"And you'll lose him-sure to lose him."

Judging from Mr. Snooks' countenance it would have been small damage if he did.

"Ve-ry well," continued Locust, after a pause, "ve-ry well-just so."

Then he looked at the copy of the writ and perceived that it was dated eighteen hundred and ninety something instead of eighteen hundred and seventy something. So he said that the writ was wrong and they ought not to appear; "by which means," said he, "we shall let them in at the start for a lot of costs-we shall let them in."

"And will that stash the action?" asked Snooks.

"It will not stash ours," said Locust. "I suppose you mean to go on whether he does or not? Your claim is for a.s.sault and slander."

"As you please, sir."

"No, no, as you please. I have not been called a thief-they haven't said that I sell short weight and cheat and defraud the poor: _my_ business will not be ruined-_my_ character is not at stake."

"Let un have it, sir; he be a bad un," and here he rose to depart. Mr.

Locust gave him a professional shake of the hand and wished him good day.

But as the door was just about to be closed on his client, he remembered something which he desired to ask, so he called, "Mr. Snooks!"

"Sir," said the client.

"Is there any truth in the statement that this b.u.mpkin beats his wife?"

"I doant rightly know," said Snooks, in a hesitating voice; "it may be true. I shouldn't wonder-he's just the sort o' man."

"Just enquire about that, will you?"

"I wool, sir," said Snooks; and thus his interview with his Solicitor terminated.

Now the result of the enquiries as to the domestic happiness of b.u.mpkin was this; first, the question floated about in a vague sort of form, "_Does b.u.mpkin beat his wife_?" then it grew into "_Have you heard that b.u.mpkin beats his wife_?" and lastly, it was affirmed that b.u.mpkin "_really did beat his wife_." And the scandal spread so rapidly that it soon reached the ears of plaintiff himself, who would have treated it with the contempt it deserved, knowing the quarter whence it came, but that it was so gross a calumny that he determined to give the lying Snooks no quarter, and to press his action with all the energy at his command.

After this there could be no compromise.

"I wish," said Snooks to himself, as he smoked his pipe that evening, "I could a worked one o' them there innerenders in my trade-I could a made summut on him."

CHAPTER VI.

Showing how the greatest wisdom of Parliament may be thrown away on ungrateful people.

The first skirmish between the two doughty champions of the hostile forces took place over the misdated writ. Judgment was signed for want of appearance; and then came a summons to set it aside. The Judge set it aside, and the Divisional Court set aside the Judge, and the Court of Appeal set aside the Divisional Court upon the terms of the defendant paying the costs, and the writ being amended, &c. &c. And I saw that when the Judge in Chambers had hesitatingly and "not without grave doubt"

set aside the judgment, Mr. Prigg said to Mr. Locust, "What a very nice point!" And Mr. Locust replied:

"A very nice point, indeed! Of course you'll appeal?" And Mr. Quibbler, Mr. Locust's pleader, said, "A very neat point!"

"Oh dear, yes," answered Mr. Prigg.

And then Mr. Prigg's clerk said to Mr. Locust's clerk-"What a very nice point!" And Mr. Locust's clerk rejoined that it was indeed a very nice point! And then Mr. Locust's boy in the office said to Mr. Prigg's boy in the office, "What a very nice point!" And Mr. Prigg's boy, a pale tall lad of about five feet six, and of remarkably quiet demeanour, replied-

"A dam nice point!"

Next came letters from the respective Solicitors, suggesting a compromise in such terms that compromise became impossible; each affirming that he was so averse from litigation that almost any amicable arrangement that could be come to would be most welcome. Each required a sum of two hundred pounds and an apology in six morning papers. And I saw at the foot of one of Mr. Prigg's letters, when the hope of compromise was nearly at an end, these touching words:

"b.u.mpkin's blood's up!"

And at the end of the answer thereto, this very expressive retort:

"You say b.u.mpkin's blood is up; so is Snooks'-do your worst!"

As I desire to inform the lay reader as to the interesting course an action may take under the present expeditious mode of procedure, I must now state what I saw in my dream. The course is sinuosity itself in appearance, but that only renders it the more beautiful. The reader will be able to judge for himself of the simple method by which we try actions nowadays, and how very delightful the procedure is. The first skirmish cost Snooks seventeen pounds six shillings and eight-pence. It cost b.u.mpkin only three pounds seventeen shillings, or _one heifer_. Now commenced that wonderful process called "Pleading," which has been the delight and the pride of so many ages; developing gradually century by century, until at last it has perfected itself into the most beautiful system of evasion and duplicity that the world has ever seen. It ranks as one of the fine Arts with Poetry and Painting. A great Pleader is truly a great Artist, and more imaginative than any other. The number of summonses at Chambers is only limited by his capacity to invent them.

Ask any respectable solicitor how many honest claims are stifled by proceedings at Chambers. And if I may digress in all sincerity for the purpose of usefulness, I may state that while recording my dream for the Press, Solicitors have begged of me to bring this matter forward, so that the Public may know how their interests are played with, and their rights stifled by the iniquitous system of proceedings at Chambers.

The Victorian age will be surely known as the Age of Pleading, Poetry, and Painting.

First, the Statement of Claim. Summons at Chambers to plead and demur; summons to strike out; summons to let in; summons to answer, summons not to answer; summonses for all sorts of conceivable and inconceivable objects; summonses for no objects at all except costs. And let me here say Mr. Prigg and Mr. Locust are not alone blameable for this: Mr.

Quibbler, Mr. Locust's Pleader, had more to do with this than the Solicitor himself. And so had Mr. Wrangler, the Pleader of Mr. Prigg.

But without repeating what I saw, let the reader take this as the line of proceeding throughout, repeated in at least a dozen instances:-

The Judge at Chambers reversed the Master;

The Divisional Court reversed the Judge;

And the Court of Appeal reversed the Divisional Court.

And let this be the chorus:-

"What a very nice point!" said Prigg;

"What a very nice point!" said Locust;

"What a very nice point!" said Gride (Prigg's clerk);

"What a d--- nice point!" said Horatio! (the pale boy).

Summons for particulars.-Chorus.

Further and better particulars.-Chorus.

Interrogatories-Summons to strike out.-Chorus.

Summons for further and better answers.-Chorus.

More summonses for more, further, better, and all sorts of things.-Chorus.

All this repeated by the other side, of course; because each has his proper innings. There is great fairness and impartiality in the game.

Something was always going up from the foot of this Jacob's ladder called "the Master" to the higher regions called the Court of Appeal. The simplest possible matter, which any old laundress of the Temple ought to have been competent to decide by giving both the parties a box on the ear, was taken before the Master, from the Master to the Judge, from the Judge to the Divisional Court, and from the Divisional Court to the Court of Appeal, at the expense of the unfortunate litigants; while Judges, who ought to have been engaged in disposing of the business of the country, were occupied in deciding legal quibbles and miserable technicalities.