'So you can talk?'

'I can whisper.'

'Well?'

'Oh La, when I got back from the Madonna Inn he just walked straight up to me and kissed me!'

'What did you do?' I gasp, feeling a little fluttery myself, imagining the impact of his affection.

'I couldn't stop crying.'

'In a good way?' I check.

'Oh yes! It felt like this ma.s.sive relief to be with him. I don't think I've ever been so happy.'

My heart feels weirdly tugged in two directions: exhilaration for her and pure envy.

'Enjoy every second,' I urge her.

'Oh I will! What are you doing now?'

I don't want to tell her that I'm sitting by myself, staring out at a black sea so I say, 'Just about to take a moonlight yoga cla.s.s.'

'Oh. Well, have fun. Don't get stuck in any compromising positions!'

'I won't,' I laugh. 'Say hi to Ty for me.'

'Hold on, he's here.'

'Lara?' There's that familiar rumble.

'Hi!' I smile. 'I hear things are going well!'

'They really are. And it's all because of you what you said to me that day.'

'Don't be silly,' I shush him. 'You two would have worked it out in your own time. You're meant to be together.'

'Well, I'll agree with that last bit,' he concedes. 'But thank you anyway. We're seeing you at the fundraiser, right?'

'Yes, definitely.'

'Good. Sleep well, honey.'

'Night!' Sasha calls in the background.

I flip the phone closed.

For the next hour I just sit and stare out to sea. The quieter I am, the more aware I become of the rush and slap of the water below me. If I listen closely it's almost as if I can hear my own name.

'Lara ...'

There it is again. Louder this time. I look around me. No one there. Great. Now I'm hearing voices.

'Over here!'

Staying rooted to the bench, I lean forward and peer into the darkness. Still nothing. Then over to my left a bush parts and a lone figure emerges.

'Elliot! What are you doing here?' I scramble to my feet.

'I had to come.'

I go to hug him, then I remember I hate him.

'Elise is -' What do I say? I don't want him walking in on them, that's just cruel. 'Doing a late cla.s.s, I think.'

'It's you I've come to see.'

I get a flicker of hope an apology and a promise to be my dance partner for all eternity would do the trick right now. Instead he sits at the edge of the bench looking like a condemned man.

Finally he speaks, his voice a mere croak. 'Do you love him?'

I raise my eyebrows. 'Joel?'

'Yes Joel,' he says impatiently.

'What if I did?' I challenge him.

He hangs his head, looking beaten.

I soften my voice. 'What if I don't?'

My heart beats loudly in my ears as I take a step closer to him. I've never felt so near the verge will he catch me if I fall?

Elliot looks up at me with tortured eyes. 'All these years, Lara, it was always you I thought I'd marry.'

I try not to lose my footing and plunge in the ocean. What?! When did he think that? How could I have missed that vital sentiment?

I daren't speak for fear of waking from the dream I must be in.

'When I first met you I just thought, I'm gonna get all my c.r.a.ppy relationship stuff out of the way and then I'm gonna fall at your feet and beg you to marry me.'

I open my mouth and then close it again. Our ten-year past has just taken on a different hue. I don't know where to begin. Eventually I manage to form a question.

'When did you change your mind?' I ask in a small voice.

Elliot looks confused. 'What do you mean?'

'You proposed to Elise, not me.' I can't say it any plainer than that.

Elliot frowns, looking as if he's having some kind of revelation. 'She proposed to me.'

'But you said yes.' He doesn't get off the hook that easily.

'Yes, I did. At the time, having just lost Mum I'm not making excuses, but I don't think I was really present.' He swallows, looking mournful. 'Now I feel like I've taken you for granted for so long. Until this week I've never had to see you with another man ...' his fists clench '... in that way.'

He really is jealous. I can't believe it!

'At least not with anyone you might actually have a future with.' He looks bleaker than ever. 'I suppose he would be considered quite a catch, Joel.'

If he didn't look so tormented I'd smile. All my anger has dispelled and I feel my heart melt. Look at that crumpled face what have I done to him? I long to take him in my arms and tell him that he's the only one for me but I daren't. I'm still not sure what he's saying. I don't think he is either. But this might help...

'Joel and I are just friends. Anything else that was there, is done.'

'So you're not ...' Elliot looks hopeful.

'I'll see him again. He's coming to the fundraiser. But just as a friend.'

Elliot blinks, trying to process the information.

'As far as Elise goes, that's your decision.'

Elliot stares off at the black sea and shakes his head, 'I've always found it so hard to say no to her.'

A cloak shields my heart again. Don't fail me now, Elliot!

'So what now?' I try to remain neutral and in control of my emotions there's jagged edges all around this love, I must beware.

He looks imploringly at me, as though he wants me to tell him what to do.

I stand quietly, keeping my distance though it's killing me. I know Joel would tell me that it has to come from Elliot. And I can trust only his actions. And yet his words weave around my head 'It was always you I thought I'd marry.' It's not too late. The pact isn't broken. Not yet ... Be strong. Choose me!

'Elliot, you came!'

Suddenly Elise is running towards him.

I want to scream, NO! and wrestle her to the ground, but still she advances. I look at Elliot but I can't read his reaction. What's going on? She's obviously expecting him. They must have had an arrangement. Maybe this is part of the plan she was referring to. So he lied this wasn't about me at all. The earth seems to shift and I stumble forward, steadying myself on the bench. I feel sick, as though my heart has been poisoned.

'The minister is here.' Elise notifies him. 'He's all ready.'

Minister? It can't be! Are they getting married now? Is that the plan? My mind speeds out of control maybe the man from Carmel is a minister. That would certainly explain the scandal. But why introduce them to each other? Maybe it's one of Martha's more abstract suggestions. In this place anything is possible: they'd probably see it as the perfect handing over old love for new love. Only the old love is looking pretty sprightly and the new love is on shaky ground.

Elliot looks helpless. He doesn't want to marry her, he said that. Apparently that doesn't mean he won't.

Suddenly I despise him for being so weak. Is he going to go along with her wishes without a fight? I'd fight! I'd fight right now if only I could be sure I wasn't fighting alone.

As Elise pulls him away towards the main building, he turns back and pleads, 'Wait here.'

Then he's gone.

I've never felt so cold.

What just happened? I feel as if I'm having a series of hallucinations. I can't tell what's real. I don't know what or who to believe. Wait here! he says. Won't be a mo just getting married. He didn't even give me his jumper this time. I shiver and try to get a grip. Of course he's not getting married. He can't be. I've got it all wrong. He's just ... I heave a sigh. As hard as I try, I can't come up with an alternative theory. Then I realize I shouldn't have to. Why didn't he just tell me what's going on? Why did he run when she called?

I feel heat burning up from my stomach. I'm angry. Beyond angry. Incensed! Watch out I'm summoning my inner G.o.ddess! Here she comes now.

'You know what?' I say out loud. 'I've waited ten years for you, Elliot. I'm not waiting any more.'

Chapter 39.

I didn't want to break The California Club rules this late in the game but when I double-checked the small print the only condition of my visiting Elise was that I stay overnight. It didn't say where. I chose the car.

And 4am counts as morning, right? I turned on the ignition at the first hint of daylight and drove like the clappers to Tiger Tiger. And I didn't cry. Not once.

My biggest wobble came when I switched to the 10 freeway and saw signs for the airport. 'I just want to go home!' my body yearned. But I told myself that comfort was closer to hand soon I'll have my girls around me. Then I can collapse. But until then I have to hold it together. I overtake a white Ford Focus and move into the fast lane. Before now I've felt timid driving on the freeways, today I dare anyone to cross me. That's the one liberating thing about feeling like this I've got nothing to lose.

And yet my mind keeps going over everything Elliot said. He was so nearly there. It felt like a ten-year courtship was about to come to fruition ten years of conversations on every topic, seeing each other at our best and worst, laughing and crying together, then finally, if a little belatedly, there was slow-dancing and even a kiss. We've come so far and yet there's always something missing, he's never said I love you to me. He talked his way around it, hinted at it, written two out of the three words in my birthday book, but he's never once been direct. I'm wondering if his sudden reservations about Elise could be put down to pure wedding nerves. In the absence of a stripper for him to have a last minute mistake with, he chose me. Other than the fine looking racc.o.o.ns there wasn't a lot of choice. I sigh. At the end of the day, he went with her. How much more of a blunt message do I need?

But why would they get married without their ready-made congregation me, Sasha, Zo and Helen? Does she really have enough power over him to make him turn his back on all of us?

Enough. Think about something else. Anything. I flick on the radio. Okay, I'll be needing a lyric-free station, can't take these wailings about the love I lost. Jazz FM. Perfect. For two minutes. All too soon the free-form tinkerings make me feel I'm going insane so I settle instead for the chirpy trumpets of a local Mexican station.

Finally, Tiger Tiger. Oh, the roar of the cats and the smell of the sun-baked poo. The first face I see is that of Ryan and my heart fair explodes. He understands, I know he does.

'Lara!' Sasha staggers around the corner. 'You're so early!'

'Need a hand?' I help her with the outsize floodlight she's maneuvering. It's one of about ten dotted around the pens.

'Where did you get all this stuff?' I ask.

'Local movie suppliers a couple of them remembered Ty from way back, they've been really generous.'

'They've loaned it all for nothing?'

'Well, Tiger Beer are sponsoring the event so they're going to come along tonight and get tanked.'

'Fair enough.'

'You know who's been amazing?' Sasha shows me where to set down the light. 'Boris!'

'What's he been up to?' I smile. 'You'll see. I don't want to spoil the surprise.' Sasha dusts off her hands.