*At the Aurobindo Ashram?'

*Yes, it didn't really have a connection with Ananya or her parents. But you remember everything he said.'

*Yes about forgiveness.'

*Yes, maybe it had some significance,' she said.

I kept quiet. The clock in her room told me it was time for my return journey. I took her leave.

*Airport, vegamaa,' I said as I hailed an auto.

57.

I knew I had to eat, my brain knew this, but my body wouldn't hear of it. The day after returning from Chennai, I only had soup at office; at home I pretended I'd already had dinner. My mother asked me when I wanted to shave. She wanted to schedule a meeting with a new girl. I told her I had decided to keep a beard for the rest of my life. She made a face and left the room.

My father came home at ten. He looked extra tired. His normally tucked in shirt was out, and his hair wasn't neatly combed as usual. He sat in front of me.

*I've eaten dinner' he told my mother.

*I don't know why I even cook,' my mother grumbled as she left the room.

*You came back late last night,' my father said to me. I had reached home only at the midnight from the airport.

*I had to work late,' I said.

*Everything OK?' he said.

I nodded.

*I had a really bad day,' my father said. *My pension papers are stuck in government offices. Bloody lazy buggers.'

I nodded without paying attention. My thoughts were all over the place, but none in his department. I felt immense longing and loathing for Ananya at the same time. I felt resentment towards my mother. My own problems, at least in my mind, were far bigger than some retirement files stuck in a government office.

*Now they have asked me to submit three different letters. I have to get them typed tomorrow,' my father said.

When my father had to suffer, he forgot his own vocation a of making others suffer. He hadn't shouted once since he had come home.

*Do you know a place where I can get letters typed? You have a computer, no?'

my father said.

*Yes, I do,' I said.

My father continued to look at me expectantly.

*OK, I'll type them now and get a printout from office tomorrow,' I said. I anyway wanted more work to distract myself. I opened my laptop.

*Thank you,' he said, words we did not know lived inside of him.

I wrote his three applications in the next thirty minutes.

*How's your friend? He said to me.

*Which friend?' I said.

*The girl who came from Chennai to attend the wedding,' he said.

The mention of Ananya was enough to stir up my emotions. I felt like someone had punched me back in the stomach. Maybe I should take those anti-depression pills, I thought.

*I don't know. Must be fine,' I said after a minute's pause.

*You are not in touch with her?'

*Everyone had busy lives, dad,' I dismissed. *Your letters are done. I'll get a printout tomorrow.' I shut down my computer.

*It is good that we talk sometimes,' my father said.

*Good night, dad' I said and left for my room.

I lay in bed and that is when the depression hit me full force. Dr Iyer was right, no pill could be as bad for me as I felt right now. I lay motionless. I felt like I'd never be able to get out of bed again. I thought of every person in my life. One by one, I convinced myself how each of them hated me. If I were gone tomorrow, they'd all be happier. And considering how crappy I felt, there was no reason for me to stick around anyway. I had no one I could talk to about my situation, except five hundred bucks an hour. I hated money, I hated Citibank, I hated my job and I *

hated all human beings on earth.

Calm down, Krish, this is going to pass,I told myself. This was the sensible me talking. No baby, this time you are so fucked. This is how you will feel for the rest of your life, the freaked-out me said. That's nonsense. Whatever crap happens in life, tone gets used to it. You aren't the first guy facing a break-up,sensible-me said. Yes, but nobody loves the way I do. So, nobody feels as hurt as I do,freaked-out me said. Yeah, right, sensible-me said and yawned, can we sleep? You know you need to.

Are you crazy? How can you sleep when we can stay up all night and worry about this the freaked-out me said.

The world's most sensible person and the biggest idiot both stay within us.

The worst part is, you can't even tell who is who.

58.

*Where's dad?' I asked my mother, *He hasn't told me how many copies he wants.'

Though I sat for breakfast before going to office, I drank only a glass of milk.

Solids were still indigestible. I wanted to rush to work and occupy my mind before it sank into its black-hole hell again.

*Morning walk,' my mother said.

*Why doesn't he keep a mobile?' I said as I wore my shoes to leave for office.

*Get four copies of each, worst case,' my mother said.

It wasn't a big deal. However, it didn't take a lot to piss me off these days.

*Like I have nothing better to do in office,' I said.

*All you grumpy people in the house, please leave,' my mother said and folded her hands. *I don't know when you will forget her.'

*I don't know when you'll end your drama,' I said.

*This girl....' my mother started.

*Bye,' I said hurriedly and sprinted out of the house.

I came late at night. I had stuck to juice and milk all day.

*Again no dinner? Where are you eating these days, and look at you, so weak.

And please shave,' my mother said.

*Is dad back?' I said, *Here are his papers.'

I took out the printouts and kept them on the table. My mother shook her head and told me that he hadn't come all day.

*Please, give these to him,' I said.

I went to my room and lay down in bed. Scared of black-hole land, I kept the *

lights on. I read the newspaper, paying extra attention to each article to keep my mind busy. An item girl with her picture in a bikini said she wanted to be taken seriously. I found her request quite reasonable.

My father returned at midnight.

*You think this is a hotel?' I said as I opened the door. I hadn't fought with him for weeks, so it was about time anyway.

My father didn't respond.

*Here are your printouts. I didn't know how many copies you'd need.'

*Thanks,' my father said.

*Where do you go so late? Your real estate agency work can't take this long,' I said.

*I am not answerable to you,' my father said.

*And that is why we are an officially fucked-up family,' I said.

I came back to my room. I slammed the door shut as I prepared for another night with the devils in my head. I promised myself to call Dr Iyer in the morning and get a prescription for those happy drugs. Fuck the side effects, I couldn't take the mind monsters anymore.

I fell semi-asleep at three in the night. Persistent rings woke me up. I checked my watch; 5 a.m. Who the hell was calling at this hour?

I woke up groggy with a headache already in place. I reached the living room. I picked up the phone, ready to scream at the milkman or whoever else felt it was OK to call now.

*Hello,' a female voice said.

*Ananya?' I said. I knew that voice too well.

*Thanks sweetie, thank you so much,' Ananya said. Had she dialed the right number?

*What?' I said, still not fully in my senses.

*You fixed everything. Thank you so much,' she said, her voice super-excited.

*What did I do?' I blinked sleepily.

*Don't pretend! You should have at least told me.'

*Told you what?'

*That your dad is coming up to Chennai,' Ananya said.

*What?' I said and woke up in an instant.

*Stop behaving like a dumbo. He spent seven hours with my parents yesterday.

He assured them that I would be treated like a daughter and apologised for any past misgivings.'

*My dad?' I tried for clarification.

*Yeah, my parents feel so much better after meeting him. In fact, they asked me if I have a date in mind. Can you imagine?' Ananya spoke so fast, it was hard to catch her words.

*Huh, really?' I said.

*Oh wake up properly and call me. I love you, baby. Sorry about the day before, I'd been so disturbed.'

*Me too,' I said.