I continued. 'To me, this is not a game anymore. I know I said we can just meet casually but actually, I want more. I want you to be my girlfriend and I want to be able to tell it to the whole world.'

She gave a short laugh, but a tear rolled down her cheek. 'I'm sorry, you shouldn't have to see this.'

I gave a crooked smile, not knowing what to say. She looked really cute in my oversized sweater. Like a wrapped teddy bear.

'I will need to have a serious talk with Ryan.' She swallowed. 'I can't be with him anymore. Not after kissing you. But I don't want to make you any promises yet. I have to think this through first.'

'Um, okay.' My insides were all tensed up. I still had no idea where this would leave me with her.

'But you are very sweet.' She continued and squeezed my hand. 'This kiss before was something special. I couldn't stop myself. It was as if a magnetic force pulled me towards you.' I saw something flicker in her eyes. Instantly, the atmosphere in the car changed again and I felt a new desire to kiss her. But we endured the tension and only relived the memory of the kiss we had shared in the rain.

'I wished I knew what to say to convince you here and now that I am the right one for you.' I said.

She smiled weakly.

'Shall I drive you home?' I asked.

She nodded.

When we arrived at her house, we didn't delay saying goodbye for much longer. She kissed me on the cheek. What a setback.

When she was half way to her house she came back and opened my car door.

'I almost forgot your sweater.'

'Keep it. I hope you will personally give it back to me another time.' I managed a smile.

'I'll call you.' She said and left me sitting alone in my car.

I watched her disappear in her house. When the door closed, I exhaled like it seemed for the first time in the last hour and leaned back in my seat. Oh what a night, I shook my head.

Chapter 6.

I waited. It was torture but I trusted Fiona that she would call when she was ready.

On All Saints' Day, I accompanied my mom to visit my dad and my grandparents. I don't like going to the graveyard. I can think of my dad and remember him and my grandparents without having to stand in front of a stone with their names engraved on them. But we're Catholic and my mom somehow still hadn't lost her faith in G.o.d after everything HE put her through.

I waited some more.

'Do you think I should call her?' I asked Eric. We were in gym cla.s.s and the goal was to do as many crunches in three minutes as possible.

'You can never call a girl too much.' He wheezed.

'But she might find it annoying if I call. Or she finds me too attached and chickens out. She said she would call.'

'So, wait. But how long has it been now?' He fell back on the mat.

'4 days.' I said.

'I'd call her tomorrow. She cannot play with you like this.'

I fell back to the ground as well. 'You are right. I'm behaving like a victim here. I can influence her choice.' I tried to put that thought aside for a moment. 'By the way, my mom and I are coming to your premier next week.'

'Great. I know you will be bored but I appreciate that.' He lifted his fist and I pounded it. 'I'll remember you when I win my first Oscar.'

Later that day, I actually thought that I had waited enough and picked up the phone with sweaty hands.

'Hey.' Fiona picked up and I couldn't detect in her voice whether she was happy or bothered.

'Hey, stranger.' I said.

'I'm sorry, that I haven't called yet. It just has been a lot to deal with.' She breathed. 'But it's nice to hear from you.'

'I thought I should remind you that I still exist.'

'How could I forget you?' I detected a smile in her voice. 'Could we perhaps meet? I find it odd to discuss this on the phone.'

Meet? My heart leapt. If she wanted to see me, that could only be a good sign. Half an hour later we met at Milburn Creek Park to go for a walk. When I arrived, she was there already, leaning against her family's car in a green fall coat, hands in the pockets.

'Hi. Good to see you.' I said.

'Yes, thanks for coming.'

We started walking without anybody saying anything further. I started to become nervous again.

'So, what didn't you want to tell me on the phone?' I asked and looked at her.

She stopped walking. 'I broke up with Ryan.'

Yes! My insides jumped.

'Once I was home after our kiss, everything was clear. All I wanted was to run back to you and prolong our time together. I couldn't stay with him. I don't love him.' She made big eyes. 'He was very mad and yelled at me for like an hour. My friends think I'm crazy. Status is everything to them. It was to me as well but you,' she pointed at me, 'you are something else. We can have actual conversations. I feel like I can be myself with you and despite that, you seem to like me.' She laughed shyly.

'Should I be offended, that you kind of just said that being with me is downgrading your status?' I asked.

'I didn't mean it like this. But Ryan is the captain of the football team. Why would I give him up for someone from a different school, I hardly know?' She shrugged.

'To be with somebody who cares about you?' I stated.

'Mh, good point.' She swallowed. 'So, what now?'

'Now, you need to give me your hands.' I held out my hands.

She put hers into mine with questioning eyes.

This simple touch made me dizzy for a moment. I brought her hands together and kissed them. 'I needed something to hold on to, to convince myself that I am not dreaming. I could skip along the path.' I pulled her a few steps and she laughed.

'Does this mean, I get to call you my girlfriend now and I can take you on dates whenever I want?'

'I guess so.' She bit her lower lip.

'We need something to make this official. To have a clean start after all this confusion.' I said.

'Like what?' She asked, still holding my hand.

'Like carving a heart with our initials in the tree for example.' I suggested.

'Poor tree.' Her eyes turned to the right corner as she thought about another possibility. 'I have a small padlock in my car to use for my sports locker. We could carve into that and hang it up somewhere.'

'Good idea.' We walked back to the car, hand in hand and then I carved an F and a + onto the lock with my car key and she added a K.

'Kind of cheesy.' I said.

'But also very romantic.' She laughed. 'Where shall we put it?'

'How about right at the start of this trail. Here is the first time we've talked to each other.'

We clipped it to a fence.

'What do we do with the key?' She asked.

'I guess we throw it in the bin. I hope we won't need to open it anymore.'

Her eyes sparkled. 'Okay.' She dropped the key into the garbage. I smiled and lifted her up and once her feet were back on the ground I brought my mouth closer to hers and I felt free and invincible when I kissed her.

'I'm glad you needed something to drink that day.' She said, her face flushed.

'Glad is an understatement. I don't think I've ever been so happy in my life.'

As an answer, she kissed me again.

Chapter 7.

Our relationship didn't fade out over the months like other High School romances but it became deeper and more familiar.

In our spare time next to school and x-country practice we were practically inseparable. When I once preferred going jogging by myself to sort out my thoughts, I now missed something if I didn't hear the steady breathing of Fiona next to me. The same thing happened with trips to the mall. Before, the only stores I was interested in were the ones with sports and outdoor equipment and of course music. So, I was in and out of these ugly buildings like a bat out of h.e.l.l. Now, I could spend a whole day, strolling from one shop to the other, watching Fiona's eyes beam when she spotted something she liked and it made me feel proud and manly when I apparently said the right thing to her after she came out of the changing room. No matter what I did, doing it with Fiona by my side, it was simply so much more colorful and a lot more fun.

With Fiona, everything seemed natural and in the ways she looked at me, snuggled into my arms and told me every little detail of her day, I knew that she trusted me just as much as I trusted her.

This trust was probably the reason why also the s.e.xual part of our relationship was better than anything I had ever experienced. We both had had our first times with someone else and that was okay. Therefore, we didn't make a big fuss about our first time together. Or we pretended not to, because I can a.s.sure you, I was more nervous than ever when I realized that it would come to it.

We were watching a movie on my bed. She was leaning against me, her fingers wandering over my chest in an agreeable rhythm. Unfortunately, this scene then got disturbed by the vibration of my phone in my pocket. I sat up so that I could check who it was. Eric who else? Fiona paused the film and I picked up. He asked whether we also wanted to grab a bite. Exchanging a glance with Fiona I saw that she wasn't averse to taking up the film at a later point and so I told him that we'd be there in half an hour.

'Just give me 5 minutes, I want to take a shower before we leave.' I kissed her on her forehead.

When I got back in the room, rubbing my hair dry with a towel, Fiona watched me with a curious look on her face. Also, it confused me that she was chewing her lower lip.

'What?' I stopped rubbing my hair.

Slowly, her long legs felt the floor and she got out of bed. As if she had all the time in the world, she approached me.

'How about, we let Eric and Lea wait a little?' A nervous smile flickered over her mouth.

I felt the atmosphere in the room changing. It suddenly felt about 50 degrees hotter. Did she seriously just suggest what I think she did? She paused, and I felt urged to make the next move. It was as if the air became too thick to breathe. I swallowed and took a step closer to her, dropping the towel to the floor. My heart was racing and I couldn't explain myself why. I had done this before hadn't I? But I've never felt so excited about it. I actually had to control myself not to explode right then and there. I pulled her towards me and twirled her hair in my fingers. She lay her hands on my waist. They felt refreshingly cold. The kisses that followed were different from how we had kissed before. More intimate. It was as if we were expressing through our kisses what we hadn't dared to put into words yet. I'd never have thought that slowly undressing each other could be so s.e.xy. Fiona in all her nudity was even prettier than with clothes on although I hardly thought that possible. What I could understand the least was, that she looked embarra.s.sed for a moment. How could anyone with such a perfect body be self-conscious about herself?

I got a condom out of my desk drawer and once that was on, I started kissing her again and gently forced her back on the bed, my body rubbing against hers. She felt hot and the desire of feeling her from the inside rose sky high. I kissed her neck and she slightly moaned, which almost made me lose my control. I kissed her more firmly while carefully pushing inside her, taking both our breaths away.

What came afterward was better than I could have dreamed. When I came, my whole body was shaking. She wrapped her legs around my body, hugging me close to her and kissed my flushed cheek.

So that was the difference between making love and having s.e.x. I really liked the difference.

Even half an hour later, my breathing still hadn't returned back to normal. We lay, still naked, under the sheets, our feet entangled. Fiona's head was at the height of my shoulder and her breath on my neck sent pleasant shivers down my spine.

'Laying here with you is wonderful.' I said.

'Mhh.' She answered dreamlike.

'I can't even say if the actual act although it was great - was better than simply holding you and feeling you close to me now.' I swallowed. 'I've never felt so comfortable with a woman.' I wanted to prolong this moment of bliss, shared in secrecy.

'I love you'. She whispered in my ear.

As soon as she said it, I knew that I had wanted to say it to her all along. 'I love you, too.' I whispered back and kissed her again. This was the first time in my life I had said this to someone other than my mom. It freed something inside me. I felt my heart expanding in my chest like a big balloon, pushing euphoria into every corner of my body. Telling Fiona that I loved her felt so right, so natural as if she was destined to be the one to hear these words from me. You might think that this is silly but at that moment, I knew that she was the person I wanted to say 'I love you' to for the rest of my life.

At some point, I remembered that we were supposed to go out for dinner. I waived that thought away. I was sure that Eric would understand.

Chapter 8.

The days turned shorter and colder. It even snowed twice in December.

The night of the first real snow Fiona spent at my place. If it went after my mom's or her parent's wishful thinking I probably wouldn't have known what it was like to sleep next to Fiona until we were married. That only raised the excitement in sneaking behind their backs. Sometimes, my mom would go out with friends or have a yoga cla.s.s and come back after my bedtime. Luckily, she had long stopped checking up on me when she got back late, since it would be an invitation for Brownie to dart into my room and wake me for which my mom and he would earn angry groans. Therefore, she usually wished me good night before she left and once she was gone, the path was cleared for Fiona to arrive. She told her parents that she had a sleepover at one of her friend's houses. The car she parked a few roads down and we'd hide her shoes and jacket in my room so that we could spend the night together in my childhood bed.