'G.o.d no! I've saved money, I can pay for you myself.' 'I'm rather expensive for a high school student.'

'I know that. I've talked to your secretary. I've figured it all out. I've saved all my baby-sitting money. I've done computer stuff for some of the kids at school. I'm not coping with my parents, and because you know them you'll be able to tell where I'm seeing things on a slant.'

'What kinds of things?'

'Are you going to take me on?'

'We'll give it a try. We won't start today. Next week at the same time.. How are you going to get home?'

'From here? I'll take the subway and then walk. You're only a few blocks from my school. It's easy.'

She left Dr. Rowan's office and headed west to the subway. As she neared the entrance a young man came out of the shadows and grabbed at her backpack. She jerked away. Screamed. She thought she saw a knife. A policeman came running up the subway steps and the young man turned and ran.

It all happened quickly. The policeman explained that the thief had probably been going to cut her backpack straps. He was not an expert. Clumsy.

She told the policeman that she could not identify her a.s.sailant. He looked like any young man out to get money for drugs. But she was shuddering with terror.

She felt violated. The policeman used his walkie-talkie and a squad car pulled Madeleine L'Engle,54 'All right, all right already, you'll get it. Why didn't you tell me about Mac Xanthakos?'

'Why should I?V 'He's Frank's best friend.'

'So I discovered tonight.' Camilla sat on Nan's bed, pulled a stuffed lion onto her lap.

'So what did you and Mac do?V 'We work with the kids, feed them and talk with them.' 'Talk is not what I'm talking about. How much did you two make out? How far did you go?'

Camilla's cheeks burned. 'It is none of your business.' Her words were sharp and separate.'I know you've been brought up to believe that nice girls don't-though how, with your mother's example-'

'Luisa, shut up!'

'Oh, Christ, sorry, I went too far, but I'm worried about you, I love you, and I.

don't want you hurt.'

'I can take care of myself.'

'Can you? I suppose those nuns taught you all about virginity, but this is not the nineteenth century.'

'I know what century it is'-Camilla was fierce-'and I can promise you that my standards are my own, and not my mother's or the nuns'. Don't you have any faith in my intelligence?'

'Your intelligence, sure, but intelligence is not what I'm talking about. Did you have to lie about being in the library?' 'Self-defense.'

'Gee, thanks for your confidence. Listen, Camilla, take my advice. Don't get in too deep with Mac. Don't let him get in.' 'Does that have a double meaning?'

'If you want it to. Gawd, this is worse than I thought. Mac Xanthakos is likable, I grant you that, and bright, but he's Greek, and he's unreliable.'

'I didn't know that was a Greek characteristic.'

'Will you stop for a minute and listen? I know Mac, and I know he has a weak-'

Camilla cut her off. 'You and Mac are really abrasive, aren't you?'

'It's stupid, plain stupid, to get involved with a priest or anybody who's got religion. They're intolerant and hypocritical and-'

'Hey, wait a minute. Frank's not like that, is he?V 'No, but-'

'And neither is Mac.'

Luisa reached for two mugs on the shelf above her desk. Plugged in a hot plate on which a pan of water waited. 'Why couldn't you have fallen for a Taoist and done yoga?'

'Taoism and yoga are not the same thing. Here.' Camilla handed Luisa a box of instant cocoa.

Luisa changed her tack. 'I never thought I'd see you teaching Sunday school.'

'It's hardly Sunday school. We feed the kids and let them talk about whatever's on their minds.'

'And you and Mac put it in a Christian context?' Sharp Luisa. Those were Mac's words. 'If you like.' 'And you buy it, because you've fallen for Mac.'

No. Mac had in no way proselytized, tried to convert Camilla, get her to go to church or even ask her what, if anything, she believed. When they were together on Sunday evenings he answered the kids' questions forthrightly, including Camilla in his responses, but not singling her out. Mostly she liked what he said, though it was less in the forefront of her mind than her visceral response to the dark-haired young man and his loving enthusiasm.

'Mac, what about power?' Noelle Grange had asked him. Noelle Grange: Professor Grange's daughter.

'What about it?' Mac was twirling spaghetti around his fork.

,Was Lord Acton right? Does it corrupt?V 'Sure,' Mac had said. 'Look at any history book.'Madeleine L'Engle,56 'Is s.e.x power?'

Camilla looked at the girl, her pale face intense, her rather stringy brown hair pulled back with a barrette. Did she suspect something about her father and Rose d.i.c.kinson? No. No.

Mac answered her question. 'It can be. It shouldn't, but it can be.'

The students had finished eating. Some of them were sc.r.a.ping leftover spaghetti into the garbage can, throwing out paper plates.

'What about Jesus?' someone else asked. 'Was he hooked on power?V 'No. He turned power upside down,' Mac said. 'He was powerful because he rejected power.'

's.e.x,' Noelle persisted. 'It has a lot of power, doesn't it?V 'Like a river,'

Mac said. 'If there are no banks, there is no river.'

'You sound like my brother, Andrew,' Noelle said. 'Except he's doing pre-med at Princeton, not theology. But he'd agree with you.'

So did Camilla; she liked what Mac said. She did not think Luisa would agree with it, but Luisa loved to disagree. Luisa disagreed.

Luisa smashed.

Luisa handed Camilla a mug of hot cocoa. She took it, murmuring, 'Thanks.'

'What love .can do! If he was a Taoist or a Mormon or a Buddhist you'd take that on with equal devotion.'

Camilla sipped the cocoa, almost burning her tongue. There was truth in Luisa's gibe. As long as what Mac believed did not conflict with Camilla's understanding of the universe and nothing had-she was willing to accept it because she accepted Mac. All of him. The slightly smoky smell of his tweed jacket, not cigarette smoke, but a woodsy aroma; the way his silky dark eyebrows almost met in the middle; his A Live Coal in the Sea57 long, strong fingers, the nails clean and tidy. His lips, warm, searching 'Want a marshmallow?' Luisa asked.

Her interior description of Mac had been right out of a romance novel. Her lips twitched. 'No, thanks.'

'Mac certainly got uptight when I said he and Frank met in Korea. The Korean War was s.h.i.t, and people did s.h.i.tty things.'

Turning her mind from Mac's body, she asked, 'Isn't that a rather broad statement?V 'Sure, I'm famous for broad statements, broad that I am. You still have your head in the stars. Korea's down in h.e.l.l, and that's where Frank and Mac met.'

Camilla took a long drink from the hot mug. 'Cocoa's good on a cold spring night. I like that thing Nan's playing.' 'She'd better quit.' Luisa looked at her watch. 'Nearly eleven.'

'She always stops at eleven. I wouldn't mind if she didn't. She'd play me to sleep.'

'Not with some of the modern stuff. It'd give you nightmares.'

Camilla put her mug down. 'Say good night to Nan for me. I have to study.'

Back in her room, she could not concentrate. The conversation with Luisa had told her nothing about Mac that she had wanted to know.

But something had happened, something had been broken, and she did not know what, or why.

Mac was waiting for her Monday afternoon after Professor Grange's cla.s.s. He smiled at her, reached for her hand. Said, 'The weather's lousy. Let's go right to the Church House. I've made coffee.' It was all as usual, and yet it wasn't.

Madeleine L'Engle58 When she was seated in her regular chair, a mug of coffee in her hands, he said, 'I have something to tell you.'

She looked at him. Waiting.

He reached in his jacket pocket and pulled out a letter on official-looking paper. 'This is an invitation for me to go back to Kenya, something I've really wanted to do.'

She waited.

'Camilla, this may seem strange to you, and maybe abrupt, but I'm going tomorrow.'

She gasped. 'To Kenya?'

'No, home to Nashville. I need to be with my parents for a while before I leave, and I have to have some shots, typhoid, malaria, and so forth. This is a really terrific opportunity, one I can't afford to skip. My boss says, Go for it. I'll write you. Send you postcards of some of the wild animals.'

'If it's what you need to do-' she said faintly. Then, clearing her throat, getting her voice back, she asked, 'Did I do something wrong?'

'You? Of course not. You're the best thing that's happened to me since-2 'But-'

He was urgent. 'Camilla, a chance like this comes once in a lifetime. I have to take it.'

'Yes. Sure. Thanks for the coffee.' She rose.

'Will you come see me off!' Mac asked. 'I'm taking the ten-forty train to New York. Do you have a cla.s.s then?'

A survey of French literature. With Luisa. She did not want to see Luisa.

'It's okay. I can cut it.'

Why why why?

Why was he leaving so unexpectedly? What had she done? Had she thrown herself at him too obviously? Had she come on too heavy? Had he felt smothered? Then why did he want her to see him off! It didn't add up.

A Live Coal in the Sea.>59 'Is something wrong, Cam?' Luisa asked at dinner. 'You look pale as a ghost.'

'I think maybe I'm getting that flu bug that's around. If you'll all excuse me, I'm going up to bed.' She put her hand over her mouth and left the dining room.

A few minutes later, when she felt a presence in her room, she kept her eyes closed and the covers over her head and feigned sleep. As she heard the footsteps leaving, she opened one eye. It was Nan, not Luisa. But she did not want anybody's sympathy, anybody's concern.

She skipped breakfast, but left the house in plenty of time to be at the train station at ten. He was standing there with two battered-looking cases. He reached out for her hands, but not her lips. He did not pull her close to him.

Their bodies were separated by all the miles between the college and Kenya.

When the train came he swung up the steep step to the car and stood, looking down at her. She waved him off, as she had so often waved her mother off.And then he was gone.

She could not avoid Luisa forever. Luisa caught up with her after dinner as she was on her way to the library.

'Cam, you okay?'

'Sure. Maybe I still have a little fever from that bug...' 'Where's Mac?'

'He had this terrific opportunity to go back to Kenya.' 'G.o.d, Cam, I'm sorry, but you had to know, sooner or later, it's a pattern. Whenever anything gets heavy he splits. I told you he had a weak-'

Camilla's voice was cold as ice. 'That's enough. Leave me alone.' She shoved past Luisa and went down the path to the library. It was frigid. She slipped on a frozen puddle and nearly fell.

Madeleine L'Engle60 It was six weeks before she heard from him, a long, informative letter. She read it quickly, gulping it, then going over it slowly. It was not a love letter, even though he did sign it Love, Mac.

At least he wrote. And she answered. And played the "Dumky" Trio and wept.

One day when she was walking to the music building to listen to Nan play, she heard footsteps thudding behind her and there was Noelle Grange, panting, her hair covered by a woolen cap, a matching woolen scarf wound about her neck.

'Hey, Camilla, wait up!'

She stopped.

'Where're you and Mac? Why aren't you at the Church House on Sunday? Did he have to go back to seminary or something?'

'Or something.'

Noelle wailed. 'He could at least have said goodbye!' Camilla said, 'It all happened sort of suddenly.'

'We don't like that creep who's taken his place. Why aren't you coming anymore?'

Camilla looked into Noelle's troubled hazel eyes, dropped her gaze. 'I was there to help Mae.'

'Well, it's lousy. Half the kids don't come anymore on Sunday nights. I only go because Andrew says I should.' 'Andrew?' Her mind was on Mac, not Noelle.

'My older brother. I s'pose he's right. He usually is. But I miss you. I wish you'd come back.'

'Thanks, Noelle. I miss all of you, too, but my course load is extra-heavy...'