_Puff_. No, egad; both maladies and miseries were my own.

_Sneer_. Hey! what the plague!

_Dang_. 'Tis true, i'faith.

_Puff_. Hark'ee!--By advertis.e.m.e.nts--. Oh, I understand you.

_Puff_. And, in truth, I deserved what I got! for, I suppose never man went through such a series of calamities in the same s.p.a.ce of time. Sir, I was five times made a bankrupt, and reduced from a state of affluence, by a train of unavoidable misfortunes: then, sir, though a very industrious tradesman, I was twice burned out, and lost my little all both times: I lived upon those fires a month. I soon after was confined by a most excruciating disorder, and lost the use of my limbs: that told very well; for I had the case strongly attested, and went about to collect the subscriptions myself.

_Dang_. Egad, I believe that was when you first called on me.

_Puff_. In November last?--O no; I was at that time a close prisoner in the Marshalsea, for a debt benevolently contracted to serve a friend. I was afterwards twice tapped for a dropsy, which declined into a very profitable consumption. I was then reduced to--O no--then, I became a widow with six helpless children, after having had eleven husbands pressed, and being left every time eight months gone with child, and without money to get me into an hospital!

_Sneer_. And you bore all with patience, I make no doubt?

_Puff_. Why yes; though I made some occasional attempts at _felo de se_, but as I did not find those rash actions answer, I left off killing myself very soon. Well, sir, at last, what with bankruptcies, fires, gout, dropsies, imprisonments, and other valuable calamities, having got together a pretty handsome sum, I determined to quit a business which had always gone rather against my conscience, and in a more liberal way still to indulge my talents for fiction and embellishment, through my favourite channels of diurnal communication--and so, sir, you have my history.

_Sneer_. Most obligingly communicative indeed! and your confession, if published, might certainly serve the cause of true charity, by rescuing the most useful channels of appeal to benevolence from the cant of imposition. But, surely, Mr. Puff, there is no great mystery in your present profession?

_Puff_. Mystery, sir! I will take upon me to say the matter was never scientifically treated nor reduced to rule before.

_Sneer_. Reduced to rule!

_Puff_. O Lud, sir, you are very ignorant, I am afraid!--Yes, sir,. puffing is of various sorts; the princ.i.p.al are, the puff direct, the puff preliminary, the puff collateral, the puff collusive, and the puff oblique, or puff by implication. These all a.s.sume, as circ.u.mstances require, the various forms of Letter to the Editor, Occasional Anecdote, Impartial Critique, Observation from Correspondent, or Advertis.e.m.e.nt from the Party.

_Sneer_. The puff direct, I can conceive-- _Puff_. O yes, that's simple enough! For instance,--a new comedy or farce is to be produced at one of the theatres (though by-the-by they don't bring out half what they ought to do)--the author, suppose Mr. Smatter, or Mr. Dapper, or any particular friend of mine--very, well; the day before it is to be performed, I write an account of the manner in which it was received; I have the plot from the author, and only add--"characters strongly drawn--highly coloured--hand of a master--fund of genuine humour--mine of invention--neat dialogue--Attic salt." Then for the performance--"Mr. Dodd was astonishingly great in the character of Sir Harry. That universal and judicious actor, Mr. Palmer, perhaps never appeared to more advantage than in the colonel;--but it is not in the power of language to do justice to Mr. King: indeed he more than merited those repeated bursts of applause which he drew from a most brilliant and judicious audience. As to the scenery--the miraculous powers of Mr. De Loutherbourg's pencil are universally acknowledged. In short, we are at a loss which to admire most, the unrivalled genius of the author, the great attention and liberality of the managers, the wonderful abilities of the painter, or the incredible exertions of all the performers."

_Sneer_. That's pretty well indeed, sir.

_Puff_. Oh, cool!--quite cool!--to what I sometimes do.

_Sneer_. And do you think there are any who are influenced by this?

_Puff_. O Lud, yes, sir! the number of those who undergo the fatigue of judging for themselves is very small indeed.

_Sneer_. Well, sir, the puff preliminary.

_Puff_. O, that, sir, does well in the form of a caution. In a matter of gallantry now--Sir Flimsy Gossamer wishes to be well with Lady f.a.n.n.y Fete--he applies to me--I open trenches for him with a paragraph in the Morning Post.--"It is recommended to the beautiful and accomplished Lady F four stars F dash E to be on her guard against that dangerous character, Sir F dash G; who, however pleasing and insinuating his manners may be, is certainly not remarkable _for the constancy of his attachments_!"-- in italics. Here, you see, Sir Flimsy Gossamer is introduced to the particular notice of Lady f.a.n.n.y, who perhaps never thought of him before--she finds herself publicly cautioned to avoid him, which naturally makes her desirous of seeing him; the observation of their acquaintance causes a pretty kind of mutual embarra.s.sment; this produces a sort of sympathy of interest, which if Sir Flimsy is unable to improve effectually, he at least gains the credit of having their names mentioned together, by a particular set, and in a particular way--which nine times out of ten is the full accomplishment of modern gallantry.

_Dang_. Egad, Sneer, you will be quite an adept in the business.

_Puff_. Now, Sir, the puff collateral is much used as an appendage to advertis.e.m.e.nts, and may take the form of anecdote,-- "Yesterday, as the celebrated George Bonmot was sauntering down St. James's Street, he met the lively Lady Mary Myrtle coming out of the park:--'Good G.o.d, Lady Mary, I'm surprised to meet you in a white jacket,--for I expected never to have seen you, but in a full-trimmed uniform and a light horseman's cap!'--'Heavens, George, where could you have learned that?'--'Why,' replied the wit, ' I just saw a print of you, in a new publication called the Camp Magazine; which, by-the-by, is a 'devilish clever thing, and is sold at No. 3, on the right hand of the way, two doors from the printing-office, the corner of Ivy Lane, Paternoster Row, price only one shilling.'"

_Sneer_. Very ingenious indeed!

_Puff_. But the puff collusive is the newest of any; for it acts in the disguise of determined hostility. It is much used by bold booksellers and enterprising poets.--"An indignant correspondent observes, that the new poem called Beelsebub's Cotillon, or Proserpine's Fete Champetre, is one of the most unjustifiable performances he ever read. The severity with which certain characters are handled is quite shocking: and as there are many descriptions in it too warmly coloured for female delicacy, the shameful avidity with which this piece is bought by all people of fashion is a reproach on the taste of the times, and a disgrace to the delicacy of the age." Here you see the two strongest inducements are held forth; first, that n.o.body ought to read it; and secondly, that everybody buys it: on the strength of which the publisher boldly prints the tenth edition, before he had sold ten of the first; and then establishes it by threatening himself with the pillory, or absolutely indicting himself for _scan. mag._ _Dang_. Ha! ha! ha!--'gad, I know it is so.

_Puff_. As to the puff oblique, or puff by implication, it is too various and extensive to be ill.u.s.trated by an instance: it attracts in t.i.tles and resumes in patents; it lurks in the limitation of a subscription, and invites in the a.s.surance of crowd and incommodation at public places; it delights to draw forth concealed merit, with a most disinterested a.s.siduity; and sometimes wears a countenance of smiling censure and tender reproach. It has a wonderful memory for parliamentary debates, and will often give the whole speech of a favoured member with the most flattering accuracy. But, above all, it is a great dealer in reports and suppositions. It has the earliest intelligence of intended preferments that will reflect honour on the patrons; and embryo promotions of modest gentlemen, who know nothing of the matter themselves. It can hint a ribbon for implied services in the air of a common report; and with the carelessness of a casual paragraph, suggest officers into commands, to which they have no pretension but their wishes.

This, sir, is the last princ.i.p.al cla.s.s of the art of puffing--an art which I hope you will now agree with me is of the highest dignity, yielding a tablature of benevolence and public spirit; befriending equally trade, gallantry, criticism, and politics: the applause of genius--the register of charity--the triumph of heroism--the self-defence of contractors--the fame of orators--and the gazette of ministers.

_Sneer_. Sir, I am completely a convert both to the importance and ingenuity of your profession; and now, sir, there is but one thing which can possibly increase my respect for you, and that is, your permitting me to be present this morning at the rehearsal of your new trage-- _Puff_. Hush, for heaven's sake!--_My_ tragedy!--Egad, Dangle, I take this very ill: you know how apprehensive I am of being known to be the author.

_Dang_. I'faith I would not have told--but it's in the papers, and your name at length in the Morning Chronicle.

_Puff_. Ah! those d.a.m.ned editors never can keep a secret I --Well, Mr. Sneer, no doubt you will do me great honour--I shall be infinitely happy--highly flattered--Dang. I believe it must be near the time--shall we go together?

_Puff_. No; it will, not be yet this hour, for they are always late at that theatre: besides, I must meet you there, for I have some little matters here to send to the papers, and a few paragraphs to scribble before I go.--[_Looking at memorandums._] Here is _A conscientious Baker, on the subject of the Army Bread; and a Detester of visible Brick-work, in favour of the new invented Stucco_; both in the style of Junius, and promised for to-morrow. The Thames navigation too is at a stand. Misomud or Anti-shoal must go to work again directly.--Here too are some political memorandums--I see; ay-- _To take Paul Jones and get the Indiamen out of the Shannon-- reinforce Byron--compel the Dutch to_--so!--I must do that in the evening papers, or reserve it for the Morning Herald; for I know that I have undertaken to-morrow, besides, to establish the unanimity of the fleet in the Public Advertiser, and to shoot Charles Fox in the Morning Post.--So, egad, I ha'n't a moment to lose.

_Dang_. Well, we'll meet in the Green Room.

[Exeunt severally.

ACT II.

SCENE I.--The Theatre before the Curtain.

_Enter_ DANGLE, PUFF, and SNEER.

_Puff_: No, no, sir; what Shakspeare says of actors may be better applied to the purpose of plays; they ought to be the abstract and brief chronicles of the time. Therefore when history, and particularly the history of our own country, furnishes anything like a case in point, to the time in which an author writes, if he knows his own interest, he will take advantage of it; so, sir, I call my tragedy The Spanish Armada; and have laid the scene before Tilbury Fort.

_Sneer_. A most happy thought, certainly I Dang. Egad it was--I told you so. But, pray now, I don't understand how you have contrived to introduce any love into it.

_Puff_. Love! oh, nothing so easy! for it is a received point among poets, that where history gives you a good heroic outline for a play, you may fill up with a little love at your own discretion: in doing which, nine times out of ten, you only make up a deficiency in the private history of the times. Now, I rather think I have done this with some success.

_Sneer_. No scandal about Queen Elizabeth, I hope?

_Puff_. O Lud! no, no;--I only suppose the governor of Tilbury Fort's daughter to be in love with the son of the Spanish admiral.

_Sneer_. Oh, is that all!

_Dang_. Excellent, i'faith! I see at once. But won't this appear rather improbable?

_Puff_. To be sure it will--but what the plague! a play is not to show occurrences that happen every day, but things just so strange, that though they never did, they might happen.

_Sneer_. Certainly nothing is unnatural, that is not physically impossible.

_Puff_. Very true--and for that matter Don Ferolo Whiskerandos, for that's the lover's name, might have been over here in the train of the Spanish amba.s.sador, or Tilburina, for that is the lady's name, might have been in love with him, from having heard his character, or seen his picture; or from knowing that he was the last man in the world she ought to be in love with--or for any other good female reason.--However; sir, the fact is, that though she is but a knight's daughter, egad! she is in love like any princess!

_Dang_. Poor young lady! I feel for her already! for I can conceive how great the conflict must be between her pa.s.sion and her duty; her love for her country, and her love for Don Ferolo Whiskerandos!

_Puff_. Oh, amazing!--her poor susceptible heart is swayed to and fro by contending pa.s.sions like-- _Enter_ UNDER PROMPTER.

_Und. Promp_. Sir, the scene is set, and everything is ready to begin, if you please.

_Puff_. Egad, then we'll lose no time.

_Und. Promp_. Though, I believe, sir, you will find it very short, for all the performers have profited by the kind permission you granted them.

_Puff_. Hey! what?

_Und. Promp_. You know, sir, you gave them leave to cut out or omit whatever they found heavy or unnecessary to the plot, and I must own they have taken very liberal advantage of your indulgence.

_Puff_. Well, well.--They are in general very good judges, and I know I am luxuriant.--Now, Mr. Hopkins, as soon as you please.

_Und. Promp_. [_To the_ Orchestra.] Gentlemen, will you play a few bars of something, just to-- _Puff_. Ay, that's right; for as we have the scenes and dresses, egad, we'll go to't, as if it was the first night's performance,--but you need not mind stopping between the acts-- [_Exit_ UNDER PROMPTER.--Orchestra _play--then the bell

rings_.] Soh! stand clear; gentlemen. Now you know there will be a cry of down! down!--Hats off!--Silence!--Then up curtain, and let us see what our painters have done for us. [_Curtain rises_.]

SCENE II.--_Tilbury Fort_.

"_Two_ SENTINELS _discovered asleep_."

_Dang_. Tilbury Fort!--very fine indeed!

_Puff_. Now, what do you think I open with?

_Sneer_. Faith, I can't guess-- _Puff_. A clock.--Hark!--[_Clock strikes_.] I open with a clock striking, to beget an awful attention in the audience: it also marks the time, which is four o'clock in the morning, and saves a description of the rising sun, and a great deal about gilding the eastern hemisphere.

_Pang_. But pray, are the sentinels to be asleep?

_Puff_. Fast as watchmen.

_Sneer_. Isn't that odd though at such an alarming crisis?

_Puff_. To be sure it is,--but smaller things must give way to a striking scene at the opening; that's a rule. And the case is, that two great men are coming to this very spot to begin the piece; now it is not to be supposed they would open their lips, if these fellows were watching them; so, egad, I must either have sent them off their posts, or set them asleep.

_Sneer_. Oh, that accounts for it. But tell us, who are these coming?

_Puff_. These are they--Sir Walter Raleigh, and Sir Christopher Hatton. You'll know Sir Christopher by his turning out his toes--famous, you know, for his dancing. I like to preserve all the little traits of character.--Now attend.

"_Enter_ SIR WALTER RALEIGH and SIR CHRISTOPHER HATTON.

_Sir Christ_. True, gallant Raleigh!"

_Dang_. What, they had been talking before?

_Puff_. O yes; all the way as they came along.--[To the actors.] I beg pardon, gentlemen, but these are particular friends of mine, whose remarks may be of great service to us.-- [_To_ SNEER _and_ DANGLE.] Don't mind interrupting them whenever anything strikes you.

"_Sir Christ_.

True, gallant Raleigh But oh, thou champion of thy country's fame, There is a question which I yet must ask A question which I never ask'd before-- What mean these mighty armaments?

This general muster? and this throng of chiefs?"

_Sneer_. Pray, Mr. Puff, how came Sir Christopher Hatton never to ask that question before?

_Puff_. What before the play began?-how the plague could he?

_Dang_. That's true, i'faith!

_Puff_. But you will hear what he thinks of the matter.

_Sir Christ_.

"Alas I my n.o.ble friend, when I behold Yon tented plains in martial symmetry Array'd; when I count o'er yon glittering lines Of crested warriors, where the proud steeds' neigh, And valour-breathing trumpet's shrill appeal, Responsive vibrate on my listening ear; When virgin majesty herself I view, Like her protecting Pallas, veil'd in steel, With graceful confidence exhort to arms!

When, briefly, all I hear or see bears stamp Of martial vigilance and stern defence, I cannot but surmise--forgive, my friend, If the conjecture's rash--I cannot but Surmise the state some danger apprehends!"

_Sneer_. A very cautious conjecture that.

_Puff_. Yes, that's his character; not to give an opinion but on secure grounds.--Now then.

_Sir Walt_.

"O most accomplish'd Christopher!"--

_Puff_. He calls him by his Christian name, to show that they are on the most familiar terms.

_Sir Walt_. O most accomplish'd Christopher! I find Thy staunch sagacity still tracks the future, In the fresh print of the o'ertaken past."

_Puff_. Figurative!