By the time Michael was served his first cup of coffee, Tim straggled down from his room and took a seat opposite him. When Placenta handed him a mug she looked at Michael and said, "Don't take any offense, but Mr. Tim is a ceased engine when he sleeps. He can't get his jaw to move along with his thoughts until after his caffeine rush. He'll be a real, live, talking doll in a few minutes."

Tim looked up at Placenta and made a sound like something weak and dying.

"That's my boy," Placenta said. She retreated into the house and opened a carton of pancake batter.

After a few long swallows from his mug, Tim made the effort to say, "Hey."

"Hey, back," Michael responded. "Did you sleep well?"

"Mmm."

"Me too. Except for a dream about Thane," Michael said. "Obviously triggered by all that talk about who killed the son of a b.i.t.c.h."

Polly's voice was suddenly behind Michael's ear. "Such language on the Lord's Day. Oh h.e.l.l, did I startle you, dear?" she asked as Michael spilled half his mug of coffee. "Join me for a BM. That'll settle you down." She took an empty juice gla.s.s and poured in a quarter of the b.l.o.o.d.y Mary that Placenta had set at her place, and handed it to Michael. Picking up her little tea bell, Polly rang it aggressively.

"In a b.l.o.o.d.y minute!" she heard Placenta call from the kitchen.

"Must be pancake morning," Polly said. "She always makes a fuss when she's trying to get the edges just brown enough." She looked at Tim. "Did my boys sleep well? Oh, right, something about a Thane nightmare. Did he tell you where to find the buried treasure?"

Michael looked at Polly with a blank stare. "Yo, ho, ho?"

Polly shrugged. "You once mentioned that Thane said there was a treasure. I was just hoping he came to you in your sleep and told you where X marks the spot."

Michael chuckled. "Right. Um, no. No nocturnal messages. No secrets from the dead."

Placenta appeared with a tray bearing a plate of blueberry pancakes, a stack of bacon, and two b.l.o.o.d.y Marys. She set the meal before Michael and both gla.s.ses in front of Polly.

"Michael wants one too," Polly said, pointing to her drinks. Before she could object, Placenta removed one of the gla.s.ses and placed it before Michael.

"Are you up to eating solids this morning?" Placenta asked Polly.

Polly rolled her eyes and withdrew a stalk of celery from her gla.s.s. She playfully flicked it at Placenta, then defiantly took a large bite from the celery.

Placenta laughed as she retreated into the house to fetch another breakfast plate. When she returned with Polly's and Tim's meals she said, "By the by, I think we have an old-movie buff in our midst. Michael was having a swell time looking at all the DVDs in the library. Maybe you've finally found someone who'll watch The Dolly Sisters The Dolly Sisters with you. G.o.d help the unfledged." with you. G.o.d help the unfledged."

"Don't fall for the trap," Tim managed to say. "If you see one Betty Grable film you'll end up stuck with June Haver, Penny Singleton, and Dorothy Lamour. Save yourself, man!"

Polly took a long swallow from her gla.s.s and glared at Tim. "If you insult the memory of Betty Grable, you insult the industry that provided all that we have here. She was my idol. You've got your Bouncy-"

"Beyonce ..."

"-I had Betty, and Doris Day, and Lena Horne. Give me an MGM Technicolor musical over a Batman movie any day," Polly snapped.

Michael said, "My mother liked Doris Day. I'd love to watch one of her films with you."

"Brownnose," Tim mocked.

"Romance on the High Seas at one!" Polly smiled with satisfaction and finished her drink. at one!" Polly smiled with satisfaction and finished her drink.

Tim stretched and moved his chair away from the table. "Thanks, Placenta," he called into the kitchen. Looking at his mother and Michael, he said, "I'd better call Royal Flush and get Trevor out here to fix the toilet. While you two are visiting with Miss Day, I'll be learning about what to do with a ball c.o.c.k."

As Tim walked away from the table he called back, "Let's meet up at Lush Hour. Here. By the pool. Ta!"

Polly placed a hand on Michael's arm. "At last. It's just you and me. A full day of chitchat. We might sneak in an Esther Williams musical!"

Chapter 20.

"You've got mail!" Polly always felt a slight tingle of antic.i.p.ation when the voice inside her computer announced that she'd received a message. Although the majority of the missives guaranteed improbable ways to lose a hundred pounds in a week, or nonsurgical methods to enhance the size of her p.e.n.i.s, Polly still enjoyed thinking that people were taking a personal interest in her. She rubbed her hands together, touched her mouse, and rolled her cursor to the postage stamp icon. A dozen messages popped up, most of which were lascivious ads that she had triggered when she made the mistake six months earlier of visiting one of Tim's favorite adult entertainment sites.

One subject line instantly grabbed her attention. We adore you! Polly beamed and clicked her mouse. She read: 29 August Dear Polly,A proper handwritten message will follow, posthaste, but we wanted to express our sincere appreciation straight away for a brilliant evening at your dinner table last night.If we appeared gobsmacked at first, it was the result of meeting you in person and admiring your famous house. I trust that we eventually behaved ourselves, and that last night won't be a one-off. We will reciprocate within a fortnight, I promise.With all good wishes,Tiara and StevenP.S. I'm so very sorry for all the spilt blood!

Polly smiled, and printed out the letter for Tim and Placenta to read. She looked at the clock on the upper left-hand corner of her screen. "d.a.m.n," she uttered, realizing that it was well past the time she had promised to meet Michael for a movie in the great room. Polly signed off from her e-mail account and shut down her computer. She raced out of her bedroom suite and flew down the Scarlett O'Hara Memorial Staircase. At the bottom step she saw Placenta and as she hurried by she called back, "Don't miss the first song!"

The double doors to the great room were closed. In her haste Polly pushed the panels and dashed into the room. "I'm hee-er!" she exclaimed. "A million apologies for keeping you-"

She stopped midsentence and looked in astonishment at Michael. He was standing by the DVD shelves and appeared to be stashing a DVD under his shirt. "Sweetums, you can have whatever movie you want. Just ask," Polly said.

"I. Um. There were six of the same," Michael explained. "I, er, was going to watch it in my room later and just didn't want to forget."

Polly didn't know what to do. She hadn't been around much of the time while Tim was growing up, so she didn't know how to handle a boy who was obviously lying ... and stealing.

Placenta arrived with a tray of gla.s.ses and a pitcher of lemonade. She instantly sensed that something wasn't right. "Did Doris Day's romance on the high seas drown?" she said.

Michael handed Polly the disc and left the room.

"What's the preoccupation with this stupid old movie?" Polly said, looking closely at the disc. "I walked in here to watch a movie with Michael and I find our guest stuffing Anything Goes Anything Goes-the same disc that Sergeant Sandy found-under his shirt."

Placenta examined the disc. "Michael was in here this morning going through all the t.i.tles. He must have been looking for this one. I wouldn't have guessed that he was a Bing Crosby fan."

Polly looked defeated. "d.a.m.n! I was in the mood to play mentor and show another generation the magic of movie musicals."

Placenta walked over to the large-screen television and pressed the On b.u.t.ton for the DVD player. "h.e.l.l, we're here. As much as your old musicals bore the cellulite out of me, and G.o.d knows this one is a snooze-fest, I'll take the afternoon off and have a look with you." She slipped the disc into the DVD tray and picked up the remote. Placenta walked back to the sofa and filled a gla.s.s with lemonade. "This'll tide you over until Lush Hour," she said, handing a tumbler and napkin to Polly. Then she picked up a gla.s.s for herself and settled down next to the mistress of the manor. They both took small sips from their gla.s.ses as Placenta pushed the Play b.u.t.ton on the remote control.

The television screen instantly came to life. "Jeez, what a lousy copy!" Polly complained. "Must be a gazil-lion generations away from the original. It's not even in color, for crying out loud. I should have let Michael have the d.a.m.n thing."

"I'll get another copy," Placenta said, and stood up to retrieve Anything Goes-2 of 6 Anything Goes-2 of 6 from the disc library. As she looked for the DVD, Polly suddenly cried out, "JesusJosephandMary!" from the disc library. As she looked for the DVD, Polly suddenly cried out, "JesusJosephandMary!"

A startled Placenta turned, expecting to see that Michael had returned and was holding a knife to Polly's throat. Instead she saw Polly with one hand over her smiling mouth, and the other pointing to the screen. Placenta followed Polly's stare. "Holy moly!" she exclaimed. "What the h.e.l.l? Anything Goes Anything Goes, indeed!"

Placenta sat on the sofa next to Polly without taking her eyes off the screen. The images, in poorly lit black-and-white, revealed a man and a woman methodically removing each other's clothes. The film quality was atrocious, and the camera didn't move with the action. But there was sound. And the noises that Polly and Placenta heard were ones usually reserved for the intimacy of a bedroom.

Polly looked away for a moment and fixed her eyes on Placenta, who looked at Polly and laughed. In a moment, they were both hysterical with amus.e.m.e.nt, as if they were kids spying on an older sibling's date. "Wait! What was that?" Polly said, and listened more closely. "Turn up the sound."

"Steven! Oh yeah, Steven, baby!" a woman's voice cooed.

"Miranda, you fox," the man's voice responded.

"Steven?" Polly cried out.

"Miranda?" Placenta screeched.

Tim came into the room. "Whatcha watchin'?"

Lush Hour finally arrived and Placenta opened the first bottle of Veuve. She poured three flutes and served Polly and Tim before taking a long swallow from her own gla.s.s. "This has been the longest day of my life!" she said. "Don't expect me to cook tonight."

Polly rolled her eyes, then raised her gla.s.s. "I trust you both know what we have in our hot little DVD player. That's right. The keys to the kingdom!"

"The Golden Chalice," Tim said.

"The Holy Grail," Placenta added.

"It's what Lisa called 'the treasure map,'" Polly continued. "This absolutely boggles my mind. Steven and Tiara seemed like an ideal couple. But we've just watched six films with six different contestants, and one horn dog named Steven having a.s.signations with all of them in their dressing rooms!"

"Whoever edited the tapes knows how to build suspense!" Placenta said. "The cuts of Steven arriving at the studio, then skulking around the hallways, before knocking on Taco Bell's door, then Amy Stout's, then Ped-Xing's, and playing casting couch. They're really well done!"

"I know this is Hollywood, and I've seen just about everything there is to see, but for crying out loud, the backstage intrigue at I'll Do Anything to Become Famous I'll Do Anything to Become Famous is more scandalous than is more scandalous than Desperate Housewives Desperate Housewives and and Days of Our Lives Days of Our Lives combined!" combined!"

"We're dead," Tim moaned. "We're all The Man Who Knew Too Much The Man Who Knew Too Much. Obviously, there are people who know that these discs exist. Lisa. Michael. Miranda. Thane and Danny must have known, too. That's probably why they're dead. Now Michael knows exactly where they are. Someone's going to come after us, and there's nowhere to hide."

"That's why we have security," Polly said. She stood up and walked to the intercom, and summoned Sergeant Sandy into the house.

"We should go to the police," Placenta said.

"And say what, that we found someone's homemade p.o.r.n?" Polly answered. "Long before Rob Lowe and Pammy Anderson and Tommy Lee filmed their boring s.m.u.t, do-it-yourself triple-X-rated videos have been a ubiquitous part of Hollywood family mementos. The way families used to film little Ashley's piano recital, or little Gregory's Little League game. Everyone does it. Anyway, all the people in Anything Goes Anything Goes are of legal age. They looked to me as if they were all very much consenting adults." are of legal age. They looked to me as if they were all very much consenting adults."

"But Steven obviously took advantage of them," Tim said. "They probably promised to do something for him in exchange for him doing something for them. Quid pro quo can still mean s.e.xual hara.s.sment."

"It's an arrangement as old as Hollywood, dear," Polly said. "And, as far as we know, no one has filed a complaint."

"One could package and distribute this like a Girls Gone Wild Girls Gone Wild DVD and be financially set for the rest of one's life," Tim said. DVD and be financially set for the rest of one's life," Tim said.

Polly raised her eyebrows. "How much do you think we could get?"

Tim looked at his mother. "Six or seven big ones."

"Millions?" Polly perked up.

"Bullets to the head!" Tim sa.s.sed.

Placenta tsk-tsked. "If you hadn't lifted those d.a.m.n discs from Lisa's apartment in the first place we would not be in this mess!"

"How did I know that Anything Goes Anything Goes was code for how far the contestants had already gone to try to win the game and achieve fame? Sleeping with the host is like sleeping with the boss at the office! So tacky!" Polly scoffed. was code for how far the contestants had already gone to try to win the game and achieve fame? Sleeping with the host is like sleeping with the boss at the office! So tacky!" Polly scoffed.

Sergeant Sandy knocked on the open door and stepped into the room. She stood with her thumbs hooked over the waist of her uniform pants. "Yes, ma'am?"

Polly offered Sergeant Sandy a gla.s.s of champagne, which she declined. Polly said, "Our houseguest is gone for good. He must not be allowed onto the estate again."

"Yes, ma'am," Sergeant Sandy said with a curt nod. "He already told me that he wasn't coming back."

Polly continued. "And we'd better ramp up security."

A glow appeared in Sergeant Sandy's eyes. "Yes, ma'am. I need to be briefed. What's the nature of the situation?"

Polly took another long swallow from her gla.s.s and pa.s.sed it to Placenta for a refill. "Let's put it this way, the Terminator-and I don't mean our charming Austrian governor-may be on his way over to blow us all to smithereens."

An unusually agitated Placenta interrupted. "What Polly means is, we've suddenly found ourselves in a potentially deep ditch of doo-doo."

Polly shot her a stern look. "That's putting it succinctly. It appears that we're in possession of something that other people want, and we think that they've already killed two other people to get hold of it."

Sergeant Sandy asked, "Do I have to play twenty questions? Is it the Renoir in the living room? The Emmys over there?" She pointed to the lighted gla.s.s shelves. "Your flashy jewelry? You shouldn't wear so much in public."

"It's a DVD of Anything Goes," Anything Goes," Placenta said. Placenta said.

Sergeant Sandy made a face. "Not that Bing Crosby piece of dung? Excuse me. I know that your friend Mitzi Gaynor is in that piece of c.r.a.p. Er, excuse me again."

Polly made a "pffft" sound. "No, what we have are DVDs that are labeled 'Anything Goes,' but they aren't the movie. At least not that that movie. They're copies of security camera coverage of some very private encounters in the Sterling Studios dressing rooms. We obtained them accidentally, and now someone is out to get them back. I'd oblige if I knew the rightful owner. But it seems as though there are at least two people-Michael and Miranda-who are after them. I'll bet Dead Danny was too." movie. They're copies of security camera coverage of some very private encounters in the Sterling Studios dressing rooms. We obtained them accidentally, and now someone is out to get them back. I'd oblige if I knew the rightful owner. But it seems as though there are at least two people-Michael and Miranda-who are after them. I'll bet Dead Danny was too."

Tim looked at Sergeant Sandy and said, "This could be really dangerous. If the wrong person gets hold of the DVDs ... there are six discs ... they could ruin careers, or make zillions of dollars selling them on eBay, or... But to get the discs, they have to come here. They'd have to go through Polly and Placenta and me, and you too. As I said, we're dead."

"This is the one time that having a police detective boyfriend is not going to help," Polly said. "Randy would be furious with me for taking something from a crime scene."

"You stole the discs?" Officer Sandy said.

"No!" Polly protested. "Polly Pepper doesn't have to steal anything! She's rich and famous and fans give her tons of useless garbage for free."

"Didn't stop Winona Ryder," Sandy said.

"I'm not a klepto! I merely borrowed an old movie. Or what I thought was an old movie," Polly said. "And please don't compare me with a talented young actress and friend who made a stupid mistake, and will probably have that sorry business brought up in her obituary."

"Randy would insist that you take the evidence to the police," Placenta said.

"But you can't do that without getting yourself in trouble," Sergeant Sandy said. "And if he knew that you had this material and didn't turn it in, he'd be in trouble for aiding and abetting, or some such thing. I don't know exactly how that works, but I'm sure that he'd never speak to you again."

Sergeant Sandy rubbed her jaw, as if she were stroking a beard, as she thought of a plan of action. Then, transforming herself from subservient employee to a takecharge military field marshal, she ordered, "The first thing you've got to do is get those discs out of the house. Give them to me and I'll stash them safely at my place."

Polly thought for a moment. "I wouldn't want you to get into trouble. Tim will take them to our safe-deposit box."

Tim nodded. "In the morning, when the bank opens. But in the meantime, what if someone tries to steal them?"

"No one will get past me and Dak. I'm calling her in for backup," Sergeant Sandy replied. "Next, I want a list of all the people on the surveillance tape and anyone who may know about the discs. Everyone is a potential suspect. Finally, I need to watch the DVDs myself."