WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS.

411 When women use the word "romance," they're usually referring to love. When men use the word "romance," they're often referring to sex. (So be careful! The word "romance" can be slippery.) 412 Sales figures show that women tend to prefer pink and white and pastel colors for lingerie, while men prefer to see women in black and red.

Women: Ask yourself if you're dressing to please him or yourself.

Men: Ask yourself if the goal of your lingerie gift is to please her or please yourself.

Chapter Theme Song:.

"Subway to Venus,"

Red Hot Chili Peppers

413.

Women: Stop nagging. Even if you're right. (Especially if you're right!) Hundreds of women in the Romance Class have told me that nagging and complaining are the quickest ways to drive a man into a resentful-and far from romantic-silence.

Men: Stop judging. Stop correcting. Stop lecturing. She doesn't need it and doesn't want it. You're not her father or teacher-you're her lover.

Men and women tend to be "thermally incompatible." It is a biological fact that at "room temperature," most women are chilly and most men are warm.

414.

For women: Place a red rose on the lawnmower along with a note: "I appreciate the work you do. And I'll demonstrate just how much I appreciate you when you're done with the lawn-so hurry!"

For men: Float a flower in the kitchen sink along with a note: "Have I told you lately how much I appreciate you? Well I do. I'm warming up a bottle of massage oil just for you. So hurry!"

MEN ARE (NOT) FROM MARS*

415 Love is not gender-specific. Therefore, romance is not gender-specific. Nearly every idea in this book applies to both men and women, even though I sometimes say "her" and other times "his." Don't forget that deep down, we all want the same things in life. Men and women have different styles-not different needs.

416 Note: Things have changed since the 1950s-men like flowers, too. My last survey indicates that 74 percent of American men would feel comfortable receiving flowers and would appreciate the gesture.

*Mars, mythologically, was the god of war, not the god of masculinity.

417 The next time you're tempted to fall into using simple gender stereotypes, think about The Odd Couple. Felix and Oscar are both "regular guys"-but they're as different as night and day! Their differences arise from their individual, personalities, not from their gender.

The same applies to you and your partner. Not all women are emotional, intuitive, and communicative. Not all men are logical, aggressive, and practical. While generalizations are generally true, it's also true that it's the quirks and idiosyncrasies-the qualities that make people unique-that we fall in love with.

A very useful exercise is to talk together about how and why you first fell in love with each other. The challenge is to answer very, very specifically. You'll notice that the qualities most people identify are rarely gender-specific ("His eyes." "Her sense of humor." "The way he smells." "His solid values." "We both love the same books.") People with A+ Relationships tend to stay in touch with these qualities in themselves and support those qualities in their partners.

Proof that men are from Earth: 1. A man wrote Romeo and Juliet.

2. A man wrote The Bridges of Madison County.

3. Fred Astaire was a man.

4. There is an organization called the Order of the Manly Men. They hold a good-natured Manly Man Festival in Roslyn, Washington, complete with a Manliest Vehicle Contest and Manliest Tool Belt Competition. Founder R. M. "Bob" Crane is the self-proclaimed "manliest florist in the United States," according to the Wall Street Journal.

WOMEN ARE (NOT) FROM VENUS*

418 Robin shares this story: "The most romantic gift my husband ever gave me was a pair of needle-nose pliers.

"You see, my family draws names for Christmas gifts, and my wish list always includes tools-I just like to fix things-but nobody ever gives me any! The year I didn't get the needle-nose pliers I requested, I happened to mention to my husband, Mark, that it bothered me that my family didn't take me seriously.

"When December arrived and we were short on cash, Mark and I decided not to give each other any gifts. Celebrating Christmas with Mark's family, I found a tiny wrapped gift from my husband under the tree. His family simply didn't understand why a pair of pliers would bring tears of happiness to my eyes!"

419 Be aware of the differences in men's and women's styles of communicating, but don't over-emphasize them. If you focus on the gap, you'll overlook the bridges!

Bridge #1: The fact that underneath all our differences in style, men and women all want the same things: to be loved, cared for, respected, and appreciated; to have a place of safety and security where we can be ourselves, grow, experiment, and mature.

Bridge #2: Romance itself. Romance is a bridge between the sexes, as it is the expression of love. Romance is a language that uses words, gestures, and tokens to communicate the subtle, multifaceted, and complicated feelings of love.

*Venus, mythologically, was the goddess of love, not the goddess of femininity.

"Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it."

-George Carlin

TUNING IN.

420 "Tune in" to romantic opportunities. They're all around you. Listen for them. Watch for them. Raise your awareness of how you actually "screen out" ideas, resources, tips, and opportunities that you could use to enhance your relationship. For example, observe how you read newspapers and magazines. First, notice the kinds of items that automatically catch your eye. Then go back, slow down, and notice what you've skimmed over. Train yourself to notice potentially romantic items. You can eventually pass this task on to your subconscious mind- and the process can become rather automatic.

421 Lots of romantic ideas will appear if you focus on your partner's "orientation." An orientation isn't really a "hobby"-it's more an intense interest or generalized passion. It's something that tends to occupy his or her mind, time, and interest. (Someone who is really into his Irish heritage isn't exactly practicing a hobby, but his "Irishness" is a great focus for you when thinking up romantic ideas for him.) Here are a variety of orientations expressed by Romance Class participants: "Tune in" to romantic ideas on TV and in ads, billboards, store windows, newspapers, magazines, articles, bookstores, card shops, and catalogs.

Cats Dogs Hometown College Comics Lingerie Shopping Specific sports Specific actors Clothes Music, classical Music, specific type Music, specific artist WWII.

Ethnic heritage Puzzles Golf Science fiction Do-it-yourself Food!

Do you know what your lover's orientation is? Does he or she know yours?

FINE TUNING.

422 Everyone has a sense of humor (even accountants!) But the question is, what kind of sense of humor? What tickles his or her funny bone? Robin Williams? Rosie O'Donnell? David Letterman? Jay Leno? Paula Poundstone? Monty Python? Abbott and Costello? The Three Stooges? Intellectual humor? Slapstick? Visual humor? Puns? Stand-up comedy? Funny movies? Saturday Night Live? Romantic comedies?

Take your partner's specific sense of humor into account when you plan dates, buy gifts, and choose movies.

The reason that practical jokes are more often cruel than funny is that they're based on the joker's sense of humor, and not on the sense of humor of the victim. Be really careful when pulling practical jokes on your partner!

423.

You know that her favorite color is blue. But do you know what shade of blue? Sky blue? Navy blue? Teal blue? Turquoise blue? Powder blue? Blue-green?

You know that his favorite TV show is Star Trek. But do you know if he prefers the original series, The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, or Voyager? Also, do you know his favorite episode? His favorite character?

You know that she loves chocolate. But does she prefer dark chocolate or milk chocolate? Does she have a favorite candy bar? Does she have one (or two) favorite brands?

Coke or Pepsi? Diet or classic? Decaf or regular?

McDonald's or Burger King or Wendy's or KFC?

Ordinary is what everyone does-like renting a movie for Friday night.

Fine tune your romantic gesture: Let's say your partner is a Barbra Streisand fan. Here's the lineup for your "Weekend- Long Barbra Streisand Film Festival": Funny Girl Funny Lady The Way We Were The Owl and the Pussycat Yentl What's Up Doc?

Prince of Tides A Star is Born 424.

Do you know your partner well enough to make a perfect cup of coffee for him or her? How much cream and sugar?

Do you know your partner well enough to order coffee for him or her at Starbucks? Regular coffee? Decaf? Cafe mocha? Cafe latte? Espresso? Double espresso? Cappuccino? Light roast? Dark roast?

STARSTRUCK!.

425 If you'd like to spend a romantic summer night making wishes on falling stars, mark the second week in August on your calendar. The earth passes through the Perseids Meteor Belt around August 12th every year, which usually results in spectacular shows for two to three nights. (You may want to plan an evening of stargazing for the 12th, without telling her about the Perseids. She'll be amazed when about a hundred stars per hour streak across the sky!) A great idea for dreamy romantics.

A great idea for science fiction fans!

Also great for coming through on your promise to give her "the moon and the stars."

Chapter Theme Song:.

"Starry-Eyed Surprise,"

Paul Oakenfold 426 Speaking of falling stars-those that make it all the way to earth are called meteorites. You can buy small meteorites at some rock and gem shops. Have a custom piece of jewelry created to showcase your falling star.

427 If it's the stars of Broadway who interest your partner, why not get him a poster from his favorite show? Today's and yesterday's Broadway hits are represented at the Triton Gallery, 630 Ninth Avenue, New York, New York 10036. Call them at 212-765-2472 or 800-626-6674, or visit www.tritongallery.com.

428 If your interest in the stars is more mystical, call Eric Linter, one of the best astrologers in the United States. While well-versed in the basics of birth charts and astrological predictions, Eric has a dual focus on "spiritually oriented" astrology readings and on "couple dynamics." He prepares individual charts, couple's charts, and special-purpose readings. Many couples ask him for advice on specific dates and times for when to get engaged or married. Call Eric at 617-524-5275.