact, if you live in California, I suggest you hire my friend Clare.118 98. HOW DO I KNOW WHEN "IT'S TIME"-AND WHAT DO I DO WHEN I'VE DECIDED?

It's ironic that we're often forced to make end-of-life decisions for dogs, who can't tell us what they want, but are prevented from carrying out the wishes of humans, who can. But if we're powerless to design the deaths we might desire for ourselves and for our human loved ones, we can provide them for our pups, shielding them from prolonged pain and suffering. Dogs in turn have the advantage of living in the present, so they don't antic.i.p.ate and fear the end in the same way we do (or at least they don't write turgid novels or make pretentious movies about it).

I only hope someone gives me the type of sendoff my friend Karyn's Greyhound, Painter, got. When he was 11 years old, Painter developed spinal deterioration to the point that he could barely walk. When he crouched to go to the bathroom, he had trouble lifting himself back up. Unable to carry around a 75-pound Greyhound and distraught to see him losing his dignity, Karyn finally called the vet to come over and give him an injection.

The day of the appointment, Karyn was too upset to think about preparing food, so I brought over a couple of burritos for us, a bacon cheeseburger for Painter. "He can't eat that," Karyn started to protest when she saw the burger, "He has pancreat.i.tis." Then she remembered. "Well," she amended, "he hasn't had much appet.i.te, but let's try it." Sure enough, Painter perked right up, scarfing the burger in three bites. Afterward, he farted contentedly in Karyn's arms until the vet arrived half an hour later.

Just as you're the only one who can decide when the balance has tipped from mild discomfort to suffering for your dog-and from manageable expense to deep debt for yourself119-the decision about where to say goodbye is extremely personal. For me, familiar surroundings-as opposed to a medical facility-seem the least stressful. If your vet won't make a final house call, you should be able to find one who will. Some will even accompany you to a beach, woods, or other place your dog loves. That said, many clinics have separate, hospicelike areas where euthanizations are done, so you won't have to sit sobbing in a room with a bunch of happy puppies waiting for vaccinations. And that way you won't a.s.sociate your home or a favorite spot with a sad memory.

As for the final arrangements, most vets will also take care of cremation or transfer to a pet cemetery. Or a human cemetery. A bill pa.s.sed in Florida, for example, permits pet ashes to be placed inside an owner's casket so long as they're in a separate urn. Some human cemeteries have separate pet areas-often a better bet than a dedicated pet cemetery, which is not always protected by law and can be turned into a strip mall if the owner sells the land. Check your local ordinances, including those on backyard burials; they're often prohibited, but the pet interment police rarely go out on patrol.

Painter, incidentally, rests in a lovely raku urn on Karyn's desk, where he helps inspire her continued and tireless efforts on behalf of Greyhound rescue.

99. WHAT IS THE RAINBOW BRIDGE-AND DO ALL DOGS GO THERE?

A catchall term for pet heaven, the multicolor span debuted in 1997 in Paul C. Dahm's "The Legend of the Rainbow Bridge." According to the story, every cherished pet that dies goes to live in a verdant meadow below the bridge, restored to youth and health, eating delicious food, and cavorting happily with other pets. The only thing missing from the picture is the beloved human companion: you. When you arrive, there is great celebration and then you cross over together to the other side.

I confess that I cry like a baby whenever I read this story. It's only after I blow my nose that I start nitpicking the details-as I do with all strict delineations of the hereafter.

Meadows are all well and good, I think, but shouldn't spilled garbage, a dog favorite through the ages, be involved, too? And pigs' ears? If so, would pet pigs get a separate area to wait for their ascent to hog heaven, one where dogs won't covet their hearing organs? And, as I mentioned in this book's introduction, my mother feared all creatures great and small. Did she shed her animal anxieties when she left her body-or will I be forced to choose between hanging out with her or Frankie? (Don't ask.) And what about dogs who don't have loving owners to help them cross over? They deserve happiness, too-even more so than those who had it on Earth. If I were designing an after-life, those pups would go to the other side as soon as the person who mistreated or abandoned them died. Said offender would be transformed into a slab of bacon and spend eternity being gnawed on by the dog(s) he or she wronged. (What can I say? I grew up with a vengeful deity-and with cravings for forbidden pork products.) 100. HOW SHOULD I RESPOND TO PEOPLE WHO TELL ME, "IT WAS ONLY A DOG" AND THAT I'M GRIEVING TOO LONG?

You shouldn't respond at all, at least not if you want these people in your life in some capacity.120 It will be extremely tempting to offer an equally insensitive rejoinder, and that can only lead to insult escalation. Just file the remark away with all the other hurtful comments you'll likely receive, and then haul it out to be mocked by members of your pet grief support group or informal network of dog lovers who understand what you're going through. The person on duty at the ASPCA's Pet Loss Hotline (1-877-474-3310) should be able to talk you down, too. It will be extremely tempting to offer an equally insensitive rejoinder, and that can only lead to insult escalation. Just file the remark away with all the other hurtful comments you'll likely receive, and then haul it out to be mocked by members of your pet grief support group or informal network of dog lovers who understand what you're going through. The person on duty at the ASPCA's Pet Loss Hotline (1-877-474-3310) should be able to talk you down, too.

If you're not a joiner or generally dislike sharing, consider a personalized dartboard, punching bag, or other inanimate target toward which you can channel your anger. Cheek turning apparently works for some people, too, although not for those with whom I tend to socialize.

Above all, don't take comments like these to heart. Grieve as long as you need to and when you're ready-but only then-get another dog. He'll never replace the one you've lost but will enrich your life in his own inimitable doggy fashion.

1.

With apologies-and thanks-to Michael Pollan (The Omnivore's Dilemma, In Defense of Food (The Omnivore's Dilemma, In Defense of Food), whose warnings against unhealthy, overly processed food apply even more to the dog food made from the human variety's dregs.

2.

With thanks-and no apologies-to corrupt politicians, who provide us with nearly as much entertainment as dogs do. Let this also serve as a caution to ignore the book's footnotes at your peril. They're often as informative as-and frequently funnier than-the main text.

3.

Rent-a-dog programs like FlexPetz have become so widespread that people concerned about animal welfare are working to get them banned. If you have trouble getting your head around the problem with renting a pet (even aside from the enforced puppy prost.i.tution issue), think how you would view its application to those too busy to raise a child full time.

4.

Strange-and unfair-but true: In the canid kingdom, size counts when it comes to maturity. The larger the dog, the longer the maturation period but, perversely, the shorter the lifespan.

5.

A notable exception to this rule is Carly, a 10-year-old I know who gave a PowerPoint presentation to her parents to prove to them that she was dog worthy. Now there's a kid who earned her warm puppy!