The important is what reflects your priorities and values. It is more long-term in nature and therefore easier to defer.

Love is important-car troubles are urgent. Beware of the urgent eclipsing the important in your life!

Major concept.

Are you stuck in a "romantic stalemate" -where each partner is holding back, waiting for the other to make the first move? Consider this: making the first move isn't giving in-rather, it's the more assertive, more loving, and more risky thing to do. (Doesn't look like a sign of weakness to me!) 525 A "relationship" is an entity. It is a living, growing thing. This isn't just a poetic metaphor; I mean it literally. A relationship is something new that is created when two separate people decide to become a couple. The relationship is connected to and related to each individual, but it is still separate from the individuals involved. (There's you, there's me, and there's this mysterious, indefinable, invisible-yet-very-real thing that we call us.) And just as each individual person needs time, attention and care, so does the relationship.

526 Beware of the phenomenon of "Relationship Entropy" -the tendency of relationships to become more diffuse if not cared for and nurtured; the tendency for once-close lovers to drift apart if both of them don't work at it on a consistent basis. (File under "Better Relationships Through Physics Concepts.")

CONCEPTS (II).

527 Occasional romance is "nice," but it's limited. Romance-over-time is what it's really all about. Why? Because consistency of romantic effort reflects your commitment to your partner. Because it shows that he or she is a top priority in your life.

528 Romantic love consists of a triad of passion, commitment, and intimacy. Let's take a quick look at how these ingredients combine and recombine at different stages in a relationship.

Passion usually takes the lead during dating. Commitment may be nonexistent, and intimacy is just a potential. As the relationship progresses, commitment and intimacy twist and turn around one another, building a framework for further relationship growth. Spurred on by passion, commitment often turns serious, and marriage results. Newlywed passion usually carries the relationship for a year or two, while commitment is assumed, and intimacy builds. When the inevitable challenges and temptations arise, it is hoped that the commitment is strong enough, and the intimacy deep enough, to sustain the relationship.

Passion, commitment, and intimacy all come under fire from a variety of outside sources: jobs, friends, money issues, children, etc. Some of the challenges come from internal sources: insecurity, lack of self-esteem, fear, immaturity, lack of experience, etc.

The combined strength of the passion/commitment/intimacy will determine the fate of the relationship. If commitment is strong but passion weak, the couple will "hang in there" but will not be particularly happy. If passion and commitment are strong but intimacy is weak, the couple will stay together but fail to grow. The happiest couples are able to achieve a dynamic balance of passion, commitment, and intimacy.

Rate your own and each other's levels of passion, romance, and commitment on a scale of 1 to 10. Figure out which areas need the most improvement and get to work!

Feminine/organic metaphor: Making romantic gestures is like watering the flower of your relationship. Don't let it wilt!

Masculine/mechanical metaphor: Romance is like working on your car. Imagine this: You just got your dream car-a new red Ferrari F50. You fill it with gas, wax it up-and that's all you need to do in order to keep driving it for the next twenty years, right? Wrong! Relationships work the same way. They need to be fueled, tuned up, tinkered with, and polished regularly.

EROTICA (I).

529 In case you were wondering (and I know how you think): The most sexually suggestive flower is the Hibiscus. (And because I know how curious you are, Calla Lilies come in a close second.)

Chapter Theme Song:.

"Sexual Revolution,"

Macy Gray

530 Bob used to tease his wife, Tricia, saying she was "pretty as a playmate." She was flattered, but said she was too shy to be a playmate-but perhaps she'd be his pin-up girl. So Bob began calling her his "Pin-Up Girl." It was just a private little thing until...Tricia hired a local artist to paint a pin-up portrait of her, in the Vargas airbrush style from the 1940s. She surprised Bob with it on his fortieth birthday. To say that he was "surprised and pleased and amazed and thrilled" is an understatement!

531 Create an "Erotic Fantasy Jar." On fifty little squares of paper describe some fantasies. Make some subtly erotic, make some blatantly sexy, make some for him, make some for her, make some quickies, make some long and luxurious, make some visual, make some auditory, make some tasty, make some favorites, make some surprises.

Once a week you take turns picking an idea out of the jar.

532 Don't leave lovemaking until just before sleeping! Why is it soften the last item on the list? (Why do so many people have their priorities so screwed up? How could those silly household chores possibly be more important than being intimate with your lover?) "Love is its own aphrodisiac and is the main ingredient for lasting sex."

-Mort Katz Osculate!

Often.

EROTICA (II).

533 One man in the Romance Class told us how an accidental wine spill resulted in an erotic tradition celebrated regularly with his wife. She'd spilled a glass of wine on her new silk blouse. Instead of being upset, she thought about it for a second, grabbed his wine glass, emptied it down the front of her blouse, and said, "If you want it, come and get it!" (They've since graduated to cordials!) 534 Do you know what your partner finds erotic? Or do you assume you know? Do you figure she likes what your last girlfriend enjoyed? Do you think he's just like the guy described in last month's Cosmo? Do you believe everything you read in Penthouse Letters?

Talk about what each of you considers erotic.

Set your inhibitions and judgments aside.

Describe what you experience as sexy and erotic.

Be open to new ways of looking at sexuality.

535 When choosing erotic movies, it may be helpful to remember that men and women often have different definitions of "erotic." Women like the smoldering passion of The Bridges of Madison County or Like Water for Chocolate. For men, you can pretty much sum up their taste in erotic movies in two words: "Nude blonde." Think of the erotic thrillers Basic Instinct or Body Double.

536 Drip honey on various parts of your lover's body. Lick it off. (Wine and cordials work nicely, too.) Gals-Pose on a bed of black silk sheets wearing white silk lingerie.

Pose on a bed of white silk sheets wearing black silk lingerie.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! (I).

537 Send her a birthday card every day for a month preceding her birthday.

538 Find and record a bunch of "birthday" and "age-related" songs for him or her. Like "You Say It's Your Birthday" from the Beatles' White Album. I've conducted a little musical research on your behalf, and here's what I've come up with: If your lover is turning thirty, give him or her the soundtrack from the movie 13 Going on 30. Then use the music as the soundtrack for the birthday party.

Fun and insightful:

Love Cards: What Your Birthday Reveals About You & Your Personal Relationship, by Robert Cramp.

"Happy Birthday," Stevie Wonder "Happy Birthday," New Kids on the Block "Happy Birthday," Altered Images "Happy Birthday to you," Bing Crosby "Happy Birthday to you," Eddy Howard "Happy Birthday to you," Sunsetters "Young At Heart," Frank Sinatra "I Wish I Were 18 Again," George Burns "When I'm Sixty-Four," The Beatles 539 Original magazines from the week or month of his or her birth date make great birthday gifts. (If, of course, your partner isn't overly sensitive about his or her age!) Try a local used bookstore.

540 If your partner is sensitive about his or her age, but you still want to find some way to celebrate, here's a solution: Count blessings instead of years. You could make lists on scrolls of things that the two of you are thankful for. You could focus on a different blessing at each celebration. You could take turns creating the list. You could celebrate several times a year.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! (II).

541 Use sparklers instead of candles on his birthday cake.

542 Get him an actual newspaper from the day he was born! The Historic Newspaper Archives has newspapers from more than fifty U.S. cities, including the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, and the Los Angeles Times. These are authentic, well-preserved editions of the entire original newspapers. Call 800-221-3221, or visit www.historicnewspaper.com.

543 A basic romantic concept: Birthday cards. Some twists: Send a card a day for a week, a month.

Send as many cards as the number of years in his age.

Send twenty-five cards-all on the same day.

Hide cards in his briefcase, in the refrigerator.

Create your own birthday cards.

Make them simple, with crayons or markers.

Make them elaborate, created on your computer.

Write a birthday greeting on a cake-or on a pizza.

Make a poster-sized card.

Rent a billboard: Create a HUGE birthday card.

Have the message written in beautiful calligraphy.

Chapter Theme Song:.

"Birthday," Destiny's Child If you're not satisfied with celebrating birthdays just once a year, you can always celebrate half-birthdays every six months!

544 Convince her boss to call her at home at six o'clock in the morning on the morning of her birthday-to give her the day off!

MONEY MAKES THE WORLD GO 'ROUND

545 "How can I be romantic when money's tight?" many guys ask me. Actually, a shortage of money can be a good thing when it comes to romance. Why? Because it forces you to be more creative, to give more of yourself, to spend time instead of money. Love never dies because of lack of money, but it often dies because of boredom and neglect.