"Oh, and I recall there was a lot of retribution going on in Wuthering Heights Wuthering Heights. Which sort of takes us back to considering everybody who hated Thane."

Tim shook his head in bewilderment. "With so much animosity going on behind the scenes of a show that's based on foul play, the blackmailer could be anyone."

"Nope!" Polly said, and drained her flute. "I can't agree. It had to be someone with either too much to lose, or someone who'd already lost everything and wanted vengeance. This leaves a very intimate group."

Placenta poured more champagne all around. "No. The group isn't so small. The killer, at least Thane's killer, could still be one of the contestants on the surveillance tapes, or Lisa or Richard or Brian. They all have more to lose if those tapes get out and circulated on the Net."

"Let's wait and see what Randy has to say," Tim suggested. "In the meantime, let's catch Steven again in Anything Goes-Disc Four of Six.'

At eight o'clock, Sergeant Sandy announced that the driver from Spago had arrived with dinner. She opened the gate and allowed the Mercedes-Benz to enter the estate and park near the front entrance. Tim tipped the man twenty dollars and took the warm bags into the kitchen. As Polly and Randy rubbed noses in the great room, Placenta and Tim set the table, and ladled the spring-green asparagus soup into four bowls, and placed the Cantonese roasted duck in the warming oven. Rather than ringing a bell to call Polly and Randy to dinner, all Placenta had to do was pop the cork from another bottle of champagne, and the infatuated couple stopped what they were doing and came to the dining room.

Always a gentleman, Randy held out the chair at the head of the table for Polly, and did the same for Placenta, whom he seated to Polly's left. Randy took his seat opposite Placenta while Tim faced his mother from the other end of the table. After a few sincere comments from Randy about how great the soup looked, and oh, boy, was he hungry, everyone simultaneously picked up their spoons and began to eat. Amid sounds that could be mistaken for amorous pleasures, Polly took another long swallow from her champagne flute and said, "Did you notice the lovely new addition to our estate security?"

Randy nodded. "I was going to ask about her. I should be on a permanent list of approved guests. She's not very adept at frisking men."

Polly nodded. "Absolutely!" She turned to Placenta. "Be sure that Sergeant Sandy places Randy's name on the 'A' list. Remind her that Tim and I are the only ones allowed to do a strip search."

"Do you really need the Secret Service?" Randy asked as he scooped up the dregs of his soup.

"Tim has the bizarre notion that just because we may have major evidence to exonerate Lisa Marrs in the Thane Cornwall murder case, we're all going to be dead soon." Polly looked up at Randy. "Oh, drat!"

Tim and Placenta shared an infinitesimal smirk.

"Dead?" Randy said, taking a sip from his water gla.s.s.

"Timmy overreacts." Polly smiled. "The fact that the boy we almost adopted, Michael, a kid who was living in the most degrading circ.u.mstances, which I'll tell you about some other time, discovered that we unwittingly possessed the secret surveillance s.e.x tapes of Steven Benjamin and the cast ... and I mean the entire cast of I'll Do Anything I'll Do Anything... and tried to steal them from us, which is what dear dead Danny was probably trying to do when he got yanked out of the physical world, and the fact that everybody else on the show seems to know that we have these amazing and undoubtedly extremely valuable DVDs of I'll Do Anything for an Orgy I'll Do Anything for an Orgy, Tim got paranoid and said we were as good as dead. That was before we discovered that Steven was being blackmailed, but now that we're certain of that, I think it's a good idea to have the extra security."

Polly came up for air and took a long swallow from her gla.s.s. "If nothing else, it's good for potential Polly Pepper killers to see that it isn't so easy to barge in on the estate of the queen of television!"

Tim put down his spoon. "Mother, we all agreed that it was wise to have the extra help since the dumb security alarm service can't keep our unit working. Sergeant Sandy is a very good investment in our safety."

Randy sat back and folded his arms across his chest. When Polly noticed his eyes boring into her own, she smiled. "Yes?"

"Adoption? s.e.x tapes? Blackmail?" Randy smiled. "If I act all innocent and full of wide-eyed wonder, would you indulge my naivete and elaborate?"

Polly touched Randy's arm. "I'm so happy that you're not angry with me! I just couldn't involve you until I had all the evidence I need to clear Lisa Marrs of the crime of murdering Thane Cornwall. Actually, I don't have any evidence, but I'm close. And you can help."

Randy shook his head. "Unbelievable."

Polly smiled with pride. "I'm getting pretty good at this sleuthing business, aren't I?"

Randy sighed. "I mean, it's unbelievable that you would suggest that I help you continue this crime spree you're on."

"I'm not the one committing crimes," Polly said. "I didn't know that I had important evidence until I watched the DVDs of Anything Goes Anything Goes, which we inadvertently stumbled across in Lisa's apartment. Oh, I know what you're going to say. You'll want to know what we were doing there in the first place. Then you'll ask how we came into possession of the evidence. It's all a long story and I'm too hungry to discuss it right now."

"I'll wager it's rather a very short story. Here's how I see it. You either broke into Lisa's apartment or conned your way in. Then you burgled the place. The end."

"Polly Pepper is not a burglar," she insisted. "I simply borrowed an old movie that turned out to be new, and not even what I thought it was. Bing Crosby was nowhere on those DVDs! Look, I probably did the wrong thing taking anything out of Lisa's apartment. And I should have asked you for help a long time ago. But I didn't think you'd let me get involved. You know how dreary my days have become. This is the most excitement I've had since-"

Randy could not stay mad at Polly. He touched her arm and smiled. "What can I do to help?"

"That's more like it!" Polly squealed. "What you can do is get a few of your police pals to attend tomorrow's taping of I'll Do Anything to Become Famous I'll Do Anything to Become Famous. It's the final night of the compet.i.tion, and I'm going to insist that J.J. get my old job back as a judge. By the time he gets through with Richard Dartmouth, I'll probably get a raise, too. Anyway, I have a hunch I may say something that will cause a bit of a stir."

Chapter 24.

"Tell me again how you made him cry," Polly laughed into the phone as Tim and Placenta eavesdropped on her conversation with her nefarious agent, J.J.

Polly smiled when she had completed her call. "J.J.'s a gem. Chipped and most definitely cracked, but he got me back on the show, starting tonight!"

"What about that Saddleback creature who replaced you?" Tim asked.

"Booted back to the coffee klatch, The Shrews." The Shrews."

"Consorting with J.J. is playing with the devil." Placenta tsk-tsked. "What sort of evil did J.J. perpetrate against Richard?"

"That's the best part." Polly smiled. "Apparently, Richard and J.J. frequent the same, shall we say, ma.s.sage therapist. J.J. threatened to let America's mommies know how Richard spends his weekends-special uniforms, and all. The country's little kiddies would be yanked away from watching Lafayette and Boom Boom Lafayette and Boom Boom, and those darling teen heartthrobs on Youth and Eyes Youth and Eyes on the Sterling Channel as quickly as one could say the Jonas Brothers have zits. Sterling's stock would plummet, and soon handsome but kinky Richard would be out on his b.u.t.t alongside that former Sterling senior VP, Shari Draper." on the Sterling Channel as quickly as one could say the Jonas Brothers have zits. Sterling's stock would plummet, and soon handsome but kinky Richard would be out on his b.u.t.t alongside that former Sterling senior VP, Shari Draper."

Tim looked at his watch. "It's nearly noon. What's the call time? You'd better get ready. And start thinking up crazy questions for the interview segment of the show. It's your last chance to find out who will proudly say, 'I'll Do Anything to Become Famous.' I'm going outside to check on the gardeners."

Polly and Placenta hurried out of the great room and hustled up the Scarlett O'Hara Memorial Staircase. At the second-floor landing, they both rushed toward Polly's bedroom suite. "I'll draw the bath!" Placenta called back as she pa.s.sed Polly in the corridor. "You decide what you want to wear."

"What I want is a medicinal gla.s.s of bubbly!" Polly said as she entered her boudoir and opened the door on her bedside wine cooler. "I'll take care of the bath. You, open the bottle and lay out my new Dolce, please!"

The two were happy to be engaged in an activity that kept them working together and focused on a mutually agreed upon outcome: turning the lady of the manor into a reasonable facsimile of the Polly Pepper that a generation remembered from her glory days on television. "This is my last time at bat, and I need to be stunning!" Polly said. "Oh, and I want to smell good too. I'll be on set all day and J.J. said to expect the media to be out in full force covering the meteoric launch of another fifteen seconds of blame, er, fame."

As a euphoric Polly immersed herself in the bubbles of her Jacuzzi tub, she set her champagne gla.s.s among her herbal body oils and lotions on her tub caddy, and felt herself melt into the fragrant suds. "I pity the poor people," Polly cooed.

"I don't see you volunteering to alleviate the suffering on this sick planet," Placenta grunted.

"I mean, the poor people who aren't judges on a popular TV reality game show," Polly said. "If I do well tonight, perhaps when Paula Abdul finally gets her skinny a.s.s off that American Idol American Idol chair, I'll be asked to replace her. I mean, everybody in town must know that I survived Thane Cornwall, so I can certainly hold my own with Simon Cowell!" chair, I'll be asked to replace her. I mean, everybody in town must know that I survived Thane Cornwall, so I can certainly hold my own with Simon Cowell!"

"Considering that Thane died after one show, I'd say that you survived him only in the same sense that you survived Danny... by him preceding you in death," Placenta said. She added more champagne to Polly's gla.s.s, and busied herself with straightening the colorful bottles of perfume on the granite-top sideboard that served as a vanity in the vast bathroom. "We'll see how well you take on Richard Dartmouth tonight."

Polly splashed in the tub. "After the way ol' J.J. slaughtered him, Richard'll probably go for my jugular," she said, taking another sip from her gla.s.s. "However, America loves me, and I'll come out smelling like the rose that I am."

"You're a thorn!"

Polly and Placenta both looked up when they heard Sergeant Sandy's voice. Sandy stood in the bathroom doorway, pointing a gun at Polly.

"JesusJosephandMary!" Placenta said.

"Forget about roses, you'll soon smell like fried flesh." Sergeant Sandy pointed her revolver at Placenta. "Sit!" she barked.

Placenta did as instructed and took a seat on the white leather chaise. "What the h.e.l.l are you doing? You're supposed to be protecting us, not robbing us!"

"Robbery?" Sergeant Sandy said, her eyes darting between Polly and Placenta. "I'm not stealing anything. Except a few DVDs-and your lives."

Polly gasped. "Why? What for? What did we ever do to you?"

"It's what you didn't didn't do," Sergeant Sandy said. "You didn't mind your own business. You had to take those DVDs from Lisa Marrs's apartment. You beat Ped-Xing and Michael there by mere minutes and ruined all our plans by pinching what you thought were copies of that stupid old movie musical. We-Lisa, Ped, Michael, and me-had everything worked out... until you got in the way." do," Sergeant Sandy said. "You didn't mind your own business. You had to take those DVDs from Lisa Marrs's apartment. You beat Ped-Xing and Michael there by mere minutes and ruined all our plans by pinching what you thought were copies of that stupid old movie musical. We-Lisa, Ped, Michael, and me-had everything worked out... until you got in the way."

Polly clicked her tongue. "I see. You were aware that Steven Benjamin's s.e.xual proclivities were captured by surveillance cameras, and you were blackmailing him."

Sergeant Sandy looked at Polly as though she were an idiot. "We weren't blackmailing Steven Benjamin."

"But the note?" Polly said.

"Note?" Office Sandy sneered.

Placenta whispered, "Skip it, Polly. There isn't any note. You're fantasizing again."

"Never mind," Polly said. "It may seem fun to be a megastar like me, but the bright studio lights have a way of melting one's marbles."

"Just shut up!" Sergeant Sandy spat. "Where's the hair dryer?" she asked Placenta.

"We don't have one," Placenta said.

"What do you call that thing?" Sergeant Sandy said, and pointed to a handheld hair dryer attached to the wall above the vanity. "Get it! And don't try anything heroic, or I swear I'll blast you first. You're not spoiling this this plan." plan."

"What plan?" Placenta asked.

"According to the statement I'll give to the police, I caught you after you murdered your boss by electrocution and I had to shoot you in self-defense."

"No one'll buy that," Polly said as she wondered why her knight in shining armor was never around when she needed him. "Placenta and I are best friends. The National Peeper National Peeper even hinted that we're lovers, which is ridiculous since Jodie Foster is far more my type. That is, if I had a type. I mean, if I liked ladies instead of men, which I actually thought about after my second husband, the a.s.shole, left me. But then I realized that I'd miss a certain accoutrement that nature gave to only one of the s.e.xes. But everybody knows that Placenta and I are devoted to one another. She would never do anything to harm me, nor I her!" even hinted that we're lovers, which is ridiculous since Jodie Foster is far more my type. That is, if I had a type. I mean, if I liked ladies instead of men, which I actually thought about after my second husband, the a.s.shole, left me. But then I realized that I'd miss a certain accoutrement that nature gave to only one of the s.e.xes. But everybody knows that Placenta and I are devoted to one another. She would never do anything to harm me, nor I her!"

"Shut up!" Sergeant Sandy growled through gritted teeth. "One more word and you're dead!"

"Isn't that where all of this is leading anyway?" Polly said. "Before you kill me I want to know what I'm dying for. How does my having those discs of surveillance coverage have anything to do with you?"

Sergeant Sandy looked at Placenta. "Get the hair dryer. Now!"

Placenta moved to the vanity as slowly as possible and unplugged the Conair dryer. She stood with her back to the intruder, but could see her reflection in the mirror.

"What are you waiting for?" Sergeant Sandy huffed. "Let's get this over with!"

"Placenta, don't move," Polly commanded. "Not until we're told why we have to die."

Sergeant Sandy shook her head. "For an actress, you don't take direction very well." She gave in. "Your time as a living legend is up because I need those discs, and because you know too much. My baby is going to win I'll Do Anything to Become Famous I'll Do Anything to Become Famous when she proves that she indeed would-and did-more outrageous things than the others." when she proves that she indeed would-and did-more outrageous things than the others."

"Your baby?" Polly said. "You're Taco Bell's mother?"

"Socorro!" Sergeant Sandy snapped. "Her name is Socorro Sanchez. That bigot, Thane Cornwall, insulted her by nicknaming her after a fast food restaurant."

"She killed Thane?" Polly said.

"No! She seduced the show's host!"

"She intentionally slept with Steven Benjamin. In my book that makes her fast food," Placenta said. "If the burrito fits ..."

Polly sn.i.g.g.e.red and Sergeant Sandy pointed her gun at the star. "I'm sorry," Polly said as she pulled a meringue of frothy suds toward her b.r.e.a.s.t.s. "You do know that Steven slept with all the contestants?"

"I only pretend to be stupid," Sergeant Sandy said. "Playing the 'dense as cement' game helps when I'm working for brain-dead rich people, like the ones at Pepper Plantation. I've watched all the discs. Remember? Tonight, when the DVD with Socorro is broadcast-which will demonstrate the lengths she has gone to become famous-she'll be the winner. To make her victory even more a.s.sured, Socorro will explain that after seducing Steven Benjamin, she convinced all the other contestants that if someone had s.e.x with the host they'd have a better chance of winning."

"And each thought they were the only ones to go through with it," Polly said.

Placenta forced a weak smile. "Very Hollywood. Everybody screws everybody else to win."

Polly looked perplexed. "You said that you didn't know anything about a blackmail letter," she said to Sandy.

The security guard shrugged. "I'd never put anything in writing. Anyway, we didn't want anything from Steven, except the tapes filled with him and Socorro and Ped-Xing and Amy and Miranda and Danny."

"Talk about 'reality,'" Placenta said.

"You used Danny to collect the discs from Pepper Plantation and then you killed him," Polly said. "As an employee of SOS, you were able to interrupt the alarm system, get Danny into the house to look for the DVDs, and then snuff out his life to keep him quiet."

"I had nothing to do with Danny's death," Sandy insisted. "Yeah, Michael and Danny came here to find the discs, but when they heard someone else in the house, Michael freaked and left Danny alone. Someone else killed him."

"Did you know that the discs were here before you came to work for us?" Polly asked.

"It was logical," Sandy said. "Lisa befriended Michael after a particularly nasty day for him with Thane. They got together for drinks to commiserate about their loathsome bosses, and in no time she was yakking about Richard secretly filming the contestants ... and judges ... in their dressing rooms. Yeah, I know it was part of the reality contest, some sort of bonus for contestants to score extra points if they plotted and schemed and made a big enough noise while backstage. Lisa said that she didn't have time to put the discs in her bank security deposit box because she was arrested for the murder of Thane Cornwall on a weekend. She told him where to find them. But then you got into her place and took them home with you. Thief."

"Did you plan to have Michael stay with us?" Polly asked.

"You did that all by your own stupid self," Sandy said. "We could never have planned a better scenario for getting Michael into your house. If he'd succeeded in absconding with those discs, we wouldn't be here today. However, the idiot failed at your dinner party when he lost one in the gra.s.s on the estate, then screwed up again when he had full reign of the house."

"So why isn't Michael dead like Danny?" Polly asked.

Sergeant Sandy took a deep breath and said, "Let's just say that he's no longer living in that h.e.l.lhole of a rooming house."

"Poor boy," Placenta said. "I think he sorta liked Tim-in a big brother way."

Polly suddenly looked horrified. "Tim! What have you done with Tim?"

"Relax. It's Friday. Hector the gardener day. Last Friday I noticed that between twelve thirty and two Hector and Tim disappeared into the cottage over by the south end of the estate. They're having a tea party again-if you get my drift. Too bad he and Placenta plotted against you for their inheritance. Again with the self-defense theme."

Polly shook her head wildly. "What the h.e.l.l are you talking about? He would never... You won't get away with this! Not a single person on the planet, especially our friends, will ever believe you!"

"You should have taken the time to read my daily reports. If you had, you'd have discovered that I kept meticulous notes and quoted long conversations between your son and so-called maid. They planned elaborate ways to get rid of you." Sandy sighed again. "For crying out loud, I take the time to use my creative writing talents in my daily reports and n.o.body reads in this house! A shame."

Sandy pointed to an electrical socket near the Jacuzzi tub. "Time's up. Plug in the dryer over here. Then turn it on and play catch with your mistress."

As Sergeant Sandy backed away from the tub for a wider view of the women, Placenta moved forward.