I'm going home. Wherever that is these days.

Alan Christoffersen's diary

I woke the next morning just a little after sunrise, the first rays of dawn stealing through the blinds, striping the wall across from my bed with amber, horizontal bars. Nicole was sitting next to me. Her blond hair was slightly matted to one side and she was looking at me. "Morning, handsome," she said softly.

I rubbed a hand over my eyes. "Good morning."

"You slept well."

"You've been here the whole night?"

"Every minute of it," she said. "But I wasn't awake the whole night. I fell asleep around one, so I got some rest."

"You didn't need to do that," I said.

"I know. I wanted to."

"Thank you." I looked around the room. "Where's my father?"

"He went back to his hotel. He said he'd check out, then come over here to get you. He'll be here before nine."

"Where's Falene?"

"I don't know. I haven't seen her since she left yesterday afternoon." She brushed a long strand of hair back from her face. "How are you feeling?"

"A little better than yesterday."

"That's encouraging," she said.

It wasn't, of course. The tumor wasn't going away until it was cut out of me.

Nicole reached over the bedrail and lifted the St. Christopher that lay on my chest. "You're still wearing the medallion I gave you."

"I never took it off."

She smiled as she ran her thumb over the token. She looked into my eyes. "Do you ever think about the time we spent together?"

"Of course."

"What do you think about it?"

"That depends on if I'm thinking about Angel or Nicole."

"Angel," she said softly. "I almost forgot about her."

"That's a good thing," I said.

She kissed me on the cheek. "That is a good thing. You saved my life."

"I don't-"

She put a finger on my lips. "You did. I'll never be able to repay you for what you did. And I'll never forget the time we spent together. It was the most loving and beautiful experience of my life." Her eyes began welling up with tears. "And here you are again. If something had happened to you ..." She pulled down the railing, then laid her head on my chest, her eyes meeting mine. "You have to be okay."

I put my hand on her head, my fingers plying through her silky blond hair. "I'm going to be okay. You don't have to worry."

After a moment she raised her head. "Do you remember what you said to me the last time we spoke on the phone?"

I shook my head.

"You promised that I'd see you again. And here we are."

"I hadn't expected it to be quite this soon," I said.

"I'm not complaining." After a moment of silence she said, "The nurse said the doctor would be coming by to see you again before you leave."

"When is that?"

"Your flight's booked for a little after noon. I told them we'd be leaving around ten. Are you glad to be going back with your dad?"

"It will be interesting. It's been more than a decade since I lived at home." I took a deep breath. "I don't know what he's expecting. He made that comment yesterday about rebuilding my life. I wonder if he means now."

"He's just excited to have you home. Why wouldn't he be?" She glanced up at the room's clock. "Would you like me to ask the nurse to bring your breakfast?"

"I'd rather have another catheter put in."

She grinned. "Can I get you something from the cafeteria?"

"Sure. How about waffles or pancakes. Whichever you think looks better. And a side of scrambled eggs."

"Scrambled it is. Anything to drink?"

"Cranberry juice if they have it."

"Pancakes, scrambled eggs, and cranberry juice."

I raked my hair back with my hand. "I'll get dressed while you're gone."

She stood. "I'll hurry."

I watched her as she walked out of the room. I knew she had feelings for me. I just didn't know what to do with them. Nicole was beautiful and sweet and I knew her almost as intimately as I had ever known anyone. I guess that happens when you walk with someone to the edge of their life.

It's an ancient Chinese custom that if you saved someone's life, you were forever responsible for them. I understood that. I suppose, in a way, I felt that way about Nicole. I loved her. But I wasn't in love with her. That's not to say I couldn't be. Maybe I just didn't know. I hadn't yet hung a vacancy sign on my heart.

And then there was Falene. My feelings for Falene were as complex as the changes in my world. Falene was more than beautiful and loyal: she was my one constant-the safe ground in the emotional tsunami in my life.

My feelings for both women were confusing and, perhaps, moot. I still didn't know whether or not I was going to live.

I climbed out of bed and walked to the bathroom. It had been a while since I had looked at myself in the mirror and I looked about as rough as I had expected. My skin was dark with tan and dirt and my jaw was covered with a fresh beard. My hair was long and as tangled as a rat's nest.