She saw us before we walked over. There was a smile for her father, belligerence for me. To never be forgiven wasn't outside the realm of possibilities. I'd made my choice, and now I'd have to live with the consequences. "She doesn't want to see me. You visit," I said. "I'll wait for you outside."

I went to the nurses' station and asked to speak with Dr. Natal. A few minutes later the nurse told me that the doctor would meet Clyde and me in her office after our visit. Clyde emerged about an hour later, looking worn out and sad. "Will she see me?" I asked.

He shook his head. "She thinks you're trying to have her killed. She said some really crazy things. Did a man sleep with both of you?"

"In the room, Clyde, not in our beds. It was for security, in case Trina tried to leave or got violent. I'll tell you everything later. We have an appointment with Dr. Natal to talk about the conservatorship."

Clyde flinched when I said the word. "I'm not having her locked up."

"Would you prefer her to get locked up for real? She's already been arrested for shoplifting. Is jail better than a medical facility? That's where she's headed, Clyde, down that slippery slope. She won't get medication or therapy in jail. She'll just get sicker."

"Keri-"

My voice rose. "Or maybe you want her to commit suicide. You heard Dr. Natal. Trina told those men she wanted to kill herself. We've already lost one child. Do you want to lose the other one, so you can leave me alone to grieve all by myself? Walk out on me because you can't take the pain?"

I was screaming by then. Two nurses rushed toward me. Beyond them in the hallway, necks swiveled and all eyes were on us. I didn't care. Something had come loose inside me. I began pounding Clyde's chest with my fists. He tried to grab my hands, but I snatched them away, so he ended up pulling me to his chest and holding me there while I sobbed. When I got quiet, I could feel something jerking inside him, some kind of hard trembling that he couldn't control. After a while he said, "All right. We'll do it your way."

"Mr. Whitmore, are you all right?" Dr. Natal asked, when we sat down in the two chairs facing her desk. Clyde looked shell-shocked and more fragile than I'd ever seen him.

He nodded.

I glanced at Clyde and turned to Dr. Natal. "I've been trying to get a conservatorship of her person, so I can get her stabilized again. If that means putting her in a locked facility, that's what I'll do. I need a psychiatrist to support my claim that she's gravely disabled. Will you help me?" I asked.

"Are you in agreement with this, Mr. Whitmore?" she asked.

He nodded.

"Where do you all live?"

"In Los Angeles," I said.

"You need someone in LA," Dr. Natal said. She leaned back in her chair. "Let's do this. We'll try to get the hold extended. If we're able to do that, I suggest that you transfer your daughter to Beth Israel. I have a dear friend there, a psychiatrist also. I'll give her a call. You've been in touch with someone at the Office of the Public Guardian?"

I nodded.

"Okay, let me see what I can do about getting the hold extended."

"Thank you," I whispered.

"Thank you," Clyde said.

She glanced at her watch. "There's a support group for parents that meets in about twenty minutes. Perhaps you and your husband would like to attend. The nurse can show you where it is."

There weren't many people in the room, maybe a dozen or so. There were several rows of chairs. Clyde and I sat in the back. Rather, I sat and Clyde stood, his brows crowding together over the bridge of his nose, eyes scared, as though maybe he wasn't supposed to be here, and me thinking, Yes, this was exactly where we were supposed to be. I took his hand and pulled him down to his seat. He looked at me, and then he leaned forward as the speaker's voice got louder. Her son, she told the group, had done well in his first year at Stanford, and now-and now- And then Clyde was shaking again, trembling. I took his hand in mine and squeezed it. He tried to pull away, but I held on until his fingers became limp. When I looked at him, there were tears in his eyes. The woman in front of us turned her head and smiled.

"Welcome," she said, her greeting half grin, half ol'-time religion. Clyde drew back; I leaned forward, toward that blessing. I felt the circle closing. Maybe I was right back where I started. Maybe not. Hallelujah anyhow.

29.

MY CELL WAS RINGING BY THE TIME WE REACHED CLYDE'S car. I heard Brad's angry, anxious voice when I answered. A man was standing at Margaret's front door looking for me. Orlando somebody. What had I told him about the program?

"He's there to pick me up. Trina and I are leaving, and my ex-husband is with me now. Actually, I was getting ready to call Margaret to get directions. We were on our way over to get my stuff."

His voice was liquid acid. "Neither one of them is supposed to be here. You made the agreement, not your ex-husband or some guy. I can't jeopardize the program by having strangers know our-"

"Look, Brad, Trina and I are leaving."

"You gave this guy Margaret's address, and now you want to bring another-"

"They're not reporting you to the authorities. Damn. They don't have to come into the house. I just want to get our things."

"Why are you leaving? We can wait for Trina's hold to be up. She'll get stabilized in the hospital. You shouldn't go."

"We're leaving."

"What happened was a fluke. That wouldn't-"

"We're going home."

I could see his face in my mind, his eyes cloudy with personal failure. Brad hadn't delivered us safely to the promised land. He'd lost a passenger.

I'd lost something else.

"You did your best. I'm not blaming you. I appreciate all your efforts." I thought about asking what was happening with the police but changed my mind. If I didn't have to know, I didn't want to know. But I did want to speak with Bethany, to tell her good-bye. So when we made arrangements to meet in the parking lot of the mall where we'd searched for Trina, I asked Brad to make sure that she came along.

They were both standing with my bags where we said we'd meet when Clyde and I drove up, but I didn't see Orlando. The van was nowhere around. I told Clyde to stay in the car, which was my final promise to Brad.

"Where's Orlando?" I asked. Brad looked jumpy; he moved his body from side to side and kept pounding his fist into his open palm.

"I gave him directions."

"Why didn't you have him follow you?"

But I knew. Anyone behind him would see his license plate.

Bethany grabbed me in a tight hug. She looked as though she were coming off a long bender. Her cheeks were sunken, and the circles below her eyes were darker than usual. Her clothes were rumpled, as though she'd slept in them. "Thank God!" she whispered in my ear. "How is she?"

"They didn't hurt her," I said, and told her the story, which elicited another "Thank God!"

"Come with us," Bethany said after I'd finished. I glanced at Brad. He looked awkward for a moment, then stepped away.

"No."

"Our girls are hard cases," she said. "Something was bound to happen. It won't be like that this time."

I shook my head.

"We started this together."

"I'm sorry. I'm going back to LA."

"So you're going to try the system again? It didn't work before."

"I know. You still think this is going to work for you?"

"I'm no good with systems. We're going to the site this evening. I'll stay nearby for a while; then I'll come back in a week or so."

"Bethany, we need to go," Brad said.

"How's Angelica doing?"

"She's coming down. I can see depression setting in. Wilbur will meet us tonight; he'll know what to give her."

"Bethany," Brad said. He wouldn't look at me. I was no longer part of his world.

Bethany hugged me again. I ran my fingers over her back, found the knots, and pressed down. Bethany groaned a little. "Come see me when you get back," I said. "I'll get rid of them for you."

"I will."

Clyde wanted to know why we were sitting in the parking lot. When I told him that Orlando was on his way, he looked a little confused. He'd met him years earlier and had even gone to one of his plays, but they hadn't seen each other in a long time.

"Is he still your boyfriend?"

I was taken aback, not by the question but because of the frank interest in Clyde's eyes. He never asked me about my personal life.

I hesitated. I don't know why.

"You guys have been hanging out for a long time. How come you never got married?"

"How come you get married so much?"

Clyde chuckled. "I've been trying to figure that one out myself. I don't think I'll be doing it again."

"I wouldn't bet money on that," I said. "You're the marrying kind."

"Am I?"

"You like having a wife; you just don't want to be a husband."

The words came out before I could stop them. When I looked at Clyde's face, I knew that I'd cut too deep.

"Why does it have to be my fault?"

"How many times have you done this?"

He looked as though he were doing the math for the very first time. "I did the best I-"

"You've never given your best to a marriage. You give your best to making money."

Clyde's face contorted. "I'm sick of hearing this shit. All women want a successful man, but they never want to deal with what it takes to be successful in America. And it's twice as hard for a brother. You don't have any problems accepting the rewards of my working so hard, but when it comes with dealing with the sacrifices involved, all you do is complain. You don't know what you want."

"I can't speak for the rest of your wives, but I never asked you to go slay the dragon for me. You did that on your own, because of your needs."

"I did it to take care of my family."

"You left your family, and then you started throwing money at us."

"We were together a long time after-" He stopped, cleared his throat, and grew quiet.

"Say it."

"Say what?"

"Say we were together a long time after the baby died."

He turned his head.

"Don't look away from me."

He turned back, and when he did he looked weary and frightened, which infuriated me more. "What do you want from me?"

"Do you think the only way you can leave somebody is to walk out the door? You were never home. Our world exploded, and you didn't try to help me put it back together. And you didn't try to help Trina, either."

"So I'm the bad guy, huh? Because I don't want to hold on to grief, I'm the bad guy?"

"You didn't share-"

"I didn't share what? I mourned our son, Keri. I still do. I just don't do it the way you do. You mourn forever, and you hold grudges forever. You never want to let anything go."

"What are you talking about?"

"Your mother, for one thing. You were grown up at eighteen, and you're still in pain about your childhood. Damn. How long ago was that? The woman has tried and tried to make it up to you, and you're still so damn angry that-"

"I let her back in my life. She's the one who ran out again."

"No, she didn't. She got married. She didn't make you her number-one priority, and you got pissed off. That's what happened."

"I-"

"Listen, if I failed to grieve with you, I'm sorry. But knowing you, you won't accept that apology, because you like to hold grudges."