He gave me a fake, put-upon face. "I'll have you know that Daisy is a masterpiece of engineering. She is a cla.s.sic Mini Cooper and worth a lot of money."

I shook my head at his naivete and checked out her rear. "Dude, I think they're worth a lot of money when they aren't full of rust and dents and aren't held together with masking tape. Although, while I have to admit the pink fluffy dice hanging from the rearview mirror and the plastic flower hanging from the aerial does help drive the price up, I'm not sure if the rainbow flag in the window will do much for her."

"Oh, p.i.s.s off and get in, you w.a.n.ker! There's only one piece of tape on her b.u.mper, and it's duct tape, not masking tape. Just like MacGyver uses. I love my car and when I make a million dollars I'm going to do her up just right. But for now I'm a poor man."

I chuckled and squeezed into the pa.s.senger seat. The inside of the car was neat and tidy, but rusty and broken. I had at last thrown away the crutches and I was glad because I would've probably had to stick them out the window to be able to fit in the cramped interior. Jay waited while I fastened my seatbelt, and we zoomed off.

Being closer to the ground than most other cars, it seemed as if we were flying through the streets, but I watched closely as Jay drove-an obsession since the accident until I knew the driver-and he was extremely competent. He shifted smoothly and kept well within the speed limit. His attention didn't wander from the road and he didn't pull out in front of cars like some people had a habit of doing. Of course, since it was Jay, his mouth never stopped moving while he was doing all this and his free hand frequently waved around, elucidating his point, but I never felt unsafe.

The house he pulled up at was pretty typical for the area-brick and tile, single story, decent-sized block, average garden. Jay had told me he lived with his mother, and his two older sisters lived nearby. Inside, Carol greeted me with a warm hug and told me we were having lasagna and salad for dinner. I a.s.sured her I loved lasagna and she flitted off to get me a beer while Jay introduced me to his sister, Jackie.

Jackie was... surprising. There was a family resemblance but she was nothing like Jay. It was as if someone forgot to tell her that you are supposed to grow past the age of nine. She was tiny-she barely came up to my chest. She had the same slender frame as Jay and his mother and that just made her seem even smaller. She was perfectly in proportion, just... pint-size. And I should've guessed her personality immediately. To make up for her size she had twice the amount of temperament and everything about her said, "Don't mess with me if you want to keep your nuts." From the tips of her chunky combat boots to the black spikes in her hair she screamed, "Watch out!"

She folded her arms across her chest and looked me up and down. Her voice was abrasive and she spat out her words like kitchen knives. "So you're Liam, huh?"

No one has ever accused me of being a coward. And besides, if she yelled at me too much, I could just pick her up and push her through the cat door. "William Gregory Turner at your service, ma'am. Your service and Jay's service. If you have a need, I will have the trusty steed and come racing."

She didn't crack a smile-just glared in my direction. "I understand you can't race anywhere. Your leg doesn't work, or something?"

I put my hand dramatically to my chest and sighed, "Alas and alack. My fair maiden, you are correct. But I can walk. So if you could just hold the dragon still until I can limp over, I will slay him for you."

"You're full of s.h.i.t, do you know that?"

I rolled my eyes, heaving a sigh again. "I know. It has been mentioned on many occasions to me. But what can I say? You are what you eat."

The sound of crickets chirping could be heard in the silence. Carol and Jay looked at me in horror, as if I had done something wrong. Didn't anyone ever stand up to this mini-terror?

She frowned at me and her voice was flat when she replied, "William? I thought your name was Liam?"

"I'm named after my father. He is William or Will, so my parents call me by the second part of the name, Liam."

"If your parents wanted to call you Liam, why did they name you William? Why not just Liam?"

"I don't know. I have my mother on speed dial if you would like to call and ask her."

Those crickets sounded really loud in the silence as Jay and Carol held their breath. Jackie and I stared at each other, she a.s.sessing me, me daring her to say whatever she wanted. She tried one more time to yank my chain.

"Why don't you have a driver's license?"

I could see she was just trying to rile me up. So I dished back to her. "Probably the same reason why you never grew any taller than four foot nine. I was too scared."

Even the crickets held their breath this time.

Finally the side of her mouth jerked up. She flicked her eyes to Jay, and she gave me her stamp of approval. "I like him. You can keep him around." She stomped out of the room on her four-inch rubber soles and Jay spun in my direction. His eyes were as wide as his mouth.

"You... you.... Oh my Gawd! She actually likes you! Is the sky green? Has the gra.s.s turned purple? Am I going to vote for Labor at the next election? I can't believe it!"

I smiled at his reaction. "Really? You don't vote Labor?"

He slapped me lightly on the chest as he walked past. "Daahling. Remember the poor hairless bunnies? How could I vote anything but Greens? Now follow me. I have a wonderful present for you in my room."

He led me down the pa.s.sageway to his room where he immediately opened a drawer and began rummaging. His room was startling. I knew that Jay's personality was over-the-top, but his room was ten times more. It was painted stark white, fitted out with white furniture, and then decorated like someone had come in and thrown splashes of brightly colored paint everywhere. The posters and pictures that decorated the wall were eclectic and vivid-from Van Gogh's Starry Night to a celebrity shot of Kiss in full makeup. A white wicker chair in the corner was stuffed with cushions in magenta, neon blue, and royal purple. Scarves and jackets were draped over the edge of wardrobe doors, thrown over furniture or just left on the floor where they fell, and a large pin-up board was filled with photos of Jay and a whole bunch of people I a.s.sumed were his friends. There were hooks drilled into the walls where bags hung, a giant stuffed panda was sitting next to the door, and a didgeridoo was propped up in the corner.

I looked around and counted two wardrobes and two sets of drawers as well as an old-fashioned vanity table with light bulbs edging the mirror like a backstage dressing room. But something was missing. I turned around, trying to work out what it was. Jay had found his lost item and was holding out a gray tube. I ignored him and swept my gaze around the room.

"Uhh... no bed? Where do you sleep?"

He chuckled. "Oh, this is just my dressing room. I have another room for sleeping and all my other stuff."

I stared at him in disbelief. "Other stuff? Dressing room?"

He placed his arm on my shoulder. "Daahling. This room is just for my clothes. I have an entire bathroom full of makeup and beauty products as well as a room for my bed, computer, books, and music. Do I really look like a minimalist decorator to you?"

My mind boggled at the thought of how much gear Jay had acc.u.mulated in his short life and I took the gray tube off him without thinking. I focused on it. "Moisturizer?"

Jay plucked it out of my hands, and before I could protest, he had popped the lid, squeezed some white cream out, and was smoothing it across my cheeks. I stood still, enjoying the closeness of Jay's body and the feel of his fingers across my skin. "This is great stuff. And I bought the man-cream for you because I know you would go all funny over a tube for women. But it's just the same. Now you just need to put it on your face and your neck twice a day and your skin will practically glow! It's suitable for your skin after you have shaved... mmm... your freshly shaved skin here is giving me shivers and all sorts of ideas I shouldn't really be having about you. So just make sure you put it on in an upward direction like this. And when you have seen how great your skin will be, I will introduce you to the next one. Toner! I'm sure you will love it. And if you have some time one day maybe I can do a facial mask on you and maybe a bit of plucking...."

I pulled away out of his reach. "Jay, stop! Seriously? You think I'm going to let you pluck anything on me?"

"Just a few hairs. It doesn't hurt much at all. I won't do a full wax or anything."

I shuddered. "I appreciate it, dude. But it's not me, if you know what I mean?" Jay pouted and I couldn't resist his cute puppy-dog eyes. "Okay! I'll think about it. Just give me the d.a.m.n cream to use for now and I'll get back to you on the other stuff."

The slamming of a door and raised voices cut short our conversation and Jay grinned like an idiot. "The rest of the family is here. Come and meet them."

In a flurry of "h.e.l.los" and introductions I met Jay's oldest sister, Jacey, and her husband, Trevor, along with their daughters, Tabitha and Erin.

Miss Sour-Puss Jackie watched with an expression of world-weariness, so I shot her a smirk. "Really? Your mother called you kids Jacey, Jackie, and Jamie and you give me c.r.a.p for the William-Liam scenario?"

She was saved from answering when a querulous voice, raised over the cacophony, asked, "Now where is this heroic savior I have heard so much about?"

Jay raced over and engulfed a tiny, wizened old lady leaning heavily on a wooden walking stick. "Grandma!" I watched her wrinkled smile crack the large grooves in her face as she embraced her grandson. I could see the obvious affection she held for Jay. Even Jackie unwound enough to greet her grandmother and give her a kiss.

Jay guided her forward and formally introduced me. "Grandma, this is Liam Turner who saved my unworthy b.u.t.t from goons the other night. Liam, I am proud to introduce you to my grandmother, Lacey Berris."

I held out my hand and it was gripped by a surprisingly firm arthritic hand. "Good to meet you, boy. You can just call me Grandma like the rest of them. Now help me over to that chair and sit beside me so I can interrogate you." She cackled and I had to laugh as I helped her sit. She waved the rest of the family away and we sat in relative privacy as she turned her sharp eyes on me.

"Why did you do it, boy?"

"Uhh... do what?"

"Run in there and save my grandson's b.u.t.t?"

I was confused. "Should I have just left him to be beaten up?"

"Jamie tells me there were dozens of others who did. Why did you involve yourself?"

I clasped my hands together and stared at the floor. "To be truthful, I didn't mean to. I mean, it wasn't a conscious decision. I just recognized Jay and next thing I knew I was over there pushing those idiots away from Jay. They were hurting him and I just reacted instinctively."

Grandma sat contemplating me for a moment. Those faded but sharp eyes missed nothing. "You don't look like a fool."

"Uhh... thanks?"

"Do you like my grandson?"

"Sure. He's great. Completely wacky and suffers from a bad case of verbal diarrhea-his description, not mine-but he's a good sort. No malice or anger in him."

She nodded and took my hand in hers, turning it over and running her gnarled fingers over my palm. "You don't seem like one of those useless twinks that Jamie has brought home in the past."

Well, s.h.i.t. What the h.e.l.l can I say to that? "No, ma'am."

"What do you do for a living, boy?"

"I studied Accounting. I need to go and do my training, but for now I'm working in the Finance Department of BHP."

"Do you live with your parents?"

"No, ma'am. I bought an apartment in the new development over near the train station."

"Do you have any siblings?"

"I'm the fourth of five boys."

"Hmm." She nodded and smoothed her hand over my palm again. "So what are you planning to do with your life? Do you want kids?"

I choked on air. Kids? "I haven't really thought about it. I guess so. But what kid would want a cripple for a father? I can't run and jump around a football field. A kid needs a father who can do things like that."

The wrinkled skin where Grandma's eyebrows used to be rose up, heading toward her shock of white hair. "What kid wants a cripple for a father? I bet you a kid that has no father would. I bet you a kid whose biological father beats her and drinks himself into a stupor would. There are many children out there in foster care that need adoption, my boy. Being a so-called cripple like you or a gay fairy like Jay is nothing to them. They just want someone to love them."

Carol called us for dinner then, and we all gathered around the table, squeezed in to enjoy our meal. It was delicious, and conversation kept to a minimum for three minutes. Then Erin, who was only three, dumped her plate on the floor and it broke the trance the family was obviously under. Within two ticks of the clock it was clear to me that those three minutes at the beginning of the meal was the family putting on their best manners.

A royal hullabaloo ensued as everyone began to talk at once, simultaneously carrying on two separate conversations each.

"Oh, Jacey. I wish you could teach your daughter better manners."

"Shut up, Jackie. After you have had your YOLO moment and find out you are pregnant to six different guys at the same time, you'll find out how hard it is."

"YOLO? What's that?"

"Pregnant? Who's pregnant?"

"Mummy! Tabitha poked me!"

"You Only Live Once. YOLO."

"How can I get pregnant to six guys at once?"

"This is a great meal, Carol. Much better than last time."

"I don't know, but I'm sure you'll invent a way."

"I'm not pregnant. I use birth control, unlike some people."

"Mummy! Erin spilt my drink!"

"Yes, I used that proper cheese this time."

"Tabitha! Don't poke your sister."

"Yeah, Jackie. You are so going to get pregnant."

"I'll get a cloth."

"You're just jealous."

"Mummy!"

"I'm so glad I don't have to worry about birth control."

"YOLO? How stupid."

"Did I tell you what happened to Mae?"

"She's not pregnant, is she?"

It was like being in some sort of alien world. I watched the conversation bounce around me with fascination. I was from a large family, but this was ridiculous. No wonder Jay was crazy. I felt a tap on my arm and turned to Trevor seated beside me.

"It's like watching a car crash, isn't it? You just can't look away." His voice was low enough to not carry. I realized he had been sitting there eating his meal while the world around him exploded. Jackie was on her feet, trying to get her point across, Jay was swinging his fork wildly around, and Grandma was stomping her walking stick on the ground for emphasis. No one paid Trevor or me the tiniest bit of attention.

"Are they... always like this?"

He scooped another mouthful of lasagna and nodded sadly. "I'm so glad you are here, though. Tell me, do you watch AFL?"

Jacey screeched as Jackie insulted her, Grandma pointed a bent finger at Tabitha, and Carol gestured as she told an improbable story about a friend who had just fallen pregnant at fifty. I did my best to tune them out as Trevor and I discussed coaching styles and injuries to our favorite players.

The mayhem continued through dessert, with the Jackie/Jacey/Jamie combination barely pausing for breath. Things were a bit quieter as the dishes were done and the two-conversations-at-once brigade was confined to the kitchen while Grandma napped in a big comfy chair. Trevor and I were given babysitting duties in the lounge room and were thankfully exempt from cleaning up.

Finally Erin crawled onto her father's lap and began to nod off, too, so Trevor called his family together, gathered up Grandma, and departed. Jacey's parting comment was something about Jackie needing to be checked for syphilis, which blew Jackie's temper sky-high and she stormed away in her car. I was feeling like a couple of shots of scotch would be welcome, when Jay turned to me.

"Oops. Sorry. I should've warned you, huh?"

My ears were ringing from the sudden lack of noise. "Ahh... yeah. Umm."

He squeezed my arm. "Just give me a sec to grab my keys and I'll get you out of here. Mum! I'm taking Liam home, now. Mum?"

I thanked Carol for dinner and was invited to come back anytime. I am not sure how I managed to not say, "h.e.l.l, no!" but Carol didn't take offence at my nonanswer mumble. I guess I'm exaggerating a bit. The meal was nice and everyone was very nice, but I wasn't prepared for the noise. I guess next time I would be.

Next time?