I look over at him as we make our way down the sidewalk. He nods and I kiss his cheek. I pay attention to where we're going so I really don't trip. No one looks twice at us. I needed that when I came to San Francisco. Needed not to be different. Not the only black kid or the only queer kid. We're just Toby and Levi, and d.a.m.ned if I don't like the sound of our names together.

"That chick in front of us is smiling like someone just handed her a million dollars. Let me guess, that's Cherise?" Levi winks, making my stomach roll. He still does that s.h.i.t to me, makes me crazy with need, the b.a.s.t.a.r.d.

"Yep, that's her. Beware. She's great, but she's...eager. She's wanted to meet you for a while."

Levi shakes his head and rolls his eyes as though I'm being ridiculous. "Please. I know how to handle women. It's a specialty of mine."

"Better not be anymore."

"Nah, not like that. I have no interest in handling anyone except the guy who just admitted he's my boyfriend." And then he pulls away. "Hey! I'm Levi. You must be Cherise. It's so great to finally meet you."

Levi gives her a smile and I swear to G.o.d she swoons. b.a.s.t.a.r.d. I'm going to kick his a.s.s for that later.

"Toby was f.u.c.king adorable when I first met him. He was this skinny little kid, all bones and long limbs, following my brother around. But you could tell he had so much more going on inside. He'd try to hide it, being all tough guy and 'I don't need anyone'. There was this one time..."

I drop my head back and look at the ceiling as Levi tells the third embarra.s.sing Toby memory from our past. Both Brian and Cherise are paying rapt attention, hanging onto every word because this is f.u.c.king Levi and that's what people do when it comes to him. He's charming and funny, everyone sees it, but I'm wishing he would shut the h.e.l.l up on memories of young Toby.

"So it wasn't until this past Christmas break that you noticed Levi-like in a way that was more than just friends?" Brian asks me when Levi's done recounting his latest memory. Brian's a cool guy, totally comfortable in any situation. I dig that about him.

"I didn't know he was bis.e.xual until then. It surprised the h.e.l.l out of me," I admit.

"So?" Levi says. "That doesn't mean I didn't notice you."

Well this is an interesting development. "Go on," I encourage. "I approve of this story. Not the others, though."

Everyone at the table laughs.

"It's strange," Levi says, "because even though I was thirteen when Toby came into our lives, it's almost like he was always there. He was like my kid brother in a lot of ways, which is weird to think about now, but it's true. He and Chris were attached at the hip." Levi reaches over, grabs a French fry off my plate and eats it before continuing. "Once I left for college and had more experience-and then when he went away and came home for breaks-I noticed him. The summer after his freshman year was the first time. He was swimming at our house and I noticed he'd grown a whole h.e.l.l of a lot since he left for school." He smiles at me. "It's probably safer I stop there."

Everyone laughs again and Levi's eating it up. Me? I'm wanting him to finish that story. I can't believe he never told me.

After lunch, an hour or so later, we're walking back to my apartment when I ask, "How about you finish that story now? You were holding out on me!"

He wrinkles his nose. "No thank you. I'm surprised you've held out for this long before asking."

"No thank you? No thank you? How can you say that? Dude, I wanted you and now I find out you noticed me earlier, too?"

Levi crosses his arms playfully. "A man has to have some secrets."

"Not this one."

We're at the apartment now, and when we stop at the entrance he hooks a finger into one of the belt loops on my jeans. "I could probably be persuaded..."

Okay, so this might not be so bad. I can handle persuading him if it means I get off and get the information I want. "How do you mean?"

He leans in, his mouth close to my ear, his breath hot on my skin. "f.u.c.k me hard enough and I'm putty in your hands, Tobias. We'll pretend that's what it takes, when we both know that with or without the lay, I'm already yours. I'm not sure there's a d.a.m.n thing I wouldn't do for you."

My chest swells like someone's pumping it up, pushing a lever over and over to inflate it, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I feel Levi there, inside me, changing me, making all these emotions come alive that I never thought would be there.

"But there's a catch... To find out, you still have to f.u.c.k me. And to f.u.c.k me, you have to catch me." And then he's gone, running up the stairs to my apartment and I'm rushing after him, wanting my prize.

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE.

The next few days are strange and wonderful. Levi's in my bed every night and every morning. We cook meals together. He's home when I go to work and there when I get home. He'll be sitting at the table drawing, or in my bed waiting and suddenly...I get it. Get how having something like this can be addicting. How it can change your world in both scary and incredible ways.

And I've also seen how losing it can change you. I think that's what happened to my dad, but now I'm seeing the flip side. I'm understanding the part of love that doesn't tear you apart.

It's halfway through spring break when I get home from work around four. I'm tired as h.e.l.l. Today was an early shift. I actually did pick up more hours over break because I can always use the money. It also eases some of the guilt where Chris is concerned. The reason I stayed in San Francisco wasn't a total lie.

The second I walk in the door, Levi says, "I have a surprise for you. Let's go take a shower and I'll tell you while we're in there."

"Why do I have to be in the shower with you for you to tell me?"

"Do you really need a reason to be in the shower with me?" he tosses back.

"Good point. Let's go."

We're naked and standing under the spray of my noisy-a.s.s, incredibly small shower, my d.i.c.k growing because yeah, we're naked and wet and my d.i.c.k always likes the idea of getting off, when Levi says, "We're going out."

That definitely wasn't what I expected him to say. "We already had social time this week when we went to lunch with Cherise and Brian. Can't we stay home? Spend the rest of the day in this shower instead?" I reach for him, wrap my hand around his hardening length and stroke.

Levi hisses. "Well, you're welcome to make me come first, but we're still going out. I owe you a play, since you didn't go back home."

As I look him in the eyes, my hand pauses, stops pumping on his hot, thick erection. "We're going to the theater?" My heart's slam-dancing against my chest.

"Yeah...it's not the same play. I don't know if you've seen it or if you'll like it, but even if it sucks, I figured I'd get points for trying." He laughs but I can't bring myself to return his laughter. It's such a small thing in so many ways, but this is the second time Levi has tried to give me something I love. The second time he's made the offer to see a play with me because he knows I'd enjoy it, even though he's not totally sure he will.

Sometimes it's the smallest sacrifices, the smallest ways you try to make someone happy that mean the most. "You don't need any more points than you already have. You have more points than anyone in my life, ever."

Levi tries. My dad has never tried. My mom just walked away. h.e.l.l, I don't try, not with most people, but he makes me want to.

The water starts to turn cold, but neither of us makes the move to get out.

"You're good at words when you use them. I wish you did it more," Levi says softly.

"I know... I'm trying." And I am.

He cups my face, brushes a thumb across my cheek. We're shivering now, his teeth clattering in the cold water. His wet, brown hair hangs in his face. I like it like that. His pale skin will have a blue tint to it soon if we don't get out.

"If you kiss me, I'll tell you what we're seeing," he finally says.

"You're always trying to bribe me. You don't have to." Our lips are cold against each other's. He trembles and I tremble but it's worth my body freezing to have my tongue in his mouth, to taste him and eat his moans and feed him my own.

When we pull apart we're both panting and I'm really wanting him to get on his knees for me, or turn around and give himself to me-mouth or a.s.s, I wouldn't care which way, but there's also excitement skittering through my veins, making my heart pump harder and faster. "So, what are we seeing?"

"The Importance of Being Earnest. Is that okay?"

"It's perfect." Anything would be.

After our shower we get dressed and then Uber it to a restaurant for dinner. We eat at a fresh seafood place. Levi orders a f.u.c.king lobster, but I go with fish and chips. I pay for dinner, even though Levi argues with me about it; but he bought the tickets, he planned this whole night, I'm not going to let him pay for dinner on top of it.

Maybe that's s.h.i.tty dating etiquette, but it's how I feel. I don't have a lot of experience with this stuff. When I moved here, I became a s.l.u.t because I wanted s.e.x and experience and freedom. Somehow my life has been flipped upside down and I'm dating Levi. I need to admit it-I'm dating Levi Baxter. He's taking me out tonight.

We finish dinner and walk to the theater from there.

"So what's this play about?" he asks when we're almost there.

"You don't know?"

He looks sheepish when he replies, "Yeah, I totally know. Just checking to make sure you do."

Funny guy. So I tell him about the two friends, Jack and Algernon who make up fake personas to get the women they want to marry them, because they'll only marry an "earnest" man. He listens and seems interested, and when we get seated in the auditorium, Levi's full attention is on the stage. He laughs when he's supposed to, and leans forward to pay attention. He's pa.s.sionate about it, in a way I didn't expect. It's not until the play is over that I realize I watched him more than the performance, and I've never enjoyed what I see more than I enjoy seeing Levi Baxter.

CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO.

The second we get inside my apartment, my mouth covers Levi's. I want to crawl inside him, live there, taste and know and memorize every millimeter of his skin. Everything inside him. I want our bodies to know each other's in every way because everything about him feels so f.u.c.king good. Because seeing him happy makes me feel happy, too. I think maybe Levi spent his whole life not really believing he was truly happy until recently. Now his happiness is true and honest and beautiful.

I want to f.u.c.k his brains out, but I want to love him slowly, too. So we're a combination of urgency and easy exploration as we rip at each other's shirts, teeth clacking as we kiss, our hands slowing to rub and touch skin again and again.

Our shirts and shoes are gone in the living room. We're unb.u.t.toning pants in the hallway. He kisses my neck, grabs my crotch, plucks my nipple, before saying, "I'll be right back. Be naked when I get there."

Levi makes his way into the bathroom, and I go into the bedroom, kicking out of my slacks and underwear as I go. My usual doubts try to sneak into my consciousness-it's ironic that every time I go out of my mind for Levi like this I've still got s.h.i.t hovering in my periphery. This won't last forever. He won't be able to work through all the s.h.i.t in his life, and he'll leave you. You aren't cut out for relationships.

I fall back onto my bed, stroke my erection and just try to concentrate on how he makes me feel and seeing him smile and being inside him.

Feels like both an eternity and no time at all before Levi comes out, naked and hard. He sets his clothes on the dresser before walking toward me. "I love your skin." Levi kneels on the bed, leans over and kisses my stomach.

"I used to hate it," I admit.

"What?" He pulls back, but I shake my head and he starts kissing my chest.

"That's a lie, I guess. I didn't hate it. I just wished I wasn't different from everyone I knew. Gay guy, black guy..."

"My guy," he says. "And it's s.e.xy as h.e.l.l, the soft brown. I like to see us together. It's f.u.c.king hot."

And it is, his pale skin against mine. It's beautiful. "Come here," I tell him and Levi comes. His body runs the length of mine, his weight on me like it belongs there. Our mouths fuse, our tongues fight and wrestle as we thrust against each other.

The slow burn starts in my b.a.l.l.s, our skin is dewy with sweat but we just keep kissing. Rolling over, I give Levi my weight now, thrust against his hot length as his hands clutch my a.s.s. "You know you can have me, too. Anytime. I like to bottom, as well. I know you said-"

"I want you. I'll have you," he interrupts.

"Good." I know he said in the beginning that when he's with a guy, he likes to be f.u.c.ked, but I want him to know I go both ways. I want it both ways from time to time.

"Next time. Just like you inside me so f.u.c.king much," he says and then we're kissing again and my head is threatening to explode just from hearing him say that.

Levi kisses and licks my throat and Adam's apple as I reach over for the lube and condoms. He spreads his legs and I kneel between them, ripping open the condom and covering my sensitive erection. "Hold your legs back for me."

It's f.u.c.king gorgeous to see him like this, all laid bare and open for me. Squirting lube in my hand I wet his hole, my erection, and then play with him a little more. Pushing a finger inside, I tease him, finger him, just reveling in the way he feels from the inside.

"Let's do this," Levi tells me after a minute. "Give it to me." Leaning forward, I take his mouth. My tongue pushes inside at the same moment I breach his body, feel all the tight heat around me.

"You feel so good," I tell him.

Levi answers with a strangled-out, "Then show me."

So I do, pulling out and thrusting back home over and over. The bed hits the wall. My b.a.l.l.s beg to empty. He grunts and moans and grabs my a.s.s. It's harder than it usually is, but slower, too. More intimate as our eyes hold each other's and my hand knots in his hair.

He just called me his and, even though I didn't set out to do it, now I'm claiming him.

I can tell when he's close because he starts jerking himself off. The second he erupts, his body tightening around me, I let loose, giving him my o.r.g.a.s.m before collapsing on top of his sticky body.

He sucks in a deep breath, so I roll off him without going far. We're still touching, still glued together with sweat and come. Our breathing alternates: him in, me out, him out, me in, and as crazy as it sounds, I find a strange comfort in that. It's as though we're working together, making a rhythm between the two of us.

"We can go to the theater every d.a.m.ned night if you do me like that afterward." Leaning over, he kisses my forehead. "Your hair's growing out a little. I like it."

Closing my eyes, I savor the feel of his hand rubbing my head. "That feels awesome. I might have to keep it like this." And then his previous comment comes back to me. "Thanks for tonight. We should do something you like tomorrow."

"I like this."

As much as I enjoy hearing that, as much as it makes me feel invincible, I answer honestly. "You have to like more than just this, though. You should love what you do. You shouldn't plan your life around doing s.h.i.t that makes everyone else happy."

Levi sighs. This probably wasn't the best time to go there, but it's done now. I wouldn't take it back if I could.

"Okay, so I'll keep doing what I'm doing because I don't know what else to do. Or because I've sacrificed five years of my life for it already. Five f.u.c.king years, Tobias. Or because I've worked my a.s.s off. Or because my family spent an incredible amount of money on my college and med school. Most people don't love what they do. People make decisions and then they follow through with them. That's what life is."

I picture my dad when he says that. See him going through the motions every d.a.m.n day and not enjoying any of it. He doesn't try to make any changes, just keeps going on the same path he set out on years ago. "f.u.c.k that."

"Can we not do this? I just blew my load and I'd much rather pa.s.s the h.e.l.l out than argue with you. Let's just enjoy the night."

But I can't do that. Maybe he doesn't get how or why I'm sure of it, but he can't live that kind of life. Not Levi. He can't be okay with just going through the motions. What hope do the rest of us have if someone like Levi can't do what makes him happy?

"My dad doesn't talk to me," I tell him. "He doesn't know how. He let out a relieved breath when I told him I wasn't coming home for spring break."