'Using me as a front?'

'Laura thought that as you were in love with her - '

'I wasn't!'

'She could make a sort of joke of it and then no one would notice her thing with me.'

'And did she make a sort of joke of it?'

'Well, yes - '

'So I suppose everyone imagines I'm leaving the office because of Laura!'

'I say, I'm terribly hungry, aren't you?'

'Yes. I wonder what if anything was for dinner there?'

We went into a pub and got ourselves sausages and mashed and beer. We sat down. Throughout all these absurdities in the Impiatt drawing-room I had not for a second stopped thinking about Kitty. The thought of her now filled out about me like a great vibrating sphere.

'What I can't understand,' I said, 'was why Laura had to tell Freddie about you at all. Why make such a thing of it? Freddie obviously had some crazy idea about me which had to be dealt with. But why drag you in, why couldn't she just have kept quiet?'

'She wanted a drama, a smash-up. She wanted it to end with a bang, to sort of sacrifice herself. As she said, she wanted to destroy it by talking about it.'

'But if there wasn't anything to it except some dotty idea in her head - '

'Oh but there was,' said Christopher.

'You mean?'

'I've been Laura's lover for nearly a year.'

'Oh - God - '

'We met when she was starting to write about the drug scene. Then my lodging with you was jolly convenient, because your habits were so regular - '

'Christ. But why on earth - I can see why Laura might fall for you, but how on earth could you want her - or were you just being kind or - ?'

'Well, you're in love with her, you ought to know.'

'Let's start skipping this bit.'

'I did love her,' said Christopher, 'I just did. I couldn't help it, she was so sweet to me. I met her just after my bust-up with Clifford.'

'With - Clifford - '

'Well you knew about my bust-up with Clifford.'

'Oh, of course.'

'She picked up the pieces. I was grateful. Next thing we were in bed. These middle-aged women can be absolute sex-maniacs. Not that I'm complaining, it was good. But, you know - another man's wife - we both felt guilty. I suppose it ran its course - we kept saying it had got to stop. And she'd been having this joke about you all the time - and then when yesterday Freddie started thinking you and he were having an affair - '

'She ended it all with a bang, as you said.'

'Yes. I suppose she felt she had to get you out of it. And she finished me off at the same time.'

'Aren't you relieved?'

'Yes. Very. In a way. But I shall miss her like hell. Not sex, just seeing her, talking to her - ' Tears suddenly welled up into Christopher's pale blue eyes. He sat staring at his beer mug and weeping silently. He suddenly looked about fourteen.

'What a horrid mess,' I said. I got up. 'Well I must be off. Christopher, one thing - I'd be awfully glad if you'd find somewhere else to live.'

'Oh Hilary - you're angry with me - don't be - I'm terribly sorry - it wasn't my idea.'

'I'm not angry,' I said. 'We'll stay friends. But you know - I'd just rather you lived somewhere else from now on.'

'I'm sorry,' said Christopher. 'Of course I do understand. Feeling as you do about Laura - '

I left him. The night was cold, still thickly dark but snow-less. The thought of Kitty brought no relief now, no joy. I had had my glimpse of heaven, but there would be no more. Powers which I had offended were gathering to destroy me.

FRIDAY.

IT WAS Friday evening and it was once more nearly six o'clock and I was once more approaching the door of the house at Cheyne Walk. I had received a note from Gunnar soon after I arrived at the office. It said, Let us try again. Could you come to Chelsea at six this evening? If I hear nothing I will expect you. G.J.

It was windless, freezing, one could feel the frost descending, gently fingering the twigs and the leaves in the gardens, outlining them. My breath steamed about me. I rang the bell.

Gunnar opened the door. I came in and took off my coat and followed him upstairs past the numerous pictures through the now familiar smell into the now familiar room. I was sick with the proximity of Kitty, glad she had promised not to listen. I felt desperately anxious not to fail now, for her sake, for Gunnar's sake, for the sake of some last lifeline of sanity which seemed to be left to me.

I walked on towards the fireplace and turned. Gunnar carefully closed the door. He said, 'Hilary - '

Everything vanished, even Kitty vanished. There was nothing but his utterance of my name. It was like a voice calling the damned, recognized as coming from elsewhere, from a place which they thought they had lost forever.

'Oh my God - ' I said.

'Thank you for coming.'

'Gunnar - Look, do you think we could have a drink?'

'Yes. I want one too. You know I saw Crystal.'

'Yes. I'm so glad.'

'She's an angel.'

'Yes. Thanks.'

'She says she told you about that night.'

'Yes.'

'Can you forgive me?'

'Me - forgive you - ?'

'It was an awful crazy thing - I won't try to explain it. It was one of those extraordinary moments when human conduct sort of shoots off at a tangent.'

'I know, I know. Crystal loved you.'

'Yes. She touched me so much, you know, in those old days.'

'You pitied her. You were so kind to her. Hardly anybody ever has been. Hardly anybody has ever properly noticed her.'

'It wasn't just pity. She was such a funny brave little thing. And - oh - an angel - '

'Gunnar, I am so terribly terribly sorry about what happened - it was so awful - I did so much damage - if it's any consolation to you I wrecked my own life - I've never really even tried to salvage anything - '

'It's no consolation now,' he said.

We looked at each other.

It was hot in the room. Gunnar seemed to be sweating. His jacket hung open, and he had pulled his tie down and partly unbuttoned his shirt. I could feel my face damp and burning from the sudden transition from cold to warm.

'This is better than last time,' I said.

'Why did you let last time happen?' said Gunnar.

'Why did you force it on me? I felt I had to do what you wanted. But let me say again now - God, it sounds so frail after such a thing - what can words do - '

'It's strange, I never thought I'd care a hang. I have hated you so much, perhaps you can hardly imagine such hatred and how it can eat a man up - '

'But you don't now - ?'

'No, I don't think so. Can it have gone? Maybe Crystal made it go. It was just - amazing - that time with Crystal on Wednesday. Did she tell you about it?'

'Scarcely. She said she gave you fish fingers. She said you'd never had them before.'

'Fish fingers, yes! And I cried.'

'She didn't tell me that.'

'I haven't for years. It was extraordinary. And Crystal quoted the Bible.'

'What did she quote?'

' "Whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just" - '

'"Think on these things". She's full of Biblical lore. It's all she knows.'

'Last time you behaved as if you hated me.'

'I was angry. I felt you despised me, I felt I was just being used. And I suppose I was disappointed.'

'Disappointed?'

'Yes. You know - when I heard you were coming - I had a sort of wild hope that after all it would somehow be made all right. That sounds mad, as if one could change the past, but - And then - '

'Anne is so awfully far away now,' said Gunnar.

'You said your hatred of me had made her into a ghost.'

'Yes. It wasn't really her at all. And I've felt - just in these last days - as if the ghost was crumbling - and there she was, the real Anne, very very far away - and somehow safe, out of it - '

'I loved her so much, I loved her dreadfully, otherwise I wouldn't - '

'Yes, yes. You have loved since?'

The image of Kitty burnt me, as if a red-hot burnished plate had been put in front of my face. 'Like that, no.'

'I didn't mean to pry, I just wondered if you had somebody - '

'No. I'm alone.'

'Why don't you get back into the academic world, get back into teaching?'

'How kind you are,' I said, 'how remarkable it is to talk to you, how it changes the world - I thought you'd want to kill me - '

'Yes, I know. There can be too much hate, there can be too much guilt. One must try to drop these burdens at last. Do you mind if I go on talking about Anne?'

'No, no.'

'You didn't do it on purpose?'

'You mean - crash the car?'

'Yes. I didn't ask you in the hospital, I couldn't. But I've thought about it so often - '

'No. Not on purpose. I didn't crash on purpose, but I drove dangerously on purpose.' I had never before put it to myself so clearly.

'And why did you drive dangerously?'

We were looking straight at each other now.