Chapter 9.

DAISY BORE me home in her gay style and Jay parked on the street near my apartment entrance. I furiously hoped she would get stolen so I wouldn't have to take another trip in her. But I knew that even thieves had levels that they did not sink to.

"Umm.... Did you want to come up for some coffee?" The invitation was out of my mouth before I could think of the ramifications.

"Definitely! I wanna check out your man-pad." He was out of the car and around to my side before I could even take my belt off. "What floor do you live on? Do you have a view?"

We walked to the entrance together, me trying not to limp, Jay practically bouncing on his toes with excitement. He rattled on about house prices and how hard it was to afford a place in Perth's economy as we rode the lift up to the third floor. I unlocked my apartment, ushered him inside, and flicked the light switch on as I entered.

"Wow. Oh, wow. Oh, total wow."

My mother hated my apartment, but I loved it. I had decorated it in monochrome-not just black and white, but more dark browns and soft creams. All the pieces of furniture were either black or dark brown, the carpet and tiles of the kitchen were cream, even the full-length curtains across the windows were beige. Not a single lick of color in my living s.p.a.ce. I had kept the pictures on the wall to a minimum-a couple of black-and-white prints and a single sepia-toned photo of me and my brothers, which had been taken at Dale's wedding.

I made my way to the kitchen to put the kettle on to boil. "I can offer you instant coffee, tea, or a hot Milo. What do you want, Jay?" A chocolate drink made from Milo was the closest I could get to his usual mocha.

"Milo."

The reply came from the direction of the bedrooms. I had two bedrooms-one for sleeping and one where I kept my computer. I didn't mind Jay poking around, but smiled as I imagined his reaction to my bedroom. I didn't have to wait long.

"Oh. My. Gawd." I flicked on the kettle's switch, left it to boil, and chuckled as I made my way toward his voice. My living-room-c.u.m-kitchen had exactly zero color. My bedroom, however, had one giant splash of red in the form of a rich, ruby-red, satin quilt cover across my king-size bed. The material was o.r.g.a.s.mically delicious across naked skin, and I loved it.

Jay was standing in my doorway staring. I nudged him. "Go on. Try it. Just take your shoes off first."

Jay didn't hesitate, toeing off his black tennis shoes and slithering across the acres of satin before resting up against the pillows. He moved his arms and legs back and forth as if making a snow angel. "Oh, man. This is dee-vine!"

I laughed out loud. The divine part was the vision of Jay in my bed at last. He looked great against the red. Not that he was "in" my bed. But it was close.

"Great, huh?" I toed off my own shoes and jumped on the bed, sliding against the slippery material for half the length before coming to rest against Jay's legs. He giggled. I chortled along with him, saying, "You should try it just wearing satin boxers one day. I can slide the entire length of the bed and fall off the other side."

Without stopping to think, I crawled up the bed and lay down next to Jay. He sighed, closed his eyes, and wriggled a bit more to get comfortable. I slid around until my head was on my pillow and closed my eyes, too.

"I'm sorry about my family tonight," Jay commented softly from my side. "I forget how abnormal we all are until I see the 'Oh, f.u.c.k, get me out of here' look on visitors' faces. I should've warned you."

I snorted. "You should've. Or at least issue earplugs at the door when people arrive. It would be the polite thing to do."

The bed vibrated as Jay laughed. "Hey! Watch the insults!"

I didn't bother to open my eyes. "Or earm.u.f.fs. Earm.u.f.fs would be good, too. And you should make sure all your visitors have had their rabies shots. Man, your sisters are feral when they get going. I wouldn't want to be the one to break up that fight. Let me take on three gay bashers any time."

Jay m.u.f.fled his laugh and rolled into me, hiding his face in my shoulder. "Oh, man. You are so right! And I have had to endure it this whole time."

I dropped my voice to a deep ba.s.s and mimicked an authority figure. "Don't worry, son. It will make a man of you." It set Jay giggling and I smiled, relaxing deeply into the silky material and the warmth of Jay curled up at my side. The silence stretched comfortably.

"Liam?"

"Hm-mm?" I was relaxing so much I was falling asleep.

"What does 'exploring your options' mean?"

And just like that my sleepiness disappeared and my senses sprung to red alert. "What?" I opened my eyes, blinking in the bright light.

"The other day, you said you didn't know if you were gay. That you were 'exploring your options.' What does that mean?"

The sleep buzz was disappearing rapidly as I became acutely aware of our position. "Umm...."

I looked down and fell into the deep pool of brown that was his eyes. He licked his lips and whispered, "Are you... interested... in exploring your options with me?" His face was merely inches from mine. It wasn't hard to close the distance between us and press our mouths together.

"Yes."

I rolled us so I was leaning over him, my chest against his as I devoured his lips. Those lips that had driven me mad for months were now parting under mine and I was deep in the well of bliss. I plundered his mouth urgently, and he simply opened up beneath me and allowed it to happen. I quickly became addicted to the taste of Jay, sending my tongue into the cavern of his mouth to draw forth the taste again and again. He wasn't simply limp in my arms either. His tongue came out and rubbed up against mine, sending frissons of sensation through my body and focusing my attention on my rapidly hardening c.o.c.k.

His hands came up and those long, lean fingers speared through my hair, holding me in place and pressing our mouths together harder. I ground him into the bed and sought friction against my arousal by pushing my hips into the cover.

He turned his head to the side, frantically gasping for breath, so I traced my way across his cheek with my tongue, and tasted the slight bitterness of powder on his skin until I could finally suck those twinkling diamond studs into my mouth. Jay arched off the bed and groaned as I pulled his earlobe into my hot mouth, sucking and licking in concert.

"Yes. Oh, yesss!"

I kissed the sensitive skin of his neck, following the line of muscle down so I could smatter kisses across his clavicle. He was wearing way too many clothes for my liking and I almost frantically shoved my hands under his shirt and jumper to feel the soft skin of his chest. My hands had a will of their own as they explored vast quant.i.ties of naked flesh and felt only that-naked flesh. I couldn't feel any hair at all across his torso and it was driving me mad.

I pushed with my legs, cursing as my socks struggled to find a grip on the satin coverlet, until I was completely covering Jay's body with my own. Our legs tangled, denim against denim, until one of his knees wedged between my mine. This brought our covered erections together and I almost died at the exquisite sensation.

"Oh, f.u.c.k yes, Jay."

His hands came down and cupped the globes of my a.r.s.e. Pulling me up and against him, he arched his hips to increase the pressure between us. I found his lips again and happily dived into the abyss of kissing him senseless. His leg came up and over my hip, entwining with me and creating a firmer lock of our hips. I was startled by his strength as he suddenly heaved, rolling us to the side and coming up over the top of me.

I chuckled, entranced with him and the experience of touching and kissing at will.

"My turn to drive," he whispered and I nodded enthusiastically. Jay could do whatever the h.e.l.l he wanted with me. He kissed me over and over while thrusting against me, rubbing his erection along my thigh while simultaneously torturing my own swollen shaft. His hands burrowed under my T-shirt and touched me, rubbing my nipples and lightly scratching through the hair on my chest.

My own hands were not idle. I explored his lithe back, firm b.u.t.tocks, and muscled thighs. I wished our clothes would suddenly cease to exist because I didn't want to let him go long enough to undress.

But all thoughts of clothes and nakedness flew out of my mind as Jay suddenly moved, slithered down my body while pushing my clothes up, then placed his mouth against my stomach. A red haze descended on my mind and I could do nothing but feel-feel that tongue against my skin, feel that gorgeous mouth against my belly b.u.t.ton, feel the cold air against my damp naked skin.

I was a ma.s.s of jelly, unable to respond to anything but the touch of those hands. I vaguely heard Jay whisper something about "it will be so good" but I had no idea what he was talking about. I just needed those lips back against my skin and that hand pressed back against my super-hard c.o.c.k, providing the pressure I needed.

I didn't register the soft hiss of my zipper sliding down. The b.u.t.ton being undone and the material pushed aside was unimportant. I was completely focused on Jay's tongue licking a wet trail to my hip. Even the cool, fresh air on my groin didn't pull me from my cloud. So it was one huge, frickin' surprise when suddenly my d.i.c.k was swallowed whole by his magnificent, hot mouth.

I fought for control, and tried to stop from spurting into his mouth immediately.

"Oh, s.h.i.t. Oh, s.h.i.t. Please don't stop."

My eyes felt like the lids were superglued together and my hands flailed around, searching desperately for something to hold onto. My hand touched warmth and I grasped the back of Jay's head as he pushed down. The head of my d.i.c.k b.u.mped against the back of his mouth. A moment of sweet suction followed, then the slow backward pull, as his mouth slid up the length of my shaft, back to the head, where he swirled his tongue around for a moment before sticking it in the slit. I felt my control begin to fray rapidly.

"Jay, man. I'm struggling here. Oh my G.o.d!" I felt him hum, deep in his throat, creating an amazing vibration that undulated down my length. "Pull off now, man, or I'll come in your mouth." My eyes were watering, I was holding on so tight. "Last warning, Jay."

Finally I could stand it no longer. My eyes flew open and I looked down to the most marvelous sight in the world. Jay's head was bobbing over my c.o.c.k, his mouth stretched full and his eyes trained on my face, watching my reaction. I was coming in his mouth before I had even registered the sight of my flesh disappearing inside his body, past those pink and swollen lips of his. One of his hands was wrapped around the base of my c.o.c.k, holding it steady, but his other hand was shoved down the front of his open jeans, moving rapidly as he jerked himself to climax.

Jay continued to suck and swallow until I was sure my brains were being pulled out the end of my d.i.c.k. He slurped and pulled off, then buried his face in my stomach as his own body shook and reached completion. I was limp, exhausted, and completely blown away, but I trailed my hand through his hair over and over until he stopped shivering.

Only then did I realize what we had done. My scrambled brain tried to put itself back together to work out the enormity. Where the h.e.l.l did Jay and I go from here?

I wasn't sure if I was ready to jump out and announce to the world that I was A-1, no-doubts-about-it, sure-as-sure, queer-as-folk gay. Having a boyfriend was pretty much tantamount to announcing it to the world-so did I want Jay as my out-there-and-proud-of-it boyfriend?

Would Jay be willing to keep it "behind closed doors," so to speak? We could be mates in public and more than mates in private. And-oh, G.o.d-what did being more than mates entail? I'd had a.n.a.l s.e.x with two other guys, it was true, but did I want to do that with Jay? I'd been rather drunk on the two other occasions. Both times I'd received, you know, bottomed I think they call it. It was okay, but nothing to write home about. Did Jay want to do that to me? Did Jay want me to do that to him? I had never topped-it didn't look all that complicated, but what if it were? How do you go about asking a guy what was his preference?

So would Jay settle for friends with an occasional b.l.o.w. .j.o.b? Could I settle for that and be satisfied?

Could we even be friends anymore? Maybe Jay wouldn't want to keep up any sort of relationship-friendship or otherwise. How awkward.

I lay there with a hundred-million thoughts running through my head, when finally Jay moved. I tugged on his hair lightly, bringing him up over my chest and under my chin where we could hug and snuggle for a bit. Jay came willingly, curling into my body and keeping me warm while I ran my hands up and down his back.

The silence became strained, both of us unsure what to say to the other. Finally the absurdity of it got to me.

"s.h.i.t, Jay. You are the one with verbal diarrhea, you should be able to say something first."

He giggled in my arms. "I was trying desperately to think of something to say that won't get my a.r.s.e kicked and thrown out your front door in the next thirty seconds."

My arms tightened around his body. "Will never happen. I have no idea what that was and how that changes things between you and me, but I'm not kicking you out, buddy."

He propped his head up on my chest. "No?"

"Nah-ah."

Still he hesitated over his next words. "So, are we still friends?"

My hand was tracing his spine from the collar of his shirt to the waistband of his jeans and back up again. "I was going to ask you the same question." His fingers came up to outline my lips, sending shivers down my spine. My d.i.c.k responded with a you have got to be joking, no way, dude! Jay had sucked him dry.

"Well, I guess you can say my vote is for more of this, but I understand if you're going to freak out about it. I would rather just have our friendship than nothing at all, if you don't want to take this any further. I know you said you wanted to 'explore,' but I can understand if you want to draw a halt to everything."

I sighed. What did I really want? I could all too easily see me waking up to his gorgeous face every morning. He was easy to spend time with, and I resented the quick thirty-minutes per day we managed on the train. He made me laugh; he made me happy; he made me want to be a better person. But did I want to face up to the other stuff that went along with all that outside the bedroom? Did I want to admit I was gay and have to fight for respect? Did I want to cause my family pain-because it surely would. Dad would hate it, and even if the others accepted it, there would be discord between them and Dad over the issue. I would become an outsider in my own family. There would be awkwardness.

And what about other things? I wouldn't be able to hold Jay's hand in public without inviting stares and criticism. Would I be able to take Jay as my "date" to Ben's wedding? What would people say if I took him with me to a football game? What about the Christmas function at work? What about the future beyond that? Marriage? Kids? Growing old?

"I really like you, Jay. Like you both as a person and as... well more than that. Like this, I mean. I'm attracted to you. But I don't know what that means. It's... hard. I'm still sorting through my feelings and I don't know if you want to hang around for that, not knowing if we have any sort of future together."

There was a pause, then Jay inquired, "Do you think your attraction is a 'gay for you' issue?"

"A what?"

He explained, "There is a school of thought that says some people are turned gay by their attraction to a single person. For example, you have a straight guy who falls in love with another guy. He's still straight; he's still attracted to other women and not attracted to men, but he's in love with this single man, regardless of his gender, and so he turns gay, just for this one person. Should that person break up with him, he will never again feel the attraction of gay s.e.x. Hence, 'gay for you.' Do you think that's what you are feeling? Do you think your attraction to me means you are gay? Because I'm not exactly your typical male."

I laughed loudly at his understatement. "No. It's not that. I've been gay before. I mean, I've always felt the attraction to other guys, but I've always fought it. I'm twenty-four now, Jay. I'm sick of fighting against something just because my dad won't approve."

"So, apart from your dad, what else is stopping you from declaring you're gay? If you like guys in that way, then you are gay. There is no shade of gray for me."

I sighed and rolled out from under him, shuffling my way to the edge of the bed. My softened p.e.n.i.s flapped around and I was embarra.s.sed that I had forgotten to zip up, so I tuck him away and tidied up before standing and facing Jay. It felt better to be able to pace and move around. My thoughts and emotions bubbled over and made me jumpy.

"You don't understand. It's not like I haven't tried it before. Being gay, I mean. I've done things with guys-I've made out at parties, given and received a couple of b.l.o.w. .j.o.bs in cars and I've even gone home with a couple of guys. It just doesn't feel... I don't know... complete. It's like something is missing. I've tried it with girls, too. It's not that I'm repulsed by either s.e.x, it's just I don't feel... whole... with them."

Jay was staring at me, trying to understand. At least he wasn't laughing his a.r.s.e off at me. "So you've had a.n.a.l with other guys?"

"Yeah."

"And it didn't absolutely blow your mind?" He sounded flabbergasted.

"See!" I threw my hands up in the air and turned toward the window, staring out at the trail of red taillights I could see snaking down the freeway. "My best friend, Aaron, is the same. He is totally straight, mind you, and cannot understand how s.e.x is not the be-all and end-all of my life. It's not clear-cut to me. I wish it was. But I keep trying to find that elusive powder keg and detonation switch."

Jay rolled off the bed and came to stand next to me, b.u.mping shoulders like he always did. "Hence 'exploring your options,' huh?"

I smiled and pulled him in front of me, curved my body behind his so we could both stare out the window, and rested my chin on his shoulder. "Yeah."

He leaned back in my embrace. "So how was the exploration mission tonight?"

I laughed, kissed his neck, and tongued those h.e.l.la-delicious diamond studs. "The best I can ever remember. Which is why I would love to keep exploring, but I don't want to make any promises I can't keep. Do you understand, Jay? If you don't want to, tell me now, and we can go back to being friends."

He turned in my embrace and looped his arms behind my neck. "I always did want to be an explorer."

Chapter 10.

TRUE TO his word, Jay kept things light while I fought my demons.

He left my place with a simple kiss on my cheek, not pushing or anything. It was me who grabbed him and shoved him up against the wall for a long good-bye kiss that sizzled both of our toes. It felt wonderful to be able to do that. I'm not talking about the fact it was physical one-on-one closeness, or that it was another guy-because I really am gay, you know-it was wonderful because it was Jay.

The following day was Sunday Roast and I arrived in an upbeat, happy mood. Dale and Candice, with baby Isaac, were already there, plus Ben and Alison. I kissed Alison on the cheek.

"Have you found a fill-in bridesmaid yet?"

She grumbled about having to grovel to her sister, but it seemed all was on track now. She was beginning to stress about last minute items-five weeks until the big day, and counting. I shook Dad's hand and he slapped me on the back, jovial because his football team was about to start playing, and mine had lost last night. Ben had already staked his place in front of the TV, ready for the game, as Dad and Ben went for the same team. I had picked another team to go for-deliberate on my behalf-a teenage rebellion against my father.

Mum came forward for a brief hug and I kissed her, and waited for her opening line.

"Hi, sweetie. You didn't bring anyone with you this month?"