'I told her I'd bring along a few wealthy friends of mine,' Joel continues. 'See if we can get them drunk enough to make a donation.'

'Lara!' Elise calls over, tapping her watch.

'Go!' he encourages. 'I'll see you tomorrow.'

I wave him off and then turn towards Elise. Here I go, then, about to get in the Family way.

After an initial meditation where I very nearly drop off to sleep, all the women in the group are instructed to hold hands and form a large circle around the cl.u.s.ter of men. The men are then asked to pair up, one taking the role of father, the other the son. Apparently our role is to provide a protective circle of female energy around them so they feel safe. Fine, so far. Then we are all asked to sit down. Better still. The lights dim. Maybe I will get that nap after all. But then I hear what they are asking the men to do the 'father' takes the 'son' in his arms and rocks him and tells him that he loves and is proud of him, that he will always be there for him no matter what. The sight of one grown man cradling another like an infant is quite bizarre. At first I feel uncomfortable to be watching, especially embarra.s.sed for the toddlers but then I see how much they all seem to need to do this, how perhaps only a handful of these guys ever heard what they really needed to from their fathers, and my heart goes out to them.

'Now the women in the center ...' The group leader instructs.

Oh no! I can't partner Elise. I look to my left for an alternative but the skinny redhead has already been snapped up. Surely Elise will refuse to partic.i.p.ate. This is everything she claims to despise.

'Obviously this is completely ridiculous,' she hisses at me under her breath, 'I just play along to keep them happy.'

'Right!' I nod, stepping forward with a sense of dread.

'Mother or daughter?' Elise asks.

I'm torn on the one hand being the daughter just requires being cuddled and cooed over but at the same time I don't want to hear Elise's voice replace my own mother's, not even for a minute.

'Mother,' I decide.

'Okay. You sit down first.'

I sit cross-legged on the floor and wait for Elise to climb into my lap. Other than our perfunctory kisses h.e.l.lo and goodbye I've never really touched her before so it feels odd to have her lean so deliberately on me, and weirder still for me to be placing my arms about her like I cherish her. I pray to Julianne Moore for some acting skills to get me through this.

The group leader waits for us all to settle into position then nods for us to begin. Voices instantly start cooing and encouraging around me. The old devil in me would be tempted to lean close to Elise's ear and curse, 'I always wanted a boy!' but the mood in the room seems strangely sacred. Instead I close my eyes and pretend I am returning the favor to my own mother.

'You are a unique and special gift to me,' I begin, wondering where the words are coming from. 'Wherever you go, please know that I am always loving you, always watching over you in my heart, wishing the very best for you.' Wow. I'm good. I'm a mom! 'I watch everything you do with pride.' I pause, I wonder if Elise's mum knew about her dalliance in Carmel and if she did, did she judge her along with everyone else? Dare I speak the words she may most need to hear? 'I will never judge you, darling. Whatever you do, whoever you choose to love I will support you.' I sneak an eye open expecting to find a sneer on Elise's face but instead I see a tear sliding down her cheek. Oh my G.o.d! My own eyes well up with compa.s.sion. She is human, after all. What do I do now? I look imploringly at the group leader as she pa.s.ses by. She gives me a 'keep going' nod. I squeeze my eyes closed again.

'You'll always be my little girl, Elise.' I surprise myself by saying her name. 'And I'll always be your mum. Your happiness is my priority. Just be happy and you'll make me happy.'

Elise's body starts chugging with sobs in my arms. I've gone too far!

'There, there!' I soothe. Oh b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l! I look frantically around me but I'm not the only one getting a sodden lap. Girls who've never heard their mums say I Love You surround me. I squeeze Elise tighter and she grips me like a vice. I feel my loathing of her morph into pity. What has she been through to end up like this? I think of my own mother, always so easy going about my choices. I never felt an ounce of pressure from her. Fleetingly I wonder if I should rustle up a quick abandonment complex on account of her moving to Spain but realize it's entirely unnecessary. I know I'm loved, she could move to another solar system and I'd still feel that.

Elise suddenly sits upright and wipes her face. 'They're just not content unless you blub here!' she sniffs crossly as the lights come up.

'Are you alright?' I ask.

'Of course! This isn't for real!' She gets to her feet, avoiding eye contact. 'I've got to make a phone call, I'll see you later.'

I watch her hurry out of the room, head down. She's going to call her mum, I'll bet you anything. I look at my watch. She better be a party animal it's 1am in the UK. Hope she doesn't shout at her while she's feeling so vulnerable. I know my mum would just take it in her stride but I don't want to disturb her sleep. I'll call her tomorrow still 24 hours for a B&B miracle to occur. No worries.

I stroll out and a.s.sess the chart for the evening cla.s.ses to see if there's anything that might prove inspirational, while sneaking a sideways glance at the students around me who else can I turn into a blubbering wreck?

'I'm going for the White Lotus Poetry Workshop,' a shrimpy fella informs me.

'Lovely,' I smile. But not for me.

Think Like an Ocean. That sounds groovy. Returning to the Simplicity of Life. Great in theory but I have a feeling the reality means living in a shack. Inner G.o.ddess. Love it there's got to be glitter involved. Self-Betrayal. Bet that's a good 'un high cry potential. Ooh, I like this Life Maps one you do a chart of your life so far to see how you got to where you are today and then use that information to plot your most creative future. The teacher Ann Sayre Wiseman looks nice enough. I reach for the pen to add my name and in doing so see Elise has put herself down for the Radical Honesty workshop running at the same time. That's tempting. She might blurt everything out and save me the trouble of hiring that private detective. I suppose I could always try and catch her directly after ... Then I spot my name in Elise's handwriting under the heading Banish Body Hang-Ups! The cheek of it! I wonder if she's trying to get me back? All the same, it does have a certain appeal. I'll pop along right after dinner.

With just ten of us (including three men) in the group I thought this might be the chance to make some real progress regarding my dimpled thighs. And, you know, if the nudity hadn't been compulsory I might have even stayed for longer than sixty seconds.

I shudder as I get back into the open air. What now? I've missed the start of the Life Map cla.s.s so that's no good. Ritualistic Dance involved covering yourself in clay, as I recall. I could press my ear up against the Radical Honesty workshop. Or maybe I'll just tiptoe back to the room for a sneaky kip I only had a few hours' sleep last night and it's taking its toll.

There's a man (I think) doing a headstand in the corridor and in trying to avoid him I walk straight into a large pair of cushiony b.r.e.a.s.t.s.

'That's it reach out and touch another human being!' Their owner embraces me. 'If you want to be hugged, just reach out!' She squashes me close to her for far too long. She's not wearing a bra.

'Thank you!' I puff, finally extracting myself.

'Any time!' She wobbles on her way.

I shake my head and open the bedroom door, inadvertently bursting in on a couple snogging.

'Oop, sorry! Wrong room!' I scuttle backwards and close the door. Then I pause. Hold on. Room 33. It is the right room. And one of those kissers looked extremely familiar. I open the door again and find the two bodies now perched either end of the bed looking the picture of innocence. Did I just imagine it? I look at Elise. She bolds my gaze shamelessly. I look at the man. Handsome. Grey hair. Fifty-something.

Suddenly I have no idea what I'm doing there.

'Um I just needed my jacket. Going for a walk. Here it is.' I grab it off the back of the chair then scarper.

Unbe-freakin-liveable! No wonder Elise has stuck the week out she's been getting it on with one of the students! Outrageous! I wonder if that's why she needed to talk to me in Yosemite? Was she going to ask me for Elliot's definition of infidelity? Kisses abroad don't count etc. Wow. Talk about fissures Elliot wants to call off the wedding and Elise is kissing other men. I'd be apoplectic on Elliot's behalf were it not for the fact that she's actually doing him a favor. I wonder if I should tell him it would certainly make the break-up easier on him guilt-wise. Then again, after his behavior at the Madonna Inn ... I swivel around trying to wriggle free of my tangled emotions I wish I could deduce how I really feel but everything is so knotted I can't think straight. Does this make Elliot a free man? And if so, how does that affect me? I'm still furious with him for rescinding his offer how could I ever trust him again? Hmmm. Does that mean I'm willing to try? Am I really still hoping he'll come through for me?

'Lara! Wait!'

It's Elise. This should be good. Bring it on, sista! (She's no daughter of mine!) 'It's not what you think!' she says as she hurries up to me.

Nul points for originality on the opening gambit.

I turn to face her and tell her coolly: 'You don't know what I'm thinking.'

For once I have the upper hand.

She stands with her hands on her hips, ready for a confrontation.

'Go on then,' I goad her. 'Tell me that was just a one-on-one healing session with a fellow student!'

'He's not a student,' she a.s.serts.

'Teacher? Ooh nice!' I roll my eyes.

'He's not a teacher.'

'Guru, spirit guide whatever ...' I wave dismissively.

'He's my ex.'

I think for a moment, then check: 'The ex from Carmel?'

She nods.

He's older, yes, but not shockingly so why would everyone be whispering and pointing? I wonder if he's a known crim- 'He came to say goodbye,' she says, wistfully.

'Where's he going?'

'Nowhere,' Elise tuts. 'Goodbye to our past. Martha said I needed some closure-'

'Is that what they're calling it these days!' I can't help but snipe.

Elise takes a deep breath. 'I promised my mother I would never see him again but tonight I realized I have to do what's right for me.'

Oh gawd, that'll be my fault with all the 'if you're happy, I'm happy' roleplay. I should never have got involved.

'In order to give myself fully to Elliot, I had to find a way to let go.' Elise continues.

'Of what, your inhibitions?' I can't stop myself, I've waited too long to snark back at her and now she's given me a prime excuse.

'Yes I kissed him but that's it, the end.' Elise implores me to believe her.

I am utterly unconvinced. 'Is it? What happens when he needs closure on your closure?'

'If you're going to be-'

'What?' I snort. 'Vaguely suspicious when I walk in on my best friend's fiancee kissing some other guy?'

Elise looks down at the ground. For a moment I see the forlorn little girl that was crying in my arms. Oh what's the point in yelling at her? Elliot doesn't want her anyway at least that's what he says she can do what she likes. It's nothing to do with me.

'I'll see you later.' I turn to walk away.

'If you knew what Elliot and I have planned, you wouldn't be so quick to judge.'

There's only one thing that would make sense of her summoning up the love of her life shortly before her marriage to another man. 'Polygamy?' I suggest.

'Oh b.o.l.l.o.c.ks to you!' she spits, turning on her heel.

'Always a pleasure, Elise!' I call after her.

But she doesn't hear.

I stand alone in the darkness. 'What Elliot and I have planned ...' she said. Then it's not done. Apparently they both get to kiss other people but they still have plans together.

As for me, I have no plans at all. I wonder if there's a cla.s.s called How To Cope When You Discover That Nothing In Your Life Is What It Seemed...

Chapter 38.

What a trip this has turned out to be. I knew I'd clash with Elise eventually but there is no way I could have predicted these circ.u.mstances. I expel a long breath and then go in search of a bench away from chanters and people trying to rearrange their body parts into a Pica.s.so painting. I arrange my own into a lotus position and close my eyes just in case any one comes by, they'll think I'm meditating and leave me in peace.

Drinnnnng!

Ah. I forgot the first rule of inner peace turn off all cellphones. Ah well, seeing as I'm faking, I flip it open.

'Lara?'

'Sasha!' I instantly cheer up.

'You'll never guess where I am.'

'Give me a clue!'

There's a strange moaning grunt in the background.

'Was that an elephant?' I query.

'Yes.'

'Are you in Africa?'

'No!' she laughs. 'But it's the next best thing - Ty's brought me to Shambala!'

'Really?' Should that mean something to me?

'It's this amazing animal sanctuary over in the Santa Clarita mountains, it's run by Tippi Hedren!'

'Melanie Griffiths's mum?'

'The very same! We just had dinner with her.'

'You're kidding!'

'It's one of the things they do to raise money for the Roar Foundation. Ty said I needed a break before the big day and he just spirited me here!'

That boy has really come through in a big way. 'So, what's it like?' I ask.

'Lovely so many more trees and s.p.a.ce than Tiger Tiger and a big river ...' Sasha sighs. 'We're staying overnight in this safari tent absolutely everything is leopard print it's just like Jungle Rock but without the walls!' Sasha laughs.

'Where's Ty?'

'He's just gone to make some calls.'