I was beginning to have diarrhea, along with a cold, so I danced very little at the December b.a.l.l.s, which are just beginning. I went to the ball but did not dance, which I'm sure my very dear Mother will be glad to hear.

With horror, I reread what I have written to the Empress. I am ashamed. Never before have I allowed such a tone of impertinence and irony in my letters to her, no matter how I chafed under her criticism or control. I do not give this nasty little note to the courier.

THE GeNeRALE IS TARDY! APRIL 1778.

Who can I tell?

The Princesse de Lamballe would keep my secret; the Comtesse de Polignac would not. And somehow those two facts make it impossible to confide in either.

In the old days, I would have run to the chambers of my aunts; I would have sat among the three of them while they petted and flattered me as though I were their prettiest lapdog; I would have sipped a cup of hot chocolate, and over its gilded rim, my lips would have formed the words, with no fanfare: "I believe I may be pregnant." Then their happy trio of exclamations! Their discreet questions bursting at the seams with eager excitement to know all there was to be known. But I am no longer their pet. When I am not with them, I never think of them.

This morning Rose Bertin, down on her knees, was measuring me around my hips. Suddenly she stopped, leaned closer to examine just which line marked the end of her measure. Then, with her thumb, she ran around the inside of the measuring tape to be sure it had not folded over or deviated in its path as it encircled my form. No, the tape made its usual smooth circuit. Just once she glanced up into my eyes. Was that a sad question I saw in her gaze? I said nothing.

"Perhaps the mere breadth of a line bigger this week," Rose said quietly.

I said nothing, but I felt my posture grow more erect, and I lifted my chin. No doubt I looked a haughty queen-as those who do not know me have accused me of appearing to be-but I knew I lifted my head and stretched tall my body to better fit into my destiny. I am a Hapsburg fulfilling the role prepared for me as the mother of the Children of France. Perhaps.

I must not tell my own mother till I am sure. Have you seen the Generale Krottendorf? I might ask her, whimsically. She has not made her usual visit to Versailles this month. How the heart of the Empress would gallop at that question! But I will not cause her pulse to race for nothing. Too many times, I have expressed hope and had it come to naught.

No more riding, she would say to me now. No, indeed, I would reply.

But I have the urge to walk the grounds, to parade myself past the long line of statues and to encircle the fountains. I will take Elisabeth with me, my little sister whose devoted sweetness is as great as that of the Princesse de Lamballe, but who has much more sense, despite her youth. The formal paths of Le Notre's old gardens are magnificent at least for their vast size, for what they lack in intimacy and unbounded joy. With Elisabeth, I am with family. Who better, at this moment, to walk beside me? Perhaps I carry the beginnings of a child within me who will someday behold these same rows of severely pruned trees and the careful edges that form the parterres which are as well-defined as scroll-figured carpets.

Elisabeth knows her role in this world the way a foot knows a well-constructed shoe. The steps of her quadrille are always the proper ones to fulfill the duties of her royal birth. She has found the trick of filling her shoes with her own true self, and she is content to do so. Now she is quiet because she knows that my thoughts are busy. She does not chatter but waits for when it is my pleasure to engage her in conversation. Glancing about, she gladly entertains herself with the distant view or with a nearby flower.

Like my little sister Elisabeth, the Comtesse de Polignac also embodies her own natural self, but she is direct-una.s.suming?-rather than sweet. Blessed with good nature, my friend has almost black hair, and when she is close, I am always aware of the darkness of her hair, and how the light touches it so that sometimes it gleams purple as aubergine or iridescent like a raven's wing.

Like that bird, my Yolande has an attraction to shiny objects-and to her own advantage, yet she is so casual about it all-the incomes, the positions for her family-that I never think of her as in any way domineering. Unlike my mother, she never gives me a moment's stress when she makes it known that this or that appointment would please her. Still there is much transfer from my purse to that of the family de Polignac. But Yolande accepts my faults, and that is what puts me so much at ease with her, along with her warmth, and so it is only right that I accept her also as she is, and her needs. Proudly, I do lift my head-that I am Queen, and my greatest pleasure is to serve my friends.

I smile at Elisabeth and give her the pleasure of choosing the direction for our stroll. I step carefully on the little pea gravel underfoot, lest my foot should slide and I should fall. Protectively, I find that I have placed a fond hand on my belly just below my waist. Yes, I will shelter the little being who lives there, the fruit of my womb, the King's first child, for whose sake my body has become a house.

Elisabeth has seen my gesture, perhaps. In any case, she slips her slender arm around my waist and draws me close. She is still immature, and I can feel the difference in our bodies, how mine is softer and more womanly, as is Yolande's, who has already become a mother. I wish my mother could see me in my maturity. Yes, there will be a new portrait. The Empress so far away, in another country whose particulars of gardens and statues are now rather dim in memory compared with these marble figures on their pedestals-we pa.s.s the flute player, my favorite, with his furry loins and stony curls. In Vienna, probably at the labyrinthine Hofburg (for the weather is not yet warm enough to move out to fair Schonbrunn), the Empress sits in her widow's weeds. Dressed all in black, quite stout now, she works at her desk, quickly reading with her beady eyes the papers of the state. Absorbed in business, she does not think of me. It is she instead of Yolande who resembles a large black bird, clasping a wintry twig with yellow feet.

Here it is spring, and I have a bud within me. I am sure of it.

ELISABETH IS OFTEN my walking companion now, for mild exercise is good for her in her youth as for me with my expectations. As we stroll, I ask her if she noted when the dancing stopped at my bal a la Reine, how the elegant men raised their fists in the air and shouted with joy, just as though an announcement of war did not mean mud and hardship, sweat, terrible fatigue, danger, blood, and suffering. "And how the ladies fluttered their fans in approving excitement?" I add.

"I shuddered," the gentle soul replies, "when I heard of alliance with the Americans."

"When the Comte de Provence made the announcement, straight from the King's Council, did you notice how his square face was filled to its corners with smug satisfaction?"

(While I was gently dancing, swaying my secret within the cradle of my body, in another room, my husband had been choosing death and war.) "The King explained to me long ago that the weakening of the English is the object in allying ourselves with their colonies." (Perhaps it is because I may carry the future within me that I wish for an earth safe for all who dwell thereon.) "I have never found glory in humiliating others-English or not," I mention to the princess.

She does not reply but points to a flock of song sparrows rising in a single dusty cloud from the pea gravel.

"Perhaps with the exception of the du Barry," I amend, honestly.

In a comforting squeeze, Princesse Elisabeth tightens her arm around my waist. "Do you recall," she chirps in her sweet voice, "when you told the offending chevalier, 'The Queen does not remember the quarrels of the Dauphine?' It was then that I knew you would make the best of queens."

"I promised myself to rise above my revengeful impulses."

Our legs move in tandem as we walk, the princess and I, over the expansive grounds of Versailles. Our skirts bob forward at the same moment, orbs of pale blue and pale green, for within the silk our legs stretch forward at the same moment. Now I really do triumph over the du Barry. If I am pregnant, my power over King and kingdom increases.

Days pa.s.s. Slowly, one by one. The Generale has lost her way. Yes, I know my brother Joseph has invaded Bavaria without even consulting my mother. Yes, I know that she begs me to intervene in matters of state, to entreat my husband to support the Austrian aggression. But Louis XVI is not one to be persuaded by his wife; nor can the mother of a future king of France advocate any step that might endanger our kingdom years from now.

ELISABETH VIGeE-LEBRUN.

In my bath, glancing down, I move the wet muslin aside to see if my nipples are more pink. I smile. Yes, they are more pink, for I have an eye that can remember an exact shade of any color. After asking for a gla.s.s, I consider my reflected face: my cheeks have taken on, quite naturally, something of the same pink as my nipples. The frame of the looking gla.s.s inscribes my countenance with a well-wrought wreath of silver flowers, repousse. How well art improves nature! The oval embrace of a frame focuses my eye, the eye of any viewer, to look for other ovals-the rounding of the chin, the curve of the cheek-and brings all into harmony. Perhaps it is time to have my portrait painted, time to meet the young woman artist who is just my age, recommended so often to me by the Comte de Vaudreuil, the special friend of my Yolande.

Perhaps in years to come, I will look at this new portrait and think: At that time you yet contained your secret. But see the hope in your eye, the color in your cheek? Then your body knew, though your mind did not, that you carried a new life within, a precious secret.

WHEN I SEE MADAME LEBRUN, I see a sprite with dark hair, loose curls about her shoulders, much like those of Yolande. This girl does not enter my apartment with the easy confidence of Yolande. This is a person who makes her way not by her birth but by her talent. She is unsure of her welcome. Seeing that she holds her curtsy, waiting for a word, I speak quickly, with much lightness.

"I feel we are friends already, Madame Lebrun, for I see we both love nature. We are of an age, and you are the friend of very dear friends, who speak both fondly and admiringly of you and of your gift for painting."

She rises gracefully, blushes, gives a quick downward glance, then raises her eyes again, this time with a gaze that is inquiring, one that looks through the appraising lenses of an artist.

"How do I look?" I ask her gaily.

"As any queen would die to look." Her voice has more confidence in it than I would expect. "As any woman would hope to appear-full of life and goodness."

"I think you cannot paint such abstract qualities." I smile at her.

"Indeed, if you will forgive my saying so, I believe I can." When she smiles back at me, I see small dints of dimples at the corners of her very pretty mouth. Her eyes rove my face and body in such a way that it is a pleasure to be so regarded, for she takes pleasure in seeing me. She is not afraid; only a little nervous.

"Can you guess my favorite colors?" I ask, seating myself. Now I look up at her, as she yet stands, and each of us has a different angle from which to regard the other. Because I am sitting now, a warm light floods my countenance, a reflection from the rosy silk that covers my lap.

"I believe that Your Majesty might have some inclination herself for brush and canvas?"

"All of my sisters, and I, were given lessons in all the arts. I do enjoy drawing and painting, but my best grace lies not in my hand but in my feet."

"The grace of Your Majesty's carriage as well as the beauty of your dancing is known throughout France."

I stand again, gesture, and turn my head, as though I were addressing an unseen audience. "I have two ways of walking," I explain. "One is to express my happiness when I am within the circle of my friends and family; the other is used to express dignity, among the courtiers or foreign visitors, but it is devoid of haughtiness. At least I intend it to have nothing of stiffness about it. Shall I show you?"

"I should not aspire to witness such a demonstration."

Quite modestly, she lowers her eyes, and when she does, I feel deprived. I would much prefer to regard their warm, clear depth.

"I think we are opposites," I say cheerfully. "My hair is fair, my eyes a grayish blue. Your lovely hair is chestnut, your eyes a deeper brown." She raises her eyes to me again. "You make your way by your talent alone, while I was born to a life at court. I think us equally fortunate."

"Your Majesty makes too much of me."

With that phrase, I suddenly recall my last moments on Austrian soil, the last moments with my ladies, colorful as b.u.t.terflies, while we stood on an island in the midst of the Rhine, the sound of its powerful waters rushing around the walls. As they fluttered around me in a whirl of love, I modestly said to them You make too much of me. I recall the tapestries on the walls there, depictions of feasts and celebrations, woven red apples cradled in a blue bowl. Later someone told me the tapestries were the pride of Strasbourg, lent just to honor me, and that they depicted the marriage of Medea, from ancient Grecian times.

"Do you know the story of Medea?" I suddenly ask the painter.

"I do, for someday I aspire to paint the subjects of mythology, or those of history."

"I was just recalling something of my own history. Your phrase 'you make too much of me' is striking in its grace. And it is one I once used, when I was little more than a child whose greatest desire was to please, to be loved. I was leaving Austria to come to Versailles, to be married."

I am struck by my frankness in naming Austria to this child. Not a child, but a young woman my own age, but because she is more slender, less made up with rouge and powdered hair, she seems younger than I.

"Usually," I confide in her, "I do not mention my native country by name. The French do not like to recall my origins."

"Your Majesty must say what she pleases to me." She speaks with charming seriousness. "As an artist, I hope that I may rise above the common prejudices, that I see with my own eyes and hear with my own ears, tuned just so, to suit myself." She pauses, meets my gaze in the most warm and confiding way. "And in saying that, I too am being more frank than I would usually dare to be. But I believe an artist had best be international in tastes. Otherwise, she misses too much that may nourish her spirit."

I hold out my hand to her. "Then we are comrades," I say. "And you must walk beside me as I demonstrate locomotion a la Reine."

Together we promenade about the room, and I point out the portraits of my mother to her and of my brother Joseph II. When she asks if she might view the full-length portrait of Louis XIV, I escort her through the grand rooms till we reach its position in the Apollo drawing room.

I remember how it was when Papa-Roi escorted me through these chambers and pointed out the mythological paintings of Mars, Diana, and Venus on the ceilings, but now I am in charge. I recall how dominated even Louis XV felt, nearly a decade past, by the representations of Louis XIV. I mention to her that I have always much admired the Bernini marble bust of Louis XIV as a young man, but she is more interested in the full-length painting of him, displaying his elegant leg, a preference quite understandable, since she herself works in oils.

In a whisper, I comment that Louis XIV's face now looks to me-he was over sixty-rather hard and cruel. I feel almost as though my sister Charlotte were with me-so free, indeed so unguarded, is our exchange of ideas and tastes. Charlotte, being three years older than I, always took me by the hand and led me hither and yon, but now I am the superior one, and perhaps I am pregnant. I giggle at my thoughts of dominance and bliss.

She glances at me first with a question in her brown eyes-she had not antic.i.p.ated such a frivolous att.i.tude-then with relish. Suddenly I flush, embarra.s.sed, for the hand I hold is not that of a child, but one of an accomplished artist, for all her youth and beauty. Everyone says so, and the courtiers even attend her parties, held in cramped, bourgeois quarters. She displays no signs of pride; and why should she? Her gifts, like mine, came with her at her birth. Still, she has worked hard cultivating her talent and her graces. Truly, she has earned the admiration of all who know her. Yes, Elisabeth Vigee-Lebrun shall paint my portrait.

THE BAVARIAN QUESTION.

It does seem to me that Bavaria, left with no heir, due to the untimely death of the elector of Bavaria, should more naturally become part of Austria than an appendage of Prussia and Frederick II. If only my husband shared my brother's suspicion of the bellicose King of Prussia, but Louis and Joseph are truly at odds on this matter. I could both please and impress the Empress if I could persuade my husband to consider as an aspect of the Bavarian question the importance of the Alliance between Austria and France, of which our marriage is the sacred seal. In the past my heart has always been in Austria, but perhaps the interests of France are growing now within my body.

As often happens in moments of confusion, Count Mercy appears and is admitted at the door of my apartment just as I am about to open a letter from my mother. His attendants must have seen her courier descending the stairs.

He bows to me, and again I admire his bearing, as I always do. Though I practice the feminine version of the bow, it is from him and not my dancing master that I have learned to convey so much in a gesture. His bow tells me that he is my friend, that he is wise, and that he will help me to understand the tangled skeins of loyalties.

"The Queen's brow is clouded," he remarks, with kindness in every syllable.

"I have a letter from Vienna-"

"I saw the courier in the courtyard."

"Will you read it to me?"

I hand the letter to my trusted friend to interpret for me.

He reads, "'Mercy's illness comes at a very bad time when I need him to be active'" (he does not glance up but keeps his eyes steadfastly on my mother's handwriting), "'just as I need your own feelings of loyalty to me, to the House of Hapsburg, and to your native country of Austria. You must take to heart and you must tell the King that the King of Prussia is unscrupulous, and if an alliance with France should be formed with Prussia, we will be in great danger. Prussia fears only you-'"

"Let me read for myself," I interject. My heart swells with pride that my mother acknowledges our importance. I read on to myself, silently: The alliance between France and Austria is the only natural one, and though I cannot here go into all the details, you must turn to Count Mercy as soon as he is able to see you. He will make clear to you not only the usefulness of the alliance to both our countries but also its goodness. I oppose any change in our Alliance, which would kill me- On apprehending those words, I exclaim aloud, and I can feel all the blood draining from my face.

"The Queen has turned very pale," Mercy says.

"Read what she has written." I give the page to my counselor.

"...'Any change in our Alliance, which would kill me.'" His elegant fingers tremble as he holds the page. The Count hesitates and looks directly at me, his face full of concern. Thoughtfully, he says, "The Empress has underlined those last words."

Because I feel dizzy, as though I might slide off my chair, I grasp the edge of the little table in front of me. Though my vision seems to spin the elegant chairs around the walls of the room, I see my choice. Very deliberately I address the count. "At your approach, I antic.i.p.ated consultation with you to aid me in my confusion. After this moment, I myself know what path to pursue with the King. From you, I will need only the particulars for a reasoned argument. The spirit and direction that my remarks must take is abundantly clear to me. I will use all my power and influence with the King to a.s.sure the Alliance with Austria."

"Even in her obvious distress, no one speaks more clearly from the heart than does my Queen," the count replies. His own clear eyes flash their approval of my words. He looks down at my mother's page again and summarizes her words in a quiet tone. His hand and voice are steady. "She says that many of her people are sick and that she kisses 'my dear daughter.' She says that soon she hopes she will be able to add the phrase 'my dear little mama' to the phrase when she sends her love to you, her most dear daughter. In closing, she says that everyone she knows is praying for you and that you may be pregnant. 'I am always all yours.'"

My heart brims with love of my mother, and with guilt that I have not yet told her of my hopes. Even while she worries about the politics of Europe, nothing causes her to forget my situation. She says nothing of my sisters and brothers: I am always all yours. Those are her final words.

Now I will focus all my attention on Count Mercy as he explains to me what will be the best arguments to protect the King from the seductions of Prussia. I invite my friend to sit down. With a simple gesture, he parts the skirts of his coat, seats himself, rests his tapered hands on his thighs, and begins my instruction.

"My Queen's eyes are beautiful, even when they are clouded," he says gallantly. "Soon the skies of Her Majesty's eyes will be their usual clear and charming blue again."

Never have I listened so carefully. Not only...but also, he explains, and moreover and however. Perfidy, insinuation, calamity.

MADAME, MY VERY DEAR MOTHER.

Count Mercy can tell you that I grew pale at your words and that I am resolved that no concern in areas where I myself have influence will in any way weaken the health and heart of my beloved mother. It is painful to recall your suffering over the part.i.tion of Poland, and now this Bavarian business! I am well aware in this delicate situation that your worst nightmare is that the kingdoms of your children should war with one another, and I will use my own preeminence to a.s.sure that none of our countries become combatants.

Frederick II has created clouds of confusion for the King, but I have spoken with Mercy so that I can learn enough to dispel any such obscuring clouds created for the King. The King of Prussia is full of perfidious and persistent insinuations; he has already sent five couriers to our court in less than half a month. Count Mercy has explained the politics so well that I can see for myself what has confused the King, and those little clouds that others have created will soon vanish so that no change is made in our Alliance, which is based not only on the closeness of our affection but also on its usefulness to the general good of Europe. Moreover, I believe that no one can be more dedicated to our purpose than I am.

Talk has begun here that when the current Grand Almoner dies the young Cardinal de Rohan will inherit his position. Nothing could be more abhorrent to me, but he has powerful relatives among both the Noailles and Guemene families. I am urging the King to resist their pressures. That brother Ferdinand's health is improving is news of great importance to my own happiness.