It was about ten when they arrived home. Adam made sure Kellen was in bed and then went to his own room. The bedside light was on and Elizabeth was propped up on pillows, her eyes closed. He began to undress and the sound of the closet door awakened her.

"Go back to sleep," he whispered.

"I was waiting for you," she said. "How did it go?"

Adam pulled off his tie with a wry smile. "I'm afraid I'm not very good with her, Elizabeth. You know, as bad as it was with Ian when he was young at least around him I didn't feel..."

"Uncomfortable?" Elizabeth smiled. "She's just a little girl, Adam. She won't bite you."

He slipped into bed, and Elizabeth fit herself into the crook of his shoulder. "I'm not so sure," he said. "She's got some strange ideas. She said she wants to be a boy."

"Yes, I know."

They lay quietly for a moment. "You can't imagine what this night meant to her, Adam," Elizabeth said. "She loves you so much."

Adam reached over and turned out the light.

"Adam, I'd like you to do something for me if you can," Elizabeth said.

"Anything."

"She looks up to you so. There are things you could teach her."

"What can I possibly do that you don't do already better, Elizabeth? You're teaching her how to be a lady. What's more important than that?" He paused. "You should have seen her tonight. The way she looked and handled herself around people. A real little lady. I didn't realize how grown up she is. Made me quite proud."

"But there are things that I can't give her that you can, Adam." She propped herself on one elbow to look at him. "Make her feel like she's important in your life. And that she's worthwhile. Daughters need that sort of thing from fathers."

He was not sure what she was asking of him. That he spend more time with Kellen probably and not make the same mistakes he had with Ian. He decided suddenly that next month the three of them would go down to the house in Carmel for a long weekend together.

"You're right, Elizabeth," he said. "I'll try to make more time."

He pulled her close and, feeling a stir of arousal, lightly cupped one of Elizabeth's b.r.e.a.s.t.s. Her body gave the slightest tensing motion, and Adam knew what it was. Whenever they began to make love lately, there was always that moment of dreaded antic.i.p.ation. As good as their lovemaking was, now it was always colored with the question of conception.

They made love slowly and silently. It was still exciting, but an energy was missing, just as it was from Elizabeth herself. When it was over, he sensed a need in her left unfulfilled. There would be no more babies, he knew. He had to help Elizabeth face that.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE.

In the summer of 1951, Adam closed the deal on the purchase of the Las Vegas Record. Now there were five newspapers in the Bryant chain, spread over three states. Across the country, it was becoming known that Adam was a force to be reckoned with. When William Randolph Hearst died and control of his empire was dispersed among his five sons, it was Adam Bryant who most said was heir apparent to the t.i.tle of single most powerful newspaper owner in the country.

At Thanksgiving, Adam sat at the dining room table in the house on Divisadero, his head bowed to lead grace. He recited the prayer of thanks, and when he looked up, he felt a surge of grat.i.tude. He was, indeed, a very lucky man.

On his left was his son, Ian, soon to be graduated from Princeton. On his right was his daughter, Kellen, already showing promise of becoming a beautiful young woman.

And at the other end of the table, his wife Elizabeth, ravishing in green velvet, wearing a necklace made from the three jewels he had given her on their fourth anniversary.

"Before we start, I have some news," Adam said. He smiled at Elizabeth. "President Truman has offered me an amba.s.sadorship to France."

There was stunned silence.

"Adam, that's..." Elizabeth's voice trailed off.

"Unbelievable?" Adam finished.

Ian was looking at him as if he were crazy.

"What's a ba.s.sership?" Kellen said.

"Amba.s.sadorship," Elizabeth corrected softly. "It's a job where a man represents his country in a foreign country." She glanced at Adam. "It's a very important job, an honor."

"Does this mean we have to move?" Kellen asked.

"No, Lil'bit, it doesn't." He looked back at Elizabeth. "I turned it down."

Elizabeth's face was blank, but then a small smile tipped her lips.

Ian let out a breath and picked up his wine. "Well, thank G.o.d for your good sense, Father," he said. "The idea of living with all those unwashed frogs."

"Ian, France is a wonderful country," Adam said. "You'd do well to visit there."

"Why?" Ian said. "As long as they keep sending over their wine, I see no reason to go there."

Adam let the remark pa.s.s. Ian, it was apparent, was becoming a sn.o.b. He further annoyed Adam by leaving early, saying he had a date. But the rest of the dinner continued without incident. Afterward, Adam and Elizabeth sat in the living room before the fire with their coffee.

"You're glad I turned it down, aren't you," Adam said.

"Yes."

"But why? I'd have thought you'd jump at the chance to live in Paris."

"You could never leave your newspapers, Adam. I could never allow you to." Elizabeth looked around the room. "Besides, this is my home. I could never leave it." She smiled, her eyes lit by the fire. "I'm so proud of you, Adam. You've done all you set out to do."

"You made it possible."

"Money is just money, Adam. It takes more than that to make dreams real."

"I don't mean the money," he said. "I mean by your belief in me. I'd be nowhere without that."

Elizabeth embraced him then pulled away. "I've got to go say good night to Kellen. I'll be down in a few minutes."

Kellen was sitting up in bed, waiting when Elizabeth came in. "Why didn't Daddy take that new job?" she asked.

Elizabeth began to tuck her in. "Because he likes his own job more. Running newspapers is just as important as being an amba.s.sador."

"Maybe I'll be an amba.s.sador when I grow up."

"I thought you wanted to be a veterinarian."

Kellen looked at Elizabeth hopefully. "I could do both."

Elizabeth sat on the edge of the bed. "That would be rather hard. It might be better if you chose one."

"You're right." Kellen nodded solemnly. "Maybe I should just be a newspaper magnet."

Elizabeth laughed. "Where did you hear that word?"

"I heard someone call Daddy that once. What does Daddy do, exactly?"

"Well, he watches over all his newspapers in the chain."

Kellen smiled broadly. "That's what I thought! A magnet that holds the chain together!"

"It's magnate, by the way. But you've got the idea."

Kellen slid down in the bed. "Mommy, can a girl be a magnate...or just boys?"

"Well, I've never heard of a girl doing it, but that's no reason why you couldn't. Girls can work just like boys."

"How come you don't?"

Elizabeth brushed the hair back from Kellen's forehead. "I stay here with you. I like that better." She paused. "But when I was your age, I dreamed about doing things, too. I wanted to go to Paris and be a dress designer."

"Like how you draw clothes for my paper dolls?"

"Something like that."

"Why didn't you?"

"When I was your age, girls didn't do things like that." She rose, switching off the lamp. "Come on, it's past your bedtime."

"Mommy?"

Elizabeth paused just inside the door. "Yes?"

"Do you think I could really be a magnate?"

"I don't think there's anything you couldn't be, sweetheart," she said softly. "Sleep tight..."

"Don't let the bedbugs bite," Kellen said.

Adam decided he wanted to throw a New Year's Eve party. It was a payback, he told Elizabeth, to all his political and club cronies and important advertisers, and a chance to return social obligations he had been too busy for in the past year.

"It's been a h.e.l.l of a good year for us, Elizabeth," he said. "Let's really celebrate with a bash."

He didn't tell her he also hoped planning a party would buoy up her spirits, as it always had in the past.

As usual, Elizabeth did a stunning job. The house was ablaze with holiday decorations, the dining room given over to a giant buffet. The beautiful old Kashan rug in the foyer was rolled up and everyone danced under the chandelier to tunes played by a small jazz quartet. Everyone important in town came, and a few famous faces dotted the crowd. Adam was so festive that many of his friends commented on it. But none so succinctly as Josh.

"I've known you for almost fifteen years," Josh said. "And I never thought I'd be able to say this. You've changed, Adam. You're a different man."

"I'm a happy man, Josh," Adam said.

Hours later, after the last guests had gone, Adam lay on the bed, watching Elizabeth as she combed out her hair. He was heady with champagne and the success of the evening. He went to Elizabeth, filling his hands with her heavy soft hair, arching her neck back so he could kiss her.

"I love you so much," he whispered.

When he pulled away to look at her face, he paused. Her just-cleaned face had a waxy pallor, and there were deep circles under her eyes. She had disguised it earlier with makeup.

Adam stepped back to look at her better. "Elizabeth, are you all right?" he asked.

"I'm just tired, Adam," she said. "So very tired."

The party had taken too much out of her, he thought, berating himself for putting her through it. "Let's go to bed," he said.

She allowed him to tuck her in like a child, and by the time he slipped in beside her she was asleep. He turned out the light and lay there in the dark. It was quiet except for an occasional car horn or the laugh of a late reveler in the street. When the gray light began to creep around the edges of the drapes, he was still awake, listening to her breathing and feeling a small pit of fear growing in his stomach.

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX.

After the New Year's party, Adam began to pay closer attention to Elizabeth's behavior. For a week, she stayed in bed, too tired to get up. The doctor said Elizabeth had a virus and prescribed antibiotics and ma.s.sive doses of vitamins. But after a month, Elizabeth was no better. When the doctor suggested Elizabeth go to the hospital for tests, Adam agreed with great reluctance. After what she had gone through with the miscarriage and Kellen's difficult birth, the mere idea of putting Elizabeth in a hospital made his blood run cold.

The tests revealed nothing other than the previously diagnosed anemia. Elizabeth was sent home with antidepressants and a strict diet.

The drugs seemed to help Elizabeth's mood somewhat, but by spring, Adam noticed an alarming change in her behavior. She seemed at times disoriented and she was beginning to forget things easily -- where she had left her keys, that someone was coming to dinner, where Kellen had gone for the day. The doctor prescribed a stronger antidepressant. When she showed no improvement, Adam angrily dismissed the doctor and found another.

The new doctor said her depression was a reaction to an old undiagnosed bout with hepat.i.tis, and he gave her new medications. Elizabeth did not respond and, in fact, grew worse. Her appet.i.te waned; she developed insomnia and began to have crying spells. And still she talked, almost obsessively now, about not being able to have children.

In fearful frustration, Adam finally sought the help of a psychiatrist. He told Adam Elizabeth's obsession with pregnancy was the cause of all her ills, and prescribed yet more antidepressants and a new antianxiety drug. Elizabeth improved slightly, and Adam grew hopeful. She allowed a few close friends to visit and one night even went to the opera with Adam, though they had to leave at intermission. She even felt well enough occasionally to come down to dinner.

One night, Elizabeth was sitting at the table in a blue silk dressing gown, her hair pinned up. Kellen, delighted her mother was there, chatted away to keep spirits high. She began to talk about weddings, and Elizabeth sat quietly, half listening.

"Mommy, what was your wedding to Daddy like?" Kellen asked.

Elizabeth's pale face was a blank, and Adam held his breath, curbing his urge to prompt her memory. Then, she smiled slightly.

"Oh, it was beautiful," she said softly. She glanced down the table at Adam then back at Kellen. "We got married in this little church not too far from here. Just a small sanctuary, with beams across the ceiling and wooden pews. The pastor was an old man, with a funny little beard."

She looked at Adam and her eyes came to life. "Do you remember him, Adam?"