"She's had a lousy deal, too, but she doesn't go around taking potshots at people. Sometimes I think she's crazy to stick with Dad, but she loves the b.a.s.t.a.r.d. That's what he is, isn't he? A b.a.s.t.a.r.d. Born out of wedlock to a woman who was a cla.s.sy wh.o.r.e."

"Hold it, Raffi. I knew the lady. It's not as easy as that." "No? From all I can gather, she was so beautiful she thought it gave her an excuse to do anything she wanted to do, and what she wanted was s.e.x."

"Surely your grandmother did not give you this impres an How many kids get mad at changelings, switched in the sion.

19.Raffi said reluctantly, "No."

Madeleine L'Engle280 A Live Coal in the Sea,281"Who, then?"

"Oh, you can guess."

"We're all a marvelous mix, you know that, Raffi. Perhaps your father has a need to believe what he believes. But how about a little mercy?"

"Mercy? You mean, no matter what anybody does, we have to have mercy?"

"Mercy and permissiveness are not the same thing." Raffi got up and walked restlessly about the office. "This woman who was my grandmother's mother was also my father's mother. .."

"Yes." "Weird." "You might call it that." "You knew her?"

"When I was young, yes. She had great charm." "Like my dad. Did she take potshots at people?" "No.

"This Red Grange. Did you know him, too?"

"Slightly. I didn't take any of his cla.s.ses. But your grandmother did."

"G.o.d, the generations are all mixed up, aren't they?" "Yes. It used to be less uncommon when people had large families, ten or twelve children."

"Why didn't Grandmother have any more children of her own?"

71.When Camilla suspected that she -was pregnant again she said nothing, not even to Mac, not until she had been to the doctor to have the pregnancy confirmed, not until she was past the first trimester.

Mac was ecstatic. Asked, "Shall we tell the children?" "We'll have to, sooner or later. Let's wait till I begin to show."

Madeleine L'Engle282 Taxi and Frankie were nearly thirteen. Life had settled into a reasonable routine. Mac's book had been published and well received in the academic world, and he was working on another. Camilla continued to teach, wrote a book on astronomy for children, which Frankie ill.u.s.trated in a charming, childish way, and which was a surprise success. Taxi was still restless, but took some of his energy out in running, was on the junior track team at school, and continued to be the lead soloist in the choir. He still demanded what, in another child, would have been inordinate displays of affection, of rea.s.surance.

When,they told the children about the new baby they were met with even more than the expected delight. Both Frankie and Taxi leapt from the dinner table, flung their arms about each other, and danced wildly around the dining room, leaping and squealing with joy, until finally Mac told them to sit back down and finish their dinner.

But at bedtime Taxi asked, 'Mom, do we really need a baby? Aren't Frankie and I.

enough?'

'Of course you're enough, darling. That isn't what it's about. We thought you and Frankie would enjoy a little brother or sister.'

'I s'pose. It'll be like a doll for Frankie. Girls like dolls.' 'And boys?

I'll be counting on you to protect the baby.' 'Well, of course. I guess you want this baby, Mom?' 'Yes, Taxi, we all do.'

When she went to Frankie's room to say good night, Frankie had her sketchbook out and was making pencil drawings of babies. 'I suppose Taxi and I lookedlike that once upon a time?V 'And not so long ago,' Camilla said. 'Will Taxi and I get to see it born?'

'Not the actual birth, but certainly right after.'

'I thought families used to be all around when babies were born, and now it's coming back again.'

A Live Coal in the Sea,283 'Even in the olden days,' Camilla said, 'the mother needed to be alone with the midwife during the birth, and then the family came in after.'

'And everybody boiled water,' Frankie said. 'What was the water for?'

Camilla laughed. 'Probably to keep people busy and out of the way.'

She called Luisa.

'That's terrific. You're still plenty young enough.' 'Plenty.'

'Just don't overdo, especially in the first months.'

'Lu, I'm already into my fifth month. I didn't want to say anything until I was sure this babe was settled in.!

'You feel okay?' 'I'm fine.'

'Just don't lug heavy loads.'

'Lu, stop hovering. I'm not going to carry anything heavier than laundry.'

The laundry machines were in the bas.e.m.e.nt of their building, and the easiest way to get to them from their apartment was out the front door, down a short flight of stone steps, and then into the bas.e.m.e.nt. She said goodbye to Luisa and picked up a load of sheets, stepped on one of Taxi's roller skates, and fell down the stairs.

Olivia flew up from Florida, arriving shortly after Mac brought Camilla home from the hospital. Taxi was white and silent. Frankie took her watercolors and painted a dark, stormy landscape with small, fleeing figures. It was a long time since she had painted that way.

'Why was Taxi's skate there?' Mac asked angrily.

Olivia sat beside them on the bed. 'It was an accident.

Madeleine L'Engle,.884 Careless and stupid, but then, most teenagers are careless and stupid.'

Noelle called, one of her chatty reachings-out to Camilla. She had not heard of the miscarriage. Her mind was on little Ferris, one of the twins, and his jealousy of his baby sister. 'Amy seems fine about it. She'd play dolly with the baby all day if I let her. Little Ferris asked me what would happen if I stopped nursing the baby,' Noelle said, 'and I told him she'd get hungry and start crying and I'd have to nurse her again. Then he asked me what would happen if I.

stopped nursing her entirely, if she just didn't get fed. I told him she'd cry and be hungry and starve. Starve to death? he asked. And I said, Probably.

And he said, Mom, stop nursing her. I suppose it's a cla.s.sic case of sibling rivalry, but it turned my blood cold.'

"You didn't have any siblings either, did you, Grandmother?" Raffi asked.

"You were an only, like me, weren't you?" "Yes," Camilla said, without realizingthat this was not entirely true until the word was out of her mouth.

"When Dad and Aunt Frankie were little, did they get along?"

Camilla replied, "They were like puppies. Enchanting. Later, when they were moving into p.u.b.erty, your father was busy with choir. In the spring he was on the track team. And Frankie had a bevy of little girlfriends, when she wasn't drawing or painting. She and Taxi got along well together, but they weren't inseparable as they were when they were little, and that was as it should be, each of them finding separate ways. Then, when they were thirteen, Papa died.

He had pancreatic cancer and it was mercifully quick. Less than a month before he died, we went down to the beach to spend a week with them, and it was beautiful."

A Live Coal in the Sea285 "Beautiful? When Papa was dying of pancreatic cancer? It's one of the worst."

Raffi looked and sounded disbelieving. "Beautiful," Camilla repeated. "Papa was beautiful and loving in saying goodbye. We never knew how much pain he hid from us, but I saw nothing but serenity in his face and eyes. He and Mac had long, quiet times together. Taxi and Frankie each had their time alone with him.

When it was my turn I simply sat by the bed and held his hand and told him how much I.

loved and honored him, and he called me his beloved daughter, and told me that death could not take away our love, and that he would be with me always." For a moment her voice trembled. "Then we went back to New York and he and Mama had their last weeks together."

"Beautiful-" Raffi's voice still questioned.

"Yes, it was beautiful, Raffi. Terrible, but beautiful. Papa had lived a long, full life, and he had come to terms with more than most people can begin to imagine. He was able to be merciful to himself, and to teach us to be merciful, too. He believed that G.o.d's redeeming love can come into the most terrible things, and while I do not have the kind of radiant faith that Papa had, I believed him."

They were all in the Cathedral in Jacksonville for the funeral. The great s.p.a.ce was crowded. Extra chairs were brought in. People stood outside on the steps.

Love and grief filled the air. Camilla might have been able to hold back her tears had it not been for the people around her, wiping their eyes, blowing their noses. She felt the sobs rolling through her body like the waves on the beach, sobs of grief, and of grat.i.tude for all that Art had given her.

Taxi was clinging to Camilla's hand. Frankie stood solemnly beside Olivia, the two of them stiff, dry-eyed, containing their anguish deep inside them.

After the service and the interment they would go to the Madeleine L'Engle286 beach house, where Art and Olivia had been living year round. Camilla looked at Mac in his vestments, his face disciplined, unreadable, his voice calm. She was thinking, pleading: -Mac don't go now, don't retreat from this, don't flee.

It would be too much for the children. For Taxi. Stay with us. Stay. Mama isn't strong enough to hold you right now. She needs you.The words 'continued, as close to prayer as she could get in her grief and fear.

Mac wanted Olivia to come back to New York with them. 'No, my darling. I do not wish to be a guest in anybody's house.'

'Mama! You wouldn't be a guest!'

'I need my own home, Mac, and I couldn't take the cold weather. I'll come visit you. You will come visit me. But I need to be here, where Art and I have been deeply happy.'

The night after they returned to the seminary Taxi confronted Camilla and Mac in their bedroom after he knew Frankie was asleep. 'You are my ;parents. I don't want you to mention anything else to anybody else. Ever.'

Mac said, 'Taxi, there's nothing to be ashamed of.'

'I'm not ashamed,' Taxi shouted. 'Somebody told Frankie she was going to miss her grandfather. Then he said to me, You'll miss him, too, as though I didn't belong. Frankie said, We'll both miss our grandfather, and the man just gave us a silly sort of smile.'

'He didn't mean to be unkind,' Mac started.

Taxi broke in. 'I'm named after Papa. After my grandfather. I'm Artaxias Xanthakos, that's who I am. I'm Taxi Xanthakos. Aren't I?'- Camilla a.s.sured, 'Of course you are.' 'And you're my mom.'

A Live Coal in the Sea 287.

'I am.'

'Not that Harriet, who made me call her Mommy.' 'Taxi, she wanted you to love her.'

'But she didn't love me. She wasn't my mother. And neither was that old woman I.

never knew.'

Camilla said, 'Taxi, if your mother hadn't died-? 'Not my mother! Not my mother!'

Camilla continued, her voice steady, gentle. 'If she hadn't died, she would have loved you with all her heart.'

'But she didn't. She died, and she didn't.'

(Luisa had said, 'To a child, death is a terrible betrayal.') 'And suppose-suppose-'

'What, TaxiYV 'If she hadn't died, what about Red? That's what he wanted me to call him.

Red.

Not Daddy. Red. He wasn't my father. He was only Red. If she-that old woman-that Rose-if she hadn't died, would he ever have known?'

Mac said, 'Probably not.'

'But she did die!' Taxi said. 'Don't talk about her! Don't ever talk about her again!'

'Taxi, darling,' Camilla said. 'She was our mother.' Taxi's voice rose in a high wail. 'No, Mommy, no! You are my mother, my own mommy mother!'

Mac said, 'Calm down, Taxi, it's all right.' What's all right?

Luisa asked, "Are you all right, Raffi?"

Raffi blew her nose, tossed the tissue into the basket. "I'm not sure about all right, but I think I know why Dad's in such a tiz and hitting out at everybody."Luisa waited while Raffi blew her nose again.

"One of the women in Dad's show called Mom. It seems there's a rumor that Dad's contract is not going to be renewed." "Surely that's no more than a rumor!

He's immensely popular."

Madeleine L'Engle288 "Too popular, maybe? It seems that the producer's girlfriend, or maybe his boyfriend, I forget which, is in a bit part and is jealous of Taxi, and has the producer's ear."

"Sounds like nasty gossip to me,"

"In the theatre, nasty gossip is often true." "Has your father said anything about this?"

"No. He just looks like a thundercloud and nothing anybody does pleases him.

It makes sense, Dr. Rowan. He's used to being a star and making pots of money, and if that should evaporate-"

"He has a good agent, doesn't he?"

"Yeah, but I don't think an agent can get his contract renewed if the producer doesn't want to renew it. Dad's used to living high. Our apartment's expensive.

Mom certainly couldn't go back to dancing at this point."

"Don't borrow trouble, Raf"

"Okay, maybe to some extent I'm doing that. But it would explain a lot, wouldn't it? Why he played that silly record, why he's hurting the people he loves most, even if he hurts himself at the same time."

"Yes." Luisa rolled a pencil slowly between her fingers. "It would explain a lot. Let's hope the rumor is unfounded." "On the other hand," Raffi said, reaching for another tissue, "I'm learning things I think I should have known about long ago."