In the evening, after returning home, we were sitting by the fire, feeling comfortable and chatty, when I proposed to Mrs. Hitching the following enigma from the pen of the late Henry Mayhew:--

The Vide Vorld you may search, and my fellow not find; I dwells in a Wacuum, deficient in Vind; In the Wisage I'm seen--in the Woice I am heard, And yet I'm inwisible, gives went to no Vurd.

I'm not much of a Vag, for I'm vanting in Vit; But distinguished in Werse for the Wollums I've writ.

I'm the head of all Willains, yet far from the Vurst-- I'm the foremost in Wice, though in Wirtue the first.

I'm not used to Veapons, and ne'er goes to Vor; Though in Walour inwincible--in Wictory sure; The first of all Wiands and Wictuals is mine-- Rich in Wen'son and Weal, but deficient in Vine.

To Wanity given, I in Welwets abound; But in Voman, in Vife, and in Vidow ain't found: Yet conspicuous in Wirgins, and I'll tell you, between us, To persons of taste I'm a bit of a Wenus; Yet none take me for Veal--or for Voe in its stead, For I ranks not among the sweet Voo'd, Vun, and Ved!

Before the recital of the enigma was half completed, Mrs. Hitching laughed heartily--she saw, of course, the meaning of it--that it was a play upon the c.o.c.kney error of using the V instead of the W, and the latter instead of the V. Several times, as I proceeded, she exclaimed "_H_excellent! _h_excellent!" and when I had finished, she remarked that is was very "_h_ingenious," and enough to "_h_open the _h_eyes" of the c.o.c.kneys to their stupid and vulgar manner of speaking.

A more difficult and delicate task lay before me. I told her that as she was so much pleased with the first enigma, I would submit another by the same author. I felt very nervous, but determined to proceed:

I dwells in the Herth, and I breathes in the Hair; If you searches the Hocean, you'll find that I'm there.

The first of all Hangels, in Holympus am Hi, Yet I'm banished from 'Eaven, expelled from on 'Igh.

But though on this Horb I am destined to grovel, I'm ne'er seen in an 'Ouse, in an 'Ut, nor an 'Ovel; Not an 'Oss nor an 'Unter e'er bears me, alas!

But often I'm found on the top of a Ha.s.s.

I resides in a Hattic, and loves not to roam, And yet I'm invariably absent from 'Ome.

Though 'ushed in the 'Urricane, of the Hatmosphere part, I enters no 'Ed, I creeps into no 'Art.

Only look, and you'll see in the Heye I appear, Only 'ark, and you'll 'ear me just breathe in the Hear; Though in s.e.x not an 'E, I am (strange paradox!) Not a bit of an 'Eifer, but partly a Hox.

Of Heternity Hi'm the beginning! And, mark, Though I goes not with Noah, I am first in the Hark.

I'm never in 'Ealth--have with Fysic no power; I dies in a Month, but comes back In a Hour!

In re-citing the above I strongly emphasized the misplaced _h_'s.

After a brief pause, Mrs. Hitchings exclaimed, "Very good; very clever." I then determined to complete my task by repeating the following enigma upon the same letter written by Miss Catherine Fanshawe and often erroneously attributed to Byron:

'Twas whispered in heaven, 'twas muttered in h.e.l.l, And echo caught faintly the sound as it fell; On the confines of earth 'twas permitted to rest, And the depths of the ocean its presence confessed.

'Twill be found in the sphere when 'tis riven asunder, Be seen in the lightning, and heard in the thunder.

'Twas allotted to man with his earliest breath, Attends at his birth, and awaits him in death; It presides o'er his happiness, honour, and health, Is the prop of his house, and the end of his wealth.

In the heaps of the miser 'tis h.o.a.rded with care, But is sure to be lost on his prodigal heir.

It begins every hope, every wish it must bound, With the husbandman toils, with the monarch is crowned.

Without it the soldier and seaman may roam, But woe to the wretch who expels it from home.

In the whispers of conscience its voice will be found, Nor e'en in the whirlwind of pa.s.sion be drowned.

'Twill not soften the heart, and though deaf to the ear, 'Twill make it acutely and instantly hear.

But in shade let it rest, like a delicate flower-- Oh, breathe on it softly--it dies in an hour.

She was much pleased, but seemed thoughtful, and once or twice in conversation checked herself, and corrected herself in the p.r.o.nunciation of words that were difficult to her.

A few days afterwards., I called upon her, and upon being introduced to the parlour to wait for her appearance, I saw lying upon her table the following:

MEMORANDUM ON THE USE OF THE LETTER H.

p.r.o.nounce--Herb, 'Erb.

" Heir, 'Eir.

" Honesty, 'Onesty.

" Honour, 'Onour.

" Hospital, 'Ospital.

" Hostler, 'Ostler.

" Hour, 'Our.

" Humour, 'Umour.

" Humble, 'Umble.

" Humility, 'Umility.

_In all other cases the H is to be sounded when it begins a word._

_Mem_.--Be careful to sound the _H_ slightly in such words as w_h_ere, w_h_en, w_h_at, w_h_y--don't say were, wen, wat, wy.

I am happy to say that it is now a pleasure to hear Mrs. Hitching's conversation. I only hope that others may improve as she has done.

[GLa.s.s MANUFACTURING IN ENGLAND A.D. 1457.]

216. Conversation.

There are many talkers, but few who know how to converse agreeably.

Speak distinctly, neither too rapidly nor too slowly. Accommodate the pitch of your voice to the hearing of the person with whom you are conversing. Never speak with your mouth full. Tell your jokes, and laugh afterwards. Dispense with superfluous words--such as, "Well, I should think," etc.

[TABACCO BROUGHT TO ENGLAND FROM VIRGINIA A.D. 1588.]

217. The Woman who wishes her conversation to be agreeable

will avoid conceit or affectation, and laughter which is not natural and spontaneous, Her language will be easy and unstudied, marked by a graceful carelessness, which, at the same time, never oversteps the limits of propriety. Her lips will readily yield to a pleasant smile; she will not love to hear herself talk; her tones will bear the impress of sincerity, and her eyes kindle with animation as she speaks. The art of pleasing is, in truth, the very soul of good breeding; for the precise object of the latter is to render us agreeable to all with whom we a.s.sociate--to make us, at the same time, esteemed and loved.

[TELESCOPES INVENTED IN GERMANY A.D. 1590.]

218. Rudeness.

We need scarcely advert to the rudeness of interrupting any one who is speaking, or to the impropriety of pushing, to its full extent, a discussion which has become unpleasant.

219. Pedantry.

Some Men have a Mania for Greek and Latin quotations: this is peculiarly to be avoided. It is like pulling up the stones from a tomb wherewith to kill the living. Nothing is more wearisome than pedantry.

220. Proportion.

If you feel your Intellectual Superiority to any one with whom you are conversing, do not seek to bear him down: it would be an inglorious triumph, and a breach of good manners. Beware, too, of speaking lightly of subjects which bear a sacred character.

221. Writing and Talking.

It is a Common Idea that the art of writing and the art of conversation are one; this is a great mistake. A man of genius may be a very dull talker.