'b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l!' I pant, leaning in the driver window. 'He's just confessed that he's jealous!'

Joel's face lights up. 'Did he say he wants you?'

'No,' I admit. 'But he wants what I have. With you.'

'He wants me?'

'No!' I scoff. 'He wants the fun stuff.'

'He wants to have fun. But not with you.' Joel talks it back to me with the cold-light-of-day glare.

'Well, he hasn't specifically said with me but-'

'Then you get your a.s.s in this vehicle now,' Joel commands.

'But!' I protest.

'Look, he's obviously having some kind of epiphany about his relationship with Elise. Maybe it's seeing us together, maybe it's having time apart from her, maybe it's the prunes he had for breakfast. Whatever it is, great! About time! But if you stay with him now and talk him through what he's feeling, that's you finished you'll just be counselor girl, listening ear, damp shoulder, good ole trusty Lara, you get me?'

I turn and look back at Elliot. He looks fretful in the extreme, as if he's trying to unravel internal knots using mind control alone.

'Are you sure? I feel like I should be there in his hour of need,' I worry.

'I thought you had an appointment with Zo,' Joel reminds me.

'I do, but-'

Joel takes my chin in his hand so he can bore into my eyes. 'You stay with him now, you're going to have to listen to him sift through every stage of their relationship. It's going to be all about her, nothing about you.'

I don't want that to happen but Joel could have a point.

'Does that sound like fun to you?' Joel enquires.

'No,' I concede, fiddling with the door lock. The shape of it reminds me of the pegs that come with a set of travel Mastermind.

'Lara.' Joel clicks his fingers like a hypnotist trying to wake up his patient. 'Your heart has been aching for him for ten years, it won't do him any harm to have a few days' misery.'

I sigh. 'Okay, just give me a moment to say goodbye.'

'Good girl. Quick pep talk and a peck and let's be on our way.'

I stride back to Elliot telling myself that discipline and restraint is the order of the day. Stay away from the light. No blubbing, no clinging, no releasing ten years of pent-up love and affection.

'Elliot. I feel awful leaving you at a time like this,' I begin.

'I know you've got to go. I don't mean to worry you, I've just been thinking about things all night and we haven't really had the chance to talk.'

I try to dodge a pang of guilt but it gets the better of me. 'I'm sorry Joel's been around the whole time.'

'That's fine. You deserve some, er, romance. It's just,' he shrugs, looking sorrowful, 'I miss you!'

I tilt my head and give him a quizzical look.

'You've always been my number one girl and all of a sudden I feel I'm losing you,' he whispers, scuffing the ground.

My heart strains towards him and I confess: 'I've been missing you a lot too, ever since you've been with Elise.'

He nods understanding. 'I was thinking about that last night. I didn't realize until now how that might have felt for you.'

Oh why are we having this conversation now, with just seconds to go? As if sensing a moment of weakness Joel leans heavily on the horn.

'I have to go,' I say, forcing myself to get practical when all I want to do is hug and rea.s.sure him and wallow in our revitalized empathy. 'So. With Elise. You just want me to see how she is?'

'We haven't really had any time apart since we met. I just want to know ...' He shakes his head. 'I don't know.'

Poor Elliot, he looks a terrible mix of confused and despondent.

'Look, I'm sure it doesn't feel like this now and yes I am partly saying this to make myself feel better about leaving you, but having a few more nights out here to sit quietly and fill your lungs with this amazing air could help you clear your mind so you can figure out what you really want.'

He nods.

'And don't just think about relationships!' I add. 'Think about what makes you happy in all aspects of your life.'

'Okay.'

'And if an that thinking means you end up a total basket case I'm sure Elise will be able to recommend a great therapist!' I tease, hoping to provoke a reaction.

He gives a little chuckle. He's coming back. 'I'll be fine,' he forces a smile.

'Really?'

'Would I lie to you?'

I grin, pulling him into a goodbye hug.

As I turn to leave he asks, 'What about you and Joel?'

If I was being honest I'd tell him, 'I have a feeling that, after today, I'm never going to see him again!' but I'm learning to keep schtum more often so instead I say: 'I guess we'll hang out until one of us gets a better offer.'

Chapter 28.

'Eyes forward!' Joel barks, tiring of my transfixion with the wing-mirror.

'It just feels such a wrench!' I wail, slumping back into my seat.

'You're making me feel like I've kidnapped some poor little forest-dweller!' he complains, defiantly flooring it. 'Off we go to the big bad city so I can corrupt you!'

'Sorry Joel!' I tut myself. 'You are a total star to drive me, I'd be a wreck without you.' Giving his gearstick hand a squeeze, I stare determinedly out the window as we bullet past Erna's Elderberry House.

All too soon we're back in the flat modern world - a.k.a. Fresno with its concrete strip malls and pretzel emporiums.

It's strange to think I flew in just two days ago with one man on my mind and now I'm leaving with another.

'What?' Joel asks.

My face must be doing something giveaway.

'I was just thinking how bleak it looks round here,' I fib.

'You think?' Joel queries.

'Don't you?'

'I know something you don't,' Joel jiggles his eyebrows.

'Oh really?' I glint.

'Have we got time for a half-hour diversion?'

'Let's do it!' I enthuse.

Joel insists I close my eyes until we get there and so for ten or so swervy-curvy minutes, images of $5 Shoe World and Hot-Dog-on-a-Stick vendors parade through my mind.

Finally we b.u.mp to a halt.

'Now?' I ask.

'Not yet!' Joel cautions.

I hear him thunk his car door closed and then unclick mine.

'Keep them closed,' he instructs as he guides me across the uneven ground.

'What's that amazing smell?' I breathe in a delicate yet overwhelming perfume sent to me on a warm breeze.

'Okay ... now!' Joel whispers.

At first I can't make sense of what I'm seeing I seem to be entirely immersed in a fluffy pink heaven.

'Where are we?'

'Blossom Trail.' Joel smiles at my enchantment. 'The orchards run for miles round here. Almond, peach, apricot ...' As he continues 'apple, orange' he reaches out and shakes the tree I am standing beneath, showering me in soft pink kisses. I laugh as the paper-thin silk flutters between my fingers.

I feel like I'm in a dream scene from one of those MGM extravaganzas any minute now dozens of beribboned dancers will waft by in sugary chiffon, swirling up the confetti carpet.

'What are you trying to do to me?' I sob as Joel pulls me into a warm all-encompa.s.sing hug.

'Nothing,' he smiles into my hair. 'Except maybe raise your game!'

I twist around so I can see his face.

'It's all out there if you really look,' he a.s.serts.

'Were you born like this?' I laugh, marveling as much at Joel as at our soft-focus surroundings.

'Like what?' Joel worries.

'With so much energy for ... I don't know seeking out life's wonders?'

'I could ask you the same question.'

'I wouldn't have much of an answer.'

'Come on, you go rummaging around your antique stores, don't you? Looking for hidden treasures.'

'This is on a slightly grander scale.'

'So open your eyes a little wider,' he shrugs. 'Like I say, it's all there, waiting to be seen.'

I look around. My heart swells just a little bit more.

And then a thought crosses my mind.

'Are you trying to show me there is more to life than Elliot?'

'I'd hope you'd already know that.'

'I do, it's just ... I do.'

'How do you feel right now?' Joel asks me.

'About him?' I think for a moment. The pang isn't quite so wrenchy-sickly as it was in the car, it's more a profound wish that he could be here with me, sharing this beauty.

'Better,' I'm surprised to hear myself say. 'Calmer.'

'Well, if it seems to be getting too much again or you're ever just feeling empty inside, here's my tip for you try and fill yourself up with something else. You can't always get what you want romantically but the world is more than willing to offer you up some amazing alternatives.'

I get a sudden flash of Joel as a bereaved heart, someone who couldn't have his one true love and, seeing as no one else can compare, has been seeking out other and more extreme pa.s.sions ever since. 'Is that what you're doing trying to fill up your heart in other ways?' I gently probe.

But he ignores my question.