A Lecture On Heads.

by Geo. Alex. Stevens.

ADDRESS TO THE PUBLIC.

There having been several pirated editions published of this Lecture, it is necessary to describe their nature, and to explain the manner in which they were obtained; from which the public will judge, how much they have been imposed upon by the different publishers.

When the Lecture was first exhibited, a very paltry abridgment was published by a bookseller in the city. This edition was so different from the original delivered by Mr. Stevens, that he thought it too contemptible to affect his interest, which alone prevented him from commencing any legal process against the {VI}publisher for thus trespa.s.sing on his right and property.

Mr. Stevens, having exhibited his Lecture with most extraordinary success in London, afterwards delivered it, with a continuance of that success, in almost every princ.i.p.al town in England and Ireland. During this itinerant stage of its exhibition, it had received great additions and improvements from the hints and suggestions of Churchill, Howard, Shuter, and many other wits, satirists, and humourists, of that day. It therefore re-appeared again in London almost a new performance. This, I suppose, induced another bookseller in the Strand to publish his edition, with notes, written by a Reverend Gentleman: however this might be, Mr. Stevens obtained an injunction against the continuance of that publication; he was dissuaded from proceeding to trial by the interposition of friends, who persuaded the litigants, over a bottle, to terminate their difference; Mr. Stevens withdrew his action, and the publication was suppressed. I relate this circ.u.mstance from {VII}the authority of Mr. Stevens himself. The public will, no doubt, be surprised to find that this Lecture should ever have been pirated, by one who is now complaining of a similar act against himself. I am no advocate for any infringements of right or property; but I cannot avoid thinking, that complaints of this nature come with a very ill grace from those who have committed the same species of literary depredations themselves. The last piratical publication of this Lecture was by a stationer in Paternoster-Row, who has had the a.s.surance to use my name without having my authority, or even asking my permission. He likewise very falsely and impudently a.s.serts, that he has published it as I spoke it at Covent-Garden theatre. It is so much the contrary, that it contains not a syllable of the new matter with which it was then augmented. With respect to the rest, it is taken from the spurious and very imperfect abridgment first mentioned in this piratical list. It is, therefore, evident, that the original Lecture was never before published until this opportunity {VIII}which I have taken of thus submitting it to the Public, for their approbation and patronage, whose

Most humble and devoted servant

I am,

CHARLES LEE LEWES.

July 22, 1785.

PROLOGUE,

Written By Mr. Pilon Spoken At The Theatre Royal, Covent-Garden, June 24, 1780.

All's safe here, I find, though the rabble rout A few doors lower burnt the quorum out.

Sad times, when Bow-street is the scene of riot, And justice cannot keep the parish quiet.

But peace returning, like the dove appears, And this a.s.sociation stills my fears; Humour and wit the frolic wing may spread, And we give harmless Lectures on the Head.

Watchmen in sleep may be as snug as foxes, And snore away the hours within their boxes; Nor more affright the neighbourhood with warning, Of past twelve o'clock, a troublesome morning.

Mynheer demanded, at the general shock, "Is the Bank safe, or has it lower'd the stock?"

"Begar," a Frenchman cried, "the Bank we'll rob, "For I have got the purse to bribe the mob."-- "Hoot awa, mon!" the loyal Scot replies, "You'll lose your money, for we'll hong the spies: "Fra justice now, my lad, ye shanna budge, "Tho' ye've attack'd the justice and the judge."-- "Oh! hold him fast," says Paddy, "for I'll swear "I saw the iron rails in Bloomsbury-square "Burnt down to the ground, and heard the mob say, "They'd burn down the Thames the very next day."

Tumult and riot thus on every side Swept off fair order like the raging tide; Law was no more, for, as the throng rush'd by, "Woe to my Lord Chief Justice!" was the cry.

And he, rever'd by every muse so long, Whom tuneful Pope immortaliz'd in song, Than whom bright genius boasts no higher name, Ev'n he could find no sanctuary in fame; With brutal rage the Vandals all conspire, And rolls of science in one blaze expire.

But England, like the lion, grows more fierce As dangers multiply, and foes increase; Her gen'rous sons, with Roman ardour warm, In martial bands to shield their country arm, And when we trembled for the city's fate, Her youth stood forth the champions of the state; Like brothers, leagu'd by nature's holy tie, A parent land to save, or bravely die.

Did Britons thus, like brothers, always join, In vain to crush them would the world combine; Discord domestic would no more be known, And brothers learn affection from the throne.

But know your Lecturer's awful hour is come When you must bid him live, or seal his doom!

He knows 'tis hard a leader's post to fill Of fame superior, and more ripen'd skill.

The blame will all be mine, if troops should fail, Who'd lose their heads, but never could turn tail Who no commander ever disobey'd, Or overlook'd the signals which he made.

Under your auspices the field I take, For a young general some allowance make; But if disgracefully my army's led, Let this court-martial then cashier my head.

ADDITIONAL LINES TO THE PROLOGUE,

Spoken At Newbury,

In Consequence Of Lady Craven Bespeaking The Lecture,

Who Had Published Some Lines On Dreaming She Saw Her Heart At Her Feet.

Written By Mr. Pratt.

'MIDST scenes like these, for so her lines impart, The Queen of Benham lost that gem her heart; Scar'd by the din, her bosom treasure flew, And with it every grace and muse withdrew.

But far, or long, the wanderer could not roam, For wit and taste soon brought the truant home!

One tuneful sonnet at her feet it sung, Then to her breast, its snowy mansion, sprung; Thither it went, the virtues in its train, To hail the panting blessing back again.

On its fair throne it now appears as Queen, And sheds its l.u.s.tre o'er this humble scene; Its radiant sceptre deigns o'er me to spread The genial beams which fancy feign'd were fled.

Ah, no! her gentle heart this night is here; Where'er 'tis wanted-you will find it there: In vain the Muse shall fix it on the floor, It knocks this ev'ning at the Lecturer's door, And smiles, with him, that riot is no more.

LECTURE ON HEADS.

PART I.

{1}Every single speaker, who, like me, attempts to entertain an audience, has not only the censure of that a.s.sembly to dread, but also every part of his own behaviour to fear. The smallest error of voice, judgment, or delivery, will be noted: "All that can be presumed upon in his favour is, _a hope_ that he may meet with that indulgence which an English audience are so remarkable _for_, and that every exhibition stands so much in need _of_."

This method of lecturing is a very ancient custom; Juno, the wife of Jupiter, being the first who gave her husband a lecture, and, from the place wherein that oration was supposed to have been delivered, they have always, since that time, been called _curtain lectures_.

{2}But, before I pretend to make free with other people's heads, it may be proper to say something upon my own, if upon my own any thing could be said to the purpose; but, after many experiments, finding I could not make any thing of my own, I have taken the liberty to try what I could do by exhibiting a Collection of Heads belonging to other people. But here is a head [shews Stevens''s head] I confess I have more than once wished on my own shoulders: but I fear my poor abilities will bring a blush into its cheeks. In this head Genius erected a temple to Originality, where Fancy and Observation resided; and from their union sprang this numerous and whimsical progeny. This is the head of George Alexander Stevens, long known and long respected; a man universally acknowledged of infinite wit and most excellent fancy; one who gave peculiar grace to the jest, and could set the table in a roar with flashes of merriment: but wit and humour were not his only excellencies; he possessed a keenness of satire, that made Folly hide her head in the highest places, and Vice tremble in the bosoms of the great: but now, blessed with that affluence which genius and prudence are sure to acquire in England, the liberal patroness of the fine arts, he now enjoys that ease his talents {3}have earned, whilst Fame, like an evening sun, gilds the winter of his life with mild, but cheerful beams.

With respect, but honest ambition, I have undertaken to fill his place, and hope my attention and zeal to please, will speak in behalf of conscious inferiority.

A HEAD, to speak in the gardener's style, is a mere _bulbous excrescence_, growing out from between the shoulders like a wen; it is supposed to be a mere expletive, just to wear a hat on, to fill up the hollow of a wig, to take snuff with, or have your hair dressed upon.

Some of these heads are manufactured in _wood_, some in _pasteboard_; which is a hint to shew there may not only be _block-heads_, but also _paper-skulls_.

{4}Physicians acquaint us that, upon any fright or alarm, the spirits fly up into the _head_, and the blood rushes violently back to the _heart_. Hence it is, politicians compare the human const.i.tution and the nation's const.i.tution together: they supposing the head to be the _court_ end of the town, and the heart the _country_; for people in the country seem to be taking things to heart, and people at court seem to wish to be at the head of things.

We make a mighty bustle about the twenty-four letters; how many changes they can ring, and how many volumes they have composed; yet, let us look upon the many millions of mankind, and see if any two faces are alike.

Nature never designed several faces which we see; it is the odd exercise they give the muscles belonging to their visages occasions such looks: as, for example; we meet in the streets with several people talking to themselves, and seem much pleased with such conversation. [_Here take them off._] Some people we see staring at every thing, and wondering with a foolish face of praise, [_make a face here_]; some laughing, some crying. Now crying and laughing are contrary effects, the least alteration of features occasions the difference; it is turning _up_ the muscles to laugh [_do so here_], and _down_ to cry.

{5}Yet laughter is much mistook, no person being capable of laughing, who is incapable of thinking. For some people suddenly break out into violent spasms, ha, ha, ha! and then without any gradation, change at once into downright stupidity; as for example-[_Here shews the example._]

In speaking about faces, we shall now exhibit a bold face. [_Shews the head. _]

This is Sir Whisky Whiffle. He is one of those mincing, t.i.ttering, tip-toe, tripping animalculae of the times, that flutter about fine women like flies in a flower garden; as harmless, and as constant as their shadows, they dangle by the side of beauty like part of their watch equipage, as glittering, as light, and as useless; and the ladies suffer {6}such things about them, as they wear soufflee gauze, not as things of value, but merely to make a shew with: they never say any thing to the purpose; but with this in their hands [_takes up an eye-gla.s.s_] they stare at ladies, as if they were a jury of astronomers, executing a writ of inquiry upon some beautiful planet: they imagine themselves possessed of the power of a rattle-snake, who can, as it is said, fascinate by a look; and that every fine woman must, at first sight, fall into their arms.--"Ha! who's that, Jack? she's a devilish fine woman, 'pon honour, an immensely lovely creature; who is she? She must be one of us; she must be comeatable, 'pon honour."--"No, Sir," replies a stranger, that overheard him, "she's a lady of strict virtue."--"Is she so? I'll look at her again--ay, ay, she may be a lady of strict virtue, for, now I look at her again, there is something devilish un-genteel about her."

{7}_Wigs_, as well as _books_, are furniture for the head, and both _wigs_ and _books_ are sometimes equally voluminous. We may therefore suppose this wig [_shews a large wig_] to be a huge quarto in large paper; this is a duodecimo in small print [_takes the knowing head_]; and this a jockey's head, sweated down to ride a sweepstakes. [_Takes the jockey's head._] Now a jockey's head and a horse's head have great affinity, for the jockey's head can pull the horse's head on which side of the post the rider pleases: but what sort of heads must those people have who know such things are done, and will trust such sinking funds with their capitals? These are a couple of heads which, in the {8}Sportsman's Calendar, are called a brace of knowing ones; and, as a great many people about London affect to be thought knowing ones, they dress themselves in these fashions, as if it could add to the dignity of ahead, to shew they have taken their degrees from students in the stable, up to the masters of arts, upon a coach-box. [_ Gives the two heads off, and takes the book-case._]

The phrase of wooden-heads is no longer paradoxical; some people set up wooden studies, cabinet-makers become book-makers, and a man may shew a parade of much reading, by only the a.s.sistance of a timber-merchant. A student in the temple may be furnished with a collection of law books cut from a _whipping-post_; physical dictionaries may be had in _Jesuits' bark_; a treatise upon duels in _touchwood_; the history of opposition in _wormwood_; Shakespeare's works in _cedar_, his commentators in _rotten wood_; the reviewers in birch, and the history of England in _heart of oak_.

Mankind now make use of subst.i.tutes in more things than book-making and militia-men: some husbands are apt to subst.i.tute inferior women to their own ladies, like the idiot, who exchanged a brilliant for a piece of broken looking-gla.s.s; of such husbands we can only say, they have {9}borrowed their education from these libraries, and have wooden, very wooden tastes indeed. [_ Gives it off._]

Here's a head full charged for _fun_ [_takes the head_], a comical half-foolish face, what a great many upon the stage can put on, and what a great many people, not upon the stage, can't put off. This man always laughed at what he said himself, and he imagined a man of wit must always be upon the broad grin; and whenever he was in company he was always teasing some one to be merry, saying, "Now you, muster what do you call 'im? do now say something to make us all laugh; come, do now be comical a little." But if there is no {10}other person will speak, he will threaten to "tell you a story to make you die with laughing," and he will a.s.sure you, "it is the most bestest and most comicallest story that ever you heard in all your born days;" and he always interlards his narration with "so as I was a saying, says I, and so as he was a saying, says he; so says he to me, and I to him, and he to me again;----did you ever hear any thing more comical in all your born days?" But after he has concluded his narration, not finding any person even to smile at what he said, struck with the disappointment, he puts on a sad face himself, and, looking round upon the company, he says, "It was a good story when I heard it too: why then so, and so, and so, that's all, that's all, gentlemen." [_Puts on a foolish look, and gives the head off._]

{11}Here is Master Jacky [_takes the head_], mamma's darling; when she was with child of him she dreamt she was brought to bed of a pincushion.